Cavemen vs Astronauts

If Cavemen and Astronauts Got Into A Fight, Who Would Win?


  • Total voters
    21

Bass

Nexus of the World
This is what we're talking about.

(Transcript from above clip)
Spike: It's bollocks, Angel! It's your brand of bollocks from first to last!
Angel: You can't ever see the big picture. You can't see any picture!
Spike: I'm talking about something primal, all right? Savagery, brutal animal instinct.
Angel: And that wins out every time with you. You know, the human race has evolved, Spike!
Spike: Into a bunch of namby-pamby, self-analyzing wankers who could never hope to triumph against--
Angel: We're bigger, we're smarter, plus there's such a thing called teamwork, not to mention the superstitious terror of your "pure aggressors"!
Spike: You-just-want-it-to-be the way you-want-it-to-be.
Angel: IT'S NOT ABOUT WHAT I WANT!
[Wesley enters]
Wesley: Sorry. Is this something we should all be discussing?
Angel: No.
Wesley: It just...sounds a little serious.
Angel: It was mostly...theoretical...We...
Spike: We were just working out... Look, if cavemen and astronauts got into a fight, who would win?
Wesley: .....Ah. You've been yelling at each other for forty minutes about this?
Wesley: [thinks for a moment] Do the astronaunts have weapons?
Spike and Angel: No.

So...

Cavemen versus Astronauts.

Who wins?

I think the astronauts win. This discussion reminds me too much of that episode of Star Trek, "The Arena", where James T Kirk fights the Gorn captain.
 

McCheese

Well-Known Member
Caveman. No question.

The astronaut would be too busy planning a cross-country, diaper-wearing roadtrip to take down their romantic rivals to focus on the fight at hand.

Meanwhile all the Caveman is thinking about is cracking open the Astronauts skull and eating his brains with a primitive spoon made out of a mammoth bone.

Besides the Astronauts may be in peak physical shape, but Cavemen live in a world where they have to fend off sabetooths with nothing more than a sharpened stick. Which one do you think has more of a killer instinct?
 
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McCheese

Well-Known Member
Astronauts. It's about brain over brawn.
Brain only beats brawn because of an intelligent creature's ability to create weapons and those have been forbidden by the rules.

Don't believe me? Go pick a fight with a gorilla and then use your brain power to kick its ***. Let me know how that works out for you.
 

Joe Kalicki

Well-Known Member
Bass brings up a good point about Kirk vs. Gorn though. By all accounts the Gorn should've ripped him apart. But Kirk was able to use his superior intellect to drop a rock on him.
 

ProjectX2

Don't expect me to take you with me when I go to s
Are we talking pre-historic times or are they in space? Do the astronauts have space suits on? Have the cavemen invented fire yet?
 

McCheese

Well-Known Member
Bass brings up a good point about Kirk vs. Gorn though. By all accounts the Gorn should've ripped him apart. But Kirk was able to use his superior intellect to drop a rock on him.
Listen, I'm usually the last person who would argue against a Shatner-centric argument, but Shatner or no, this one has to go to the Cavemen. How many times has the average astronaut fought for their life in unarmed combat. Maybe once or twice if he was really unlucky. The Caveman calls that Thursday (or whatever the Caveman equivilent grunt would be). He's been fighting other Cavemen and all types of wild beasts his whole life just to survive. Experience alone has to swing this the Caveman's way.
 

E

Moderator
Excelsior Club
Brain only beats brawn because of an intelligent creature's ability to create weapons and those have been forbidden by the rules.

Don't believe me? Go pick a fight with a gorilla and then use your brain power to kick its ***. Let me know how that works out for you.

I missed the "no weapons" part.

Although it really doesn't make much sense to take away the astronaut's strength just because the caveman doesn't have the same strength. Yeah, the caveman would probably win in hand-to-hand combat, and yeah, a gorilla would probably win against me in hand-to-hand combat.

