Ultimate Defenders

Joe Kalicki

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Ultimate Defenders
Chapter One
Registration Day



It’s summer, the hottest day of the year. A white guy in dark sunglasses and a baseball cap and a shirtless black guy in yellow pants wait in line at the New York Department of Motor Vehicles to register their new car.

“How long have we been waiting?” Luke Cage, the black guy, also known as Power Man of the Defenders, asked. “Why don’t they have a clock up in here?”

“Like two minutes,” the white guy, Nighthawk, replied after checking his watch. He tugged at his sweat-soaked t-shirt. “I don’t think they have air conditioning either. It’s hot as hell today.”

“Not to me, man. “ Power Man replied. “I’m the coolest!”

About that time the elderly DMV security guard arose from his slumber and noticed the huge shirtless black man at the end of the line. He cautiously approached the offending party and tactfully asked him to leave the premises until properly attired. “Man, you can’t be in here without no shirt on! Get on out of here until you’re dressed properly!”

“But it’s hot,” protested Power Man, rubbing a hand over his glistening, muscled chest. “And the temperature’s high too.”

The security guard just looked at Power Man for a few seconds, then calmly announced over his walkie-talkie “I need backup here at the front.”

“Okay, okay, calm down man, I’m leaving.” Power Man said, turning toward the door. He shook his head and muttered under his breath “Man, this is a funky cold medina.”

Nighthawk checked his watch again as Power Man left the building. The line hadn’t moved an inch. I’m going to be late to the meeting, he thought.

***

Patsy Walker unlocked the door to Nighthawk’s apartment and stepped inside. As Hellcat she was acting chairman of the Defenders this week so it was her job to get there first and set up the snacks.

She was taking the Ruffles and sour cream dip from their plastic grocery bag when there was a buzzing at the door. She asked over the speaker “What’s the password?”

“Oh crap, I don’t remember. I think I’m still drunk,” a female voice answered. “Look, just let me in, it’s hot as hell out here.”

“Okay, but don’t tell Nighthawk I did this,” Patsy said, buzzing the second woman in. About thirty seconds later Patsy opened the door and let Barbara, the Defender known as Valkyrie, in.

“Man, it is so freakin’ hot. I cannot wait to get into my costume!” Barbara exclaimed. “Where is everyone?”

“I’m the first one here. I was just about to melt the cheese dip. Nighthawk is still at the DMV registering the Firebird. Everyone else should be showing up soon.”

“Good. I need to just relax a little. Rough night.”

“Oh?” This got Patsy’s attention. “Did somebody see a certain Giant-Man last night?”

“That walking misnomer? No, I haven’t talked to Hank in a while.”

“Meow. You’ve got your claws out, girl!” Patsy made a clawing motion in the air to emphasize her point. “Look, you gotta just play with a man like a ball of yarn then forget him like something you buried in your kitty litter.”

“Okay, enough with the cat stuff already.”

“Sorry. That’s really all I have anyway.”

“It’s okay. It’s just that Hank said there was this new group he was interested in and I don’t think he’s coming back.”

“That’s too bad. It was really cool having a real super-hero on the team,” Patsy lamented.

“Yeah, the Ultimates are the whole reason I got into this thing in the first place,” Barbara replied.

“For me it was the Fantastic Four,” Patsy said, putting the cheese dip into the microwave.

“Really? They’re so new though.”

“Yeah, but I’ve been around them right from the start. See, I used to have aspirations of being an actress, but the only gigs I could get were in dinner theater and commercials. I did a tutorial for Teletech Security Systems once.” Patsy paused to take the cheese dip out of the microwave. It was still cold in the middle so she put it back in. “Well, after the Fantastic Four crashed their space ship in Vegas they were obviously on the fast track to being famous. It took a while after that because I guess they wanted the Human Torch to finish high school first. Anyway, in the meantime they moved everyone else out of the Baxter Building and turned it into, like, an Epcot Center for the Fantastic Four. I got to be their Walter Cronkite, and hosted a tour through the building for visitors.”

“That was you? I’ve been through that!” Exclaimed Barbara. “That is so cool!”

“It is cool, but it didn’t really lead to any more jobs, and listening to those kids’ stories really gave me the itch to do something more with my life.” The microwave beeped, the cheese dip was perfect, and the Son of Satan walked into the apartment.

“Hey,” Son of Satan said.

