Darth Series Discussion: Ultimatum

Ultimatum Part II (MAJOR SPOILERS):

Spider-Man is trying to lift a car off a man when the Hulk shows up. Iron Man brings Captain America's lifeless body to the Triskelion and gets Carol Danvers to put him put on life support. Hawkeye volunteers to help Hank Pym find his wife and says to him that nobody deserves to suffer the loss of a loved one. Back at the Baxter Building, Ben Grimm watches over Sue Storm, who has been in a coma since she saved the city. Consequently, her powers are now uncontrollable, and Ben is left hanging on for dear-life as a random fritz results in him being thrown through the building's walls by an incredible telekinetic field. Meanwhile, Doctor Doom and Zarda confront Reed Richards and ask for his help to stop Magneto. However, the only way to stop Magneto is to retrieve Nick Fury who is still in the Squadron Supreme Universe. Thor travels to the land of the dead to save Valkyrie's soul. He confronts Hela: mistress of the dead. She says to Thor that the only way to revive Valkyrie is to destroy Hela's army of fallen warriors. Amidst in the conflict, Captain America joins in the fray, implying that he died in the Triskelion. Hawkeye with Hank Pym notices something on a flooded New York street. Hawkeye tells Hank to lower him to the ground. He runs to investigate and is horrified to find the Blob to be eating the remains of the Wasp. Meanwhile at Xavier's Institute for Gifted Children, Magneto confronts Professor X. Magneto tells him that his children's death 'mereley opened my eyes', stating that man has been in the constant decline spreading disease, war, ecological ruin, and famine. Magneto then says that 'What God didn't like what he created he washed it all away in Forty Days, and Forty Nights. I will do it in three'. Xavier then tells him that Magneto is not God and that when Magneto is captured or killed, that he will only be remembered as a mad man, like Pol Pot, Osama bin Laden, and Adolf Hitler. Angry at these statements, Magneto snaps his neck.

**** life and every thing that breathes it. God damnit.
 
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Y'know, I was reading Millar's Ultimate X-Men run and noted a couple of things.

In the first issue, it states that recently Washington was blown up by a bomb set by the Brotherhood. This of course is Detonator, whom we learn about in #26. Really liked that. Subtle.

Which makes me notice just how subtle Millar was in UXM. Millar is not a subtle man in his writing. Yet there are subtleties all across his first Ultimate works. And Loeb... geez. He has none.

Another thing I noted was that Cyclops calls Magneto Adolf Hitler in The Tomorrow People in #4 (or thereabouts). Right to his face. Magneto just brushes it off saying "Hitler was one of theirs". Yet, in Loeb's hands, Magneto will kill Xavier for the suggestion.

And then there was this whole element that Magneto and Xavier were not just rivals. There was more to it than that. I don't mean 'they used to be friends'. Remember how Xavier was kinda off-putting in a, "He could be controlling people's minds" way? Everyone was kinda scared of this guy because he's so powerful. There was an element of "Xavier is more dangerous than Magneto". Remember in the last part of Return of the King where they're in the cell and Magneto accidentally blurts out Xavier's plans and Xavier wipes everyone's memories of it? Xavier's plan, according to Magneto, is to somehow take over the Presidency by subtle, insidious means. Was Xavier not against mutant supremacy, but rather, he just wanted the revolution to be bloodless?

Oh, wait. I mean, Xavier is good, Magneto is evil, and OMG HE SNAPPED HIS NECKZ0RS!!!!1!!!
 
Re: Ultimatum series discussion [spoilers]

Yeah, I understand that you (Goodwill) are looking for a concise review but if someone read it and absolutely hates it they aren't likely to take time to type out a thoughtful review.

Oh E, ye of little faith!

That's right. I have returned to UC after a short hiatus which included a short sabbatical. Happy Holidays, New Year's Eve, New Year, MLK day and Inauguration day to you all. I had a great Christmas, followed by an ok New Year (had to work) but then I had an amazing trip to Vegas where I ate lavish meals, got into some of the best clubs in town and came home $5000 richer (thank you, Arizona Cardinals!).

