The Comedy Thread LOL

Langsta

Well-Known Member
I could have sworn that we had a Comedy Thread. I looked a few pages back, and I couldn't find it, and the Search function is messed up on my computer. I think the thread might have been in the TV section.

Anyways, in honor of George Carlin, I'm posting this funny and interesting text version of Carlin's THE PLANET IS FINE (the text version takes away some of the humor, since it was made for audio, but it's still funny):

We're so self-important. So self-important. Everybody's going to save something now. "Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails." And the greatest arrogance of all: save the planet. What? Are these ****ing people kidding me? Save the planet, we don't even know how to take care of ourselves yet. We haven't learned how to care for one another, we're gonna save the ****ing planet?

I'm getting tired of that ****. Tired of that ****. I'm tired of ****ing Earth Day, I'm tired of these self-righteous environmentalists, these white, bourgeois liberals who think the only thing wrong with this country is there aren't enough bicycle paths. People trying to make the world save for their Volvos. Besides, environmentalists don't give a **** about the planet. They don't care about the planet. Not in the abstract they don't. Not in the abstract they don't. You know what they're interested in? A clean place to live. Their own habitat. They're worried that some day in the future, they might be personally inconvenienced. Narrow, unenlightened self-interest doesn't impress me.

Besides, there is nothing wrong with the planet. Nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine. The PEOPLE are ****ed. Difference. Difference. The planet is fine. Compared to the people, the planet is doing great. Been here four and a half billion years. Did you ever think about the arithmetic? The planet has been here four and a half billion years. We've been here, what, a hundred thousand? Maybe two hundred thousand? And we've only been engaged in heavy industry for a little over two hundred years. Two hundred years versus four and a half billion. And we have the CONCEIT to think that somehow we're a threat? That somehow we're gonna put in jeopardy this beautiful little blue-green ball that's just a-floatin' around the sun?

The planet has been through a lot worse than us. Been through all kinds of things worse than us. Been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics, continental drift, solar flares, sun spots, magnetic storms, the magnetic reversal of the poles...hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets and asteroids and meteors, worlwide floods, tidal waves, worldwide fires, erosion, cosmic rays, recurring ice ages...And we think some plastic bags, and some aluminum cans are going to make a difference? The planet...the planet...the planet isn't going anywhere. WE ARE!

We're going away. Pack your ****, folks. We're going away. And we won't leave much of a trace, either. Thank God for that. Maybe a little styrofoam. Maybe. A little styrofoam. The planet'll be here and we'll be long gone. Just another failed mutation. Just another closed-end biological mistake. An evolutionary cul-de-sac. The planet'll shake us off like a bad case of fleas. A surface nuisance.

You wanna know how the planet's doing? Ask those people at Pompeii, who are frozen into position from volcanic ash, how the planet's doing. You wanna know if the planet's all right, ask those people in Mexico City or Armenia or a hundred other places buried under thousands of tons of earthquake rubble, if they feel like a threat to the planet this week. Or how about those people in Kilowaia, Hawaii, who built their homes right next to an active volcano, and then wonder why they have lava in the living room.

The planet will be here for a long, long, LONG time after we're gone, and it will heal itself, it will cleanse itself, 'cause that's what it does. It's a self-correcting system. The air and the water will recover, the earth will be renewed, and if it's true that plastic is not degradable, well, the planet will simply incorporate plastic into a new pardigm: the earth plus plastic. The earth doesn't share our prejudice towards plastic. Plastic came out of the earth. The earth probably sees plastic as just another one of its children. Could be the only reason the earth allowed us to be spawned from it in the first place. It wanted plastic for itself. Didn't know how to make it. Needed us. Could be the answer to our age-old egocentric philosophical question, "Why are we here?" Plastic...*******.