“How did you get in here?” Patsy asked.

“I have my ways,” Son of Satan responded mysteriously. “It’s hot as hell out there.”

“You would know!” Barbara joked. Son of Satan glared at her. “Anyway,” Barbara continued, “That reminds me, I’ve got to put my costume on.”

“And I’ve gotta pee,” Patsy added. Both women hurried into the bathroom. Son of Satan shrugged and sat down on the couch.

***

Power Man walked back into the DMV with a New York Mets 2000 National League Champions shirt on. He went right up to Nighthawk, at the end of the line.

“Nice shirt,” Nighthawk said.

“Two bucks at the Speedway on the corner,” Power Man said, “so you haven’t moved at all?”

“Actually, I did. But then they told me I was in the wrong line, so I had to go all the way back.”

“Aw, damn!”

“But at least I got to ask about our vanity plates. DFNDR1 is already taken.”

“Who would want that?”

“Apparently some guy named Owen Dufnider. My new nemesis.”

“Whoa, be cool brother.”

“That’s not likely. I’m burning up in here and I have to go potty.”

“Well, give me your stuff. I’ll hold your place in line.”

“I don’t know. I have personal information there.”

“It’s cool man, I won’t tell nobody.”

Nighthawk considered this for a while, weighing his options. At last he decided to trust this man who he had fought beside on a couple of occasions. “Here,” he said, handing his paperwork and information over to Power Man. “I’m trusting you with the most important secret of all, my secret identity.”

“Thanks man. It really means a lot to me.”

“No, thank you.” Nighthawk clapped a hand on Power Man’s shoulder. “You’re like a brother to me. I mean,” he stuttered, “an actual brother! Like we have the same mom!”

“Just go to the bathroom.”

Nighthawk went to the bathroom, and when he returned Power Man was still at the end of the line.

“I can’t believe this,” he said. “I better call in, let them know we’re going to be late.”

Nighthawk took out his cell phone and called his apartment. Son of Satan answered, “Hello?”

“Son of Satan? It’s Nighthawk. Is everyone else there?”

“Just Hellcat and Valkyrie,” Son of Satan replied. “They’re in the bathroom. I think they’re lesbians.”

“That’s. . . interesting,” Nighthawk wasn’t sure what to say beyond that. “Uh, this is taking longer than expected here.”

“Well, if you want, I could get in touch with someone who could speed things up.”

“You mean. . . ?”

“That’s right. The Big S.”

“I’m not sure I’m comfortable with. . . “

“Would you rather be there all day? I know I don’t want to be here all day.”

Nighthawk thought about this. It wasn’t an easy decision to make, but he felt it was the best one for the team. To have everybody at the meeting. That’s what he told himself. What he told Son of Satan was “Go ahead, do it.”

***

Son of Satan hung up the phone. This was taking forever. He wanted this meeting to end so he could get home in time to watch 24. Clearly, this called for drastic measures.

Son of Satan took out his cell phone, his special cell phone, and dialed his secret code. Someone answered on the other end and Son of Satan responded “This is Agent Damien. I have a problem I need you to take care of.”

***

“What did he say?” Power Man asked.

“He said he would get in touch with someone who could help us out.”

“You mean. . . ?” Power Man asked, pointing toward the ground.

“That’s what I assumed.”

“Hail Satan,” Power Man whispered.

“Hail Satan,” Nighthawk agreed under his breath.

***

It was a red light, so the Black Knight opened his car door to let the air in. “I’m sorry again,” he apologized, “but these damn windows have a mind of their own. When it’s hot they won’t go down and when it’s cold they won’t go up. It’s like they’re trying to kill me.”

“It’s all right,” his passenger responded, “I’ve been slowly lowering the temperature of the car since I got in. I’m actually more worried about my wheelchair in the trunk.”

“It’s fine,” the Black Knight said, closing his car door and driving forward when the light turned green. There was a loud thunk from the back as the car pulled forward. The sound of the trunk closing violently on a wheelchair. “You know, I think I can kind of feel it getting colder in here. Thanks, Whiz Kid.”

“No problem,” Whiz Kid responded absent-mindedly, craning his neck to look over his shoulder at the source of the thunk. “As you know, I have the power to thermally affect certain non-organic materials. That includes most of your car.”

“That’s really cool, man,” the Black Knight said, with the kind of grin on his face that one only gets after they believe they’ve successfully punned. “I’m glad it’s my turn to drive you to the meeting.”

