Chapter 40 (The Avatars: The Movie)
ONE MONTH LATER
The United Nations
Kofi Annan: "We've got to escape!"
Russian Diplomat: "Breshuda ver jizkik?"
Kofi Annan whispers to the Russian diplomat, who whispers back to him. Except, it's really hard to whisper in Russian, what with all those hard consonants and all. It's a shame his translator's dead. He probably could help.
The table the two of them are hiding under is thrown clear away, by putrid, horrific soldiers of an unholy army. Pieces of them falling away, their limbs withered and lost to time, the only part of them truly remaining is a full set of teeth, locked into a permanent, yellow-boned smile. One of these horrid horrors is the Russian diplomat's translator.
Russian Diplomat: "Irbrashki! Irjak ir burbraka!"
The diplomat, in his loud-booming voice, scolds his now-deceased translator for betraying him to the enemy.
Kofi Annan: "I always knew I'd die due to multi-culturalism."
The unholy monsters pick up Kofi from the floor and held him to their lord and master…
SLIMJIM!
Slimjim, leader of the Death Knights and the undead armies, sitting nonchalantly in Kofi Annan's chair at the head of the tables in the main meeting hall of the United Nations, began flicking over the miniature flags of the various attending countries.
Kofi Annan is brought before him.
Kofi Annan: "I'm warning you, Slimjim! If you do not cease your attack on the United Nations, we will be forced to ask you to leave!"
Slimjim: "Listen up, coffee-man. I've taken out your security, you have no power wit' me, you un'erstand? I give the orders 'round here, fool."
Kofi Annan: "Whatever you want, Slimjim. Just let these people go."
Slimjim: "No, man. Nuh-uh. See, what I want - is 'these people'."
A smile goes ear to ear on Slimjim's face as he points at the many representatives of the United Nations. They, being held by Slimjim's many minions, become paralytic with fear. Was this the end for them, for the entire United Nations? For the world?
"LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOY!"
Out of the portal high up into the centre of the huge meeting hall, fall our heroes, our friends, our icons - our AVATARS!
Nurhachi, sealed in his blood-skin carapace, is the first to be flung into the fray. He lands onto a table, bellowing "Leeroy" as he sticks out both his hands. Each finger and thumb becomes a sharp tendril, each pinning a zombie to the walls.
Irish_4204, one of Slimjim's Death Knights, begins to draw breath for his sonic scream, but as he draws, the air begins to condense and harden - and freeze. He falls to the floor, grasping at the huge chunk of ice buried deep within his throat.
Icemastertron: "Ice to see you."
The Man Without Fear: "Get another catchphrase!"
The Man Without Fear yells from across the room, as he horse-vaults over one zombie, and blowing the legs off three others with his ruby-coloured eye blasts.
The various trees from outside begin pushing their branches through the windows, smashing glass, and circling round the terrified UN representatives.
DIrishB: "It's all okay, guys."
The zombies continue to punch and claw and bite at the wall of trees that is barricading them from DIrishB and the representatives.
BOOM!
Shards of glass and brick and mortar smash against the wall of trees, tearing it down - though it did it's job, the representatives and DIrishB, cut a bit and cowering, are pretty much unharmed.
Ultimate Gambit: "You're in the way, DIrishB!"
Looking up at the big hole where there was once a wall, seeing Ultimate Gambit from across the floor of exploded zombie parts, DIrishB shakes his head.
DIrishB: "'In the way'?! A wall just blew up in my face!"
Ultimate Gambit: "I was fine, my friend. I didn't need your help, but thanks anyway!"
Dumbfounded, DIrishB just stares at Ultimate Gambit as he uses his staff to pole-vault across tables blowing up zombies with explosive playing cards - CRAK-BANG! Across his chin, DIrishB feels both an explosion and a punch, as he is launched across the room, into the tables, knocking them over, lying battered, cut, and bruised on the floor.
Thee Great One looms over DIrishB, cracking his rusted knuckles. Despite being mostly covered in metal, Thee Great One, like all of Slimjim's zombies, was still in decay.
Thee Great One: "Impressed, DiB? I can localise my body's explosions right from my fist into your face."
DIrishB: "Interesting. I can localise my foot into your balls."
And with one swift kick, Thee Great One, falls to the floor, gurgling.
Icemastertron: "Guys? There's a lot more of them coming."
Icemastertron points towards the hole that was once a wall at a marching army of the dead, coming across the estate lawn, heading for them.
The Man Without Fear: "We need to get these representatives out of here!"
Slimjim: "Don't even try it, you hoes. I ruled this world once, I'll rule it aga…"
Slimjim, no doubt had more to say, but he never got a chance as he gets clocked in the jaw by Project X2's very large, sedimentary hand.
With Slimjim out, the zombies begin to collapse en masse, except for Irish_4204, still struggling with the ice in his throat, and Thee Great One who… well, let's hope he never wanted children anyway.
Kofi Annan: "Thank you, Avatars…"
Kofi Annan begins his speech of gratitude, but he is interrupted…
ProjectX2: "I told you guys! Take out Slimjim first, and the rest drop!"
Nurhachi: "Oh! Not another one of your old-man plans."
ProjectX2: "It's called 'experience'."
Slimjim: "Yo' got lucky this time, Avatars!"
Nurhachi: "The 'Leeroy' plan worked."
