Detectives

AUNT SELMA HAS ONE HOUR TO LIVE!​

Couldn't resist. :D

Also, I love this thread. You guys are doing great!
 
Iceshadow said:
Bigby Wolf, Mowgli, or Detective Chimp.
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Bass said:
I'm disappointed there hasn't been much in the 'reasoning' of why you'd pick your guys. I don't even know who Detective Chimp is.
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Bigby and Mowgli are the ultimate trackers, Bigby can handle anyone in a fight, and Mowgli is multi-lingual ( this is especially handy, because my murderer would probably be someone of international origin, maybe Canada). Detective Chimp has his ape abilities which almost make him overqualified for solving my murder.

Overall, I'd expect my mystery to span more than two continents, and less than five countries. There would be a foxy vixen in each exotic local, each different than the last (i.e. one white, one black, one anti-black, one caucasian etc.) all of whom are mourning my death. Slowly the proverbial sweater becomes unraveled, eventually ending in a vehicular chase (submarine I hope) and the final showdown with the villain being set on fire and taking a tumble off a cliff, landing in a pile of pillows....just kidding it was really a vat of acid. The detective goes home, receives his payment, then spends it on binge drinking. The end.
 
That's easy. I'd hire Jessica Fletcher, then kill her.

You see, whenever Jessica Fletcher visits an old friend, or goes out of town, or sets foot outside her doorstep, someone drops dead. She eventually catches the "murderer", explains the evidence, then they inexplicably confess.

Clearly, Fletcher is some kind of mutant telepath or alien being who gleefully kills thousands just to pin the crimes on her poor, brainwashed dupes. If she's in the area and I can hire her, that means she did it. ***** needs a bullet in the brainpan. Bad.
 
TwilightEL said:
That's easy. I'd hire Jessica Fletcher, then kill her.

You see, whenever Jessica Fletcher visits an old friend, or goes out of town, or sets foot outside her doorstep, someone drops dead. She eventually catches the "murderer", explains the evidence, then they inexplicably confess.

Clearly, Fletcher is some kind of mutant telepath or alien being who gleefully kills thousands just to pin the crimes on her poor, brainwashed dupes. If she's in the area and I can hire her, that means she did it. ***** needs a bullet in the brainpan. Bad.
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Be! my! woman!
 
Iceshadow said:
Bigby and Mowgli are the ultimate trackers, Bigby can handle anyone in a fight, and Mowgli is multi-lingual ( this is especially handy, because my murderer would probably be someone of international origin, maybe Canada). Detective Chimp has his ape abilities which almost make him overqualified for solving my murder.

Overall, I'd expect my mystery to span more than two continents, and less than five countries. There would be a foxy vixen in each exotic local, each different than the last (i.e. one white, one black, one anti-black, one caucasian etc.) all of whom are mourning my death. Slowly the proverbial sweater becomes unraveled, eventually ending in a vehicular chase (submarine I hope) and the final showdown with the villain being set on fire and taking a tumble off a cliff, landing in a pile of pillows....just kidding it was really a vat of acid. The detective goes home, receives his payment, then spends it on binge drinking. The end.
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... there is no finer literary masterpiece.

TwilightEL said:
That's easy. I'd hire Jessica Fletcher, then kill her.

You see, whenever Jessica Fletcher visits an old friend, or goes out of town, or sets foot outside her doorstep, someone drops dead. She eventually catches the "murderer", explains the evidence, then they inexplicably confess.

Clearly, Fletcher is some kind of mutant telepath or alien being who gleefully kills thousands just to pin the crimes on her poor, brainwashed dupes. If she's in the area and I can hire her, that means she did it. ***** needs a bullet in the brainpan. Bad.
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:lol: :lol:
 
Detective Chimp. He's better than Batman and he's a ****ing monkey. Read my story.
 
You wouldn't even have to bother with Columbo because by the time he's on the case you would have already seen the murderer commit the crime yourself.

I suppose if somebody killed my family I'd just as soon travel the world for a few years honing my own detective skills and martial arts prowess under all the greatest masters and then have my revenge after getting close to the murderer and eliminating everything important in his life one thing at a time.
 
Joe Kalicki said:
You wouldn't even have to bother with Columbo because by the time he's on the case you would have already seen the murderer commit the crime yourself.

I suppose if somebody killed my family I'd just as soon travel the world for a few years honing my own detective skills and martial arts prowess under all the greatest masters and then have my revenge after getting close to the murderer and eliminating everything important in his life one thing at a time.
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Um... I suppose now would be a bad time to tell you what happened to your cousin...

...Is it possible you didn't really like them?
 
Joe Kalicki said:
You wouldn't even have to bother with Columbo because by the time he's on the case you would have already seen the murderer commit the crime yourself.

I suppose if somebody killed my family I'd just as soon travel the world for a few years honing my own detective skills and martial arts prowess under all the greatest masters and then have my revenge after getting close to the murderer and eliminating everything important in his life one thing at a time.
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:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Why do I find this thread so damn funny?
 
Joe Kalicki said:
You wouldn't even have to bother with Columbo because by the time he's on the case you would have already seen the murderer commit the crime yourself.

I suppose if somebody killed my family I'd just as soon travel the world for a few years honing my own detective skills and martial arts prowess under all the greatest masters and then have my revenge after getting close to the murderer and eliminating everything important in his life one thing at a time.
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So instead of having a world famous detective solve your case you would do it after it went cold?
 
Bass said:
See how psychological this is?

Worry when someone picks Dirty Harry. ;)
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Dirty Harry is not a detective.

The only psychological implication of picking Dirty Harry is that the person who does so does not know what a detective is, and is therefore DUMB.
 
Elijah Snow.

'Nuff said.
 
I'd have the Narrator investigate,
Only to find out the murderer was his alter ego, TYLER DURDEN! :shock:

and THAT, friends, would be a shock ending.
 
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You know I'd like to say something witty like Angela Lansbury or Telly Savalas. But since Columbo has already been thrown out there...the joke is just too copycat.

I guess you could always go with Batman....but I don't think finding my parents' murderer ranks high on his to-do list since he's got a 2 teenage boys, a whole League to spy on, crazy supervillians trying to destroy Gotham every 3 days, and his own sexuality to deal with. So he might be busy at the moment.

Chimp Detective might be worth a shot......until he's distracted by a banana.


So I'm going with Jessica Jones. Why? Because I'm hoping that during the case she'll get real drunk and let me do shameful Luke Cage things to her. I mean why sweat finding the killer of your parents when you got a 75% chance at sleeping with a superhero?
 
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