“I’m not too good at stopping the process once it’s started though.”

***

Nighthawk and Power Man took one step forward when a group of fully armed S.H.I.E.L.D. agents burst through the windows of the DMV, announcing there was a gas leak and everyone needed to leave the premises immediately. The civilians in the DMV panicked and started running for the doors in a highly disorganized fashion.

“We need to help here!” Nighthawk said. “Too bad I don’t have my costume.”

“I have mine!” Power Man declared, taking off his newly-purchased shirt.

“Hold on guys, we’ve got it under control,” one of the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents said, putting out a hand to stop Power Man from doing anything rash. Other agents were already forming the civilians into a single file line and helping them out the doors.

“But we want to do whatever we can to help,” Nighthawk protested.

“The best thing you can do now, sir, is to get to your meeting,” the S.H.I.E.L.D. agent replied, handing Nighthawk all the necessary registration paperwork he needed. “Compliments of you-know-who.”

“What just happened?” Power Man asked.

“I don’t know, but I need to call my apartment.”

***

Son of Satan hung up the phone as Hellcat and Valkyrie emerged from the bathroom in full super-hero regalia. “No one else is here yet?” Hellcat asked.

“Well, that was Nighthawk on the phone,” Son of Satan replied, “Power Man and him are on the way now, and I just buzzed in Whiz Kid and the Black Knight. Were you two making out in there?”

“In your dreams!” Valkyrie protested.

“More like in my bed.”

“Yeah, right. When hell freezes over.”

The door to the apartment opened and Black Knight pushed Whiz Kid inside. Both were noticeably shivering and their breaths were visible. Through chattering teeth Black Knight announced “Could you turn off the air? We’re freezing.”

Son of Satan turned to Hellcat and Valkyrie with a wide grin on his face. “I’ll see you two tonight.”

The End
 
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ProjectX2

Don't expect me to take you with me when I go to s
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Excellent. In total, I think there were two errors: "and" instead of "at", and you put a quotation mark when there wasn't one needed.

But like I said, this was excellent. I loved The Ultimate Defenders and your story fits in perfectly. Your characterization is perfect, and I love how it all ties together in the end.

You're a good writer, and I'm looking forward to the next chapters.
 

Joe Kalicki

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Joined
Nov 11, 2006
Messages
10,297
Location
Awesome Town, USA
Thank you.

I think I've fixed all the errors now. I hope.

I've got two more chapters pretty generally plotted out, but I start classes Monday so I don't know when I'll get to them. Hopefully soon, but if not expect Ultimates-like delays.
 

Seldes Katne

Site mom
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I must remember not to read this at work any more. (When you burst out laughing in a public library, people tend to get rather annoyed -- or at least look at you funny.... :wink: )

These characters are so the Ultimate Defenders. I enjoyed it immensely and am looking forward to future installments (without the Ultimate-like delays, I hope).
 

Joe Kalicki

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Joined
Nov 11, 2006
Messages
10,297
Location
Awesome Town, USA
Ultimate Defenders
Chapter Two
The Car That Drove Its Driver. . . Insane!



“I have an announcement to make,” Nighthawk said to the assembled Defenders (minus Black Knight, who was running late for work this morning), both raising and lowering his voice in the manner of one with a Very Important Thing to Say. “I’m afraid Whiz Kid has passed..."

There was a collective gasp from the super-hero audience (except for Son of Satan who was busy reading an article in the latest Guns and Ammo). After the appropriate dramatic pause Nighthawk continued “On membership in our team. Apparently he thought we were exploiting his. . . disposition. I know we’re all going to miss out little wheel fellow, but we must remain strong and persevere. This type of loss can only bring us closer as a unit.”

“I’m going to miss having a member with super powers again.” Valkyrie said.

“I’m gonna miss the Firebird.” Power Man added.

“Whoa, wait just a second,” said Nighthawk. “Who said anything about losing the Defendermobile?”

“Well, I just assumed. Since, you, we only got it. . . for him.”

“No way are they going to take the car,” Hellcat chimed in. “It’s a total tax write-off for them.”

“They can still take it if they want, I think. Maybe you should park it on a different street just in case they’re looking for it.” Valkyrie suggested.

“Oh man! I just spent three hours in my mom’s attic digging out my old 8-tracks for it!” Power Man exclaimed, holding up a duffle bag full of the antiquated recordings.