The Man Without Fear: "Yeah, yeah it did. Next time? Perhaps you TELL US about it beforehand?"
ProjectX2: "Exactly. And shouting 'Leeroy' and punching people isn't a plan. I come up with plans. That's why I'm in charge."
The Man Without Fear: "Wow! I have a new power! I can turn invisible! Isn't that amazing?"
ProjectX2: "Hey, I just came up with a new plan. It's called 'The Guy Who Was Hit With A Flying Television'. You want to see how it works?"
Nurhachi: "Does it take seventeen BILLION years to explain?"
DIrishB: "Guys, calm it down. We saved the day. That's all that matters."
Slimjim: "Yo', yo' hear me, fools? Lucky! You stopped me THIS time!"
Ultimate Gambit: "I think we need to work more on not getting in each other's way."
DIrishB: "Don't blow things up."
Ultimate Gambit: "I go where the boom takes me."
Slimjim: "It's true! I was gonna kill all the world leaders and reanimate them as my own Death Knights. Make myself world leader! Without anyone knowin'!"
Icemastertron: "Hey! I'm the only one here who isn't an *******! So why don't you all just shut up!"
The Man Without Fear: "Amazing! Ice just grew a pair!"
Icemastertron: "Yeah? Walk in a straight line and touch your nose."
The Man Without Fear: "You counting now? Do I need permission?"
Icemastertron: "No, you don't need permission. All you need is a new liver."
Slimjim: "Whazzat? 'Won't people know the difference between a human and a zombie?' Glad you asked, because the answer is that people are that brain dead! They'd never notice!"
The Man Without Fear: "Months I've been living with you, and you're STILL a tight-***."
DIrishB: "I can't wait for when you finally take a dump and that rod comes flying out your ***!"
Icemastertron: "I'm getting character advice from a raging alcoholic and a drug addict?"
DIrishB: "Weed's not a drug."
Icemastertron: "Interesting how you disagree with SCIENCE!"
Slimjim: "There ain't no way to prove a man is different from a zombie, y'know?"
Ultimate Gambit: "It's this kind of bickering that makes me want to leave this team, and go solo!"
Nurhachi: "Oh great. It's the 'I'm leaving' skit again."
Slimjim: "We're just leaving now. I'll be back and next time, I'll liquefy your torsos.
You got that?"
Ultimate Gambit: "This time I mean it!"
Nurhachi: "I think the next line is, 'that's it. I'm going!' Man, you're more repetitive than Proj."
ProjectX2: "Wrestling's fake, dumbass."
Nurhachi: "Son of a *****!"
The Avatars continue to argue and yell and shout at each other. Which is never the thing a hero should do when you have yet to properly subdue the villains.
Using the microphone system, Kofi Annan manages to get the attention of the Avatars.
Kofi Annan: "Avatars, we have much to thank you for. You stopped Slimjim, and you saved our lives. And even though Slimjim got away, you have our gratitude… And one wish."
ProjectX2: "Excuse me?"
Kofi Annan: "A wish. You did know that didn't you?"
The Man Without Fear: "Know what?"
Kofi Annan: "If you save the lives of all the representatives of the United Nations you get any one wish that it is within our power to grant."
ProjectX2: "Really?"
Kofi Annan nods. The Avatars huddle together, what should they wish for?
DIrishB: "An end to famine?"
ProjectX2: "How about more funding for medical research?"
Nurhachi: "Eliminating third world debt? I could move back to South Africa."
Icemastertron: "Revamp the education system? It's a shambles."
The Man Without Fear: "Those are all good suggestions…"
Ultimate Gambit: "I've got it!"
Ultimate Gambit turns to Kofi Annan and states the wish.
Ultimate Gambit: "We wish for a huge budget blockbuster movie be made - about US!"
Kofi Annan just looks at them. The Avatars look at each other. Smiles spread across their faces.
Nurhachi: "Oh, dude, that ROCKS!"
When the site Ultimate Central began giving people incredible abilities, its creator, Ultimate E created a team of heroes to bring justice to the world and deal with the astounding effects of the site. That team rebelled against Ultimate E and dedicated themselves to protecting Earth from all superhuman threats. They are the Avatars.
~ NURHACHI PRESENTS ~
ULTIMATE CENTRAL
THE FANFIC
"THE AVATARS: THE MOVIE"
Volume 6, Issue 40, By Bass
The Avatars roll call
DIrishB - recreational marijuana user and historical mastermind, he has the power to control plantlife and vegetation
Icemastertron - the team's secretary and accountant, who needs to use his ice control powers in order to finance the Avatar's binging
Nurhachi - arguably the possessor of the strangest superpower of all - prehensile blood - he is the team's moral and artistic compass
ProjectX2 - the rock-skinned old-timer who's random thought patterns make him a terrific lateral thinker and strategist
The Man Without Fear - the team's maverick leader, with heighetened senses, capable of powerful energy blasts from his eyes
Ultimate Gambit - decisive, repentant, and hedonistic hero who has the disconcerting power to make anything he touches explode
Ultimate Central
Icemastertron: "Guys, MWOF and I found this guy, and he wants to join the team. We think he'd be a good addition. Please welcome, Tog!"
Tog walks into the main lobby of the UC mansion, and was met by the Avatars. They each shake his hand and welcome him to their team.
Except for DIrishB, who just stands there, his jaw wide open, pointing at Tog in disbelief.
