Just Punching Those Dinosaurs--A Ultimate Marvel Parody

Grocer Man

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Just Punching Those Dinosaurs

“They say it started with a flash in the sky and ripple through the clouds. Nobody knows what caused this exactly, but some people think it might have been a punch.”
-Reed Richards of Earth-2149
The Cretaceous Era.

150 million years ago, it was home of exotic plantlife, early mammals, and, of course, dinosaurs.

And it was being visited by Benjamin J. Grimm, better known as the ever lovin’ blue-eyed Thing of the Fantastic Four. He was trekking through one of the eras’ vast jungles, holding a communicator in his massive hand. It cackled as a voice from millions of years into the future spoke from the other end.

“First of all, Ben, I want to thank you for doing this on such short notice…”

“Relax, Stretch, it’s rerun season and I’ve nothing better to do.”

“OK…” Back in his Baxter Building Lab in the year 2007, Reed Richards was looking over some equations. “In a few minutes, you should reach a clearing of some sort…there, you should find the energy collector that I set up back during the Chrono-Bandit incident. Pick it up and bring it back to the present…the primordial antimatter it’s accumulated should help with my Cosmic Cube project.”

Ben brushed aside foliage in his path as he continued his jungle trek. “Listen Reed, aren’t you worried about the whole time paradox thing? I still get nightmares about those maggot things.”

“Relax Ben, I’ve done the equations to the thirtieth decimal point. The most damage you’ll cause to the timestream, if any, is the involvement of a seventh shooter in the Kennedy Assassination.”

As Ben walked, the dense jungle soon broke into a large clearing. Ben scanned the area for the collector. “Are you sure? I don’t see anything here.”

Back in 2007 AD, Reed frowned. “That’s impossible…let me check my notes…”

Ben then heard a crunching sound. Looking down, he saw that he had stepped in a dinosaur nest…eggshells lying broken and a yolky substance covering his foot.

“Ben,” Reed said gravely, “I just realized I forgot to carry the one. Get back here right now before…”

The club-tail of the Ankylosaurus slammed into Ben, the dinosaur roaring in rage for its lost hatchlings. Although Ben was too sturdy for the impact to harm him, it did knock the communicator out of his hand, spending a few seconds in flight before breaking apart on a tree trunk.

Suddenly, several T-Rex burst out of the trees, followed by a pack of velociraptors. The clearing was soon filled with dinosaurs, ready to fight tooth and nail for some reason Ben couldn’t comprehend. One T-Rex lowered its head to Ben’s level, and roared in his face defiantly.

You had to feel sorry for him. The Tyrannosaur, that is.

“Ah, for the love of my Aunt Petunia,” said the Thing, as he readied a fighting stance, and punched the dinosaur right in the jaw.

POW!

Now, time travel is a terribly complex science. Any action the time traveler makes in the past can have a profound effect on the present and future.

So, by the time the first T-Rex hit the ground, the timeline had changed dramatically. And it kept changing for each punch Ben threw.

BAM!

“Where is she, Arcade?” snarled Wolverine. “Where’s Jeanie?”

“Oh, don’t worry Logan.” One the television screen, the madman chuckled deviously. “She’s fine…but you’ll have to play one of my games if you want to see her again.”

A spotlight turned on, revealing the insidious ‘game’ intended for Wolverine. The Canadian grimaced.

“I know you’ll never choose me over Scott,” he mumbled to himself. “But I’ll be damned if I’m going to just walk away and leave you to dry with this maniac.”

And so, Wolverine walked up to the machine, inserted a quarter, and began playing for Jean Grey’s life. A few moments later, Spider-Man walked up and looked over the X-Man’s shoulder.

“Is that Pitfall?”

Wolverine grunted.

“You suck at it.”

“Bite me.”

BLAMMO!

In the ruined building that was once the Triskelion, an important meeting was taking place.

“Alright,” said General Fury. “So the guys in the White House are angry. They’re angry because the Liberators just gave America its greatest beatdown since WW2. And they’re angry because the Ultimates just went independent, which means they can’t make a retaliatory strike. So, they’re trying to cover their collective asses by firing the man in charge at the time…me. I just want to know that the thing I’ve spent most of my life building is in good hands.”

“Do not worry, General Fury…SHIELD is now in the quite capable hands of M. Bison.”

WHAM!

In the Savage Land, Magneto looked at his new Brotherhood.

“Welcome, my brothers and sisters, to the dawning of a glorious new—“

There was a distinctive dripping sound, interrupting Magneto’s speech. Annoyed, Magneto turned to the culprit, a hulking, black and white creature with massive jaws dripping saliva, indignantly holding a coffee tray. “Edward…”

“What?” replied Edward Brock Junior, aka Venom.