Just then Nighthawk’s cell phone rang. He answered it, as most people with ringing cell phones are wont to do. The Black Knight was calling.

“Hello?” Nighthawk said. “Yes. . . Hang tight, we’ll be right there!”

“What is it?” Valkyrie asked.

“The Black Knight needs out help on the freeway. To the Defendermobile!” Nighthawk announced, dashing out the door.

“We can’t all fit in the Defendermobile.” Valkyrie said.

“Well, I guess we can take my Neon,” Hellcat suggested.

“I’ll ride with Nighthawk!” Power Man said, following the team leader out the door.

“Are you coming?” Hellcat asked Son of Satan, who continued reading his magazine on the couch.

“Yeah,” he said, reluctantly standing up and yawning. “Yeah, I suppose.”

***

The day had started out pretty typically for the Black Knight. He woke up and shut off his TV where the menu screen for Monty Python and the Holy Grail had been playing all night after he fell asleep watching the movie. He put on a nice shirt and some slacks, washed his face in the bathroom sink, and liberally squirted on some cologne.

He grabbed a pack of Pop Tarts to eat on the way to work and went out to his car which was parked a block and a half away from his apartment building. His car started right away for a change, almost before he turned the key, it seemed. He tried to tune his radio but there appeared to be some sort of interference and none of the stations would come on.

He pulled away from the curb and started down the street when his car began accelerating well beyond the speed he intended to go. He tried breaking, but to no avail. The car kept going, regardless of any obstacles in its way, such as traffic signals or human lives. It was all Black Knight could do to avoid the other cars in front of him. He pulled at the steering wheel, getting the car onto the freeway onramp where there would be more room to maneuver.

Once in this slightly safer location, Black Knight took out his cell phone and called Nighthawk.

“Hello?” Answered Nighthawk.

“This is Black Knight! Are you having a meeting?”

“Yes. . . “

“I need your help; my car is trying to kill me!”

“Hang tight, we’ll be right there!”

***

Power Man got into the running Defendermobile and Nighthawk asked him from the driver’s seat “is everybody else coming?”

“The girls and Son of Satan are taking Hellcat’s car, so we have to wait for them so they can follow us.”

“Well, they better get a move on, Black Knight’s on the freeway trapped in a 1988 Buick Deathmobile!”

“Do you think we should call the police and let them know the situation?”

“No!” Nighthawk responded rather forcefully. He went on to explain “I’m not entirely certain we can trust our government right now.”

“How do you mean?”

“Well, I’ve been thinking about that day we went to the DMV.”

“Wednesday?”

“Yes, Wednesday. Son of Satan said he would help us out with his. . . connections.” Nighthawk pointed toward the floor to illustrate what he meant. “Then the next thing we know government agents close the place down and have all of our paperwork. Isn’t that a little suspicious?”

“You mean, you think the United States government is in league with. . . ?” Power Man pointed to the same spot Nighthawk just had. Nighthawk nodded his affirmation. “Man, that’s whack,” Power Man said, shaking his head. “That’s wiggity-whack.”

A car horn sounded, interrupting their speculation. Hellcat’s Neon was right behind them. The Defenders hit the road.

***

The Black Knight hung up his cell phone and swerved his car in and out of traffic, barely managing to avoid a spectacularly fatal collision with all manner of wheeled vehicles. “This is getting really old,” he thought to himself. “I wish the radio was working. A little Creedence would go a long way towards making this suck less.”

Black Knight pulled onto the shoulder of the road to avoid certain death as just then in his rear view mirror he could see what looked very like Hellcat’s Neon pulling up behind him with Son of Satan hanging out the back seat window.

***

Nighthawk closed his cell phone and gripped his steering wheel tight, punching the accelerator to the floor. “We’re getting close,” he announced.

Just then a large white van going at an exceptionally slow speed cut over in front of him from the right lane.

“Sweet Kwanzaa!” Power Man yelled, throwing his arms up in front of his face in anticipation of the last rear ending of his life.

Nighthawk slammed on the brakes, the Defendermobile coming to an almost complete stop behind the van. Nighthawk glanced at the van’s license plate, which read DFNDR1.

“Dufnider!” He cursed, honking the Defenderhorn as Hellcat changed lanes behind them and her Neon sped forward, continuing the chase.

