ProjectX2

Don't expect me to take you with me when I go to s
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The constant ringing of the phone forces my eyes open. Next to me Ernie still sleeps, snoring like a train. Nothing seems to faze him. I throw the blankets off my side of the bed and flick the light. I grab the phone.

“Yeah, Bert here.”

The voice on the other side informs me that there’s a murder and my partner and I need to get there now. There’s no point asking him where it is. I know where.

Sesame Street. The most dangerous place on earth.

I hang up the phone and nudge Ernie. I could say something cliché like how cute he is when he sleeps. But he’s not. I nudge him again. And then I hit him in the face.

“Wake up, you ***got!”

He fidgets and rubs his eyes.

“What’s wrong, Bert?”

I tell him. We get out of bed. We get dressed. And then we head out to Sesame Street.

sesamestreet.png

Ernie and I approach the police line in Sesame Street. Sure, we’re partners, both at work and in general. However, if you call either of us a ***got, I will kick your teeth in. Only I can call him that.

“Bert! Ernie! Over here!” Grover shouts at us from across the street. He shakes both of our hands. It’s like petting a cat.

“So, a murder?” Ernie asks.

“Yeah, you’re not gonna believe it.” He escorts my partner and I over to a black sheet in the middle of the road. He bends down and rips the sheet off.

All I see is red. It takes a moment for my eyes to adjust… it’s not blood. This is his natural colour. And that means it can only be one person…

But who the **** would want to kill Elmo?

Elmo is probably the only innocent guy living in Sesame Street. He’s only a kid, for Christ’s sake. He brought a light to the darkness that nobody could beat. And now he’s dead.

“Jesus. Elmo.” Ernie says.

Anger swells inside me. I want answers.

“Any witnesses?”

“Just the one.” Grover points. And I get even more angry.

Oscar the Grouch. This ****ing no good piece of trash is always getting involved in things that don’t belong to him. He just happened to see Elmo be murdered. Most likely he was stalking him waiting to kill him himself.

Ernie and I approach him. This is where we normally begin the good cop bad cop routine. Ernie is the good cop of course, and I am the bad cop. Because I am an evil bastard.

“I understand you witnessed this murder.” I begin.

“I’m not telling you nothing until I get something to eat!”

Of course. Oscar doesn’t do anything unless he benefits. I turn to Ernie.

“Go get him a donut, alright?”

Now for some alone time with my little friend here. I grab his dirty, furry jaw and force it against the brick wall.

“Now while my partner here goes and gets you a donut that you definitely don’t deserve, you are going to tell me everything you saw which involved little Elmo over there!”

“I didn’t see much, man, it was dark and I was just sitting here in the trash, minding my own business, when I see him walk past. He’s got this big bag on his back and stuff, and then I see this other guy, all in black, run up to him and just begins hitting him, right? And then Elmo falls and the guy takes the bag and runs.”

He’s sweating. Good.

“What did the guy look like?”

“I don’t know, it was dark… he was big. Kinda crazy looking.”

“Here’s your donut.”

My hands off Oscar’s jaw quick as a flash as Ernie hands him his donut. We turn around to leave when…

“****ing ***gots.”

I spin around. I slap the donut out of his hand just before he is about to scoff it down.

“Did I just hear what I think I did? Because I’m telling you now, if you just called me a ***got, then I’m going to kick your teeth in. If you called my friend Ernie here one, well, then I’m going to take my gun and I’m going to shoot you in the head. So, who were you talking to?”

“Nobody! Jesus!”

I point at the remains of the donut on the floor.

“Eat it off the ground, you useless piece of ****.”

I don’t need to watch to know he’s licking it off the ground as fast as he can. I can hear his tongue on the pavement. Disgusting. No wonder he lives in the trash. It’s where he belongs.

We return to Grover. Tell him how our only lead is a “big guy, kinda crazy.” In this city and in this street in particular, it could be anyone.

Grover suggests one guy we can go to. Every crime related activity goes through this guy. He’s the King of the Underworld. The Big Bird himself…

Less than an hour later we’re following Aloysius Snuffleupagus, Big Bird’s giant **** of a bodyguard as he escorts us to his boss’s main office.

He opens the door and we enter the room. Big Bird greets us enthusiastically. There are two other people in the room. One is Zoe, a prostitute, and one of Big Bird’s favourite girls. The other is The Count, Big Bird’s accountant and lawyer. He also counts the money for the mob, but you’ll never connect him to it.

