- Oct 23, 2005
Note: This is NOT from Scary Movie 4. It's a manip of the real footage of Cruise on Oprah.
Yeah, he's not weird. If people think that him coming to my house and taking my pills away and giving me a creepy, awkward, uneeded hug for about 20 minutes, patting me on the head, shaking my hand, giving me the "Call me sign" than giving me a wink before yelling "I LOVE HER" while pointing at me is weird......than color me purple.Goodwill said:
GM: I'm telling you, I'll hear nothing said about Tom Cruise.
MM: I love Tom Cruise. I think he's absolutely brilliant.
GM: I think Tom Cruise is the greatest man ever born. I think he is a superhero sent to help us. Did you read about him in the 'News of the World' last week ? They did this 'Let's Grade The Action Men For True Heroism' thing. And first they grade Arnie to see if he's done any real life good deeds and all he'd ever done was have his heart attack away from urban areas...
MM: Is this the thing about Cruise chasing the purse- snatcher ?
GM: Forget mere purse chasing. This plus FOUR other acts of undeniable hyper-heroism.
MM: Yeah ? Like what ?
GM: I don't now. Just like rushing to help people. Diving in to save a drowning Eskimo girl...Things like that. You know that way people feel about Tom Hanks, although I don't ? Well, I've gone that way about Tom Cruise. I never trusted him but now I believe he is my saviour. That's ****ed up. How did they make me feel like that ? Just with these acts of heroism ? Because I felt small in the face of Cruise's derring-do ?
MM: Well, he's clever because every second film he makes is avant garde...
GM: Every second **** we do is avant garde. So what ? This ****er's diving in to save people. It's the heroism aspect of this that disturbs me. Have you ever performed one act of heroism in your life ?
MM: I helped a dog once that was lost.
GM: I jeered at one that was lying freezing in a snowdrift. I've never been able to forgive myself. I thought it would get angry at me and decide to live but it didn't.
MM: For once I felt like a superhero. You understand why Superman would do it.
MM: I'd love to sail into New York Harbour and see Lady Liberty standing there. I'd shake my fist at it and shout, "They finally did it! Damn you all to hell!" It'd be the least funny thing you could do on the boat. I suppose that's what everybody does...
GM: I don't know. Probably hardly anybody's ever done it so you might be the first. Pity the poor immigrant who never even got that far.
MM: But you've got to remember, more people survived on the Titanic than died.
GM: Listen, I'll tell you; the other thing is this... did most people survive ? My arse!
MM: I think a lot of people.
GM: Nobody survived those chill, freezing waters.
MM: I thought what happened was 99% of the people died and there were a couple of people clinging to boards, who somehow managed to survive for a couple of days..
GM: What ? And swam home ?
MM: Did you know another boat turned up to collect them in half an hour ?
GM: They'd have frozen to death in ten seconds! The water was minus a hundred. It was a ****ing iceberg they just hit. Have you seen all this global warming stuff ?
MM: They're admitting it now.
GM: They've admitted we have to adapt. People have been warning them about this for years. How far do they expect us to adapt now ?
MM: Into dolphins.
GM: It would be worse than dolphins.
MM: The Wildstorm office looks onto the Pacific. They'll be gone. How far does that faultline come down ? Does it come all the way to San Diego or just to Anaheim ?
GM: Well that's what you say. As far as I'm concerned it's the whole of California gone, including that Baja bit. It'll take off the whole chunk.
MM: That's coming. The Big One is coming definitely coming.
GM: You¹d be safer in New York.
MM: What about the mega-tsunami ?
GM: ****! There's no hiding place. I hope Jim Lee's prepared to shed his limbs and dive.
GM: He's the guy who was the third man to start with but he's actually the first man. Are they the second and third men now ?..
MM: And how come she's a woman ?
GM: Are they the third and fourth men ? So who's the fourth man if there's still only three of them ?
MM: (sings): "I'm me own fourth man.." She's a woman so there's technically only two men.
GM: Aye, well, I think he's using 'man' as a word for...
MM: A man AND a woman ?
GM: They're all the same in the dark...men, women.
MM: I can only see these things as the opening lines on a totally black JLA page. The opening splash, otherwise black - "Men, women...they're all the same in the dark, GL... , I know you're my best friend but I'm hungry, Jimmy..."
GM: "Quit ****ing my ***, Martian Manhunter." If it was Plastic Man saying that to J'onn J'onnz that would make it almost alright. Wouldn't it ?
MM: W- wouldn't it ?...
GM: Your mum finds millions of drawings hidden under the carpet. "What's this ?..." Page after page of your school jotter covered with Plastic Man and Martian Manhunter shagging in all different shapes. The guidance teacher's called in.
MM: 'To Whom It May Concern'...
GM: I keep finding all these internet porn stories about the superheroes being humiliated. There seems to be a deep well of resentment against these characters.
MM: It seems to be just the DC ones though. Wonder Woman and Supergirl...
GM: They're the pure ones. Psylocke though. "The humiliation of Psylocke" is very popular.
MM: Psylocke ? Who would give a **** ? Mind you, she was raped by the evil Brian Braddock, wasn't she...* Then that other guy clawed her eyes out. She's never been that lucky.
GM: Was it a rape ? I thought he was just trying to steal her purse. If it keeps happening she's probably asking for it. Don't you love the feeling of Apocalypse in these stories ? You just have to leave the house for a day and when you get home your wife's a crack whore and your son's got ****.
(*Editor's note -- in the now-classic CAPTAIN BRITAIN# 4, effendi!!)
GM: "Don't **** me, I can draw you..." ??? Your arse wouldn't last five minutes on Death Row.
MM: No. That's one thing people would be impressed at in jail. Being a good artist. I used to find that at school. I used to do drawings from 'Star Wars' or something like that and that's why I always got on well in Primary School, even with the guys who were quite tough. They would ask me to draw a picture of Ben Kenobi and I'd do a really good likeness of Alec Guiness...
GM: That's the most hopelessly naive thing I've ever heard...
MM: "Please don't **** me, I can draw Darth Vader..."
GM: "It'll brighten up your cell. I used to work for Marvel comics."
MM: "Well you're working yo *** for Leroy now, baby..."
GM: I got Moore's CD off Severin. 'The Highbury Working'.
MM: Can you dance to it ? "Have you got 'Alan Moore' ?" Is there a video with him dancing ?
GM: "Have you got 'Alan Moore' by Alan Moore ?" I haven't heard it yet. I hope it's not drum and bass.
Germany Bans Tom Cruise
The German government has banned Tom Cruise from filming scenes for his new movie at military sites in the country because he is a Scientologist. In the film, titled Valkyrie, Tom plays Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg, the leader of the 1944 plot to assassinate Adolf Hitler. Producers had hoped to give the film authenticity by filming key scenes at German sites, but were refused permission due to the star’s controversial beliefs. The German defence ministry said that Scientology masqueraded as a religion to make money, and that Tom Cruise had “publicly professed to being a member of the Scientology cult.”
This is both funny and tragic.