***

“It looks like we’re going to be on our own for a while.” Hellcat said after passing the Defendermobile.

“There he is!” Valkyrie shouted excitedly from the passenger seat, pointing to Black Knight’s car driving down the shoulder of the road.

“Now what are we supposed to do?” Hellcat asked, maneuvering her car behind the Black Knight’s.

“I’ll take care of it,” Son of Satan said from the back seat, rolling down his window and climbing halfway out of the car. He reached into a secret pouch on his belt and pulled out two S.H.I.E.L.D.-issue mini-grenades. He tossed them towards the Black Knight’s car.

“What’s he doing?” Hellcat asked.

“I have no idea.” Valkyrie answered, trying to see what was happening behind her.

Suddenly the ground beneath the Black Knight’s car erupted in flames. The fire melted the car tires and the Black Knight’s car skidded to a stop, narrowly avoiding a collision with the guard rail on the side of the road.

Son of Satan sat back in his seat and told Hellcat to pull over.

“Wow, I didn’t know you could do that!” Valkyrie exclaimed, her eyes lighting up at the prospect of having super powers on the team after all.

“There isn’t a lot you do know.” Son of Satan responded.

Hellcat stopped next to the Black Knight’s car as Black Knight was climbing out, holding his head.

“I knew that car had it in for me!” Black Knight said as Son of Satan ushered him into the backseat of Hellcat’s car.

“Get him to work.” Son of Satan commanded.

“What about his car?” Hellcat asked.

“Leave me here,” Son of Satan responded. “I’ll take care of it.”

Hellcat pulled away, leaving Son of Satan behind. He made a call on his cell phone. “This is Agent Damien. Again. I need a clean-up crew on the freeway.”

***

Nighthawk had finally found an opening and was able to change lanes and continue the chase. When he got to the Black Knight’s car, though, it was already surrounded by black vans and what appeared to be a S.H.I.E.L.D. officer was putting out a fire on the side of the road. Nighthawk drove past the scene slowly and could’ve sworn he saw Son of Satan speaking with a group of men in black suits. Nighthawk looked to Power Man for confirmation and the latter solemnly shook his head in acknowledgment.

***

Black Knight sprinted from Hellcat’s car into the building where he worked. He took the elevator up to his floor and dashed around the corner where he almost ran over his boss.

“Sir, I’m sorry,” Black Knight apologized. “I was running late this morning and then was car was acting funny – “

“Alex, what are you talking about?” The boss cut him off. “You’ve been here since nine. In fact, you’ve already finished most of your work.”

“Um. . . what?”

To be continued
 
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Iceshadow

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Houston,Texas
Son of Satan: Agent of Shield?!
Nice, this was a pretty good issue, you did a really good job on the visual story telling during the chase scene.
 

Seldes Katne

Site mom
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Son of Satan: Agent of Shield?!
Yes, absolutely. Iceshadow, did you read the first Ultimates Annual? If not, track down a copy, and this will make a lot more sense.

Joe, you've done an excellent job of capturing the general cluelessness of most of the Defenders. This is shaping up to be a very amusing and entertaining series.

Looking forward to more. :D
 

Joe Kalicki

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Joined
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Messages
10,297
Location
Awesome Town, USA
Joe, you've done an excellent job of capturing the general cluelessness of most of the Defenders. This is shaping up to be a very amusing and entertaining series.

Looking forward to more. :D


I'm glad you think so, because after the next one I'm totally stealing your help.
 

Joe Kalicki

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Joined
Nov 11, 2006
Messages
10,297
Location
Awesome Town, USA
Ultimate Defenders
Chapter Three
Say, That New Guy At Work Looks Kinda Familiar. . .



The Black Knight was surprised to hear that he had been at work all day, seeing as how he distinctly remembered showing up at his job just this moment. He looked past his boss and saw someone who looked very much like him standing by the water cooler next to Pam from accounting. Black Knight ducked behind a wall so as not to be seen in return.

That’s a funny thing, thought Black Knight’s boss as he watched his employee dash behind a wall. He walked on, heading to his office for a nap. I wonder if the baseball game will delay my favorite creatively-bankrupt, unfunny, pandering sitcom tonight?

Black Knight peeked around the corner and saw himself laughing hysterically at something Pam from accounting had just said. That doesn’t seem like something I would do, he thought, checking his hand for a paper cup of water just to make doubly certain he wasn’t just looking into a mirror.

