Law & Order: UC the Marathon

Ultimate Houde

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This is just like Nur's UC Fanfic TPB thread, so no posting other than me, and I'll gather the episodes in here as they finish.

LawandorderEps2.jpg


Houde and Bass on the cover
 
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Ultimate Houde

UC's Resident Genetic Recombinator
Joined
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Law & Order: Ultimate Central​

DUN DUN

Houde and BAss, both with a days worth of stubble, and wearing long trenchcoats and over all looking like a complete mess, walk into the police station, the 82 precinct.

Houde: Rough night?
Bass: Nope, you?
Houde: I had to go apprehend that wanna be criminal, you know the one, slimjim.
Bass: I always have the hardest time understanding him.

The secretary of the police chief, Skotti, walks up to them.

Houde: Hello sexy
Skotti: Funny, by the way, E wants to see you, and he doesn't look happy.
Houde: Calling you sexy is funny?
Skotti: In front of your lifepartner it is
Houde: We are not lifepartners!
Bass: Well, not fully yet, but once NEw York arranges gay marriages...
Houde: AUGH!
---
E's Office

Spittle was flying from E's face as he yelled at the newest recruit

E: What is this nonsense!
Recruit: I'm sorry sir...
E: The mother was bitten by radioactive monkeys! Damn you Card, DAMN YOU!
Orson Scott Card: I'm so sorry sir, I thought it was a smart idea at the time
E: Get out of my office Card, GO!
OSC: Yes sir, right away sir...did you read the second part?
E: I did, and its simply amazing that I haven't shot you yet.

Orson runs out of the room, running into Bass and Houde.

Bass: That guy has weirder theories than Hawkeye101 sometimes.
Houde: No ****
Bass: You can't say ****, say poo, or crap, or something like that
Houde: No ****ing way, I can't say ****?
Bass: You can't say **** either. Try Fuggle
Houde: Son of a *****
Bass: Try motherless goat for that one.
Houde: This stupid fuggling poo, and this son of a motherless goat swear filter.
Bass: Its hard to be a gritty cop drama when you can't swear
Houde: No poo

They walk into E's office.

Bass: What's up E?
E: Finally you two stroll in here, do you know what time it is?
Houde: 9:05?
E: Oh, I thought it was around noonish, so I guess your not late
Bass: You need to calm down?
E: Calm down? I got some freak telling me radioactive monkeys bit his mother, so he is a living brain.
Houde: I bet you read it all though
E: It was a train wreck, I couldn't stop
Bass: So, what's up?
E: I need you guys to investigate this case.

He hands them a folder.

Bass: The case of Pilfered Playstation?
 

Ultimate Houde

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DUN DUN

ProjectX2 was sitting at his desk, which, in the typical overworked old, laomst retired police sargent, was overflowing with papers. Right now, he was interviewing the past nights arrests. A person dressed like a gangsta from the West Side, was sitting across from him.

ProjectX2: So, name?
SlimJim: Slimizzle Jizzle Bizzle
ProjectX2: What?
SlimJim: That's my name ho!
ProjectX2: I have no idea what your saying...
SlimJim: That's becausizzle, I'm
ProjectX2 (interrupting): I don't care, let's skip the name, where are you from?
SlimJim: The West SIIIIIDDEEEEE!
ProjectX2: West Coast would have sufficed. Now, what where you arrested for?
SlimJim: I was dissing some assizzle, fo' sure, so I popped a cap in his ***, you know?
ProjectX2: I really don't

Houde and Bass walked over.

Houde: Oh, sorry ProjectX2, didn't know you were interviewing right now, bad time?
ProjectX2: What did you arrest this guy for?
Houde: Oh, SlimJim
ProjectX2: That's his name?
Houde: Yeah, I brought him in for public nudity. He was flashing old folks down at the home.
SlimJim: Aww mannnn, I told you not to tell that to people. What the hell, I have an image you know.
Houde: Constable, get him out of here, we need to talk to ProjectX2

SlimJim gets taken away, grumbling to himself.

Bass: He confuses me.

Houde takes a donut from ProjectX2 desk.

Houde: Bass, show him the case.

Bass hands over the folder, which he quickly scans.

ProjectX2: Yeah, and why do want my help?
Bass: We need a list of usual suspects.
ProjectX2: Okay then.

He types a few things into his computer.

ProjectX2: Here ya go.
Houde: Thanks ProjectX2.

They walk off.

And two more cops walk up, dragging a man with an oversized head to the desk.

ProjectX2: Nurhachi, Manwithoutfear, who's it going?
Nurhachi: We just caught this guy, he was doing very inapprioate things.
Manwithoutfear: Yeah, to a mannequin
Quagmire: Diggity diggity!
---

Houde and Bass get ina squad car, Bass in the passenger seat, Houde driving.

Houde: So, who's the first suspect?
Bass: JTG
Houde: Him? This has nothing to do with fanfics or lesbians though?
Bass: I know, but the money amount stolen was 9 dollars and forty seven cents.

Houde stares at Bass with his mouth open for a minute.

Houde: So?
Bass: Don't question me, hit the gas!
Houde: I don't understan...
Bass: That's why I'm the Nexus, I tell you what to do,
Houde: Oh....okay

A few minutes pass in silence

Houde: You want to grab some coffee first?
Bass: Yeah, why not.

They stop at the nearest coffee shop.
 
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Ultimate Houde

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E storms out of his office, and runs up to ProjectX2's desk, who was interviewing someone.

E: ProjectX2, where are those two ditheirng idiots!
ProjectX2: Which two, we got alot of idiots around here.
E: Good point, Nurhachi and Manwithoutfear.
ProjectX2: Oh, those dithering idiots. There at their desks.
E: Thanks.

E storms away from ProjectX2's desk.

ProjectX2: Sorry about that sir. And what were you arrested for last night?
George Jetson: Beating my wife.
ProjectX2: And what was the cause of that?
George Jetson: Because, she nevers turns off that damn machine! You know how much electricity that uses up? DO YOU?
ProjectX2: No I don't, and if you speak up to me again, I'm throwing you in the cell with Quagmire.
George Jetson: I'm sorry

Nurhachi: So, last night, I finally got there.
MWoF: With the girl man, congrats!
Nurhachi: Girl? No, on the Ultimate Spiderman game, the level with Carnage.
MWoF: Even sweeter!

E walks over.

E: Hey, you two idiots.
MWoF: Talking to us?
E: No, I'm talking to the other two idiots, over there.

He points in a random direction, which turns out to be in the same place that Hawkeye101 and Orson Scott Card where sitting.

Nurhachi: Oh, ok then.
E: Argh, you two, we got a call of domestic abuse. Go check it out.
MWoF: Ok fine, why not put Houde and Bass on it?
E: Because, they're searching for a missing playstation right now.
Nurhachi: Man, they always get the high profile cases

---

At JTG's apartment

Houde: I still don't know why 9 dollars and 47 seven cents have to do with this.
Bass: Nothing, you said he deals with lesbians. So we pretend to raid the apartment, and steal some of his collection
Houde: Nice call.

He knocks on the door.

Houde: OPEN UP, POLICE!

No sound from within the apartment

Houde: OPEN UP! POLICE!

