Things Ultimate characters would never say

Random Bendis Supervillain: "You know, now that I think about it, the mess that is my life was pretty much my own darn fault."
 
Jan: I think I'll join a convent.

Johnny: You know, in the grand scheme of things I am no more than an ant.

Nick Fury: I've converted to Quakerism.

Black Cat: Kingpin, can I bear your children?
 
Ultimate Galactus said:
Jan: I think I'll join a convent.

Johnny: You know, in the grand scheme of things I am no more than an ant.

Nick Fury: I've converted to Quakerism.

Black Cat: Kingpin, can I bear your children?
Click to expand...

Hhaha, the second one is quite funny for the wrong reasons; though yes I realize we're talking ultimate, johnny went through the kind of thought process during the Galactus Trilogy in FF # 48-50.
 
Mister Fantastic: "Okay. Fine. I'm not really smart. What I do is take two pop-science words and put them together and then have it do something magical. It's kind of a cold-reading version of science."
Thing: "I don't get it."
Mister Fantastic: "Nothing I do makes any kind of sense. I just pretend that it does and it works, even though there's no real basis for it ever anywhere."
Thing: "Uh huh."
Mister Fantastic: "So it's just magic. I do what I want when I want, because I sound smart. I'm a big fat liar."
Thing: "I don't get it."
Mister Fantastic: "Ok. Look. Umm... ok. Remember that time Gah Lak Tus showed up and then kinda just went away and forgot to eat us?"
Thing: "No."
Mister Fantastic: "Oh. Well, it was probably a retcon. Anyway, the point is, I can make anything from anything to kill it, in the nick of time. Look... *puts on stern science face* I've got a plan. What we need is a gene-physics particle hyper-matrix. What's that you ask? Well, the idea is that on the subatomic level, we each have our own universes. The idea is that the body is microuniverse of cells and atoms and molecules. Now, if we were to invert that, we could project the gravitational effects within our own physical structures outward, magnifying them many times, and such a gravitational force could essentially sweep Gah Lak Tus a million light years away in a second."
Human Torch: "Wow! Really?"
Mister Fantastic: "No. All I said is I'm going to make a machine that pushes Gah Lak Tus really far away quickly, but I said it in a way that made it sound cooler than it did."
Thing: "I didn't know humans were their own micro-universal whatchamacallits."
Mister Fantastic: "They're not! I just took two random pop science words - Genes and Physics, things no one ever really listens to and then made up the rest. Look I'll do it again - Temporal-Constants. Aaah... these are moments in space-time that are essentially quantum buoys on for the temporal stream and connect as a road network to keep the temporal stream on track."
Human Torch: "What do they look like?"
Mister Fantastic: "They don't look like anything! I just made them up!"
Thing: "You're so smart."
Human Torch: "Yeah."
Mister Fantastic: "No! I'm not! I'm a bull****ting crossbreed of Mr T and McGuyver! It's like I'm written by the guys who write Star Trek!"
Thing: "You're smart."
Mister Fantastic: "Really? Why do all my plans involve one of you two hitting someone really hard?"
Human Torch: "Because you're resourceful?"
Mister Fantastic: "BECAUSE I'M A FRAUD!"
Thing: "No you're not."
Mister Fantastic: "I'm a total fraud. You know you're never getting cured, right?"
Thing: "... Huh?"
Mister Fantastic: "I don't even know how this all happened! I made it up! The N-Zone portal was made out of a baked bean can and a shoe! I thought I was in an art class! Then all this **** happens with Jean Claude Van Damme and his homeless friends... God. I'm going to get us all killed."
Human Torch: "... But you can think away out of it though, right?"
Mister Fantastic: "No. There's no hope... unless... Of course! Nanovolution!"
Thing: "What's that?"
Mister Fantastic: "Evolving nanites? Hell, I don't know. Let's see where this one goes..."