What should I do? This is nuts! Black Knight decided that after the morning he’d had so far he just couldn’t handle something like this right now. He thought it best to probably just go home. He snuck out of the building and called Nighthawk on his cell phone.

Nighthawk and Power Man pulled up to the curb about half an hour later in the Defendermobile and Black Knight got in. He explained what had happened to him at work and, after assurances that he wasn’t just looking in a mirror, they decided to go back to Nighthawk’s apartment and discuss it with the other Defenders, who were waiting there for them to return. At the apartment Black Knight repeated his story once more to Hellcat, Valkyrie and Son of Satan.

“Are you sure you weren’t just looking in a mirror?” asked Valkyrie.

“Yes!”

“How can you be really sure?”

“Well, he claims he saw himself talking to a woman, so I believe it wasn’t really him,” added Hellcat.

“Oh yeah, I guess that does make sense,” Valkyrie agreed.

“Thanks guys,” Black Knight said. “But what should we do about it? Who would want to impersonate me?”

“Who knows?” Said Nighthawk. “But we should definitely investigate. Let’s start at your apartment.”

“Can we get something to eat first?” Black Knight asked. “I’m starving.”

After a light snack the team drove out to Black Knight’s apartment. The traffic was terrible and there was no parking near the building.

Nighthawk and Hellcat went to find parking spots while the rest of the team went into the apartment building. They took the elevator up to Black Knight’s floor and walked towards his apartment before Son of Satan stopped them. There was a loud noise coming from behind Black Knight’s door.

“Is that a flute?” Asked Valkyrie.

“Oh man, someone’s blasting my Jethro Tull albums!” Black Knight shouted.

Son of Satan put a finger over his lips to signify everyone should be silent. He crept along the wall toward the door. “I’m going in.”

Son of Satan kicked the door open and a blast of force threw him against the wall across the hallway, knocking him out.

***
He was riding in the front of the train where his father was showing him the controls used to drive the train. They were coming to a street and he could see a car was stalled on the tracks. The driver of the car ran from his vehicle. His father held him back, preparing to make impact with the car. The car’s driver was running back to the car. He watched as the driver pulled a briefcase from the car just as the train slammed into him, car and driver exploding in a million pieces, the train’s window covered in gore and shrapnel.

***
“Wake up!” Valkyrie cried, shaking Son of Satan’s unconscious body. Son of Satan opened his eyes and asked what happened.

“You were mumbling something about being a kid,” Valkyrie said. “It sounded like you were reliving your worst memory.”

“Yeah,” Son of Satan said, a little smile on his lips, “Worst.

Just then a figure that looked exactly like Black Knight dashed from the apartment door and down the hallway. Son of Satan yelled to get him and Black Knight and Power Man chased after him. The Black Knight imposter ran toward the elevator where someone had just gotten on. “Hold the door!” He yelled.

The woman in the elevator put her hand out to stop the door but as the Black Knight imposter went to enter with her he was tackled roughly from behind by Power Man, both bodies tumbling into the elevator at the feet of the woman, who let out a yell of surprise. Son of Satan, Valkyrie and the real Black Knight charged into the elevator as well. The woman stepped over the two on the floor and around the rest of the crowd, escaping the elevator and running back to her apartment.

The Black Knight imposter pushed Power Man off him and got up. He shoved Valkyrie out of his way and she slammed against the floor buttons, pushing them all. He tried to run from the elevator, but the real Black Knight grabbed him by his ponytail and yanked him back in as the doors shut.

“Ow!” The Black Knight imposter yelled, grabbing the back of his head. “What the hell man?”

“Why are you trying to steal my life?” The real Black Knight demanded.

“Because you’re not doing anything with it!”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean you just go to work mindlessly every day, spend all your money on DVDs and toys and never socialize with anyone except these other misfits,” the Black Knight imposter shouted, waving his hand toward Son of Satan and Valkyrie to prove his point. “You haven’t even had a girlfriend since high school!”

“So? That doesn’t give you the right to just pretend to be me! Who are you anyway?”

The elevator stopped and the doors opened to allow a man in just as the Black Knight imposter burst into flame, revealing a bright red demonic visage. The man took a step back from the elevator and pushed the down button as the door closed again.

“My name is Agathon, I sit at the right hand of Satan himself. And it is boring. I tired of my life in Hell and longed to try living the life of a simple human. After seeing the near infinite number of sins they were being punished for I couldn’t imagine a more enjoyable way to live.”