DIrishB: "He's Thee Great One!"
Icemastertron: "What?"
DIrishB: "Look at him! He's Thee Great One! His skin is rusting metal!"
Tog: "It's a skin condition."
DIrishB: "And being dead? Is that a skin condition too?"
Nurhachi: "That's not cool, DIrishB."
Tog: "Listen to your friends, DiB. It's not fair to pick on the new guy."
ProjectX2: "We're glad to have you with us."
DIrishB: "DiB?! DIB?! Only Thee Great One calls me DiB!"
Tog: "Gee, I don't know who this Thee Great One is, but he sounds great."
DIrishB: "You see!"
Nurhachi: "Stop picking on the newbie, man."
DIrishB: "But… look at him! He's wearing an 'I :heart: breathing' t-shirt!"
Tog: "Who doesn't like breathing? There's nothing I enjoy more than breathing."
Tog then starts taking very forced deep inhalations, then very forced and deep exhalations.
DIrishB: "He's putting it on! That's not real breathing! The t-shirt is even spelt wrong! It says 'I :heart: breething'!"
The Man Without Fear: "Look, I saw this guy fight zombies. He's nothing like TGO."
DIrishB: "Oh really? What's his power?"
Tog: "I have these Atomo-gloves that I built. They allow me to localise small explosions into people's faces."
DIrishB: "That's what TGO does! He was bragging about it during the fight! Remember? He localised his bombs into my face, I localised my foot into his balls?"
Ultimate Gambit: "Yeah! That was a good line."
Icemastertron: "I've said better."
Tog: "NO! That was no 'good line'! It was a horrible insult from a FFFFFFFFFFILTHY LIVING HUMAN! HORRIBLE!"
The Avatars begin to purse their brows, and study Tog a little more. Could DIrishB be right? Could Tog be Thee Great One in disguise as a superhero with atomic gloves?
Tog: "Oh, DiB is just paranoid because of all the marijuana. And cannabis."
Icemastertron: "Oh, of course! That explains everything."
Tog: "Yes it does. Too much marijuana and cannabis."
DIrishB: "They're the same thing!"
Tog: "See?"
The Man Without Fear: "Yeah, DiB, you should stop. Just do marijuana OR cannabis. Not both. It's like alcohol. You just don't mix it up, y'know?"
DIrishB: "They're the same thing!"
Nurhachi: "Man, you've got it BAD."
DIrishB glares at Tog, as if to say, "I'm going to kill you." Tog just grins back, smugly.
Ultimate Gambit skips in, his eyes lighting up like a kid.
Ultimate Gambit: "Guys…. The limo's here!"
Nurhachi: "HOLLYWOOD!"
The Man Without Fear: "Okay, Tog. You wait here in the mansion, and we'll be back soon."
DIrishB: "WHAT?!"
ProjectX2: "Look after the place alright?"
DIrishB: "No! You fools! He'll destroy the mansi..!"
Grabbing DIrishB, the Avatars teleport to the limo.
Tog, remained in the mansion.
Smiling.
Hollywood
The Avatars, in the limo, scratch their heads, bite their nails, and adjust their tuxes. Project X2, was extremely nervous with all the attention.
ProjectX2: "Jesus Christ. Look at the size of that crowd."
Ultimate Gambit had his faced pressed up against the window, drooling.
Ultimate Gambit: "Jesus Christ! Look at the size of that crowd!"
Frederik Fufenmeier: "Thanks Clark. As you can see here, the crowd is not only huge, it is ecstatic! Everyone here cannot wait to meet the Avatars. I'm Frederik 'Ultimate Warrior' Fufenmeier, and you're watching Planet News! We have just received confirmation that the Avatars have indeed teleported (or is that transported?) themselves into the limousine that is just coming round the corner now. I tell you, I've been to Hollywood many times, I've met the Avatars, but never have I seen such a crowd as this - Listen to them! Haha. Can you believe that? They're really going for it! The Avatars have never been so popular as they are now, on this warm summer night, and I'm sure that everyone, and I mean everyone, can't wait to see this film that's going to be made. It should be amazing, Clark!"
The limo pulls up - and out step the Avatars. Nurhachi acts like a wrestler entering the squared circle. 'Rocking out', is the appropriate term. DIrishB forces a smile, continually thinking of ways in which 'Tog' could be destroying the mansion. Project X2 puts on his best face to hide his embarrassment. The Man Without Fear strolls forward, his arms outstretched, like some returning rock god. Ultimate Gambit waves, and blows kisses to the beautiful women in the crowd (and let's face it, Ultimate Gambit is hardly the most picky of men), and signing their autographs - with his tongue. The man was on form. Icemastertron puts his arms around DIrishB and Project X2 and walks them both down the soft red carpet on the floor leading the team to the giant and brightly-lit podium.
They stand proud, up on the podium, the cameras pointing at them, and the people cheer. The Avatars look at each other, and see the value of their lives reflected in the crowds. They are loved. They are heroes.
It is a good night.
James Sholl: "The Avatars, ladies and gentlemen!"
The crowd applauded.
James Sholl: "It is with great honor and pride, that I announce, as chief executive producer, that The Avatars: The Movie has been given the green light!"
It is a good night.
During That Week
Icemastertron
Frederik Fufenmeier: "Welcome back! You are watching Planet News in progress, with your host, Frederik Fufenmeier. And I'm here intervieweing a very special guest, Icemastertron of the superhero team, The Avatars. Icemastertron, before we went to the break, I asked you a question, now are you willing to tell us the answer?"