Female Voice: Hold on a second.

The door opens to reveal a slightly naked Skotti, holding a paintbrush.

Skotti: What do you want?
Houde: um...uh....um.....um
Bass: Hey, what are you doing here?
Skotti: I asked you first
Houde *drool*
Bass: Shouldn't you be at work?
Skotti: It's my lunch break.
Houde: *nosebleed*
Skotti: So attractive.
Bass: We're here to bust JTG for stealing Ice's PS2
Skotti: Well, he hasn't been here for days. I'm trying to catch up on the drawings I owe him.
Bass: Damn
Skotti: So, do you two mind?
Houde: *faints*
Bass: Can you help me put him in the squad car?
---
MWoF and Nurhachi reach the house, in time to see a person banging on the door.

Person: Come on, let me inside.
Voice Inside: WHEN I'M DONE IN HERE!
Person: Please!
MWoF: What's going on here?
Person: Oh the police, thank god your here, my roommate, he's locked me outside.
Nurhachi: And your name is?
Person: Doc Comic.
MWoF: And your roommate?
Doc Comic: DIrishB
Nurhahci: That name sounds familar?
MWoF: We busted him for possesion last week....and the week before that, plus the week before that, and the Tuesday, well every Tuesday in September and...
Nurhachi: That's enough, alright, let's go bust the bad guy.
 

Ultimate Houde

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Bass and Houde, discouraged, but not out, rearrive at the 82nd precinct, and decide it's time to get technical, in a discussion that ran kinda like this.

Houde: You wanna get technical?
Bass: Sure, hey, is the sun down yet?
Houde: Nope, it's still up. I think I'm going to grab something to eat first.
Bass: I hate you

And lo, they go to the technical genuis' of the 82 precinct, Ourchair and Compound.

Houde: Hey you technical genuis.
Ourchair: Why we the technical genuis?
Bass: Cause you good?
Ourchair: I bet it's because we're of Asian descent
Compound: Me likey egg rolls
Houde; See, you guys are genuis'
Ourchair: Compound, you're giving us a bad name!
Compound: Me squint alot!
Ourchair: Aw man, what do you two want anyways?
Bass: We need taps.

Ourchair hands him a beer tap. Bass looks at the tap, and passes it over to Houde who pockets it.

Bass: How about electronic taps?
Ourchair: Silly Bass. beer and electricity don't mix
Compound: General Cho chicken?
Houde: This is going to take awhile...

---

Meanwhile, at DIrishB and Doc Comic's shared bungalow....yes, they live in a bungalow, because seriously, where else would DIrishB live?

Nurhachi and MWoF bust open the door to the bungalow.

Nurhachi: Hands on the floor, HANDS ON THE FLOOR!
MWoF: PUNK! HANDS ON THE FLOOR!

DIrishB walks out of the bedroom, wearing no t-shirt and a pair of jeans. A joint is hanging loosely in his mouth.

DIrishB: What you guys want?
Doc Comic: It's him, he's the one not letting me in my own apartment!
Nurhachi: Stay outside sir, we can handle it.

USW walks out of the bedroom, her clothes a mess.

USW: That's going to cost you twenty bucks honey. Oh, hey MWoF, you wanna another ride like last night
MWoF: I've never seen you before
Nurhachi: Irish, is that another joint?
DIrishB: I got glaucoma

USW starts to rub up against MWoF

USW: Come on baby
MWoF: Get away from me!
Doc Comic: HE's the ONE! ARREST HIM!
Nurhahci: Dammit, we are losing control of the situation, so everyone, SHUT UP!

Everyone shuts up, except DIrishB, who was a little behind on things

DIrishB: It's medicinal, yea, that's it

---

DUN DUN

Hawkeye101 and Orson Scott Card run towards the police car.

Hawkeye101: He gave us a mission
OSC: I love it!
Hawkeye101: I know, this is great!
OSC: I'm so excited.
Hawkeye101: I wonder what car we will get this time?
OSC: I hope something good.

The foreman hands them plastic keys, they both look at it.

Hawkeye101: I hate the motorized Tonka Truck.
 
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Ultimate Houde

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Houde, this time in the passenger seat, was eating some food, with chopsticks.

Bass: I can't believe you took some with you
Houde: Why not, it offends him if you don't, his people are like that you know.
Bass: Still, you ate about four egg rolls, then took another ten dumplings with you.
Houde: Well, what can I say, Compound is one hell of a good cook.
Bass: I can never use those things.
Houde: What things?
Bass: Chopsticks.
Houde: Oh, I just stab them.

He violently stabs another egg roll. Bass sees the sun finally set in the background.

Bass: Finally, I can eat.

They pull into a McDonald.

Bass: I'll take a quarter pounder. You want anything?
Houde: Sausage, in a bun please.

Little bits of egg roll fly out of his mouth.

Bass: Trash compactor.
Houde: Thank you

They pull up and Bass pays for the items.

Bass: 9.47 cents, here you go, exact change.
Houde: Hey, you know what they call a quarterpounder in France?
Bass: Yea, a Quarterpounder.
Houde: Just asking.
Bass: You know what they call a sausage in a bun in France?
Houde: Sausage in le bun?
Bass: Close, Sausage in le deirre.
Houde: Ew......
Bass: To Ice's house!

---

Back at the station

ProjectX2, sitting at his desk, sees a familar face walk by.

ProjectX2: Hey Cad, how's it going?

Cad turns and looks at ProjectX2. Some people find a few things wrong with Cad, one, he's albino, completely white, the other, he's a born again Hindu and walks around with a red dot on his forehead. White skin, red dot....I hope you guys get that one.

Cad: Not much Proj, where's E?
ProjectX2: In his office, he's yelling at Hawkeye101 and Orson again.
Cad: What they do this time?

---

In E's Office

E: YOU BOTH SUCK! I ASKED FOR A HOT DOG WITH CHILI!
Hawkeye101: You got that.
E: Did I? Looks to me like I got Chili with a hot dog!
OSC: Well, its the same thing. The person looked weird, with blue skin and all. I thoug...
E: So help me if you even mention radioactive monkeys again, I'm going to do something I'd have to coverup afterwards.
Hawkeye101: I don't get it.
E: Augh, where is Nur and MWoF?

---

At DIrishB's bungalow

The camera slowly pans up to the premises.

The door opens, and a thick grey smoke bellows out.

The two aforementioned cops fall out the door and land with a thud on the grass.

DIrish B falls out next, along with USW.

Doc Comic looks down at the passed out people.

Doc Comic: HA! Weaklings. I knew I could out smoke them.
---

At Ice's House

Houde and Bass drive up to the place, and walk over to the door.

Houde: Who gets to be good cop?
Bass: Houde, he didn't steal anything.
Houde: You be good cop
Bass: We ain't questioning him for anything.

The door opens, and Ice looks out.

Ice: I'm so gl...

He never got to finish the sentence as Houde grabbed him and slammed the door open, and then Ice into a wall.

Houde: Alright punk, tell us what we want to know.
Ice: What are you talking about?
Houde: I think he's playing hard to get.
Bass: Houde, put him down
Houde: I think he should stop tripping, that's what I think.