Needless to say, I had a lot of catching up to do. In fact, I've still got a lot of catching up to do BUT guess what? I have caught up with Ultimatum issue 2 thanks to the wonder of the internets (as I've said before, I am flat-out refusing to buy this garbage) and boyoboy, do I have one hell of a review for you all!

Where do we start? Why, we start out with Loeb's attempt at recreating the oh-so-youthful banter we are used to seeing from Brian Michael Bendis' Ultimate Spider-Man. FAIL. Bendis has that stuff tacked down from years of practice, also from years of being a 15-year-old boy (and sometimes girl) trapped in a 40-something's body. Ol' Webhead is grumbling and mumbling about how he's supposed to save all these jacked up people around him, and how it's all that "dirtbag" Magneto's fault. Note to Loeb: knowing kids today, I think he probably would've at least called Magneto a douchebag, though considering that Magneto just kicked sand in the whole world's face, he probably would've gone for the much more appropriate dickbag. C'mon Loeb, this is no time for political correctness and "aw gee shucks" kiddy hijinks from Peter Parker... plus you've got THE BLOB EATING THE WASP'S INNARDS later on in the book. (Belated Spoiler Alert! Whoops, sorry!) You think people are going to be any more confused or offended because Spider-Man uses a bad word? I think not. Dickbag!

Anyhoo, Spidey tries to solicit a little help from some Giant-Men, but for some reason, even though Pym and SHIELD can develop a formula that allows human beings to grow to such proportions, they haven't figured out a way to help them hear us regular-sized people. Guess they had to cut costs somewhere, what with all the helicarriers, the Triskelion's electric bill and other stuff (advanced military technologies, skintight tac-suits for Carol Danvers and her gigantic boobs, IKEA brand supervillain prison units). So who comes to help out Spider-Man? None other than the man-monster who killed his parents (shhh don't tell Pete!), Dr. Bruce Banner, also known as THE INCREDIBLE HULK! As written by Jeph Loeb, I must say that the Hulk is at his most retardedest. I'm not just talking about this Hulk, Ultimate Hulk. I mean The Hulk _period_ when Loeb writes him. I swear to Jeebus Loeb sits down before writing any Hulk dialogue and watches a marathon of retard movies and tv shows. I Am Sam, Forrest Gump, Sling Blade, Life Goes On, The Other Sister and so forth, then reads the front cover to David Sedaris' Me Talk Pretty One Day over and over and over again. Then he jumps up like "okreadygo" and writes Hulk gems like "Hulk help Spider-Man". There's your intro sequence. Took me two paragraphs to explain it, took me about two seconds to read through it and start yawning.

Cut away to the Triskelion, where Iron Man busts through the windows (and the folks who sign the checks for SHIELD collectively sigh "Dammit we just got that window fixed!") with an incapacitated Captain America and starts freaking out. "ZOMG! CAP IS HURT! MEDIC! MEDIIII--- oh damn, Carol Danvers! You just get a boob job? Say, let's go have a drink and talk about your future with Stark Enterprises. This SHIELD crap, it's so last year." Carol just stands there with her giant chest torpedoes and two other really ridiculously big guns she's somehow able to swing around with one hand each. Cap wakes up from his sorta-coma and says "What's her name tag say, just let me get a closer look. Schwing."

Not really, but that would've made this book worth buying.

I thought Robert Downey Jr. played a great Iron Man, but for some reason, Loeb channels Clooney in his ER days with the next bit of Dialogue, "You hang in there, Steve. You hear me? DON'T DIE ON ME! DON'T YOU...DARE...DIE...ON ME! IT NEVER...GETS...ANY...EASIER!"

Now, the next few pages are just too boring to really mention. They bust out the shock paddles for Cap, who despite being frozen in the Arctic Ocean (or was it the North Atlantic?) can't take a little water in his lungs right now. Blah blah blah, yawn yawn yawn.

