Chuck Norris

Ultimate Houde

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Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris can mathematically make two wrongs equal a right.

Chuck Norris does not use toilet paper to wipe his ***. He simply uses the woman he slept with the night before.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.

Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas.

Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An
embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
 
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SeAcoW

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Along with Steven Seagal and Van Damme, Chuck Norris is THE MAN. I love him.
 

E.Vi.L.

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Wasn't his last movie appearance in Dodgeball? And no lines, too. Just a thumb up.

I think maybe fresher targets are required.
 

thee great one

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Guijllons said:
That's impossible. You're clearly not comprehending Chuck Norris at all.

VIN DIESEL > CHUCK NORRIS & BRUCE CAMPBELL

Vin Diesel's Arch enemy is The Rolling Stones. They have a yearly foosball match to decide whether or not they will put out another crappy album. Vin only loses every few years. But he doesn't mind, they�ll be dead soon
 

Vegetable-man

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Messages
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Guijllons said:
That's impossible. You're clearly not comprehending Chuck Norris at all.
Indeed, we're talking Missing in Action, and Delta Force, and Walker,Texas-friggin-Ranger here........ Vin is a pansy...
 

Vegetable-man

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thee great one said:
VIN DIESEL > CHUCK NORRIS & BRUCE CAMPBELL
Don't get me started on Campbell...... Not even the Texas Ranger himself could handle a face full of Boomstick.......
 

E

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Conan O'Brien showed this clip of Walker: Texas Ranger one time, and Haley Joel Osment was guest starring. And in this scene, he's laughing about something, then all the sudden he gets this deadly serious look on his face, and tells this woman, "Walker told me I have AIDS."

I spit out my drink when he played that.
 

Doc Comic

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UltimateE said:
Conan O'Brien showed this clip of Walker: Texas Ranger one time, and Haley Joel Osment was guest starring. And in this scene, he's laughing about something, then all the sudden he gets this deadly serious look on his face, and tells this woman, "Walker told me I have AIDS."

I spit out my drink when he played that.
I have all of those clips on my computer. The scene with Haley Joel Osment is on my list of top ten most hilarious things I've seen in my life. I think I pissed myself a little bit when I saw that. It's just how random and out of nowhere it is.
 

thee great one

Master of TOG-fu.
Joined
Jan 27, 2005
Messages
15,570
Location
Mormon Land.
UltimateE said:
Conan O'Brien showed this clip of Walker: Texas Ranger one time, and Haley Joel Osment was guest starring. And in this scene, he's laughing about something, then all the sudden he gets this deadly serious look on his face, and tells this woman, "Walker told me I have AIDS."

I spit out my drink when he played that.

I have to see this. There was one I saw where he turned a punch a women in the face. I laughed so hard.
 
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Friday

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Sep 6, 2004
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Washington, PA
Guijllons said:
Vin Diesel isn't fit to adjust Bruce Cambell's curtains. You just don't know what you're talking about man!
Vegetable-man said:
Don't get me started on Campbell...... Not even the Texas Ranger himself could handle a face full of Boomstick.......
Damn straight
 

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