“So you decided to just take over my life?” Black Knight asked.

“Yes. You had the fewest complications I could find and an utter lack of relations. It would have been simple to just slip into your daily routine and no one would ever notice. If only the enchantment I had placed on your vehicle were successful.” The elevator door opened again, but no one was waiting and it closed again without incident.

“But you seemed to have a pretty good gig,” Valkyrie said. “Haven’t you ever heard the saying ‘it’s better to rule in Hell?’ ”

“Sure, it was great for a while. But can you imagine an eternity where your only friends are the foulest demons from the deepest pits of Hell and your only entertainment the anguished cries of multitudes of sinners? Here I can drive to work listening to Mojo’s Morning Monkeyhouse and when I get off I can play golf with Ralph and Gary. I already have a date with Pam from accounting tonight.”

“Really?” Black Knight asked.

“Yeah, she’s been into you for a while.”

“I had no idea.”

“Well that’s exactly my point! I can live your life better than you do!”

“But if you do that what am I supposed to do?”

“You can go to Hell!” Agathon said, grabbing Black Knight and dragging him through a portal that opened in the middle of the elevator. The portal disappeared, leaving Power Man, Valkyrie and Son of Satan behind. The elevator door opened to reveal Nighthawk and Hellcat standing in the hall.

“Hey guys, what’s up?” Hellcat asked.

To be continued
 
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Iceshadow

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:D :D

Loved it Joe Kalicki.

I like this interesting turn of events and am curious as to what happens next. Also, I liked the joke with the elevator stopping at every floor while they were trying interrogate the impostor.
 

Psy_Blade

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Ultimate Defenders
Chapter Three
Say, That New Guy At Work Looks Kinda Familiar. . .



The Black Knight was surprised to hear that he had been at work all day, seeing as how he distinctly remembered showing up at his job just this moment. He looked past his boss and saw someone who looked very much like him standing by the water cooler next to Pam from accounting. Black Knight ducked behind a wall so as not to be seen in return.

That’s a funny thing, thought Black Knight’s boss as he watched his employee dash behind a wall. He walked on, heading to his office for a nap. I wonder if the baseball game will delay my favorite creatively-bankrupt, unfunny, pandering sitcom tonight?

Black Knight peeked around the corner and saw himself laughing hysterically at something Pam from accounting had just said. That doesn’t seem like something I would do, he thought, checking his hand for a paper cup of water just to make doubly certain he wasn’t just looking into a mirror.

What should I do? This is nuts! Black Knight decided that after the morning he’d had so far he just couldn’t handle something like this right now. He thought it best to probably just go home. He snuck out of the building and called Nighthawk on his cell phone.

Nighthawk and Power Man pulled up to the curb about half an hour later in the Defendermobile and Black Knight got in. He explained what had happened to him at work and, after assurances that he wasn’t just looking in a mirror, they decided to go back to Nighthawk’s apartment and discuss it with the other Defenders, who were waiting there for them to return. At the apartment Black Knight repeated his story once more to Hellcat, Valkyrie and Son of Satan.

“Are you sure you weren’t just looking in a mirror?” asked Valkyrie.

“Yes!”

“How can you be really sure?”

“Well, he claims he saw himself talking to a woman, so I believe it wasn’t really him,” added Hellcat.

“Oh yeah, I guess that does make sense,” Valkyrie agreed.

“Thanks guys,” Black Knight said. “But what should we do about it? Who would want to impersonate me?”

“Who knows?” Said Nighthawk. “But we should definitely investigate. Let’s start at your apartment.”

“Can we get something to eat first?” Black Knight asked. “I’m starving.”

After a light snack the team drove out to Black Knight’s apartment. The traffic was terrible and there was no parking near the building.

Nighthawk and Hellcat went to find parking spots while the rest of the team went into the apartment building. They took the elevator up to Black Knight’s floor and walked towards his apartment before Son of Satan stopped them. There was a loud noise coming from behind Black Knight’s door.

“Is that a flute?” Asked Valkyrie.

“Oh man, someone’s blasting my Jethro Tull albums!” Black Knight shouted.

Son of Satan put a finger over his lips to signify everyone should be silent. He crept along the wall toward the door. “I’m going in.”

Son of Satan kicked the door open and a blast of force threw him against the wall across the hallway, knocking him out.