Icemastertron: "I can't remember the question."
The audience laughs.
Frederik Fufenmeier: "You are a coy one, I'll give you that. Now, give. How did you people get your super powers?"
Icemastertron: "I dunno if I should…"
The audience eggs Icemastertron on.
Frederik Fufenmeier: "Was it a radioactive animal? Are you aliens? An experiment gone wrong? People want to know! Hell, I'm sure there's a bunch of people who want to get powers the same way!"
Icemastertron: "That's what I'm worried about!"
The audience laughs.
Icemastertron looks around, trying to come up with something plausible but wouldn't reveal the arbitrary nature of Ultimate Central's powers.
Icemastertron: "Well, I can't go into the details, I'm afraid. But, what I can say is this: We got our powers from a dying alternate universe."
Frederik Fufenmeier: "Really?"
Icemastertron: "Yes. It is the bizarre energy forces from that alternate universe that gives us, and our enemies like Slimjim or the Cabinet, their powers."
Frederik Fufenmeier: "Didn't the Cabinet break up?"
Icemastertron: "Last I heard, they were being led by a crab, called Compound. I guess they should call it the 'Crabinet' huh? Ahahhahhhhah."
The audience laughs - politely.
Frederik Fufenmeier: "So this is true for all these supermen that have popped up over recent times? Ultimate Howde?"
Icemastertron: "Houde. Ultimate Houde."
Frederik Fufenmeier: "Houde, sorry, yes."
Icemastertron: "Tog is different. Tog's powers are completely to do with these Atomo-Gloves he built that allow him to create small, localised explosions. It's quite impressive."
Frederik Fufenmeier: "He should sell them to the military!"
Icemastertron: "That's what I've been telling him! But Nurhachi keeps telling him not to 'sell out'. Annoying."
Frederik Fufenmeier: "Yes, is it true there is a growing schism in the Avatars? Nurhachi particularly…"
Icemastertron: "Nurhachi's been acting strange ever since James Sholl rejected his screenplay. He became head of the Writer's Guild of America and walks around with a copy of The Communist Manifesto. He's gone crazy."
Frederik Fufenmeier: "Nurhachi claims your advertising…"
Icemastertron: "No. Not advertising. I'm sponsored. Like an athlete or sports team. I'm sponsored."
Frederik Fufenmeier: "Well, I can tell just by looking at you. A pepsi armband, a MacDonald's tie, a Gap shirt, Starbucks shoes, and - a coca-cola badge? Coca-cola and pepsi?"
Icemastertron: "Can you believe that stupid team of mine calls me a sell-out?"
Nurhachi
Nurhachi: "I won't sell out."
James Sholl: "This is a production meeting. You're not even supposed to be here."
Nurhachi: "The contract states that I can have creative input into the film."
James Sholl: "Have you brought the entire Writer's Guild of America with you?"
Inside the spacious office, space was at a premium, as Nurhachi has brought hundreds of screenwriters with him. A superhero Karl Marx confronting… whoever it was that Karl Marx hated.
Nurhachi: "I represent their interests."
James Sholl: "Your script - it's unfeasible to produce. You can't make a five and a half hour film in one take with no cuts."
Nurhachi: "I never said it would be easy."
James Sholl: "It's impossible financially. You couldn't create these sets."
Nurhachi: "Well of course not."
James Sholl: "… For this film, were you expecting us to actually find Atlantis?"
Nurhachi: "We're making art."
James Sholl: "We're not doing any pre-production work until the budget is sorted out. Something Icemastertron is kindly helping us with."
Nurhachi: "By whoring himself to corporations?!"
James Sholl: "We are getting the cash we need to do this project."
Nurhachi: "I already told you. If you let us play ourselves, you can cut a lot out of the special effects budget."
James Sholl: "All good films are 54% CGI."
Nurhachi: "Fine. We have tons of money. $400 million at last count. Why haven't we started even getting script approval or cast members? How can you know how much money you need until the script is done? Just what are you waiting for, Sholl? Just how much money do you need?"
James Sholl: "What was that about the holocaust?"
Nurhachi: "I didn't say anything about the holocaust."
James Sholl: "Are you saying it's not important?"
Nurhachi: "What?"
James Sholl: "Anti-semite!"
Nurhachi: "No, I'm not!"
James Sholl: "Oh, you must be one of those covert-covert-anti-semites. You don't even know that you are, but you are."
Nurhachi: "I'm sorry!"
James Sholl: "You're forgiven. Now, what were we talking about?"
Nurhachi: "Er… um…"
James Sholl: "You haven't forgotten, have you?"
Nurhachi: "No! Ah…"
Nurhachi looks around at his fellow writers, who are all drawing blanks. It's as though the emotional resonance of the Jewish holocaust of the second world war was so powerful, it had wiped their minds of the previous ten minutes.
James Sholl: "Was it about parking?"
Nurhachi: "Yes! Yes it was. We demand more parking spaces."
James Sholl: "But you have teleporters that transport you across the globe instantaneously. You don't need parking spaces."
Nurhachi: "Oh… you're right. Sorry."
James Sholl: "No problem at all."
Nurhachi and the writers sheepishly leave the meeting room.
James Sholl: "Works everytime."