Next up: Hawkeye and Yellowgiant. Ant-jacket. Yellow-Man. Yellowjacket AHA THAT'S IT! Something happens and Henry Yellowpym grabs Clint and they have a man-to-man, heart-to-heart that involves some teeth clenching and then the realization that the one thing they have in common is the love of their wives, even though Clint's is dead and Hank once tried to kill his with a swarm of ants after he smacked her around like his name was Ike Turner and Tina just told him she was going solo.

Moving right along, the Thing and Sue Storm. Yawn! Reed Richards and Namor fighting over a woman, IMAGINE THAT! Yawn! Doctor Doom somehow back from the Zombieverse and hooking it up with Zarda, the Power Princess... or Princess Power. She's looking... far less impressive than when Gary Frank drew her. Her arrogance is out of place when she looks like a late-teenaged Psylocke. Reed gives Doctor Doom the ol' what for and talks about what a douche Namor is, even though he really didn't do nothin', which despite being a super-genius, Reed can't seem to figure out. They talk science, or at least Loeb's version of science. Y-A-H-A-W-NNNNNN.

Onto Thor. Now, if Mark Millar was writing this, everyone would be pumped at this point. Instead, I thought about taking a nap. Thor said thee nay or something and almost shed a tear over a dead-ish Valkyrie but then Hela shows up looking like Hela from 616 had a quick costume change just in time to make a cameo in the Ultimate Universe. Something about bringing Valkyrie back at a price after Thor fought some dead guys. Y'mean to tell me that fighting the dead guys isn't the damned price? What a beotch. So Thor, being back to his old 616ish self in the Ultimate Universe, says something like "Verily!" and away he goes, hacking away at bone-bags until GUESS WHO shows up!?!?

CAPTAIN FREAKIN' AMERICA! YEAHHH! LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT, BABY! PUT ON THE TOBY KEITH CD AND GRAB A LARGE ORDER OF FREEDOM FRIES BECAUSE IT'S TIME TO LET THE EAGLE SOAR! (If only Jim Ross wrote Marvel Comics!) But yeah, it's Captain America. About five or six pages ago they had to break out the shock paddles and still weren't getting any vitals, his uniform was torn to hell and his future looked grim. Apparently, in the time that those five or six pages represented, they brought him back from the dead, gave him a shower and a fresh change of clothes and he felt just fine to get back into the thick of battle with Thor versus every Viking who ever died.

And this scene gives us the most telling line of the entire mini series. This gem of wisdom sums up Ultimatum in full:

THOR: Captain! Here? How is it possible?
CAP: I DON'T KNOW. WE'LL FIGURE THAT OUT WHEN THIS IS OVER...!

I figured you out, Jeph Loeb! You have absolutely NO CLUE where this train is headed, but after it's gone completely off the tracks and blows to bits as it collides with a fuel truck, you're going to sift through the rubble and FIGURE IT OUT! OK OK OK OK! NOW I GET IT! STORY'S OVER! BRING MILLAR BACK IN! Whew. Talk about art imitating life.

I would normally end the review there. I thought that might just be the last thing I needed to read of this issue and this entire series. MAAAAAAN was I wrong. I already mentioned it, but two pages later, Clint "Hawkeye" Barton finds Mr. Fred J. Dukes aka The Blob chowing down on Janet Pym Intestines Tartare. WHAAAAT? Loeb, have you been reading Crossed by Garth Ennis lately? Blob might be a disgusting pig but really... now he's a cannibal? This happened when? Nobody got the memo.

Really... I just... I have absolutely nothing to say here. I've tried to think of something witty or clever to say but... it's no use. The Blob is eating Janet's guts. Oh, and he says "Tastes like chicken". Thanks, Jeph, for another cliche. You're redeeming yourself with every turn. I wish you'd just go help Rob Liefeld with whatever it is he's doing these days. Ugh.

For the finale... Xavier and Magneto have their little showdown. Then, Magneto snaps Charles' neck and says some super-villainy crap. To Be Continued. Roll Credits.

