Funniest thing you have ever read on the internet?

Doublehex

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On 100 things you have learned from Galaxy Quest...

34. When building a starship, it's not necessary for the self-destruct system to be powerful enough to destroy everything within a parsec radius. Multiple megatonnage is not necessary - just breach the hull. The final survivor(s) will thank you for not smearing them against the bulkheads with a titanic blast wave.

33. Self destruct mechanisms should have easy-to-operate Cancel buttons on every deck, spaced a maximum of 10 metres apart and clearly marked by glowing black-and-yellow stripes. And Braille. These should be designed to be operated by teeth, feet, forehead, nipples, nostrils. They should ideally be voice-activated by any crewman, though not, perhaps, by aliens.

32. The self-destruct activation mechanism, on the other hand, should be hideously difficult to operate, requiring voiceprint, fingerprint and semen samples to verify that the person concerned is qualified to do so. He (or preferably she) should be obliged to fill out a long form in triplicate, answer several $1,000,000 Who Wants to be a Millionaire questions, pass a sanity test to DSM-IV standard, solve a few differential equations and convince a HAL-class ship's computer of the necessity of the destruction of the ship.

31. After activation, the time to reach minimum safe distance should be at least a week, excluding public holidays, crew birthdays and Monday mornings. This interval may be extended at any time - including during the countdown itself - by any crewmember above the rank of latrine attendant.

30. The countdown should automatically abort if the ship detects that a registered crewmember is still aboard during the final ten minutes, unless they a) can furnish a damn good explanation for why they should be exploded; or b) have recently committed murder of at least one other registered crewmember; or c) have a titanium skeleton, extended teeth, extra limbs, glowing eyes or other mutations or modifications suggesting that they may no longer be fully compliance with all Ship's Directives.

29. In fact, are you absolutely sure you need a Self Destruct System at all? The monster/mutant/crazed robot/unstable n-dimensional matter/homicidal alien will almost certainly end up in the escape pod with you anyway, and you'll end up destroying a ship with a substantial dollar value (in adjusted credits) and still have to wrestle the bloody thing out the airlock. Why not just turn off the engines, put a large warning sticker on the windscreen, get into the pod and eject. It's where the action is, after all.​
 
http://www.fstdt.com/fundies/top100.aspx?archive=1

I'm not sure if it's the funniest because the stupidity actually begins to hurt you but it's definitely up there.

Actually, now I feel bad for posting this in a comedy thread after reading about how the homosexual boy killed himself because his mother tried to change him. That's just depressing.

Sorry, I hope I haven't brought the mood down.
 
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http://www.fstdt.com/fundies/top100.aspx?archive=1

I'm not sure if it's the funniest because the stupidity actually begins to hurt you but it's definitely up there.

Actually, now I feel bad for posting this in a comedy thread after reading about how the homosexual boy killed himself because his mother tried to change him. That's just depressing.

Sorry, I hope I haven't brought the mood down.
That site hurt my brain.

The ignorance actually gave me a migraine.

Thanks, Proj.
 
Seanbaby

Edit: Might I add
sb05sappnog.jpg
 
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http://www.fstdt.com/fundies/top100.aspx?archive=1

I'm not sure if it's the funniest because the stupidity actually begins to hurt you but it's definitely up there.

Actually, now I feel bad for posting this in a comedy thread after reading about how the homosexual boy killed himself because his mother tried to change him. That's just depressing.

Sorry, I hope I haven't brought the mood down.

This is what happens when Maverick decides to be like E and makes his own site. Ultimate Faith: Believe OR DIE!
 
Fundies said:
Athiests as a Majority

This is what it would be like, if the majority of people were athiests.
ATHIEST KID: Mom, I'm going to go **** a hooker.
ATHIEST MOM: Okay, son.
ATHIEST KID: Afterwards, I'm going to go smoke pot with my friends, since it's "not addictive."
ATHIEST MOM: Okay, come home soon!

The athiest kid leaves the room. The father comes home from work several minutes later.