The Man Without Fear
It's early. That's how late it is. It's so late, it's early. It's 4am. The Avatars are asleep, crashed out in the hotel they've been allowed to stay in.
Except for The Man Without Fear. Who is riding a motorcycle as fast as he can. Because he's being chased by every paparazzi in Hollywood.
The Man Without Fear: "I gave you Ice!"
Flash bulbs continue to go off.
The Man Without Fear: "Ice in the shower! Ice naked! What more do you people want!?"
Somehow, one paparazzi had managed to get onto the backseat of the motorcycle and began to take photos of The Man Without Fear's neck.
Enraged, The Man Without Fear pushes the paparazzi off his bike. He is crushed by the onslaught of paparazzi mini-vans and cards that followed. No one will ever shed a tear.
The Man Without Fear had managed to hold onto the paparazzi's flash bulb. Pointing it behind him, he takes flash photos in an attempt to disorientate his pursuers.
A lifetime of flash photography made them immune.
The Man Without Fear: "I loved you! You were my posse! How dare you turn on me like this!"
Desperate for sleep, for time away from these vultures of cultures, the Man Without Fear realises that the paparazzi behind him are not prepared for off-road.
Neither is he. But then, he is the man without fear.
The Man Without Fear swerves his motorcycle off the road and down the green hills adoring the spiralling freeway. Cutting cross country, he reaches the bottom of the hills, a good forty minute drive, in just two minutes. He was free.
But he forgets about the helicopters.
Bright lights from above beamed down onto The Man Without Fear's brow. With his superhuman senses, he can feel the heat of the lights, burning at his skin. Hear the incessant cries of "What a scoop!" - photographing parrots everyone of them. There was a time when he embraced the paparazzi as his tools for what now seem to be childish fraternity pranks. But like so many pranks, it had backfired and now The Man Without Fear was The Man Without Freedom, surrounded by paparazzi. He can hear those he thought he had lost coming down the hills. He imagines this is what it must be like to be in debt to the mob. At least his ruby sunglasses are protecting his superhuman eyesight from the flashes. Not that he ever really got to use those super eyes for anything more than blasting people. It's strange what goes through one's mind when facing the end. For some inexplicable reason, The Man Without Fear can only think of the moon.
The paparazzi's cameras kept flashing. The cars kept coming. Don't they ever run out of film? The cars came round the corner. How they made the trip in five minutes is a mystery the Man Without Fear will never know the answer to.
He knows not what to do. So he does the one thing he could think of - he rides.
The Man Without Fear revs his motorcycle and just let go - as fast as he's even been. He knows he can't escape them. He had left his transporter in his hotel room as he hurried out, chased by the paparazzi. He can't outrun them. By God, but he'll do something. One thing. So he just rode.
He feels a poking in his back.
It is a telescopic lense! He reaches round and grabs it, and flings it to the side.
BOOM!
As van hit car hit van, many paparazzi are immolated. Their last words? "What a scoop!"
Suddenly, a large object falls beside him, almost knocking him over. He looks down to his right, and scraping along the floor is a paparazzi. He must have just jumped out of the helicopter. One hand holds onto the bike. The other takes photos of The Man Without Fear. "What a scoop!" is all he says.
The Man Without Fear: "**** off!"
The Man Without Fear drives through into a long, winding tunnel. He moves the motorcycle up against the right wall. Sparks flew as metal grinds on concrete. He looks down. The paparazzi was gone.
But lights to the side of him. Half a dozen motorcycle driving paparazzis surround, taking photos in the tunnel. Even with sunglasses, the flash lights bouncing off the tunnel walls are too much for The Man Without Fear's super eyes, and his vision becomes blurry, seeing spots. He finds it hard to concentrate. His head aches. Could this be his end?
Paparazzi: "What a scoop!"
Clutching on the left side of the bike! The same one! The one he thought he just grinded to death! The Man Without Fear's blood began to boil. He drives his motorcycle towards the other side of the tunnel, but in his haste… he crashes into the wall.
The helicopters, outside the tunnel, see the flames and wreckage come out of the tunnel's exit.
The Man Without Fear is dead.
What a scoop!
Project X2
ProjectX2: "Death. What lies beyond that grim door? Redemptions and rewards? Damnation and punishments? Oblivion and nothingness? Few people claim to truly know with certainty the secrets of this particular aspect of our futures.
"Death has been much on our minds of late, since we lost my old colleague from my days as an Avatar - The Man Without Fear (Peace be upon him). Part of me is saddened to see him go. The part of me that misses his drunken ramblings; his playful destruction of Icemastertron's life reminded me of those times, decades ago, when I too lived with such flights of fancy. Who can forget how he bravely fought Slimjim and his Death Knights when they took over the world? He liberated the planet single-handedly.
"Death often has a way of humbling people, bringing them down to earth and make them appreciate the small things in their lives that bring them pleasure. It makes them honest. And that honesty brings them success.
"Hollywood, has been kind to me. I know it was not so kind to begin with. When I proved the fallacy of scientology, many were outraged. Many attempted to sue. Of course, those people soon became friends and followers.
"And in the final analysis, I must say that I am happy to call Hollywood my home. And I am not the only one.
"In honour of my fallen friend, I present to you, the star of the Man Without Fear's (peace be upon him) favourite sitcom, 'Hello Meg, It's Jon', Mister James Lee."