Houde bangs Ice against the wall once more.

Houde: You better start spilling it punk! I take down punks like you for breakfast.
Bass: After eating all that, he's still talking about food. Houde, let him down.

Houde leans in real close to Ice.

Houde: Your lucky he's here punk.

Houde drops Ice onto the floor, who whimpers slightly.

Bass: Okay Ice, what got stolen.
Houde: And tell us the truth punk!
Ice: My playstation 2, and some video games, plus some money.
Houde: I'm sure thats all you stole.
Ice: Stole? It got stolen from me
Houde: Bass, I think he's trying to escape.
Bass: Houde, cool it
Houde: Your lucky he's here punk.
Bass: Listen Ice, he just had a sausage, plus some egg rolls, so he's wired with food at the moment, he'll calm down soon enough.
Ice: As long as he stops with the pain.
Bass: He will, now, what was stolen, and tells us everything
DUN DUN
 

Ultimate Houde

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Bass and Houde got down to the end of the road before they began to laugh hysterically.

Bass: Did you see that?
Houde: And the way he wouldn't stop crying
Bass: Genius
Houde: You think we'll get in trouble for that?
Bass: I doubt it, E's probably yelling at the recruits right now.

---

At the office

E: Some more tea ProjectX2? Cad?
Cad: Why thank you
E: You are my favorite DA
ProjectX2: Are those crumpets?
E: But of course!
ProjectX2: Sweet!

---

Bass and Houde continued there drive, until.

BANG

Thump thump

Bass: Um....What the hell did we just hit
Victim: Help me
Houde: Oh ****, if someone saw us, they'd call the police.
Bass: Remember, we can't swear
Houde: NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO YELL AT ME FOR SWEARING! SOMEONE'S GOING TO CALL THE POLICE!
Bass: We are the police!
Houde: WHAT IF SOMEONE CALLS US!
Bass: Dammit Houde CALM DOWN!

Bass slaps Houde in the face.

Bass: LEt's go check on him, maybe he was commiting a crime, and we can say we ran him over because he was running from us.
Houde: That's infalible logic.

They exit the car and look underneath it, the victim who was cradling a bag. Around him was some change, and playstation video games. Houde grabs the bag, much to the protesting of the victim, and looks inside of if.

Houde: It's a playstation 2
Bass: Is it Ice's?
Houde: Yup
Bass: How can you tell?
Houde: It has a Justin Timberlake sticker on it.
Bass: Sweet
---

Later that day

E was with Bass and Houde in his office.

E: So he ran?
Houde: Yup
E: And instead of chasing him, you run him over with your car.
Bass: Indeedity
E: Well, I must say, THAT IS GENIUS!
Bass: Score!
Houde: Whooppee!
E: I can't believe it was Captain...

---

ProjectX2: So why you do it Captain? Why steal Ice's Playstation?
Captain: Because, I hate his stupid sigpic.
ProjectX2: Don't we all.
Captain: And I would have gotten away with it, if it wasn't for those stupid kids, and that damn car. I should have looked both ways!

---

In Nur and MWoF's police car

Nur: Dude, pull over man
MWoF: No you pull over
DIrishB: No you pull over!
MWoF: Man, I'm so got the munchies
DIrishB: Man, I want some funyons, and a pizza, and some carrot sticks, and some Dorritos, and some Lays, and some sour cream, and some toothpaste, and some alky...
Nur: Let's pull over here man, it's a 7-11.
MWoF: Dude, we're never going to make it back to the police station, are we?
Nur: I doubt it.

They walk into the 7-11, and as they do, a man walks up to the camera holding a keyboard.

It is Pandrio

He smiles, and presses two keys on the keyboard as the screen goes black.

DUN DUN
 
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Ultimate Houde

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Houde and Bass were at their desk, Houde munching on a chicken leg, and Bass sipping some mineral water.

Houde: Almost quitting time
Bass: Don't say that
Houde: Why not?
Bass: Because, we'll get work to do.
Houde: You believe in that crap?

Skotti walks over to Houde's desk.

Skotti: Houde, Bass, E wants to see you guys. He has a case for you.
Bass: I told you not to say anything
Houde: What, I was bored, all I've done today is play Warcraft, granted on work's server, but that's all I've done.
Skotti:Wow, you play Warcraft?
Houde: That's right baby, you like that I play Warcraft
Skotti: Not really, I'm just amazed at how much a geek you really are.

From the other room

E: DAMN IT, HOUDE, BASS, MY OFFICE NOW!

Bass: Let's go
Skotti: He's so cute when he yells.

---

In E's Office

Nurhachi and MWoF were already there, awaiting the arrival of Houde and Bass.

E was furious when they walk in.

E: What were you two doing out there?
Bass: Drinking some mineral water
Houde: Trying to get in Skotti's pants.
E: So the usual I see?
Nur: *chuckles*
E: You find that funny?
Nur: No sir!
E: Good, Houde, Bass I have some crimes for you to investigate, hate crimes, going on near Times Square.
Bass: Alrighteo
E: And MWoF, Nur, I have a serial writer...
Houde: A serial writer?
E: Yes, a serial writer, am I speaking greek to you?
Bass: Me and Houde handle those cases though. You should give to us.
MWoF: I never got a serial writer before, I want it. What the hell is a serial writer anyways?
Bass: Someone who grafftis walls of libraries, and bathrooms and stuff like that. The stories start off good, but then slowly make absolutely no sense whatsoever. Me and Houde want that case, give the hate crimes to Nur and MWoF.
E: I'm not too sure I want to do that, you and this guy, have, well, a history.
Bass: DAMN IT BOSS!

Bass slams his hands on the desk

Bass: I WANT THE DAMN CASE! I CAN HANDLE IT, THAT ACCIDENT WAS OVER TEN YEARS AGO!
Houde (whispering): Wasn't it last week.
Bass (whispering): Quiet you

E stares at Bass; hands until he removes them.

E: Fine, you think you can handle him, then go ahead, but no screw ups, espcially like last time. We're still cleaning the stains off the floor in the lobby.
Bass: You have my word.
Houde: And mine, oh, can I have some off your pudding?

---

Back at their desks

Houde: This pudding is magnificent.
Bass: Okay, here's my chance to redeem myself in E's eyes.
Houde: Can you handle it man?
Bass: Yes.
Houde: Alright then, who is the writer this time?

Bass opens the file, and a dreadful look comes into his eye.

Bass: It's......it's........
Houde The suspense is killing me!
Bass: LOEBENDIS!

Houde stands there shocked for a second

Houde: This pudding is really really good. You should get some.
 

Ultimate Houde

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DUN DUN

The first crime scene.
A subway wall


Houde: You know, this story seems to be really really good.

Houde stood there, copying the story word for word on the wall. Bass was checking onthe writing style, while Compound stood in the background, checking survillence cameras, while his buddy OurChair translated for him.

Compound: 500 dollars!
Ourchair: He's almost got the code crack.
Houde (reading from the wall): And then Superman turns around to see...Wow, really, Mirror Master? Wonder why he's here...

Houde goes back to scribling.