“Could I interest any of you gents in this fine girl here before we begin?” He points to Zoe who smiles.

We both shake our heads.

“Oh right. I forgot you two were on the other side.”

I control my anger. Yellow prick. Zoe leaves the room while Big Bird and The Count simply stare at us.

“I presume you know why we’re here.” I say.

“Of course. I believe our little friend Elmo is dead.” Big Bird replies, no concern whatsoever in his face.

“I’d just like to point out that by calling Elmo his little friend, my client is not in any way or form implying that he is connected or associated with him or his murder.” The Count chimes in.

I look at him sarcastically.

“Right. All we want to know is if you’ve heard anything… if Elmo would have had any enemies?”

“And how would my client know this information?” The Count interrupts again.

“Big Bird, tell your dickhead lawyer here to shut his mouth or I’ll do it for him.” I’m not mucking around.

Big Bird turns to The Count. “Get out. You’re annoying the good police officers.”

The Count leaves the room.


“I’m sure he’s sucking me dry.”

Next to me Ernie giggles. Homosexual innuendo. Now he’s trying to piss me off.

“Listen, you big yellow ****. You’re going to tell me exactly what you know about Elmo and why anyone would want to kill him, and you’re going to tell me now!”

I slam my hand on his desk. He doesn’t even grimace.

“Well, I’m sure a lot of people would want to get at little Elmo. He’s not exactly the biggest **** you’ll come across, is he? As soon as you find out he’s carrying top quality product you know he won’t be able to stand a chance against you…”

Top quality product.

“Wait, what? Elmo’s a transporter?”

Big Bird’s face lights up in shock.

“You mean you didn’t know that? It’s the perfect plan. No one suspects a perfect little kid to be delivering drugs on the side.”

“No… I guess not. Ernie, note down that Big Bird here is aware of Elmo’s criminal activities and the drug trade in general…”

“Wait, I need my lawyer to be present if we’re going to be…”

“Unfortunately, you just sent your lawyer out of the room, remember?”

I smile. Now I’m the one manipulating him.

“So you can either tell me what Elmo was carrying or I can put you in prison and you can experience firsthand what gentlemen like Ernie or myself can do to you.”

“You’ll never connect me to anything.”

“I’m sure if I try hard enough I can. Especially with my latest investigations…”

It doesn’t take long for Big Bird to squeal. He doesn’t want me to start investigating him. He’ll tell me whatever I need to know to stop me from doing so. It doesn’t hurt him to not know I’ve been putting together a case since the first time I’ve met him and I’ve almost got enough information to take him down.

Ernie and I get everything we need. What Elmo was carrying, his buyers and sellers, the guys who need it the most… we go to exit the room and Big Bird asks a question.

“So, how are you two getting on with the seeing each other all day and then all night thing?”

I can’t be bothered insulting him. Instead I’ll just make my case against him first priority.

“Come on, Ernie. Let’s go.”

I know Ernie winks and gives Big Bird a thumbs up. Of course he isn’t that smart. But I don’t love him for what’s upstairs. I love him for what’s downstairs.

We’re soon back at police headquarters. I tell Grover the details and he pulls up a database. We begin to browse through the files of a bunch of guys who’ve had drug charges before… and finally one fits. He’s big. Kinda crazy. Addicted to all sorts of dangerous substances. And he’s met Elmo before.

“Bingo. Let’s go get the ****er.”

It doesn’t take long before we’re all geared up with the rest of the SWAT team and we’re running upstairs to reach the culprit’s apartment. I kick the door down and we enter the room. I pull out my gun and look around corners. Ernie’s got my back. We all lower our guns. There’s no need for them.

The floor is covered in all sorts of powers and syringes and pipes. Drugs are everywhere. This guy is a monster.

I see a furry blue arm rest on the couch. I run to it. Grab it, pull the guy off. He’s heavy. Half asleep. Stoned off his face. Cookie crumbs fall off him.

I force the Cookie Monster to the floor and handcuff him.

“You’re under arrest for the suspicion of murdering a little red drug mule and for being a big fat ****!”

He growls and mutters something about cookies. The SWAT guys drag him out.

Grover later congratulates both Ernie and I for the good job. Cookie Monster later confesses to the crime and we put another criminal behind bars. And now I’m just that much closer to putting Big Bird there too…

Later that night after Chinese takeout Ernie picked up, I climb into the cold bed. Ernie’s already lying there. I turn off the light and shut my eyes.

“Bert?”

“What, Ernie?”