But why shouldn't I be able to shoot it with a gun just because he's too dumb to know how to use one?
 

McCheese

Well-Known Member
I missed the "no weapons" part.

Although it really doesn't make much sense to take away the astronaut's strength just because the caveman doesn't have the same strength. Yeah, the caveman would probably win in hand-to-hand combat, and yeah, a gorilla would probably win against me in hand-to-hand combat.

But why shouldn't I be able to shoot it with a gun just because he's too dumb to know how to use one?
The rules of a fair fight are a strange and harsh mistress.
 

E

Moderator
Excelsior Club
The rules of a fair fight are a strange and harsh mistress.

You put me in a ring with a gorilla and take away my ability to shoot a gun in order to make it fair for the gorilla automatically makes it unfair to me.
 

Joe Kalicki

Well-Known Member
I missed the "no weapons" part.

Although it really doesn't make much sense to take away the astronaut's strength just because the caveman doesn't have the same strength. Yeah, the caveman would probably win in hand-to-hand combat, and yeah, a gorilla would probably win against me in hand-to-hand combat.

But why shouldn't I be able to shoot it with a gun just because he's too dumb to know how to use one?

I like how he won't definitively concede this point.
 

McCheese

Well-Known Member
You put me in a ring with a gorilla and take away my ability to shoot a gun in order to make it fair for the gorilla automatically makes it unfair to me.
True. Probably shouldn't pick a fight with a gorilla then.

*scratches "get into fist fight with Gorilla" off list of things to do before I die*
 

Hellsbuttmonkey

Well-Known Member
I concur with the majority. Cavemen win. Ug would cave in the skull of Spaceman Ted without breaking a sweat in a straight unarmed battle.
 

Bass

Nexus of the World
Bass brings up a good point about Kirk vs. Gorn though. By all accounts the Gorn should've ripped him apart. But Kirk was able to use his superior intellect to drop a rock on him.

:lol:

I missed the "no weapons" part.

Although it really doesn't make much sense to take away the astronaut's strength just because the caveman doesn't have the same strength. Yeah, the caveman would probably win in hand-to-hand combat, and yeah, a gorilla would probably win against me in hand-to-hand combat.

But why shouldn't I be able to shoot it with a gun just because he's too dumb to know how to use one?

I like how you say a gorilla would probably beat you in hand-to-hand combat. :wink:

The way I see it, "no weapons" could mean that they don't have modern day weapons, they're stranded with the cavemen.

However, even without weapons, I think the astronauts win.

While the caveman would be more used to fighting, and they'd have a somewhat pack mentality, the astronauts would have first of all, a high threshold of pain due to all the training for space travel. They'd have teamwork and know each other very well from the time spent training. All that training means that as a unit they will fare better than the cavemen, despite being in a situation less favourable. Plus, there are ways to defeat the cavemen that don't involve weapons. For example, using their superior knowledge of 'how things work', the astronauts could easily poison their drinking supply by defecating it (why am I saying this?). Or, if one astronaut is female, they could have easy bait for the rambunctious cavemen and get them to fight themselves. They could make non-lethal weapons such as small gunpowder deposits to scare the **** out of the cavemen. The caveman has his primal rage and his club and his ability to survive harsh environments, but a pack of cavemen won't be able to stop a functioning team of astronauts. The best strategy for the cavemen would be to use their ferocity to truly overwhelm the astronauts morale, but these are astronauts. They've trained to fly into the deep reaches of space. They won't be scared by hairy men.

The human race's chief weapon that has allowed it to dominate the planet is it's brainpower - to develop technology and language. Cavemen have less brainpower than the astronauts.

I feel the only way to solve this is to actually get some astronauts and cavemen and watch it pay-per-view.
 

compound

Well-Known Member
I feel the only way to solve this is to actually get some astronauts and cavemen and watch it pay-per-view.
Geico could sponsor the cavemen, while MTV and Lockheed-Martin would back the astronauts. That's money, i'm telling you!
 

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