James Lee: "Thank you Project X2 for such a warm welcome. People, Project X2 is more than just a superhero. We've seen how superheroes can fall from grace. I, and many of my Hollywood colleagues such as Tom Cruise and John Travolta, invite you, for a minute fee of $100 as an initial acolyte membership, into the life and soul changing world of the 'Project of Life'. Like us, you can learn the language of the future, 1337sp3@k, and understand the machine of creation. It won't just change your life - it will upgrade it."
ProjectX2: "You can start your path onto life 2.0 by simply calling the number you see at the bottom of the screen. I know some critics, even my former teammates, have claimed that the sudden rush of attention in these past few days have gone to my head, but I assure you, that is not the case. I have simply unzipped the hard disk of creation, viewed all its files, and copied it all to my clipboard. All you need to do is 'paste'. Life 2.0 can be yours, just join the 'Project of Life' and be like my good friend James Lee, wealthy, handsome and successful. All your problems are simply due to bad formatting, and I can help with that. Life 2.0. The 'Project of Life'. I look forward to your interface."
Ultimate Gambit
"The night is hot as hell. Everything sticks." Ultimate Gambit thinks to himself. "It's a lousy room in a lousy part of a lousy town. The air conditioner's a clanking piece of junk that couldn't keep a drink cold if you sat it right on top of it." He half opens his eyes, but his ears remain shut. He looks up across the bed, and sees what, last night and a few bottles of vodka earlier, looked like the perfect woman. The goddess. "Goldie" hethinks, "She says her name is Goldie."
Goldie: "Hey, Gamby! You're on tee-vee!"
Scratching his unkempt stubble, and his paunchy gut that told the cautionary story of 'too much of a good thing', opens his eyes and ears, and tries to focus on the tube.
The lights dazzle, move in incoherent patterns. It hurts. He shakes it off and tries again. He focuses - he focuses.
News Reporter: "We repeat: This news network just received many above top-secret classified files that prove undeniably that Ultimate Gambit has murdered at least two people - 'Patriot' and 'The Captain'. Believed to be the same 'The Captain' of the religious martyrdom cult, 'The Captain's Sensation'."
Ultimate Gambit: "Oh, ****."
News Reporter: "It comes as little surprise to many of Hollywood's nightlife enthusiast's who have had to put up with Ultimate Gambit's desperate attempts to become a 'player' in social circles. His hedonistic lifestyle 'not only robbed him of his looks, but of his worth as a human being' said one superpowered being who wishes to remain anonymous. While some supporters of Ultimate Gambit claim that his slippery slide down the rocks of life are due to the loss of The Man Without Fear due to a vehicular accident in a tunnel involving paparazzi, those who gather every day around the Memorial Without Fear tell a different story. One particularly vocal supporter simply said, 'The Man Without Fear was The Man With Our Hearts. Ultimate Gambit is the worst one. Why couldn't you die instead, your worthless sack of crap?!' Harsh words, but it would seem, entirely appropriate."
All of a sudden, something outside screams. "Coming this way" Ultimate Gambit thinks. "Cops… no time to hide. No point in playing good citizen, either. Hollywood cops have had their hands on me before. No reason at all to play it quiet. No reason to play it any way but my way."
Policeman: "OPEN UP! POLICE!"
Ultimate Gambit: "I'll be right out, mon ami."
BOOM! SKREKKK! KOK!
The door to the apartment blew open, taking three policemen in riot gear with machineguns with it.
The other dozen policemen shoot at Ultimate Gambit as he dives off the landing and down the stairwell.
A few days ago, he could have caught hold of a banister, flipped himself round onto a safe landing on another floor, run down the corridor and jumped out of the window to freedom.
But this is not a few days ago.
And Ultimate Gambit is hung over.
He just plummets to the bottom of the stairwell. Groaning, he gets up and carries himself out onto the street.
He sees a police car headed right towards him. The bright lights - the blaring sirens. It is just annoying.
A few days ago, he could have jumped onto the bonnet, kicked out the windscreen, punched both police officers out and driven the car to safety.
But this is not a few days ago.
And Ultimate Gambit… let's be kind to him. We'll just say he's 'heavy'.
He jumps onto the bonnet, but is unable to lift his legs. He slides across the bonnet, and rolls off the side, as the police car swerves and stops.
"They never let me put my hands in Sunset Boulevard" Ultimate Gambit ruminates as blood trickles from his mouth onto the floor and the policemen behind him yell orders at him to surrender. "I don't know why. By now there's two dozen cops behind me, waiting for me to stand up so they can blast my face to kingdom come. I have to have my hands in the floors of Hollywood. Anywhere in Hollywood."
Ultimate Gambit places his hands down on the floor, spreading them out like a movie star.
The ground rumbles. It shakes. An explosion reverberates through the streets. Windows shatter. Neon signs burst. Gas mains pop. Floor, cement, brick, and mortar crumble. Car alarms blare endlessly into the night. People scream. The police left standing walk up to him in the smoke and put Ultimate Gambit's arms behind his back, slap the cuffs on and read him his rights. But Ultimate Gambit is not listening. He just talks to himself in his thoughts.
"It's beautiful, Goldie. It's perfect. It's just like I promised only better." He says to himself. "It's not quick or quiet. No, it's loud and nasty. My kind of celebration. I stare the floor and I laugh."
Ultimate Gambit: "I'M A STAR!"
