Ultimate Houde

UC's Resident Genetic Recombinator
Apr 14, 2005
Houde's Chili Dog Shack
It was a sunny Saturday morning, still cold, so my house, with it's superb thermodynamics, is an ice box, and yet the furnace still refuses to go on. So, mornings like these, I wait until my bladder and my stomach double team on me, and force my to leave my warm bed. Those, plus the turtle making a racket, get me up in the morning.

As I rub the sandman out of my eyes, I hear the talltell sign someone had driven into my driveway, a horn.

Not a simply one toot, no, the prolonged, I'm going to hold the horn down for a few long seconds, and then end it with a few hits on the horn, so the neighborhood will gang up on me and kick my *** for having someone wake them all up. I struggled with awkward morning coordination to get to my bathroom, and maybe the guy will see no one is up.

Hey, it worked for Halloween.

The friend gets to the door first, and knocks on the door, in the stupid shave and a haircut them, leaving out the two bits. I struggle to the door, eyes shut tight against the light.

"What?" Never have I said a word with that much venom in it. Too bad in my semi-awake state, the word sounded more like a mumble.

"Hey buddy? What's up?" says my friend, with happiness. He goes to go inside, but I don't move.

"What?" I repeat, my sleepy vocal cords working again. About this time my bladder is screaming in fury at me.

"Nothing much with me," says my friend, obviously running on auto pilot. "Gonna let me in?"

"No." I say, and leave it at that. I swing my door close, and turn around. First mistake, I never locked it.

The door opens up behind me, and to my geniune surprise, my stupid friend comes inside the house. Now, I never said he was stupid before, but this one action has placed him in the stupid colunm for a lifetime. My surlyness is at it's height when I first wake up.

"What the ****?" I say, my vocal cords had stopped working again, thinking it would be better to put all muscle control in holding back the urine threatening to overflow out of my bladder.

"Nice joke buddy, I almost believed you."

I point at the door, "Leave, call me later."

The friend chuckles. Forget stupid, he's gone over to suicidial. "Just want to talk buddy, so here's the skinny." With that he proceeds to launch into a ten minute long explanation. I couldn't tell you what it was about, I was concentrating on the image of his head exploding. That, and I think pee had started to leak out of my urethra.

I put up a finger, and go to the bathroom. Second mistake, now he really thought he was invited inside.

When I emerge form the bathroom, after a wonderfully long piss, my friend was feeding my turtle.

There's something about turtles, they will eat as much as you put into the tank. The friend is gleefully adding almost my entire container of food into the aquarium. Since my muscles weren't worried about the piss anymore, they were under my control. My hands fly out and grab the bottle of food. The formerly full bottle was now half empty.

"What is wrong with you?"

"Nothing man, relax, he just kept eating the food."

"Of course he did, they do that in the wild, you dumb ****." I say to my suicidal friend. Scratch the friend, he's drop to an acquaintance. "What the hell is the godamn reason you are here?"

"Well, I wanted to talk."

I reach over and grab the phone, fury in my eyes, "This is a goddamned telephone. You pick it up and call me."

"But, your not going to answer this early in the morning?" says the suicidal acquaintance.

"No ****ing ****, because normal people are asleep this time in the morning. You leave a message, and I'll get back to you suicidal ****er. Now leave."

The acquaintance looks grim, and shuffles his feet to the door. He opens it and goes to leave, and at the last second he turns around and smiles. "Dude you almost had me fooled."

He's lucky the only thing in my hand was a bottle of turtle food. It struck him right bewteen the eyes, and caused enough confusion on his face for me to shove him the rest of the way out of the door, and I shut it behind him. I locked it, and went back to bed.

The moral of the story, never show up to Houde's house uninvited, you'll never know what I'm going to hit you with.

The turtle is aerodynamic afterall.

If I post my random stuff in the Lounge instead of Fanfic and Art, will more people read it?
What's funny about this was it was reality, I didn't write up a fiction story or anything, hence why it was in the lounge.

But oh well, it works as a short story too I guess.

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