Bass: This makes no sense what so ever, why would someone kidnap Krypto?
Houde: Maybe it's a Lex subplot.
Bass: No, this is Loebendis, he's put a stupid obvious clue in somewhere. We need to figure out the ending before he writes it and goes under ground again.
Compound: Two dollar Special!
Ourchair: He's in!

Houde and Bass rush over.

What they is a a overwieght bald man run into the subway. He proceeds to hold people against the wall, then start writing a story on it. He writes over the people, who scream in terror, and whenever he dots an 'i', or ends a sentence.

Bass: This is just horrible
Houde: grusome
Ourchair: The humanity
Compound: Out of steamed rice.
Houde: It's a good thing those people stayed on the wall like that for us to copy the story down.

He looks up, and people are still standing against the wall.

People: No prob.
Houde: Good, I wonder why they are so helpful though.
Bass: Probably because you threatened them with your gun.
Houde: Well, the black guy tried to steal my chicken leg.
---

Police Car
Nurhachi and MWoF's


Nur: We are going to need help
MWoF: Someone with a sick enough mind, like this criminals.
Nur: Someone who can think round corners, and improvise strange insults.
MWoF: But E fired JTG a long time ago.
Nur: No, not him, he's not around anyways. We need DIrishB.
MWoF: Why do we need the pothead?
Nur: Exactly
MWoF: Oh, I see now.
Nur: Siren's on, this is an emergency!

As they drive towards DIrishB's bungalow, a figure pops his head out of a sewer grate, and laughs evilly like.

Then coughs.

Figure: I hate sewers, they are so messy!
---

Project's Desk

E: Young people these days don't know anything
ProjectX2: I know huh
E: I think we need to show those two new recruits around town.
ProjectX2: And how the old timers do things.
Cad: Hey, Skotti told me you were over here.
E: If it isn't my favorite albino born again Hindu.
Cad: You know others?
E: Yea, I mean, who doesn't?
ProjectX2: We may have a prblem E
Cad: Anyways, the case against Loebendis, I'm workin gon it. Once Nurhahci and MWoF get him in....
E: I sent Houde and BAss on the case.
Cad: What, after last time? We still can't get the stain off the lobby floor out there.
E: I know, but he wasn't budging.
Cad: FIne, I hope they don't screw up though.
ProjectX2: E, alittle help here
E: What's the matter?
ProjectX2: I can't get off my chair. I'v been sitting here too long.
E (yelling): DAMN IT PROJECT! HAWKEYE101, ORSON, GET A CROWBAR OVER HERE, NOW!
 

Ultimate Houde

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Bass and Houde are driving, Houde driving, Bass in the passenger seat. Papers are covering his entire body, and he just keeps looking over them, with a wild look in his eyes.

Bass: Damn, where did he find this character from? I never even heard of Freedom Girl before...
Houde: I think you need to relax.
Bass: Can't right now, I need to figure out this plot line.
Houde: It's impossible man, there's no way to figure it out
Bass: I CAN DO IT! I'M THE NEXUS!

Houde gives Bass a weird look.

Houde: Nexus?
Bass: Yes, the Damn Nexus, the creator of the Traitor Manifesto, the semifinalist of the most popular UC member, the person who found Loki in Ultimates 1, me, the damn Nexus, and I can't figure out this PLOT! WHY STARGIRL!
Houde: Cause she look shot in spandex?
Bass: Houde, every comic book girl looks hot in Spandex.
Houde: One lady, Amanda Walters.
Bass: Point
Houde: I bet you Skotti looks hot in spandex.
Bass: Get off of Skotti already, we need to focus.
Houde: Hey, those people are screaming, should we stop?
Bass: Naw
Houde: We're police, shouldn't we stop?
Bass: Is there a fat bald guy with a quill out there?
Houde: No
Bass: Then leave it be.

----

In the middle of the screaming.

Girl: What did he do to you?
Guy: I don't know, I was just standing here, then, then, he took off my shirt and put on this pink one, with a hat, and a tie. And I'm wearing sunglasses, AT NIGHT!
Girl: THe horror! But, those are some nice khaki's
Guy: They feel good against my skin too. Like how he did my hair?
Girl: That is nice, let's go back to my place.
Guy: Sure, as long as you don't mess the hair.

---

Nurhachi and MWoF arrive at DIrishB's Bungalow.

Nur: We called, why all the lights off

They knock on the door, Doc Comic answers, in a grey robe.

Doc Comic: Enter mere mortals
Nur: Mortals?
MWoF: Who you calling mere? Where's DIrishB?
Doc Comic: Come on guys, play with it
Nur: Alright fine, lead the way
Doc Comic: Can you call me gatekeeper?
MWoF: No

They enter the bungalow, and find DIrishB on the couch, also dressed ina robe.

Doc Comic: Master, they are here.
DIrishB: Leave us be
Doc Comic: Sure, hey, you guys want funyons?
DIrishB: Dammit Doc Comic, I'm trying to have an atmosphere here
Doc Comic: Oh yeah, sorry, would you like onions that are fun?
MWoF: Sure, can I also get Dew from the Mountains?
Doc Comic: We're out, how about some Up to the Seven?
MWoF: Naw, I'll pass, what about Adams, the Sam version?
Doc Comic: Yeah, we got some, you too Nur, I mean, mortal?
Nur: Whatever, DIrishB, we need your help
DIrishB: I hear you need my help

A pause

Nur: I just told you that
DIrishB: I was using my ability to predict what your going to say
Nur: Your not making sense
DIrishB: You think I''m not making sense

Another pause

Nur: Can I shot him?
MWoF: No, we need his help
DIrishB: I knew you were going to say that.
Nur: I am so going to shoot him
DIishB: I will require a few things from you first
MWoF: Like what?
DIrishB: Rolling papaers, and my stash of weed you took from my last wednesday
MWoF: How about we let you have the stash you have now, and you help us, or masterful one
DIrishB: You drive a hard bargian
Nur: I want to shot him, still
DIrishB: Okay, I'll help you
MWoF: Good, let's go

The three of them leave.

Doc Comic walks back into the room.

Doc Comic:Guys, I got the beer, I mean, the liquid made from the earth. Guys? GUYS? Damn, I wanted to come with.
 

Ultimate Houde

UC's Resident Genetic Recombinator
Joined
Apr 14, 2005
Messages
20,134
Location
Houde's Chili Dog Shack
DUN DUN

At the local donut shop

E: Ah, this brings back the good old days
ProjectX2: Makes my cold heart feel all warm inside
E: Yes it does, well mostly....

The two old timers gaze at the two new cops sitting across from them. The new cops swallow nervously.

E: Drink your coffee

The cop goes to drink his coffee.

E: DID I TELL YOU TO DRINK YOUR COFFEE?

The cop nervously spills it all over himself.

Nigma: It stings, it stings!
E: HA! Oldest joke in the book.

ProjectX2 looks at the other cop.

ProjectX2: Drink your coffee.
Ice: I got Thai, I don't like coffee
ProjectX2: Drink it
Ice: Naw, it'ss till too warm too drink
Nigma: I taste like burning!
Ice: How does this help us be policeman?
E (while raising an eyebrow): You questioning me?
Ice: Maybe
E: YOU QUESTIONING ME?
Ice: I guess
E: DRINK YOUR COFFEE!
Ice: I don't wann.....
E: DRINK IT!