“Your coffee serving duties are over. You may leave. Remember, if you serve me well, I might let you eat Captain America’s head. Might. Now go.”

As Venom left irritated, Longshot whispered in Magneto’s ear. “Magneto…why are you letting him join? He’s not a mutant, he’s a genetic abomination.”

“I told you, Longshot, I’m trying something a bit different.”

“And by different, you meant inviting everything that has a pulse?”

“More or less. Now, go to the parlor room, Foom should arrive any minute now.”

BONK!

“Attention, world,” said the UN representative of France. “As of this moment, the spelling of my nation’s name has changed. It is now called ‘Afrance’. The A is silent. Thank you.”

KA-CHING!

The Master of Magnetism was dying.

After a long period of hiding in the Savage Land, he and his new Brotherhood had attacked. But thanks to the intervention of the Ultimates, Magneto’s Brotherhood was beaten, and Magneto himself was fatally wounded by Thor.

And as the self-proclaimed mutant savior lay bleeding to death, Thor asked, “Your army is decimated, you have a few minutes of life, and Tony is at your fortress, sampling your wine. Now tell me: why would you attack the wedding of Scott and Jean? Is the Brotherhood just some rowdy band of stupid wedding crashers?”

And then Magneto laughed. “Oh Thor…how can a god be so blind?”

Lightning crackled around Mjolnir. “Talk, you wretched-“

“I know a five-year-old girl…a refugee in the Savage Land…the nightmares that haunted her dreams at night was actually her mutant ability to see into the future manifesting…and she told me…that the spawn of Summers and the Grey girl…would bring about the end of the world…”

And as Erik Lensherr made his last breaths, he wheezed out a name:

“En Sabah Nur.”

SMACK!

May Parker, after a long day at work, returned to her house in Queens, and turned on the TV.

“And now,” said the TV announcer, “we return to…”The Real World: Secret Wars.”

The camera panned over several exotic landmarks on Battleworld, before settling on a massive, alien building.

“Over at the heroes’ camp,” said the announcer, “Hulk is questioning his role in the grand scheme of things.”

“Hulk lifted a mountain range during the last challenge,” grumbled the Not-So-Jolly Green Giant, “but Blue Man keep making fun of Hulk! Blue Man not realize Hulk could rip Blue Man in half? Hulk go smash Blue Man right now!”

“And at the villains camp, the group confronts Gah Lak Tus…”

“Dang it, man!” The Wrecker was screaming at the Gah Lak Tus drone, which was perched on top of a mountain. “You’ve been lying around on that stupid-*** mountain ever since we got here! It’s time you started contributing!”

“When we return, is love in the air between Magneto and Wasp? And why has Spider-Man changed his costume?”

“I’m not emo! It’s a political statement!”

SOCK!

“Jump over the water!” yelled Spidey.

Wolverine growled as he fiddled with the Pitfall controls, brow furrowed in concentration.

“Jump over the water!”

“I’m trying!”

SOCK AGAIN!

Somewhere, deep in an underground complex, the doctor looked over the legendary marksman known as Hawkeye.

“Yes…you certainly have proved useful, Mr. Barton…and now, Branislav here would like to give you your reward…”

The scarred man grinned horribly at Hawkeye. “I have been waiting for this almost ten years, comrade. I just worry I cannot stop once I start…”

Suddenly, Branislav and the armed guards began clapping and singing, much to Hawkeye’s confusion. “1, 2, 3, 4, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to You…”

The rest of the Ultimates, including Thor and Banner, walked into the room and finished the song. “HAPPY BIRTHDAY CLINT!”

“No hard feelings about staging your family’s deaths, eh comrade?” Asked Natasha, as Clint’s wife walked in with the cake.

Clint just stared, mouth agape for a few moments before he started laughing. “Oh, you guys…now I just feel stupid for ripping out my fingernails…”

BIFF!

And then Spider-Man looked at his new chainsaw hands.

“Groovy.”

PUNCHING SOUND!

In the Baxter Building, the Thing emerged from the time machine, looking rather embarrassed. “Look, stretch…”

Reed, who had been hunched over a lab table looking at equations, threw his hands up in irritation. “Not…one…word. Do you have any idea how much damage you’ve done? The Shocker is getting the key to the city in an hour, Ben Affleck has the Uni-Power, and the only reason I remember everything is because I was looking at the equations. Now, you’ve got to go back in time, stop me from sending you back, and pray that we don’t wind up causing a Hypertime Loophole Paradox.

The Thing sighed, then turned around to re-enter the machine. “I’m sorry, Reed.”