So, the plastic is here, our job is done, we can be phased out now. And I think that's begun. Don't you think that's already started? I think, to be fair, the planet sees us as a mild threat. Something to be dealt with. And the planet can defend itself in an organized, collective way, the way a beehive or an ant colony can. A collective defense mechanism. The planet will think of something. What would you do if you were the planet? How would you defend yourself against this troublesome, pesky species? Let's see... Viruses. Viruses might be good. They seem vulnerable to viruses. And, uh...viruses are tricky, always mutating and forming new strains whenever a vaccine is developed. Perhaps, this first virus could be one that compromises the immune system of these creatures. Perhaps a human immunodeficiency virus, making them vulnerable to all sorts of other diseases and infections that might come along. And maybe it could be spread sexually, making them a little reluctant to engage in the act of reproduction.

Well, that's a poetic note. And it's a start. And I can dream, can't I? See I don't worry about the little things: bees, trees, whales, snails. I think we're part of a greater wisdom than we will ever understand. A higher order. Call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. The Big Electron...whoooa. Whoooa. Whoooa. It doesn't punish, it doesn't reward, it doesn't judge at all. It just is. And so are we. For a little while.
 

ProjectX2

Don't expect me to take you with me when I go to s
I want everyone to listen to The Ricky Gervais Show. They are the funniest things I've ever heard.
 

Hellsbuttmonkey

Well-Known Member
This is one of my favourite clips from UK funnyman Jimmy Carr. Basically he wrote a letter to Steven Hawking about his disabled son... and the reply that followed...

[youtube]h2CdB9-JUQk[/youtube]
 

E

Moderator
Excelsior Club
The first person to recommend a Dane Cook or Carlos Mencia routine gets banned.
 

Ice

Teh Sexy Monkey Queen
The first person to recommend a Dane Cook or Carlos Mencia routine gets banned.
Screw you- I recommend anything Dane Cook.


Doom has got my back!





Mencia can drive the bus to Lucifer and hang out with him.
 

ProjectX2

Don't expect me to take you with me when I go to s
This is one of my favourite clips from UK funnyman Jimmy Carr. Basically he wrote a letter to Steven Hawking about his disabled son... and the reply that followed...

[youtube]h2CdB9-JUQk[/youtube]

Have you seen the Big Fat Quiz of the Year that he hosts? They are genius. Jonathan Ross, Russell Brand, Jimmy Carr, Noel Fielding and a bunch of other funny guys in one room... madness ensues.
 

moonmaster

Without him, all of you would be lost souls roamin
The first person to recommend a Dane Cook or Carlos Mencia routine gets banned.
omg dont u no dat thay r both teh funnyist??? carrlos menceea is a comix genyus imho lols1


CarlosMenciaMakesRacismFunny.jpg



applause.gif
 

Langsta

Well-Known Member
He's not really a comedian (though he should be), but I thought I'd post these, because they are funny as hell....I dare you to not crack a smile at least once while reading through these quotes (all of which are real).

The World According to Ah-nuld
"If I am not me, who da hell am I?" –in "Total Recall"

"I have inhaled, exhaled everything."

"That was another thing I will never forgive the Republican Party for. I was ashamed to call myself a Republican during that period." -on the Clinton impeachment

"I can look at a chick who's a little out of shape and if she turns me on, I won't hesitate to date her. If she's a good f**k she can weigh 150 pounds, I don't care." -in a 1977 interview with Oui

"Having chicks around is the kind of thing that breaks up the intense training. It gives you relief, and then afterward you go back to the serious stuff."

"The c**k isn't a muscle so it doesn't grow in relation to the shoulders, say, or the pectorals. You can't make it bigger through exercise, that's for sure."