To sum it up: IT SUCKS. There's your thoughtful review from someone who really hates it. Good to be back. Now I'm going to read something that doesn't make me hate that I read comic books... see you later.

UPDATE Not really an update, but my prediction for how this will all end: Scarlet Witch isn't dead and we're left with Ultimate Reverse House of M. Wanda restores everything back to the way it was. Millar steps back into the fold and everyone just kind of pretends Jeph Loeb never wrote an Ultimate book.

...and they all lived happily ever after. Except Loeb, who should be demoted down to writing Spider-Ham after this is all said and done.
 
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Re: Ultimatum series discussion [spoilers]

UPDATE Not really an update, but my prediction for how this will all end: Scarlet Witch isn't dead and we're left with Ultimate Reverse House of M. Wanda restores everything back to the way it was. Millar steps back into the fold and everyone just kind of pretends Jeph Loeb never wrote an Ultimate book.

This. A thousand times this. This **** better be what happens.
 
Re: Ultimatum series discussion [spoilers]

So again I will ask, is like a retarded version of Crisis on Infinite Earths?
 
I'm so ashamed of myself for trying to find an explanation for why Blob is a cannibal. I know that the explanation is "Loeb is a hack", but I can't help but try to rationalize it.

Also, I was watching this show called Food Detectives and they talked about why so many foods taste like chicken, and human intestines wouldn't taste like shut up brain!
 
Re: Ultimatum series discussion [spoilers]

Oh E, ye of little faith!

That's right. I have returned to UC after a short hiatus which included a short sabbatical. Happy Holidays, New Year's Eve, New Year, MLK day and Inauguration day to you all. I had a great Christmas, followed by an ok New Year (had to work) but then I had an amazing trip to Vegas where I ate lavish meals, got into some of the best clubs in town and came home $5000 richer (thank you, Arizona Cardinals!).

Needless to say, I had a lot of catching up to do. In fact, I've still got a lot of catching up to do BUT guess what? I have caught up with Ultimatum issue 2 thanks to the wonder of the internets (as I've said before, I am flat-out refusing to buy this garbage) and boyoboy, do I have one hell of a review for you all!

Where do we start? Why, we start out with Loeb's attempt at recreating the oh-so-youthful banter we are used to seeing from Brian Michael Bendis' Ultimate Spider-Man. FAIL. Bendis has that stuff tacked down from years of practice, also from years of being a 15-year-old boy (and sometimes girl) trapped in a 40-something's body. Ol' Webhead is grumbling and mumbling about how he's supposed to save all these jacked up people around him, and how it's all that "dirtbag" Magneto's fault. Note to Loeb: knowing kids today, I think he probably would've at least called Magneto a douchebag, though considering that Magneto just kicked sand in the whole world's face, he probably would've gone for the much more appropriate dickbag. C'mon Loeb, this is no time for political correctness and "aw gee shucks" kiddy hijinks from Peter Parker... plus you've got THE BLOB EATING THE WASP'S INNARDS later on in the book. (Belated Spoiler Alert! Whoops, sorry!) You think people are going to be any more confused or offended because Spider-Man uses a bad word? I think not. Dickbag!

Anyhoo, Spidey tries to solicit a little help from some Giant-Men, but for some reason, even though Pym and SHIELD can develop a formula that allows human beings to grow to such proportions, they haven't figured out a way to help them hear us regular-sized people. Guess they had to cut costs somewhere, what with all the helicarriers, the Triskelion's electric bill and other stuff (advanced military technologies, skintight tac-suits for Carol Danvers and her gigantic boobs, IKEA brand supervillain prison units). So who comes to help out Spider-Man? None other than the man-monster who killed his parents (shhh don't tell Pete!), Dr. Bruce Banner, also known as THE INCREDIBLE HULK! As written by Jeph Loeb, I must say that the Hulk is at his most retardedest. I'm not just talking about this Hulk, Ultimate Hulk. I mean The Hulk _period_ when Loeb writes him. I swear to Jeebus Loeb sits down before writing any Hulk dialogue and watches a marathon of retard movies and tv shows. I Am Sam, Forrest Gump, Sling Blade, Life Goes On, The Other Sister and so forth, then reads the front cover to David Sedaris' Me Talk Pretty One Day over and over and over again. Then he jumps up like "okreadygo" and writes Hulk gems like "Hulk help Spider-Man". There's your intro sequence. Took me two paragraphs to explain it, took me about two seconds to read through it and start yawning.