Ice drinks the scalding hot liquid, while crying and whimpering.

ProjectX2: Just like the old days

---
At the serial writer's last crime scene

Bass: WHAT?

Houde comes running over.

Houde: What, what's the matter?
Bass: Darkseid? DARKSEID? Why the fuggle does Darkseid want Krypto?
Houde: Throw rug?
Bass: On Apokolips? Seriously? There's so much soot, the white will be black in a matter of no time.
Houde: I didn't say it was a good idea.
Bass: Now he has a subplot with Firestorm in here as well, teaming up with Mr. Miracle. I'm so confused..
Houde: Face it B"***, we need help
Bass: From who though?
Houde: We need the word on the street
Bass: No, I told you before, I can't understand the guy.
Houde: That's right, we need SlimJim.

---

Nur, MWoF, and DIrishB enter the Hawkeye101's apartment

Nur: Hawkeye? You okay? We got the call on the radio?
MWof: Something smells good
DIrishB: I know, like he's cooking something.
MWoF: When did he clean up his apartment?
Nur: The carpet, it's vaccumed. And the walls, they have a fresh coat of paint.
DIrishB: And more than one simple color. My weed-sense is tingling.
MWoF: Hey Hawkeye!

Hawkeye101 comes walking out the kitchen, the other gasp in shock. He's wearing a pink shirt, layered with a white coat, and white Docker's He is wearing sunglasses, even though he is still in the apartment, and carrying four glasses of a red wine.

Hawkeye101: Hey guys! What's up?

DIrishB takes one long look.

DIrishB: SAY NO! SAY NO TO METRO!
 

Ultimate Houde

UC's Resident Genetic Recombinator
Joined
Apr 14, 2005
Messages
20,134
Location
Houde's Chili Dog Shack
SlimJim was with a couple of his gang members, in a deserted alleyway.

SlimJim:You see, I shove my glock up his pooper.
Gang Banger: Pooper?
SlimJim: Damn swear filter, it won't let me be gangsta.

He strikes a gangsta pose. His posse do the same.

Car lights appear at the end of the alleyway.

SlimJim:Oh ****, it's the piggys!

His posse runs, and SlimJim turns as to run, but stops once his gang is gone.

SlimJim:You guys needs to stop that yo

Houde and Bass get out of the car.

Houde: We need some information Slimmy
SlimJim:The name ain't Slimmy foo'
Bass: We need to know where Loebendis is gonna strike.
SlimJim:Loebendis? Loebendis? I can't help you boys.
Houde: Slimmy, it's been a long night. We will drag you to the station, we will beat you, or you could simply tell us what you know.
Bass: We won't even drag you to the station, I've got a sock, I'm sure Houde has an orange in his never ending food bag he carries around.,,
Houde: Hey
Bass:...So, where is the fat bald hypocritical bastard.
SlimJim: I wish I can help you guys, but I...

Bass bumrushes SlimJim, and slams into the chain link fence.

Bass: We have a maniac out there, A MANIAC!
Houde: And right now, he's in the streets, who knows who he'll hurt next.
SlimJim: Like I care about those people.
Bass: OH, I think he's trying to be smart with us Houde
Houde: Oh he definitely is, you see Slimmy, we have studied this cat, we know his ways, and if we want too, we could, let's say, reenact the crime.
Bass: ON YOUR FACE!
SlimJim: You guys are crazy, CRAZY!
Houde: And I'm the rational one.
Bass: Houde, get the quill!
SlimJim: Ok ok, he's staying at the holdiay inn on fourth and seventy second.
Houde: Thanks Slimmy, see you around.

Bass and Houde get back into the car, and drive off.

SlimJim: There, you happy, I told em.

A bald head silhoutte appears on the brickwork behind SlimJim.

Loebendis: Oh yes...HAHAHHAHAHHAHAH!
---

In Hawkeye101's apartment

Hawkeye101: No seriously, I like this way of life. I spend over half my salary on hair products now.
Nur: Your bald.
MWoF: DIrishB is in trouble I think, he keeps shaking.
DIrishB: oh gawd, OH GAWD, I know who did this, he's he's HORRIBLE!
Nur: WHo is he DIrishB?

DIrishB looks up all dramatically: He's...HE'S!!!!

The lights go off in the apartment, then, they come back on in a minute.

Nur: HOLY CRAP!
MWoF: What is the nine hells is going on?

DIrishB was now standing up, dressed in jeans, with a blazer, and a pink shirt underneath.

DIrishB: Oh, wow, these clothes feel so nice against my skin!
Hawkeye101: I love your eyeshadow!
DIrishB: Thank you! Your hankie is very nice!
Voice: Oh, my boys are so into fashion now, aren't they.

Nur and MWoF slowly turn around to see the hate crimer.

Nur: Should have known.
MWoF: LEt's takehim out!

The figure was someone dressed in a long flowing cloak, and had impeccable hair.

Dr. Strangefate: Hello Boys! I love it when you guys get all tough for me!
 

Ultimate Houde

UC's Resident Genetic Recombinator
Joined
Apr 14, 2005
Messages
20,134
Location
Houde's Chili Dog Shack
Nurhachi and Manwithoutfear, along with their friend DIrishB were investigating the hate crimes taking place around the city. These hate crimes consisted of someone running around, turning heterosexual males into metrosexual males. Upon arriving at Hawkeye101's apartment, they run into this hate crimer, Dr. Strangefate, a small man who wears a yellow cape, a fashionable yellow cape. He has just commited a crime against DIrishB, and now face off against the two vetern cops.

Nur: Get him.
MWoF: I ain't touching him, I could get cooties.
Hawkeye101: Your back! Wanna do my bedroom next? I think a nice neutral....
MWof: Dammit Hawkeye101, your working with us now, come on, arrest the guy
Hawkeye101: Arrest him? I think not, he's so cool!
Nur: Let's do this.

Nurhachi runs forward to slap cuffs on Dr. Strangefate.

Dr. Strangefate: I think not cutie pie!

As Nur's hands get close, he noticed his cuticles start to get brighter, stronger.

Nur: Manwithoutfear, he's giving me a manicure!
MWoF: Oh ****, I'll help you man!

MWoF pulls out his gun.

MWoF: Drop the nail hardener, and step away from his hands.
Dr. Strangefate: Oh, being so forceful aren't we?
MWoF: Don't make me tell you again.
Dr. Strangefate: Sure thing pumpkin.

Dr. Strangefate drops the bottle, and steps away from the stricken Nurhachi. Nurhachi is on the ground, nursing his hand, crying to himself.

Nur: The horror.
MWoF: Be strong Nur.

He radioes in for backup.

---

E and ProjectX2 were about to call it a day when they got a frantic call from MWoF.

MWoF: All units, I need backup, NOW! Officer down, I have the hate crimer in custody, but he's smilingly at me, and I'm confused. I NEED HELP.

E frantical picks up the radio.