DIrishB
DIrishB: "I'm DIrishB, and I welcome you to this exclusive live podcast. The question on everyone's lips is, 'Who leaked the information on Ultimate Gambit to the media? Who is the Avatars traitor?'. We've had poll upon poll, manifesto upon manifesto, and you're all ****ing wrong. And the dip**** police can blow me like a balloon. Their practical response was to watch every episode of Law & Order: Criminal Intent to get 'clues'.
"You all know nothing. Especially those 99% of you who claim I'm the traitor. It doesn't make sense! Why would I betray my own team?! Oh, I know there's a bunch of you who think I've gone Fight Club crazy and don't even know I'm doing it. There's even METALLIC fingerprints on the documents given to the media. Yet people rule this out because some people said, 'I don't think that looks metallic to me'. It's RUST people! Rust! I don't have rusty fingerprints! But 'Tog' does.
"That's right, 'Tog'. The newbie. The lovable guy who enjoys life so much. He's a zombie Death Knight called Thee Great One and he's had access to the Ultimate Central mansion for a week. He accessed our files and leaked Ultimate Gambit's history when he was being MIND-CONTROLLED by the evil (and now very dead) Caduceus. Remember when he helped save the world from Slimjim? Despite what your revisionist history states, that's not true. I know history. Here's a timeline I made - I like timelines - showing that Ultimate Gambit, along with Caduceus and The Man Without Fear, saved the world from Slimjim. It was far from 'single-handed'.
"No one believes me… but oh, boy. You're going too. See? This is The Man Without Fear's tra… will you stop saying 'Peace Be Upon Him' everytime I say his name? It's as bad as when people say 'w00tz0rz' everytime I say Project X2's nam… goddamit. Listen right, I have… that fearless person's transporter. So now, I'm going to take this podcast to the Ultimate Central mansion and you can see just how right I am, and how unbelievably wrong you are."
With that, DIrishB presses the transporter and arrives instaneously with the podcast crew in the Ultimate Central mansion.
DIrishB: "Okay, people, we're entering Ultimate Central. Now, I warn you, Thee Great One, 'Tog', has probably destroyed most of it. Prepare yourselves for… baking?"
As DIrishB leads the podcast crew into the mansion, instead of widespread destruction, he sees the place uncharacteristically clean. And then there is the faint smell of fresh baking.
Tog: "Hello, fellow living beings. I have made mookies."
DIrishB: "What the hell is a mookie?"
Tog: "It's a muffin and a cookie. Try one."
DIrishB knocks the plate to floor.
DIrishB: "No! They're probably poisoned with some kind of zombie poison! I hope you're getting all this!"
Tog: "Oh, this again. DiB, I don't know why you keep doing this. I mean, I just want to be a hero. Like you guys. You're my idols. It's all I've ever wanted. Fight the good fight. Beat the bad guys. Be a real hero. One day, maybe have someone just say to me, 'You did good, Tog.' Just even a 'thank you'. I just wanted to bet let into the team. To help you fight evil villains. I spent the whole week cleaning this place up while you guys were partying with Hollywood's elite, I spent the morning baking… I… I just want to be a hero. Like you."
The podcast crew begin weeping uncontrollably.
DIrishB: "He's LYING! Can no one else smell the MEAT?!"
Tog: "The only thing you can smell is the smell of baked love into mookies, now strewn across the once-clean carpeted floor."
DIrishB: "Give me those glasses!"
Tog: "Hey, I need those to see!"
DIrishB holds Tog's glasses up to the camera.
DIrishB: "Look at these glasses closely. Perhaps they have some kind of hypnotic powers that I'm immune to for some reason."
DIrishB stamps on the glasses.
DIrishB: "Look at his apron!"
Tog: "What?"
DIrishB: "It says, 'Being alive rocks'."
Tog: "Doesn't it though?"
DIrishB: "People don't talk like that!"
Tog: "I think it's a shame, DiB, that you are unable to truly enjoy your own existence."
DIrishB runs over to Tog and pulls from behind his apron… a heart!
DIrishB: "Look! He's stuffing a cow's heart to cover up the fact that he's undead!"
Tog: "Ack! You've stolen my heart…"
Tog collapsed to the floor, grasping at his chest, and pulling himself across the floor.
The camera men, and those watching the live podcast, including Frederik Fufenmeier, gasp in horror.
Frederik Fufenmeier: "Oh my God! DIrishB just murdered Tog!"
DIrishB: "He been dead always!"
Frederik Fufenmeier: "He pulled Tog's heart right out of his chest!"
DIrishB: "It's a dog's toy!"
DIrishB squeezes the heart and it makes a squeaky noise. But no one notices because in Tog's final death throes, he reaches up, and opens the door to DIrishB's room. Which is filled with marijuana. And cannabis. And a big sign saying, "DIrishB is the traitor."
DIrishB: "Oh, balls."
One would hope DIrishB would enjoy the next three hundred years in prison.
The Last Avatar
Frederik Fufenmeier: "It's been a hell of a week, hasn't it?"
Icemastertron: "It sure has."
Frederik Fufenmeier: "The trials of both Ultimate Gambit and DIrishB had to have been the quickest trials I've ever seen."
Icemastertron: "It has been a rough week. Nurhachi resigned from the team due to 'creative differences'."