Cut away to the Triskelion, where Iron Man busts through the windows (and the folks who sign the checks for SHIELD collectively sigh "Dammit we just got that window fixed!") with an incapacitated Captain America and starts freaking out. "ZOMG! CAP IS HURT! MEDIC! MEDIIII--- oh damn, Carol Danvers! You just get a boob job? Say, let's go have a drink and talk about your future with Stark Enterprises. This SHIELD crap, it's so last year." Carol just stands there with her giant chest torpedoes and two other really ridiculously big guns she's somehow able to swing around with one hand each. Cap wakes up from his sorta-coma and says "What's her name tag say, just let me get a closer look. Schwing."

Not really, but that would've made this book worth buying.

I thought Robert Downey Jr. played a great Iron Man, but for some reason, Loeb channels Clooney in his ER days with the next bit of Dialogue, "You hang in there, Steve. You hear me? DON'T DIE ON ME! DON'T YOU...DARE...DIE...ON ME! IT NEVER...GETS...ANY...EASIER!"

Now, the next few pages are just too boring to really mention. They bust out the shock paddles for Cap, who despite being frozen in the Arctic Ocean (or was it the North Atlantic?) can't take a little water in his lungs right now. Blah blah blah, yawn yawn yawn.

Next up: Hawkeye and Yellowgiant. Ant-jacket. Yellow-Man. Yellowjacket AHA THAT'S IT! Something happens and Henry Yellowpym grabs Clint and they have a man-to-man, heart-to-heart that involves some teeth clenching and then the realization that the one thing they have in common is the love of their wives, even though Clint's is dead and Hank once tried to kill his with a swarm of ants after he smacked her around like his name was Ike Turner and Tina just told him she was going solo.

Moving right along, the Thing and Sue Storm. Yawn! Reed Richards and Namor fighting over a woman, IMAGINE THAT! Yawn! Doctor Doom somehow back from the Zombieverse and hooking it up with Zarda, the Power Princess... or Princess Power. She's looking... far less impressive than when Gary Frank drew her. Her arrogance is out of place when she looks like a late-teenaged Psylocke. Reed gives Doctor Doom the ol' what for and talks about what a douche Namor is, even though he really didn't do nothin', which despite being a super-genius, Reed can't seem to figure out. They talk science, or at least Loeb's version of science. Y-A-H-A-W-NNNNNN.

Onto Thor. Now, if Mark Millar was writing this, everyone would be pumped at this point. Instead, I thought about taking a nap. Thor said thee nay or something and almost shed a tear over a dead-ish Valkyrie but then Hela shows up looking like Hela from 616 had a quick costume change just in time to make a cameo in the Ultimate Universe. Something about bringing Valkyrie back at a price after Thor fought some dead guys. Y'mean to tell me that fighting the dead guys isn't the damned price? What a beotch. So Thor, being back to his old 616ish self in the Ultimate Universe, says something like "Verily!" and away he goes, hacking away at bone-bags until GUESS WHO shows up!?!?

CAPTAIN FREAKIN' AMERICA! YEAHHH! LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT, BABY! PUT ON THE TOBY KEITH CD AND GRAB A LARGE ORDER OF FREEDOM FRIES BECAUSE IT'S TIME TO LET THE EAGLE SOAR! (If only Jim Ross wrote Marvel Comics!) But yeah, it's Captain America. About five or six pages ago they had to break out the shock paddles and still weren't getting any vitals, his uniform was torn to hell and his future looked grim. Apparently, in the time that those five or six pages represented, they brought him back from the dead, gave him a shower and a fresh change of clothes and he felt just fine to get back into the thick of battle with Thor versus every Viking who ever died.