E: Coming for you MWoF, hold on, We'll save you.
MWoF: OH GOD! NOOOOO!
E: MWoF: What's going on?
MWoF: He's waxing my chest hair! He's threatening to cut my mullet!
E: Maybe you should let him. That mullet is horrible.
Ice: I wax my chest hair.
ProjectX2: Shut it newbie.
E: Hold on MWoF, we got some recruits we can throw at him.
Nigma: My tongue is still numb.
ProjectX2: Sirens and lights on, we're going in!

The car drives full speed down Times Square, heading for Hawkeye101's apartment.

---

Meanwhile

The police car holding Houde and Bass drive up to the place SlimJim told them where Loebendis was hiding. Bass was still throwing papers around, readin the story Loebendis has been serial writing over various places downtown.

Houde: Has the story ended yet?
Bass: No, but he found Krypto.
Houde: Where was he?
Bass: On Earth-2, I don't know why though.
Houde: And? Who kidnapped him?
Bass: Alexander Luthor, the good Lex. He did it because he needed to solve his rat problem. But villains are still out there.
Houde: Come on, let's arrest this guy, and end this stupid story.
Bass: Oh yeah. Let's do this.

He loads his gun dramatically.

Houde: Why, why the dramatic slow motion gun loading?
Bass: Cause I'm the Nexus.
Houde: Oh yeah, that strange Nexus obession of yours.

They walk up to the hotel room, Bass throws his trenchcoat up, and pretends there is wind.

Bass: *making wind noises*
Houde: Stop with the drama already, we got a criminal to arrest.

The door the room is in is slightly open. Houde draws his gun, and opens the door slowly, he motions for Bass to jump in.

Bass: Hut hut hut

Bass jumps into the room, which is deviod of most furniture except for a chair in the middle of the room, and yells.

Bass: Police freeze!

Loebendis was sitting on the chair in the middle of the room. The fat bald man simply smiled.

Loebendis: I have no intention of running officer. In fact, you can arrest me Bass.
Bass: What?
Loebendis: Oh please arrest me officer.

He holds his hands out to be cuffed.

Houde: I say we beat him.
Bass: No, he'll just get out of jail that way. We're doing this by the books.
Houde: We get to beat him with books?
Bass: No, the right way.
Houde: Orange in a sock? No bruises that way.
Bass: There shall be no beating!
Houde: Fine, fine. Be all snippy about it.

---

Hawkeye101's apartment building.

E, ProjectX2 and the recruits run up to the apartment to see a crying Nur, and MWoF passed out on the floor.

E: What happened?
Nur: He, he couldn't take the pressure anymore, the waxing was too much. He's still here, somewhere.

From behind them, Dr. Strangefate jumps out.

Dr. Strangefate: Hello boys! Shall we.

He jumps Ice and begins to try to metrosexualize him.

Dr. Strangefate: Oh my...wait......wait...this isn't possible.
Ice: Your plan worked E, shall I cuff him?
E: Do it Officer.

Ice slaps the cuffs on him.

Nur: What happened?
E: Easy, Ice is already a metrosexual, Dr. Strangefate had no idea what to try to improve on him.
Dr. Strangefate: He likes JT, I....can't improve that no matter what.
E: Let's book him boys, Nur, the ambulance is on it's way.
Nur: Thanks E.

DUN DUN

E looks around, and spots Pandrio out on the balcony with his keyboard.

E: What the hell? Damn, Nigma, go arrest that guy, this is a crime scene now.

Pandrio looks all panicky and jumps from the balcony.
 

Ultimate Houde

UC's Resident Genetic Recombinator
Joined
Apr 14, 2005
Messages
20,134
Location
Houde's Chili Dog Shack
A couple of days later, inside the 82nd precinct.

Houde and Bass were entertaining a few of the officers around there desk, as well as two new officers, Ice and Nigma.

Houde:...and then Bass slammed him against the wall.
Bass: He deserved it
Houde: And old Slimmy started to cry.
Bass: It was great.
Ice: Wow, you guys are cool
Nur: Trust me, the coolness factor wears off once you get to know them.
Houde: How's your hand?
Nur: Getting better, the Doc said by next week the manicure shoudl be gone and I can take it out of the cast.
Bass: Too bad MWoF is stuck in the hospital until his chest hair grows back.
Nur: Funny part is, Hawkeye101 seems normal by it.
Nigma: Yea, and that hot girl is talking to him right now.
Houde: Hot girl? Who?

Houde looks over to see Skotti and Hawkeye101 talking. Skotti is obviously flirting as she casually runs her hands over Hawkeye101's chest.

Houde: I gotta put an end to this.

He walks over to the two of them.

Skotti: Wow, it feels really nice.
Hawkeye101: It's suede
Houde: Hey guys, what's up?
Skotti: I'm admiring Hawkeye101's shirt, it's real swede.
Houde: That's nice, did I tell you I caught Loebendis?
Hawkeye101: And my bathroom shower curtain matches the rugs.
Skotti: That's so hot.
Houde: It is?
Skotti: Oh yea, I love a guy who can color coordinate his bathroom.
Hawkeye101: Did you know I have three, count em, three different shampoo's?
Skotti: I need to take you out, right now.
Houde: HEY! I can cook a mean mac & cheese!
Skotti: Sorry Houdey baby, tell E I left early, okies?
Houde: No...

Skotti walks out arm and arm with Hawkeye101. She turns right before she leaves the door, to give Houde a wink, then she leans her head against Hawkeye101's shoulder, and walks out with him.

Bass and Nur walk up behind Houde.

Bass: Can't win em all.
Nur: I wonder if I show her my hand, I could get some play as well?
Houde: This sucks.

ProjectX2 comes stomping around the corner.

ProjectX2: You guys better hurry and get into E's Office. He wants a word with you all, except for you Nur, he doesn't want to talk to you.
Nur: Why not me?
ProjectX2: He's afraid you might have metro cooties.
Nur: Dammit!

Houde and Bass look at each other, and shrug, they wander into E's Office. They see E looking out the window, he face hidden, and Cad, crying into the desk.

Bass: What happened?
Cad (muffled): His case was brillant. Hitllar was his lawyer, I had no chance.
Houde: What?
E: Loebendis got out.
Bass: What? How?
Cad: His lawyer was Hitllar, the one who defended Brian K. Moore, and Joe DiDio. Anyways, he told the jury that Loebendis wouldn't be able to finish the story in prison, so the jury let him out.
Bass: That bastard.
Houde: He knew he was going to get out.
E: Yup, he just wanted the coverage for his story.
Bass: I should have shot him, you should have let me shoot him!
Houde: Next time, I'll let you do that.
E: And I'll look someplace else.
Cad: And I'll make sure you don't go to jail for it.
Bass: Next time. By the way, they get the stain out of the lobby?
E: Oh yeah, turns out club soda got it out.
Cad: Still, never thought black cherry soda left a stain like that.
Houde: That's the last time we let our Nexus drink before going after a serial writer.

The office laughs at the corny joke as the screen fades to black.

DUN DUN
 

Ultimate Houde

UC's Resident Genetic Recombinator
Joined
Apr 14, 2005
Messages
20,134
Location
Houde's Chili Dog Shack
Bass walks up to his desk, which was right across Houde's, and sits down.

Bass: Mornin'
Houde: Morning.

Silence passes for a few minutes.

Bass: What is that smell?
Houde: No idea.

A few more minutes pass.