“Yeah…you should be sorry, Petunia.”

“Oh, for the love of my nephew Ben,” complained Petunia Grimm as she stepped into the time machine.

THE END!
 

ProjectX2

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This is brilliant. :lol:

“Relax Ben, I’ve done the equations to the thirtieth decimal point. The most damage you’ll cause to the timestream, if any, is the involvement of a seventh shooter in the Kennedy Assassination.”

That is a brilliant piece of dialogue. That's something I would have expected to read in one of Millar's UFF issues.

Also, the Arcade scene reminded me of Saw. That's what Ultimate Arcade should be. Jigsaw.

I love the Ultimates 3 stuff, the random Spider-Man with chainsaw hands scene... it's really good.

Nice job.
 

Random

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“I’m not emo! It’s a political statement!”

SOCK AGAIN!

Somewhere, deep in an underground complex, the doctor looked over the legendary marksman known as Hawkeye.

“Yes…you certainly have proved useful, Mr. Barton…and now, Branislav here would like to give you your reward…”

The scarred man grinned horribly at Hawkeye. “I have been waiting for this almost ten years, comrade. I just worry I cannot stop once I start…”

Suddenly, Branislav and the armed guards began clapping and singing, much to Hawkeye’s confusion. “1, 2, 3, 4, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to You…”

The rest of the Ultimates, including Thor and Banner, walked into the room and finished the song. “HAPPY BIRTHDAY CLINT!”

“No hard feelings about staging your family’s deaths, eh comrade?” Asked Natasha, as Clint’s wife walked in with the cake.

Clint just stared, mouth agape for a few moments before he started laughing. “Oh, you guys…now I just feel stupid for ripping out my fingernails…”
That is great
 

ourchair

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FANFIC OF THE YEAR.

And the line about the Kennedy assassination sounds straight out of Millar's run.
 

Grocer Man

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This is brilliant. :lol:



That is a brilliant piece of dialogue. That's something I would have expected to read in one of Millar's UFF issues.

Also, the Arcade scene reminded me of Saw. That's what Ultimate Arcade should be. Jigsaw.

I love the Ultimates 3 stuff, the random Spider-Man with chainsaw hands scene... it's really good.

Nice job.

The Arcade scenes were supposed to parody the M:UA Pitfall sequence. But Saw works too.

FANFIC OF THE YEAR.

And the line about the Kennedy assassination sounds straight out of Millar's run.

:? I'm not sure whether to be happy from the praise, or sad I got no Ourchair points.
 

ourchair

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The Arcade scenes were supposed to parody the M:UA Pitfall sequence. But Saw works too.



:? I'm not sure whether to be happy from the praise, or sad I got no Ourchair points.
Ourchair Points are not like POTDs, nor are they rewards for insight, intelligence or wit or brilliance.

They are awarded for being a dick.
 

Langsta

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I love the Hawkeye part. I've never laughed so hard out loud after reading a fanfic.
 

Bass

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Somewhere, deep in an underground complex, the doctor looked over the legendary marksman known as Hawkeye.

“Yes…you certainly have proved useful, Mr. Barton…and now, Branislav here would like to give you your reward…”

The scarred man grinned horribly at Hawkeye. “I have been waiting for this almost ten years, comrade. I just worry I cannot stop once I start…”

Suddenly, Branislav and the armed guards began clapping and singing, much to Hawkeye’s confusion. “1, 2, 3, 4, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to You…”

The rest of the Ultimates, including Thor and Banner, walked into the room and finished the song. “HAPPY BIRTHDAY CLINT!”

“No hard feelings about staging your family’s deaths, eh comrade?” Asked Natasha, as Clint’s wife walked in with the cake.

Clint just stared, mouth agape for a few moments before he started laughing. “Oh, you guys…now I just feel stupid for ripping out my fingernails…”

*super gasp* :shock:

YOU STOLE THIS FROM ME!!!!!!

PUNCHING SOUND!

I really like this bit.

The whole thing (especially the bit you stole from me, Stealy McStealerson) is very funny!
 

TwilightEL

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Damn, I thought I'd commented on this before. This was really, really funny. I liked Venom joining Magneto (and can we agree that "genetic abomination" should be his official species?).
 

Gamma Man

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The Thing sighed, then turned around to re-enter the machine. “I’m sorry, Reed.”

“Yeah…you should be sorry, Petunia.”

“Oh, for the love of my nephew Ben,” complained Petunia Grimm as she stepped into the time machine.

As M. Night Shamaylan would say, "WHAT A TWIST!"

Anyways, great story. I loved all the twists, especially the Survivor version.

5/5
 

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