***
He was riding in the front of the train where his father was showing him the controls used to drive the train. They were coming to a street and he could see a car was stalled on the tracks. The driver of the car ran from his vehicle. His father held him back, preparing to make impact with the car. The car’s driver was running back to the car. He watched as the driver pulled a briefcase from the car just as the train slammed into him, car and driver exploding in a million pieces, the train’s window covered in gore and shrapnel.

***
“Wake up!” Valkyrie cried, shaking Son of Satan’s unconscious body. Son of Satan opened his eyes and asked what happened.

“You were mumbling something about being a kid,” Valkyrie said. “It sounded like you were reliving your worst memory.”

“Yeah,” Son of Satan said, a little smile on his lips, “Worst.

Just then a figure that looked exactly like Black Knight dashed from the apartment door and down the hallway. Son of Satan yelled to get him and Black Knight and Power Man chased after him. The Black Knight imposter ran toward the elevator where someone had just gotten on. “Hold the door!” He yelled.

The woman in the elevator put her hand out to stop the door but as the Black Knight imposter went to enter with her he was tackled roughly from behind by Power Man, both bodies tumbling into the elevator at the feet of the woman, who let out a yell of surprise. Son of Satan, Valkyrie and the real Black Knight charged into the elevator as well. The woman stepped over the two on the floor and around the rest of the crowd, escaping the elevator and running back to her apartment.

The Black Knight imposter pushed Power Man off him and got up. He shoved Valkyrie out of his way and she slammed against the floor buttons, pushing them all. He tried to run from the elevator, but the real Black Knight grabbed him by his ponytail and yanked him back in as the doors shut.

“Ow!” The Black Knight imposter yelled, grabbing the back of his head. “What the hell man?”

“Why are you trying to steal my life?” The real Black Knight demanded.

“Because you’re not doing anything with it!”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean you just go to work mindlessly every day, spend all your money on DVDs and toys and never socialize with anyone except these other misfits,” the Black Knight imposter shouted, waving his hand toward Son of Satan and Valkyrie to prove his point. “You haven’t even had a girlfriend since high school!”

“So? That doesn’t give you the right to just pretend to be me! Who are you anyway?”

The elevator stopped and the doors opened to allow a man in just as the Black Knight imposter burst into flame, revealing a bright red demonic visage. The man took a step back from the elevator and pushed the down button as the door closed again.

“My name is Agathon, I sit at the right hand of Satan himself. And it is boring. I tired of my life in Hell and longed to try living the life of a simple human. After seeing the near infinite number of sins they were being punished for I couldn’t imagine a more enjoyable way to live.”

“So you decided to just take over my life?” Black Knight asked.

“Yes. You had the fewest complications I could find and an utter lack of relations. It would have been simple to just slip into your daily routine and no one would ever notice. If only the enchantment I had placed on your vehicle were successful.” The elevator door opened again, but no one was waiting and it closed again without incident.

“But you seemed to have a pretty good gig,” Valkyrie said. “Haven’t you ever heard the saying ‘it’s better to rule in Hell?’ ”

“Sure, it was great for a while. But can you imagine an eternity where your only friends are the foulest demons from the deepest pits of Hell and your only entertainment the anguished cries of multitudes of sinners? Here I can drive to work listening to Mojo’s Morning Monkeyhouse and when I get off I can play golf with Ralph and Gary. I already have a date with Pam from accounting tonight.”

“Really?” Black Knight asked.

“Yeah, she’s been into you for a while.”

“I had no idea.”

“Well that’s exactly my point! I can live your life better than you do!”

“But if you do that what am I supposed to do?”

“You can go to Hell!” Agathon said, grabbing Black Knight and dragging him through a portal that opened in the middle of the elevator. The portal disappeared, leaving Power Man, Valkyrie and Son of Satan behind. The elevator door opened to reveal Nighthawk and Hellcat standing in the hall.

“Hey guys, what’s up?” Hellcat asked.

To be continued



it's a good story
 

Iceshadow

Well-Known Member
Joined
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Houston,Texas
Yes, he did. And so should you and everyone else who responds to it!

(or doesn't, as the case me be)

And not just in this thread, but everywhere on every site and every bathroom stall!

You should whore this story out more if you want more reviews, I'll even help.

Does it really matter? No worries about it.

Sorry I didn't mean to come off as an ***.
 

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