"Nixon was always being attacked sexually. It was always said that he was a *** and that he had no sexual relations with his wife for 15 years and that was why he liked power. And Hitler had only one ball, and that was why he wanted to conquer the world." -in a 1977 interview with Time Out

"My friends don't want me to mention Kurt's name, because of all the recent Nazi stuff and the U.N. controversy, but I love him and Maria does too, and so thank you, Kurt." –on his friend and fellow Austrian Kurt Waldheim, a Nazi war criminal

"My relationship to power and authority is that I'm all for it. People need somebody to watch over them. Ninety-five percent of the people in the world need to be told what to do and how to behave." –in a 1990 interview with U.S. News

"I was always dreaming about very powerful people - dictators and things like that. I was just always impressed by people who could be remembered for hundreds of years, or even, like Jesus, be for thousands of years remembered.
" –in the 1977 film "Pumping Iron"

"As you know, I don't need to take any money from anybody. I have plenty of money myself. I will make the decisions for the people."

"We have to make sure everyone in California has a great job. A fantastic job!"

"The public doesn't care about figures." -discussing his economic views

"Don't worry about that." -on the environment

"From the time they get up in the morning and flush the toilet, they're taxed. Then they go and get the cup of coffee, they're taxed....This goes on all day long. Tax, tax, tax."

"I saw this toilet bowl. How many times do you get away with this — to take a woman, grab her upside down, and bury her face in a toilet bowl? I wanted to have something floating there ... The thing is, you can do it, because in the end, I didn't do it to a woman — she's a machine! We could get away with it without being crucified by who-knows-what group." -describing a scene in "Terminator 3"

"This is really embarrassing. I just forgot our state governor's name, but I know that you will help me recall him." –speaking to a taxpayer advocacy group

"As much as when you see a blonde with great **** and a great ***, you say to yourself, 'Hey, she must be stupid or must have nothing else to offer,' which maybe is the case many times. But then again there is the one that is as smart as her breasts look, great as her face looks, beautiful as her whole body looks gorgeous, you know, so people are shocked." –in an interview with Esquire

"The best activities for your health are pumping and humping."

"Having a pump is like having sex. I train two, sometimes three times a day. Each time I get a pump. It's great. I feel like I'm coming all day."

"I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman."
"She's either Puerto Rican, or the same thing as Cuban, I mean they are all very hot. They have the, you know, part of the black blood in them and part of the Latino blood in them that together makes it." -on California Assemblywoman Bonnie Garcia, the lone Latina Republican in the Legislature

"I like the color red because it's a fire. And I see myself as always being on fire." -on his favorite color

"If I would do another 'Terminator' movie I would have Terminator travel back in time and tell Arnold not to have a special election." -after all four of his ballot initiatives were roundly defeated in the special election he called

"Well, there was no sex for 14 days." -on getting the cold shoulder from his wife after backing President George W. Bush at the Republican Convention

"To those critics who are so pessimistic about our economy, I say, Don't be economic girlie men!" –at the Republican convention

"If they don't have the guts to come up here in front of you and say, 'I don't want to represent you, I want to represent those special interests, the unions, the trial lawyers ... if they don't have the guts, I call them girlie men." –describing Democratic lawmakers in California

"All of a sudden, we see riots, we see protests, we see people clashing. The next thing we know, there is injured or there is dead people. We don't want to get to that extent." –on the dangers posed by gay marriage

"It's the most difficult [decision] I've made in my entire life, except the one I made in 1978 when I decided to get a bikini wax." –announcing his gubernatorial candidacy on "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno"

"I can promise you that when I go to Sacramento, I will pump up Sacramento.
" –on "The Tonight Show"

"Do you want to be a fah-mah? Hee-yuhz a couple of acres." –in Last Acion Hero, best film ever made

There goes my hero.
 

E

Moderator
Excelsior Club
Dave Chapelle, Chris Rock, and Bernie Mac are probably my top 3 favorites. In that order.
 

Langsta

Well-Known Member
Dave Chapelle, Chris Rock, and Bernie Mac are probably my top 3 favorites. In that order.

Dave Chapelle is genius. Chris Rock's pretty good, I've only really seen his Bigger & Blacker special or whatever as far as his standup goes.
 

ourchair

Well-Known Member
I would never vote for Arnold, but I actually like him.

Even if he is kinda neurotic and says stupid things in public fairly often.
 

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