TO BE CONTINUED... BADLY
 
Last edited:
Bass said:
Mister Fantastic: "Okay. Fine. I'm not really smart. What I do is take two pop-science words and put them together and then have it do something magical. It's kind of a cold-reading version of science."
Thing: "I don't get it."
Mister Fantastic: "Nothing I do makes any kind of sense. I just pretend that it does and it works, even though there's no real basis for it ever anywhere."
Thing: "Uh huh."
Mister Fantastic: "So it's just magic. I do what I want when I want, because I sound smart. I'm a big fat liar."
Thing: "I don't get it."
Mister Fantastic: "Ok. Look. Umm... ok. Remember that time Gah Lak Tus showed up and then kinda just went away and forgot to eat us?"
Thing: "No."
Mister Fantastic: "Oh. Well, it was probably a retcon. Anyway, the point is, I can make anything from anything to kill it, in the nick of time. Look... *puts on stern science face* I've got a plan. What we need is a gene-physics particle hyper-matrix. What's that you ask? Well, the idea is that on the subatomic level, we each have our own universes. The idea is that the body is microuniverse of cells and atoms and molecules. Now, if we were to invert that, we could project the gravitational effects within our own physical structures outward, magnifying them many times, and such a gravitational force could essentially sweep Gah Lak Tus a million light years away in a second."
Human Torch: "Wow! Really?"
Mister Fantastic: "No. All I said is I'm going to make a machine that pushes Gah Lak Tus really far away quickly, but I said it in a way that made it sound cooler than it did."
Thing: "I didn't know humans were their own micro-universal whatchamacallits."
Mister Fantastic: "They're not! I just took two random pop science words - Genes and Physics, things no one ever really listens to and then made up the rest. Look I'll do it again - Temporal-Constants. Aaah... these are moments in space-time that are essentially quantum buoys on for the temporal stream and connect as a road network to keep the temporal stream on track."
Human Torch: "What do they look like?"
Mister Fantastic: "They don't look like anything! I just made them up!"
Thing: "You're so smart."
Human Torch: "Yeah."
Mister Fantastic: "No! I'm not! I'm a bull****ting crossbreed of Mr T and McGuyver!"
Thing: "You're smart."
Mister Fantastic: "Really? Why do all my plans involve one of you two hitting someone really hard?"
Human Torch: "Because you're resourceful?"
Mister Fantastic: "BECAUSE I'M A FRAUD!"
Thing: "No you're not."
Mister Fantastic: "I'm a total fraud. You know you're never getting cured, right?"
Thing: "... Huh?"
Mister Fantastic: "I don't even know how this all happened! I made it up! The N-Zone portal was made out of a baked bean can and a shoe! I thought I was in an art class! Then all this **** happens with Jean Claude Van Damme and his homeless friends... God. I'm going to get us all killed."
Human Torch: "... But you can think away out of it though, right?"
Mister Fantastic: "No. There's no hope... unless... Of course! Nanovolution!"
Thing: "What's that?"
Mister Fantastic: "Evolving nanites? Hell, I don't know. Let's see where this one goes..."

TO BE CONTINUED... BADLY
Click to expand...

I think I just converted to Bassism.
 
Bass said:
Mister Fantastic: "Okay. Fine. I'm not really smart. What I do is take two pop-science words and put them together and then have it do something magical. It's kind of a cold-reading version of science."
Thing: "I don't get it."
Mister Fantastic: "Nothing I do makes any kind of sense. I just pretend that it does and it works, even though there's no real basis for it ever anywhere."
Thing: "Uh huh."
Mister Fantastic: "So it's just magic. I do what I want when I want, because I sound smart. I'm a big fat liar."
Thing: "I don't get it."
Mister Fantastic: "Ok. Look. Umm... ok. Remember that time Gah Lak Tus showed up and then kinda just went away and forgot to eat us?"
Thing: "No."
Mister Fantastic: "Oh. Well, it was probably a retcon. Anyway, the point is, I can make anything from anything to kill it, in the nick of time. Look... *puts on stern science face* I've got a plan. What we need is a gene-physics particle hyper-matrix. What's that you ask? Well, the idea is that on the subatomic level, we each have our own universes. The idea is that the body is microuniverse of cells and atoms and molecules. Now, if we were to invert that, we could project the gravitational effects within our own physical structures outward, magnifying them many times, and such a gravitational force could essentially sweep Gah Lak Tus a million light years away in a second."
Human Torch: "Wow! Really?"
Mister Fantastic: "No. All I said is I'm going to make a machine that pushes Gah Lak Tus really far away quickly, but I said it in a way that made it sound cooler than it did."
Thing: "I didn't know humans were their own micro-universal whatchamacallits."
Mister Fantastic: "They're not! I just took two random pop science words - Genes and Physics, things no one ever really listens to and then made up the rest. Look I'll do it again - Temporal-Constants. Aaah... these are moments in space-time that are essentially quantum buoys on for the temporal stream and connect as a road network to keep the temporal stream on track."
Human Torch: "What do they look like?"
Mister Fantastic: "They don't look like anything! I just made them up!"
Thing: "You're so smart."
Human Torch: "Yeah."
Mister Fantastic: "No! I'm not! I'm a bull****ting crossbreed of Mr T and McGuyver! It's like I'm written by the guys who write Star Trek!"
Thing: "You're smart."
Mister Fantastic: "Really? Why do all my plans involve one of you two hitting someone really hard?"
Human Torch: "Because you're resourceful?"
Mister Fantastic: "BECAUSE I'M A FRAUD!"
Thing: "No you're not."
Mister Fantastic: "I'm a total fraud. You know you're never getting cured, right?"
Thing: "... Huh?"
Mister Fantastic: "I don't even know how this all happened! I made it up! The N-Zone portal was made out of a baked bean can and a shoe! I thought I was in an art class! Then all this **** happens with Jean Claude Van Damme and his homeless friends... God. I'm going to get us all killed."
Human Torch: "... But you can think away out of it though, right?"
Mister Fantastic: "No. There's no hope... unless... Of course! Nanovolution!"
Thing: "What's that?"
Mister Fantastic: "Evolving nanites? Hell, I don't know. Let's see where this one goes..."

TO BE CONTINUED... BADLY
Click to expand...

Winner.

Oh, and welcome back.
 
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