Bass: Seriously, it smells like rotten fruit.
Houde: Can't smell a thing.
Bass: My god, it's...it's disgusting.

Skotti walks over.

Skotti: Hey guys, E want.....What the hell is that smell?
Houde: Bass farted, surprised you didn't hear it.
Bass: I didn't fart, he's lying!
Skotti: Sure he is, my god that is an awful smell, E wants you two, and I'm getting a gas mask for that smell.
Houde: It wasn;t nice of him to do that to me, not something to do to someone first thing in the morning.
Skotti: Aw, poor baby, tell you what, come by my place tonight, and I'll make you feel better.
Houde: Naw, that's alright, I got other things to do.

He disinterestedly shuffles papers. Skotti look on in shock.

Skotti: What?
Houde: I'm busy, I'll take a raincheck on that though.
Skotti: Oh....ok
Houde: Excuse us, let's go Bass.
Bass: Ok....

Skotti stops Bass as Houde heads towards E's office.

Skotti: Whats his deal?
Bass: I really don't know
Skotti: Is he dating someone?
Bass: No idea.
Skotti: Hmm....I need to get to the bottom of this.

She begins to walk away but turns around first.

Skotti: Oh and Bass Honey?
Bass: Yea?
Skotti: The fart reeked.
Bass: Son of a....HOUDE!

---
E's office

Bass runs into E's office, pointing a finger at Houde.

Bass: YOU BASTARD!

E looks calmly up at Bass, and Bass notices a new person, British by the suit the man was wearing, and that damn strange hat those bobbies wear over there.

E: Did you just yell in my office?

Houde hides his grin.

E: Well?
Bass: Um...I...was..
E: Do you feel lucky....punk?
Bass: No
E: Yell in my office again, and I'm teaming you with Orson. Alright as I was telling Houde over here, welcome special Lance Constable Guji. He's here on the Cop Exchange Program.
Bass: Cop exchange program? Isn't that were MWoF and Nur went?
E: Yup.

---

In Amsterdam

A cloud of smoke hung low over the bench, so that only the feet of three people could be seen.

MWoF: I can't believe this is all you guys do here!
Nur: This is awesome! We are so hitting the strip later on! Isn't that right Private Fuzzy Brids.
Fuzzy Birds: Hell yea!

---

E: I decided they needed a break after the Strangefate fiasco.
Houde: So, who's he being teamed with?
E: You guys, I need you three to protect a witness.
Houde: So, we have a reason for this?
E: Yes, Typhiodcat is a witness to a murder, and Cad needs someone to watch over her.

As if on cue, Cad comes walking in, with a beautiful girl behind him.

Cad: Sorry I'm late E, guys, oh, you must Guji, good morning.
Guji: Morning? It's still late night where I'm from. And I have to be up at SEVEN!
Cad: Sorry to hear that.
Guji: No your not
Houde: Is this Typhiodcat?
Cad: Yes, and we want you to...

Before Cad could finish his sentence, E's dorr burst open, revealing a chain smoking small, but obviously hardheaded federal agent woman. Behind her stood two huge men, also in the same suits.

E: RHYO? WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING CHARGING INTO MY OFFICE?
Rhyo: E, I remember when you were the captain of a useless police force, oh wait, you're still the captain of a useless police force. Oh, hi Bass, Houde, Cad, strange british guy, and random hot chick.
Houde: Hey
Bass: Rhyo
Guji: I think I'm in love.
E: What do you want?
Rhyo: Listen to the news lately?
E: Been busy doing work, some of us do that you know.
Rhyo: Well, if you weren't so busy you would know this nugget, John Q. Public has been killed.
E: The mob boss?
Rhyo: Glad to see your still smart at least. Old age hasn't dulled that brain of yours.
E: That was for the readers, and you know it.
Rhyo: Anyways, we don't think he's really dead.
Bass: Why is that?
Rhyo: No body smartass.
Bass: Hey, that's not cool. She hurt my feelings.
Rhyo: Tell someone who cares. Anyways, the higher ups want you to find him E, before the gangs decide to take to the streets and fight back.
E: Houde, Bass, change of mission, find John Q. Public.
Houde: Still want us to bring the Brit?
E: Yup
Guji: I have a name jackass.
Rhyo: I like him.
 
Last edited:

Ultimate Houde

UC's Resident Genetic Recombinator
Joined
Apr 14, 2005
Messages
20,134
Location
Houde's Chili Dog Shack
After Houde, Bass and Guji left to begin their search for the missing John Q. Public, E and Cad discussed options.

E: We should leave her in the precinct Cad.
Cad: I know
E: But, we can take a chance, and maybe get the person hunting her to show themselves.
Cad: But who can we assign to this to look dumb enough to cause the person to actually try it?
E: I have the people for it.
Cad: No, you can't be serious
E: Oh yes
Cad: You sure about this?
E: Well, I still keep MWoF around, so who really knows.
Cad: Ok, you know your people.

E leaves his office, and bumps into someone in a janitor outfit.

E: Sorry about that.
TGO: My fault

E continues on to Hawkeye101 and Orson Scott Card's desk.

E: Boys, have I got a mission for you

Behind them a janitor listened with glee

TGO: They're moving the goods.

---

Meanwhile

Houde, Bass and Guji go to the one person they need to go too for information.

SlimJim.

They drive up to his place of residence, some slum in the middle of the slums.

Houde: I feel gansta over here.
Guji: You Americans, letting people live like this, in Britian we shot them.
Bass: Ya, it took some getting use too for me, but hey, wanna play bad cop?
Guji: Bad Cop?
Houde: Ya, we bust down the door and you grab SlimJim, and toss him around for awhile.
Guji: But why would I do that?
Bass: Because, it's how we do things over here across the pond
Guji: But isn't that against his rights?

Houde and Bass look at each other and laugh there heads off.

Houde: Rights? Man this guy is gold.
Bass: I know.

Some little kid runs up, jumps, and grabs Guji's Bobby Hat, and runs off with it.

Guji: HEY!
Bass: Should have warned you about that, the little buggers take anything that isn't nailed down.

They trio enter SlimJim's house.

Houde: OH SLIMMY!

The sound of someone falling in the kitchen isheard, followed by a groan of pain, then more crashing glass. The cops run in, guns in hand, and see SlimJim on the floor, knocked out cold, and a person running away.

Guji: YOU STOP!

He points.

The man keeps running.

Guji: Are we suppose to chase after them? Yelling usually works in Britian
Houde: Really? It usually never works here.
Bass: Guys, the person left something.

He holds up a key chain that has the initials J.Q.P.

Bass: Only in TV shows do clues like this get left behind.
Houde: We should check the prints with Compound and Ourchair.
Guji: Who are those people?
Houde: Our token Asians.
Guij: Really? I love little people!
 

Ultimate Houde

UC's Resident Genetic Recombinator
Joined
Apr 14, 2005
Messages
20,134
Location
Houde's Chili Dog Shack
Ourchair's and Compound's Lab

Ourchair was act ually doing work, and Compound was at the computer when Bass, Houde and Guji.