And this scene gives us the most telling line of the entire mini series. This gem of wisdom sums up Ultimatum in full:

THOR: Captain! Here? How is it possible?
CAP: I DON'T KNOW. WE'LL FIGURE THAT OUT WHEN THIS IS OVER...!

I figured you out, Jeph Loeb! You have absolutely NO CLUE where this train is headed, but after it's gone completely off the tracks and blows to bits as it collides with a fuel truck, you're going to sift through the rubble and FIGURE IT OUT! OK OK OK OK! NOW I GET IT! STORY'S OVER! BRING MILLAR BACK IN! Whew. Talk about art imitating life.

I would normally end the review there. I thought that might just be the last thing I needed to read of this issue and this entire series. MAAAAAAN was I wrong. I already mentioned it, but two pages later, Clint "Hawkeye" Barton finds Mr. Fred J. Dukes aka The Blob chowing down on Janet Pym Intestines Tartare. WHAAAAT? Loeb, have you been reading Crossed by Garth Ennis lately? Blob might be a disgusting pig but really... now he's a cannibal? This happened when? Nobody got the memo.

Really... I just... I have absolutely nothing to say here. I've tried to think of something witty or clever to say but... it's no use. The Blob is eating Janet's guts. Oh, and he says "Tastes like chicken". Thanks, Jeph, for another cliche. You're redeeming yourself with every turn. I wish you'd just go help Rob Liefeld with whatever it is he's doing these days. Ugh.

For the finale... Xavier and Magneto have their little showdown. Then, Magneto snaps Charles' neck and says some super-villainy crap. To Be Continued. Roll Credits.

To sum it up: IT SUCKS. There's your thoughtful review from someone who really hates it. Good to be back. Now I'm going to read something that doesn't make me hate that I read comic books... see you later.

UPDATE Not really an update, but my prediction for how this will all end: Scarlet Witch isn't dead and we're left with Ultimate Reverse House of M. Wanda restores everything back to the way it was. Millar steps back into the fold and everyone just kind of pretends Jeph Loeb never wrote an Ultimate book.

...and they all lived happily ever after. Except Loeb, who should be demoted down to writing Spider-Ham after this is all said and done.

Brilliant. Some of this was fantastic, especially the idea that Loeb has his own science.

However, you made a mistake: Cap is in the land of the dead because he's dead.

Also, I think Loeb won't write Spider-Ham. I think it will be like Bush and Obama. Loeb has so royally screwed the Ultimate Universe we'll get someone completely out of left field to fix it like Bryan Lee O'Malley.
 
okay guys... i hated it just as much as you and possibly more, but it think it had been implied that Blob might be a canibal before this. IIRC it was either during ultimate war or when the x-men were caught by weapon x...

Also, that shot of carol danves might have been the most out of place pin up i've ever seen in any comic. She has two huge guns and she isnt using them or anything. She's just hanging out in the lobby of the Triskelion coordinating shield cleaning up the city (because damage control is evil now:cry::cry::cry::cry::cry:). Why the hell does she carry all those guns? Just put a couple down you dumb broad! You'll be more efficient that way!!

Also, valkyrie is dead. Wow. So a 2d character get killed off before she even got her backstory and we're supposed to care? Please tell me they'll jsut give up next issue and leave her in hell or puragtory or whereever she is.
 
"Umbrella Academy, on Dark Horse Comics is a great read - Its quirky, and requires a few readings to pick up all the nuggets, but very rewarding. It follows a 'team' of seven 'super' characters, mostly along two timelines - as kids and adults. Some major changes have taken place between the two timelines, and we are left to try to piece together what must have happened between the two....."


Sorry - I thought it would be funny to find every Ultimatum thread on the internet, and start talking about a far superior indy comic, with no explanation... I might be able to turn a few Loeb 'readers' into fans of other comics instead. Surely my summary of an unrelated comic would be almost as eye-catching as the nuances and complexities of "Whatcha' need ta know" or "Hulk like sex. Pants bad." or Blob saying "Chicken-fried bowels"..or ...whatever.

