The Mutant Chronicles

Hellsbuttmonkey

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The Mutant Chronicles (spoilers)

Has anyone else seen this?

If you haven't, then good. Let it stay that way. It is easier on your well-being.
 
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As a warning.

If there wasn't a label saying "Don't drink" on a bottle of poison more would die.

This is exactly the same. Except it feels more like running a cheese grater over your eyeballs while being skull****ed by a donkey through your earhole.

This film was nearly as bad as The Unholy Trinity of Batman and Robin, Catwoman and House of the Dead. To make matters worse it had John Malkovitch and Ron Perlman in. Why did they think starring in this film would do anything for them? Plus, they cast Perlman as an old wise monk. I'm sorry, Perlman is not the mysterious, wizened loremaster. He is an asskicking badass.
 
The basic premise of the film is thus:

In the dark ages, 'The Enemy' sent an evil machine to Earth. This machine would convert the dead and dying of the Human race into 'mutants', who were really just fast zombies with one arm turned into a big blade, and use them to destroy the world. A hero rose and drove the Zombutants back, and sealed the machine beneath the Earth forever. This hero formed a secret order called The Brotherhood, who would guard the seal for eternity..blah blah blah.

Fast forward to the year 2707. There doesn't seem to be any countries left in the world, only the Four Big Corporations, who were constantly at war for control of the limited resources of Earth. During a battle, the seal holding The Evil Machine is broken, and it starts making Zombutants again. Apparently the Four Big Corporations, who have some serious military space age weapons at hand cannot stop this wave of zombies whose only weapons are a sharpened forearm and are quite tough, so they decide to evacuate Earth and go live on Mars. Ron Perlman, leader of the brotherhood, decides to go down into the hole where the seal was broken and blow up the Evil Machine with about 6 random soldiers, a mute ninja priestess and a bomb that apparently was designed to fit into a hole in the front of a panel built into the Evil Machine. Because, y'know, all doomsday devices come complete with a bomb that is the only thing that will destroy it which is always left in the hands of the monks sworn to stop The Enemy.


Yeah, it is as bollocks as it sounds.
 
The basic premise of the film is thus:

In the dark ages, 'The Enemy' sent an evil machine to Earth. This machine would convert the dead and dying of the Human race into 'mutants', who were really just fast zombies with one arm turned into a big blade, and use them to destroy the world. A hero rose and drove the Zombutants back, and sealed the machine beneath the Earth forever. This hero formed a secret order called The Brotherhood, who would guard the seal for eternity..blah blah blah.

Fast forward to the year 2707. There doesn't seem to be any countries left in the world, only the Four Big Corporations, who were constantly at war for control of the limited resources of Earth. During a battle, the seal holding The Evil Machine is broken, and it starts making Zombutants again. Apparently the Four Big Corporations, who have some serious military space age weapons at hand cannot stop this wave of zombies whose only weapons are a sharpened forearm and are quite tough, so they decide to evacuate Earth and go live on Mars. Ron Perlman, leader of the brotherhood, decides to go down into the hole where the seal was broken and blow up the Evil Machine with about 6 random soldiers, a mute ninja priestess and a bomb that apparently was designed to fit into a hole in the front of a panel built into the Evil Machine. Because, y'know, all doomsday devices come complete with a bomb that is the only thing that will destroy it which is always left in the hands of the monks sworn to stop The Enemy.


Yeah, it is as bollocks as it sounds.
What?!?!

THAT'S THE BESTEST MOVIE EVAH!!!! :crazy:
 
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I liked listening to Thomas Jane talk about this on podcasts a year or so ago like this was going to be greatest thing EVER.
 
I liked listening to Thomas Jane talk about this on podcasts a year or so ago like this was going to be greatest thing EVER.

He lied.

It was incredibly funny for all the wrong reasons. The character death order was like an ethnic cleansing, the dialogue was terrible (apart from one moment) and THERE WERE NO MUTANTS! THEY WERE SPIKEY ZOMBIES!
 
He lied.

It was incredibly funny for all the wrong reasons. The character death order was like an ethnic cleansing, the dialogue was terrible (apart from one moment) and THERE WERE NO MUTANTS! THEY WERE SPIKEY ZOMBIES!

Wasn't mutant an original term for zombies? And wasn't this based on an old sci-fi book? Or am I completely stupid for not taking the extra 20 seconds to look it up?
 
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Wasn't mutant an original term for zombies? And wasn't this based on an old sci-fi book? Or am I completely stupid for not taking the extra 20 seconds to look it up?
I like to think that semantically speaking zombies ARE mutants. The difference being that they are mutated DEAD people rather than mutated LIVE people.
 
I like to think that semantically speaking zombies ARE mutants. The difference being that they are mutated DEAD people rather than mutated LIVE people.

Though sometimes they are normal people mutated into animated dead people.

Well I'm referring to how people use to call mindless drone of deformed beings biting people was at one time a mutant
 

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