Ourchair: Hey guys, you must be Guji, E told me we were getting a bobby.
Guji: Wow, he hardly has an accent.
Compound (still looking at the computer): Cream of Som Yung Gai soup!
Guji: OH! He is definitely Asian! Wow, a real life one!
Ourchair: Yea, he gives us all a bad name.
Bass: We want you to ID this.

He hands Ourchair the keyring that has the Initial J.Q.P. on it.

Ourchair: Well, I think it belongs to someone with the initials J. Q. and P.

Silence.

Guji: They are extremely smart!
Compound (Still typing): Longer than Great Wall!
Houde: What is he doing over there.
Ourchair: You don't me to translate.
Houde: I don't think I do...
Compound: Delicate Lotus Blossom!
Bass: Run the keyring for prints.
Ourchair: Of course.

Ourchair gets up and runs out of the lab, holding the keyring.

Guji: I would have never thought of actually running with the keyring to get prints.
Bass: Well, Ourchair likes to take the direct approach
Compound: Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly!

Silence as the three cops look over at Compound.

Bass: You don't think he's actually doing what I think he's doing, do you?
Houde: I think we should leave....
Compound: Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ!

Houde: HE IS!
Guji: Such a wonderful people.
Bass: Personally, I don't want to know how wonderful they can be. I suggest we leave and wait for Ourchair outside the lab.

The trio of cops back out exit the lab.

Compound: Me reary rikey Oriental rugs!

---
E's Office

Rhyo: So E, your chair is pretty comfortable.
E: Get out of my chair
Rhyo: I outrank you
E: SO? THIS IS MY OFFICE!
Rhyo: And this is me not caring.
E: Your not going to leave until I find out where John Q. Public is, are you?
Rhyo: Nope.

She swivels the chair a few times.

E: Damn you woman!

He storms out of the office, and goes straight to Ice and Nigma's desk.

E: YOU TWO SLACKERS!
Ice: What?
Nigma: How are we slacking?
E: Are you TALKING BACK TO ME? ME?

Spittle flies out of E's face.

Ice (wiping his face): Um...no?
E: I THINK YOU ARE, THAT'S IT, WE GOING ON PATROL!
Nigma: Not again, please not again.

---

ProjectX2 actually had a mission, he needed to tail Hawkeye101 and Orson Scott Card as they protected Typhiodcat, Cad's star witness.

Right now they were taking Typhiodcat to a movie.

ProjectX2 bought the ticket to the same movie, and shuddered when he saw the title of the movie.

Spongebob 2: The return of Spongy

ProjectX2: Oh man, I have to sit through this poop.

He sat down next to someone who was actually liking the film, and singing a few songs.

TGO: Who lives in a pineapple under the sea!

---

E, in the car with Ice and Nigma, was in the process of yelling at pedestrians when he saw the gang members across the street.

E: Those are Random's Randoms. They are mortal enemies of Entropy's Trophys.
Ice: Are they the guys who walk around with trophy's for hats.
E: Yeah, why?
Nigma: Cause they are across the street.

E looks at the two gangs as they square off against each other.

E: LEt's stop them.
Ice: How?
Nigma: Yea, how?

E reaches into the glove box and pulls out a microphone.

E: Westside Story style.
 

Ultimate Houde

UC's Resident Genetic Recombinator
Joined
Apr 14, 2005
Messages
20,134
Location
Houde's Chili Dog Shack
E steps out of the car as the two gangs look at each other. He holds up the microphone, the gangs stop.

Entropy: We don't like cops around in this parts
Random: We don't appreciate the blue in your uniforms.

Somewhere a spotlight lands on E.

(Tune of "Here I go again")

I don't like you two gangs
But, I sure would like to stomp your butts
Too bad I'm the good guy
Or I would open the can of whoopass
An' I made up my mind
I ain't gonna waste my time
So I'm yelling yet again
Yes, I 'm yelling yet again.

A couple of bums walk up with guitars, a hot dog seller's cart becomes a drum kit.

E:We're searching for John Q. right now
So you should put down your weapons
Oh Lord I pray
That you don't so I can yell some more
'Cos I know how to yell
To yell in these lonely streets of mine!

The gangs sing along in the chorus as the musicians begin to play their guitars and drums. In the background, a van pulls up, and the back reveals a DJ station.

E (Plus gang members): CAUSE HERE I YELL AGAIN ON MY OWN!
YELLING AT YOU'SE GANG MEMBERS ALL THE DAY!
LIKE THAT HOBO, I WANNA PLAY ON THAT GUITAR!
AN' I MADE UP MY MIND!
YOU'SE AIN'T GONNA TAKE UP ALL MY TIME!

E throws the microphone to Ice, who grabs it, and spins. The spotlight changes to mutlicolored. The gang member stop rocking, and instead start doing some choreograph dancing. The DJ in the van let's out some beats.

(sung to the tune of Everybody)

Ice: ROCK THE PD!
Gang members: OH YEA!
Ice: ROCK THIS PD!
Gang members: OH YEA!
Ice: ROCK THIS PD RIGHT! 82nd PRECINCT ALRIGHT!

E shakes his head as Ice gets into the groove.

Ice: Oh my gawd, 82nd is back again!
Trophies and Random's everybody sing!
E brings the flavor, and Nig rocks you out!
And we's gotta question for you, answer it now!

Am I sexual?
Randoms: Not really!
Ice:Am I Orginal?
Trophies: Maybe!
Ice: Am I everything you need!

The gang members look at each other questionally. E walks up and takes the mic. He pats Ice on the head, and passes the mic over Nigma. Nigma walks over to the DJ, and kicks him out and takes the over the beats.

But, before he can start two males walk down the street, singing there own tune.

(To the tune of 'Can I Get High')

Doc Comic: We meant to pick up the groceries
DIrishB: But we got high
Doc Comic: We meant to say hi to Mindi
DIrishB: But we got high
Doc Comic: I meant to photoshop a cover
DIrishB: But we got high
Both: We got high, we got high, we got high, dadada da da.

They realize what's going on, and slowing step off stage.

Entropy: Trophs!
Randoms: RANDOMS!
Entropy: TROPHS!
Randoms: RANDOMS!

Nigma looks shaken, doesn't know what to sing. He starts to shake, and E, realizing that Nigma is freezing, yerlls out to him.

E: WHITNEY HOUSTON!

Nigma latches on to that idea holds up the microphone, and brings it up to his mouth.

Nigma: AND IIIIIIII, O I! WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!!

Entropy: That high voice!
Random: I can't take it, Randoms! Let's move
Entropy: Trophs, let's get out of here.

The gangs clear. Nigma still is singing.

E: You did good kid, you did good.
Ice: They don't think I'm sexual.

---

Meanwhile in Amsterdam

Nurhachi, MWoF, and Fuzzy Birds are all hanging out in Amsterdam. They all start singing.

(To the tune of Toys R Us theme)

All:I don't wanna go home
I'm an Amsterdam cop
There's a million vices to enjoy and no crime to stop
From weed to booze
To prostitutes
It's the freest city on the block
(I rock!)
I don't wanna go home
Oh baby, til I drop
I wanna be an Amsterdam cop
More weed!
More hos!
Oh no!
I don't wanna go home
Oh baby, til I drop
I wanna be an Amsterdam cop
 

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