Then I thought I'd just stay here and preach to the choir. :)
 
Wait...wait...



Janet's now dead in 616 AND 1610???



HAHAHAHAHA!!!
 
robje posted what I was going to but forgot to.

I'm pretty sure Millar implied Blob's cannibalism before. I was first like "WTF?" myself, but then I part of me remembered something like that.
 
I'm so ashamed of myself for trying to find an explanation for why Blob is a cannibal. I know that the explanation is "Loeb is a hack", but I can't help but try to rationalize it.

Also, I was watching this show called Food Detectives and they talked about why so many foods taste like chicken, and human intestines wouldn't taste like shut up brain!

Its just gross and vile and not needed, it wastes a character and it reeks of torture porn.
 
Since this thread is for complaining, I won't feel bad (or OVERLY whiny :) ) for doing just that -

I have been collecting the Ultimate U from pretty much the beginning -

I have the good ( post clone-saga USM, early UFF, Millar UFF,
early UXM, Ultimate Vision)

I have the great (Ultimates 1, Ultimates 2, BKV UXM, early USM up to Gwen's death, Ultimate Human

I have the mediocre (Ultimate War, Ultimate six, most of the rest of UXM, most of the rest of UFF, most of the rest of USM, Ultimate Origins, Ultimate DD, Ultimate Elektra, Ultimate Galactus trilogy)

I have the awful (Ultimate Iron Man 1 and 2, Ultimate Power, most of U3)

Like many collectors, I keep hanging on when titles go sour in the hopes of regaining past glory.

Ultimatum made me think it was FINALLY time to pack it in... but after ALL of this, it was Ultimate Hulk Annual that completely ended it for me. This really was the worst comic possible.

My store owner looked shocked as I cancelled every Marvel title (including all Ultimates), except Immortal Iron Fist and Captain America

instead, I picked up:

Invincible
Walking Dead
Umbrella Academy
Kull
Dead Irons

Not that anyone cares about these particulars - mostly I'm just trying to describe on a 'single collector's level' that Loeb accomplished what even Ultimate Iron Man couldn't.

Though I ripped up my Ultimate Hulk Annual in disgust, shame, and embarrassment, I might print a copy of the cover off of the net and tape it to my comic collection, the way a heavier person might use a picture of themselves on the fridge - as motivation for what I want to change. It will induce a vomity feeling, and be a reminder to drop a book when it becomes awful.

Some good has come from Loeb - by setting a new industry low, I doubt - even by default - that I will ever be this disappointed in comics again. Next time I would rather chew $4 worth of tin foil, $0.10 at a time.


PS - Thank you for starting this thread - This was exactly what I needed, and - I think - the place I needed to say it.

I didn't read Ultimate Hulk Annual but I'd really like to know more about it, because lately I really kind of enjoy the feeling I get when I read a Loeb book. I hate them but I'm the type of guy who likes watching trainwrecks. If it is truly as horrible as you say (and I'm sure it is) then I would like to give it a look.

I'm not going to buy it, but I'd like to read it. ANGER IS CLEANSING!

UPDATE OK, I read it. What has been seen cannot be unseen. You are correct, sir. This is the worst thing I've ever seen. Wow. Even Ultimatum is good in comparison.

Bass said:
However, you made a mistake: Cap is in the land of the dead because he's dead.

No Bass, that's not how it works. Your intentions are sound but the proof is in the pudding, and your pudding recipe sucks. First of all, Steve Rogers is not a Viking. He's probably a Methodist, so I don't think he'd just be hanging around in the Land of the Viking Dead. Plus, if you die and you go to the Land of the Viking Dead, then you work for Hela at that point. You don't get to say "Nuh-uh, beotch! I ain't working for you anymore. My boy Thor is in the house and we're about to get all Ragnarokish up on that ***." There are no choices for a zombie soldier. I COULD BE WRONG THOUGH. (Not likely.) Maybe in the processing center for the recently deceased, there was a routing error and instead of being sent off to "Land of the Methodist 85-year-old-man-in-a-30-year-old-man's body Dead" he was sent to Land of the Viking Dead... but see, Loeb's not that creative. Cap is there for no reason other than to make the people who actually enjoy this book say "AWESOME!" because Cap and Thor are kicking *** together. Sadly, the people who actually enjoy this book are either people with an IQ of less than 60 or 8-year-olds.