“Do you want to cuddle?”

“**** off, you ***got.”

END.
 
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Scarecrow

Well-Known Member
Joined
Sep 28, 2006
Messages
106
The one day I check the shipping update threads, I find this.

I'm so glad I lurk once a month - I don't know if I could juggle the mad genius of **** like this.

Well done, sir.
 

Jaggyd

The member formerly known as skotti-chan
Joined
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Messages
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Location
Ohio
BWAHAHAHA!!!



Beautiful! I announce this thread and fic is made of win!
 

JonnyFreeze

Well-Known Member
Joined
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Location
uk
this was my favourite line. started things off really well

“What’s wrong, Bert?”

I tell him. We get out of bed. We get dressed. And then we head out to Sesame Street.
 

ProjectX2

Don't expect me to take you with me when I go to s
Joined
Sep 15, 2004
Messages
25,007
The one day I check the shipping update threads, I find this.

I'm so glad I lurk once a month - I don't know if I could juggle the mad genius of **** like this.

Well done, sir.

Thanks. I think that's a compliment.

BWAHAHAHA!!!



Beautiful! I announce this thread and fic is made of win!

It's official: this thread and fic are now made of win.

this was my favourite line. started things off really well

Cheers.

This was awesome, it reminds me of your Detective Chimp fic.

Hmm... Detective Chimp/Sesame Street crossover. Coming 2009.
 
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thee great one

Master of TOG-fu.
Joined
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Mormon Land.
The intro reminded me of the skit from Family Guy.

Homicide - Life On Sesame Street.

Cookie Monster should be a serial killer.
 

E

Moderator
Excelsior Club
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Messages
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This reminds me of this comic that a friend and I made in junior high called Nightmare on Sesame Street. It was beyond disgusting.
 

ProjectX2

Don't expect me to take you with me when I go to s
Joined
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Messages
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This reminds me of this comic that a friend and I made in junior high called Nightmare on Sesame Street. It was beyond disgusting.

Find it and show me.
 

E

Moderator
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Find it and show me.

I wish I could. My friend kept them.

We did 3 of them. I wrote the first one and it was relatively tame, but my friend was pretty sick - he did the 2nd and 3rd ones and I could barely read them.

I distinctly remember Grover getting gutted in his sleep, then waking up thinking he had **** his guts out. So he got a stick and stuffed them back in.

Yeah.
 

ProjectX2

Don't expect me to take you with me when I go to s
Joined
Sep 15, 2004
Messages
25,007
I wish I could. My friend kept them.

We did 3 of them. I wrote the first one and it was relatively tame, but my friend was pretty sick - he did the 2nd and 3rd ones and I could barely read them.

I distinctly remember Grover getting gutted in his sleep, then waking up thinking he had **** his guts out. So he got a stick and stuffed them back in.

Yeah.

I now understand where Millar got his ideas for The Unfunnies from.
 

compound

Well-Known Member
Joined
Feb 28, 2005
Messages
2,772
Location
Metro Manila, Philippines
I see your Sesame Street and raise you...

Frank Miller's All Star Super Grover

1173080421_JA0uvrY4BH.jpg


I did this for a comic anthology a few years back. It's been in the Gallery at my ComicSpace profile forever, but none of you ever commented on it.

This seemed like as good a thread as any to resurrect it.
 

Zombipanda

My Boom-Boom's mostly gay
Joined
Jan 31, 2006
Messages
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Location
Zoo Atlanta
Yeah. That Family Guy joke is the first thing I thought of too.

I hang up the phone and nudge Ernie. I could say something cliché like how cute he is when he sleeps. But he’s not. I nudge him again. And then I hit him in the face.

Heh... Funniest part of the story.

ProjectX2 said:
“Bert! Ernie! Over here!” Grover shouts at us from across the street. He shakes both of our hands. It’s like petting a cat.

if the cat's fur was sticky from long hours plying rough trade.

All in all, pretty funny stuff.

I see your Sesame Street and raise you...

Frank Miller's All Star Super Grover

1173080421_JA0uvrY4BH.jpg


I did this for a comic anthology a few years back. It's been in the Gallery at my ComicSpace profile forever, but none of you ever commented on it.

This seemed like as good a thread as any to resurrect it.

Heh... I love the dude peddling E.
 
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Jaggyd

The member formerly known as skotti-chan
Joined
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Messages
5,141
Location
Ohio
I'm so sorry.... I couldn't help it...




SuperGrover.jpg
 

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