ATHIEST DAD: Hey!
ATHIEST MOM: Hi, honey! I'm pregnant again. I guess I'll just get another abortion, since "fetuses don't count as human life."
ATHIEST DAD: Okay, get as many abortions as you want!
ATHIEST MOM: Oh, and don't go in the bedroom.
ATHIEST DAD: Why not?
ATHIEST MOM: There are two gay men ****ing eachother in there.
ATHIEST DAD: Why are they here?
ATHIEST MOM: I wanted to watch them do it for awhile. They just aren't finished yet.
ATHIEST DAD: Okay, that's fine with me!

Suddenly, their neighbor runs into the house.

ATHIEST NEIGHBOR: Come quick, there's a Christian outside!
ATHIEST MOM: We'll be right there!

The athiest couple quickly put on a pair of black robes and hoods. They then exit the house, and run into the street, where a Christian is nailed to a large, wooden X. He is being burned alive. A crowd of athiests stand around him, all wearing black robes and hoods.

RANDOM ATHIEST: Damn you, Christian! We hate you! We claim to be tolerant of all religions. But we really hate your's! That's because we athiests are hypocritical like that! Die, Christian!

THE END

I'm going to perform this at my community theater.

I know it seems a little vain to act and direct, but I really strongly considering playing Random Athiest myself. It's just too strong a role for the weak actors we've got. It needs someone who can really give it the depth that's written to it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, the gay dudes I have sodomizing in the kitchen for my entertainment are about to climax.
 
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I'm going to perform this at my community theater.

I know it seems a little vain to act and direct, but I really strongly considering playing Random Athiest myself. It's just too strong a role for the weak actors we've got. It needs someone who can really give it the depth that's written to it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, the gay dudes I have sodomizing in the kitchen for my entertainment are about to climax.
Wait till you get to the pro-slavery quote. Oh hell, I'll just post it.

Fundies said:
A woman for president is a bad idea. Hillary for president is even worse. Do you think America never had a woman for president by coincidence?

[You can transfer that logic to black people, seeing as there's been no black presidents - Anyway it's incredibly insensitive, stupid and unbased.]

As stupid as you think it sounds I totally agree. Blacks should not ever be in positions of power. They should be suppressed back in to slavery.
 
Wait till you get to the pro-slavery quote. Oh hell, I'll just post it.

Match.

Fundies said:
In my opinion, if an animal in the wild like a swan is caught being gay it should be shot on sight, disinfected, and used to feed the poor.

I raise you a gay animal-bashing.

Fundies said:
Apes are just creatures twisted by Satan to mock Jesus by giving EVILolition credibility. Further more they are naturally lust crazed for human women. Since they are not natural creatures they should be exterminated forthwith as the tools of evil they are.

and some monkey rapists for good measure.

I think I have the makings of a good grindhouse flick here.
 
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Match.



I raise you a gay animal-bashing.



and some monkey rapists for good measure.

I think I have the makings of a good grindhouse flick here.
Ok, I'll see your monkey antics.
Fundies said:
several million years for a monkey to turn into a man. oh wait thats right. monkeys dont live several million years.
And raise you blaming the rape victim because she wasn't in the house where she belongs.
Fundies said:
A woman wants to abort a rape child? She should have thought of that before she walked down that dark alley without a male prescence, not to mention she should have thought before putting on revealing attire.

[Yes. It should (be legal). Otherwise you're screwing over the women who don't deserve their fate.]

Are you calling them victims now? Should've stayed in the house where it's safe.
This page deserves its own thread.
 
Ok, I'll see your monkey antics.

McCheese said:
And raise you blaming the rape victim because she wasn't in the house where she belongs.

Well Behaved Women Rarely Make History...

But They Bake Great Mother****ing Cakes!

That's where the woman should be!

Anyway...