8-year-olds, dude.

robje said:
Also, that shot of carol danves might have been the most out of place pin up i've ever seen in any comic. She has two huge guns and she isnt using them or anything. She's just hanging out in the lobby of the Triskelion coordinating shield cleaning up the city (because damage control is evil now). Why the hell does she carry all those guns? Just put a couple down you dumb broad! You'll be more efficient that way!!

THIS! I get carrying huge freakin' guns (I mean the firearms, not the boobs) if the Liberators are attacking the Triskelion. But honestly, those guns have no real practical application during a gigantic flood. I suppose she was planning on shooting the tidal wave. Then again, it's probably because Loeb told Finch to sexy Carol Danvers up, and that big machine guns look great when paired with big boobs.

Also, why does Carol Danvers need a damn name tag on her SHIELD gear? She's the current director of SHIELD in the absence of Nick Fury, I don't think she's worried about the people who work for her not knowing who the **** she is.

DANVERS: Agent McGillicuddy, go get me a cup of coffee.
McGILLICUDDY: Excuse me, who are you?
DANVERS: Oh, I'm sorry, I guess you didn't see my name tag because it's sitting on top of my giant breast! I'm Carol Danvers, your boss!
McGILLICUDDY: Guess I didn't get the memo. Go get your own coffee, *****!

I don't think so.
 
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No Bass, that's not how it works. Your intentions are sound but the proof is in the pudding, and your pudding recipe sucks. First of all, Steve Rogers is not a Viking. He's probably a Methodist, so I don't think he'd just be hanging around in the Land of the Viking Dead. Plus, if you die and you go to the Land of the Viking Dead, then you work for Hela at that point. You don't get to say "Nuh-uh, beotch! I ain't working for you anymore. My boy Thor is in the house and we're about to get all Ragnarokish up on that ***." There are no choices for a zombie soldier. I COULD BE WRONG THOUGH. (Not likely.) Maybe in the processing center for the recently deceased, there was a routing error and instead of being sent off to "Land of the Methodist 85-year-old-man-in-a-30-year-old-man's body Dead" he was sent to Land of the Viking Dead... but see, Loeb's not that creative. Cap is there for no reason other than to make the people who actually enjoy this book say "AWESOME!" because Cap and Thor are kicking *** together. Sadly, the people who actually enjoy this book are either people with an IQ of less than 60 or 8-year-olds.

No no no. See, you're thinking it through too much. Loeb doesn't do this. He's in the land of the dead because he's dead.

And my pudding is awesome.
 
robje posted what I was going to but forgot to.

I'm pretty sure Millar implied Blob's cannibalism before. I was first like "WTF?" myself, but then I part of me remembered something like that.

All I know about Blob in Millar's run was he really believes in the Brotherhood's cause and he was able to make good intellectual arguments with Beast during their chat while he was pretending to be a supermodel. Even Bendis added another layer to him by having Liz Allan be his daughter who he appears to care for. For Loeb, Blob thinks intestines taste like chicken. The only thing he saw in Blob was he loves to eat, so why not make him a cannibal?

As we all know, Loeb loves caricatures and his characterizations suck. Maybe if he was making a parody of the Ultimates in MAD Magazine then I wouldn't find it bad.

Still Blob is nothing compared to Thor. I miss old Ultimate Thor. He used to be a hippie who gave a damn about the world and had genuine principles whether skewed it may be. Now, all he cares now is banging some air-headed, one-dimensional chick who just happen to have superpowers. You don't even know why she deserved them and why some stupid divine force chose her out of all the women in the world. Even a doofus like Johnny Storm is smart enough to avoid (or at least try to) women like that.
 
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