Fundies said:
Just imagine vast fields of our sisters in Christ -- sisters brain damaged and comatosed, never to mentally return to this Earth full of sin -- inserted into pods that are themselves connected to a myriad of wires and hydraulic tubes (I know, it sounds exactly like the Matrix, and I freely admit, although it's certainly a very evil movie, some of the imagery is inspiring and inspired this post). The pods will be the most comfortable places on Earth, playing soothing music like Bible hymns and Mozart, their insides like a massage chair and covered in silk. A few intruding wires and tubes will, of course, have to connect to the women inside the pods to monitor their temperature and overall health, as well as the babies' of those that are pregnant. And of course there will be one tube reserved for the insertion of a man's seed whenever the women are at their most fertile. And only the best semen will be used. I haven't quite settled on a selection process yet, but I'm thinking some sort of Christian council could perhaps vote on the man who is honorable and moral enough to breed generations of these children. Perhaps one man won't be enough, for a little bit of diversity is always good. We should, therefore, most likely have a multitude of different men, one of each race. When the children are born, they can be sent off to special adoption centers, where they can be delivered to good Christian parents who are unable to themselves breed. Those that may be left over can be raised in God, brought up in Christian schools, where prayers are said thrice daily (at least), and in the summer, they can be sent to Jesus camp. If the schools are as good as I envision, then these children will make the perfect leaders for our future. But not just leaders, for if this idea is near as good as I am thinking, we will breed enough of these children to one day make up a huge percentage of our population, such that they can elect only the most Christian of people to the government. So even those that are not the brightest and best can contribute to God in some way.

Fundamentalist Utopia. Checkmate.

McCheese said:
This page deserves its own thread.

Ssshhhh.... You're standing in it....

Edit:
Oh, and...

Muslims countries aren't as interested in ID because they don't need to deal with nearly as much atheist scum evolutionists with their evolving mind tricks. All our liberties are allowing the atheists here to destroy our society. George H.W. Bush was intelligent and thoughtful enough to say that atheists shouldn't really be citizens. Maybe his son will have the intelligence to make a similar point, maybe in his next state of the union adress outlaw evolution. He wouldn't need to say much, simply something like "every evolutionist is now an enemy of the Republic," and then explain why. The muslim countries know how to deal with these people(one of the rare things they do right). Why can't we follow their lead?

You are a part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor!
 
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Fundamentalist Utopia. Checkmate.
No, sir. Not when I have this.
Fundies said:
(In response to Largo, FL city manager Steve Stanton announcing plans to get a sex change - which led to city commissioners voting to fire him:)

Mr. Stanton is not a role model. He's proven that. I think for the sake of our young people today, you need to do what's right, and that's terminate him. ... If Jesus was here tonight, I can guarantee you he'd want him terminated. Make no mistake about it.

- Rev. Ron Sanders
Tranny-Killing Jesus.

Reverse Checkmate.

Ssshhhh.... You're standing in it....
*looks around*

Huh. So I am.
 
No, sir. Not when I have this.

Tranny-Killing Jesus.

Reverse Checkmate.


*looks around*

Huh. So I am.

Touche, Sodomite.

Fundies said:
Masturbation can sometimes be wrong and it can sometimes not. If you masturbate thinking about how pretty the flowers are and how you want a puppy, essentially that's not wrong. But most times, that is not the case. I believe that when one masturbates a high percentage of the time they are fantasizing about a sexual partner therefore making masturbation lust. Lust, as the Bible states, is a sin. But masturbation is something that people in general should stay away from because it's hard not to lust whilst doing it.

Mmmmmm.... I want that puppy so bad.... With floppy ears and big brown eyes! Oh yeah! I can feel it licking my nose right now! I'm coveting.... I'm COVETIIIIIIIIIING!!!!



I have a new project. The Invisibles 2, where we discover that every fundamentalist conspiracy theory is true.
 
We actually did have a thread about this, it might've gotten closed though, but it didn't have anyone playing poker-chess in it. So continue.
 
It probably was closed because people don't know how to not cross a line between making fun of certain idiots and making fun and making crass remarks about a religion. This is already creeping dangerously close to the latter.
 
I prefer the ones where they bring in monkeys (how come we don't speak monkey? How come our children aren't monkeys? Oh yeah, monkeys live a million years, don't they?) because they're often the dumbest things I've ever read.
 

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