Frederick Fufenmeier: "This would be when the Avatars toy line was released and he was a pokemon that had some kind of razor blade attack."
Icemastertron: "Exactly. He's really become stuck up, you know. Wears nothing but hemp. I think he's 90% recyclable or something. And then Project X2…"
Frederik Fufenmeier: "W00tz0rz."
Icemastertron: "… quit to head up his 'Project of Life' bull. As you say, DIrishB and Ultimate Gambit are in prison. Tog's dead. So is The Man Without Fear…"
Frederik Fufenmeier: "Peace be upon him."
Icemastertron: "… and I suppose I am the last Avatar left."
Frederik Fufenmeier: "And isn't Project X2 (w00tz0rz) trying to sue you for using the name 'Avatar' as he claims he invented the team name in the first place?"
Icemastertron: "Oh, he thinks 0 is a vowel. He's completely lost touch with reality. Thankfully, my life isn't upside down at all."
Frederik Fufenmeier: "I thought you got into financial troubles when you stopped getting advertising deals?"
Icemastertron: "I'm still being SPONSORED. It's true with the loss of some certain brand names, I was hurt slightly, but The Cooking Bra company has been a real help."
Frederik Fufenmeier: "But what about the four different reality tv shows? The failed marriages? The fallen through record deal? And the rumour that the Avatars film is now to be a retrospective entitled, 'The Fall of Heroes'? The nickname you've got in American schools of 'Icemasturbator'? The fact that all your friends are dead, incarcerated, hippied-up, or a religious icon? That you all hate each other and don't talk! That Hawkeye101 is releasing a book called, 'The Avatars: The Bickering That Made Me Leave In Disgust'? People built their careers on your team and your heroic exploits! You are supposed to be superheroes, fighting the good fight, protecting the common man from evils we can't comprehend! But you degenerated into bickering teens with escapist fantasies and murderous tendencies! You're ruining my life!"
Icemastertron: "Do you want to buy a duck?"
James Sholl's Office
The Mayor of Hollywood walks into Sholl's office. He has something to confront him about. He is buzzed into the main office, which is now as big as a warehouse. Machinery adorns the walls, and yellow gas floats mysteriously across the room.
The Mayor: "Sholl? Hello?"
James Sholl: "YES?"
The Mayor: "I wanted to ask you some questions."
James Sholl: "ABOUT WHAT?"
The Mayor: "I've discovered some disturbing rumours - is it true you've had 130 billion dollars raised for this 'Avatars' film and have yet to start pre-production? What about the rumours that you've used that 40 billion dollars to buy as much gold as you can? I mean, this can't be right. What would you need all that gold for…"
KUNG. KUNG. Metallic footsteps shake the entire complex.
The Mayor: "Hey James. What did you do? Get a haircut or something?
James Sholl: "LOOK CLOSER, MAYOR!"
The Mayor: "Oh I know what it is! You're the biggest man in the world now! And you're covered in gold!
James Sholl: "FOURTEEN-CARAT GOLD! TAKE A HIKE, MAYOR! I'M RUNNING THINGS NOW!"
The Mayor: "All hail, King Curly!"
Curly: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!"
King Curly storms threw Hollywood. Forty feet tall, made of solid gold (14-carat gold) and covered in rubys, diamonds - gems of all kinds. And a top his golden curly jewfro-locks, sat a huge pointy crown, studded with even more precious minerals.
King Curly tears down building at his whim, and turns others into his thrones. The army tries to stop him - the fire bullets and shells and missiles, but their men, their tanks, their helicopters and jets, are incapable of denting his new body. Hollywood is now his. It is now at his beck and call, at his mercy.
For none can stop him now that the Avatars are no more.
Sunset Boulevard
King Curly sits on his throne of wrecked buildings in the midday sun. The people of Hollywood move back and forth, doing as he demands. And he has many demands indeed. Those that try to stop him, fail.
Not that any of this will stop Icemastertron.
He enters the Boulevard on his ice slides. He slides around the Boulevard waving to the cameras, smiling for the paparazzi, and pointing out the "Cooking Bra" logo on his back. Already, Icemastertron thinks of the headlines of tomorrow, "Icemastertron, Saviour of Hollywood", he thinks of his face on breakfast cereals and on television, he thinks of himself as a household name. He also thinks of the incredible duel between himself and King Curly that will be remembered for centuries as myth and legend.
Sadly, he doesn't pay much attention to King Curly who promptly punches him into a building - and yawns.
Now, all Icemastertron can think about and see are little tweeting birds dancing around his head as he lies motionless and unconscious in the side of a suddenly-demolished building.
Nurhachi: "Icemastertron was just a sell-out! Are you ready to face the real deal?"
The voice seems to come from nowhere. King Curly rises out of his building throne.
Curly: "WHERE ARE YOU, NURHACHI?"
SPLAT. King Curly looks down and sees Nurhachi crushed into the floor beneath his feet.
Curly: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA---"
BANG! King Curly's laugh stops short as something lands inside his mouth and explodes.
On the rooftops stood Ultimate Gambit, brandishing a fresh new pack of playing cards.
Ultimate Gambit: "Ace high, 'King' Curly!"
Curly: "I CANNOT BE DEFEATED BY PLAYING CARDS."
King Curly slammed his fist down onto the rooftop, collapsing the building and burying a slow and unathletic Ultimate Gambit in the rubble.
Suddenly, some palm trees started to lightly slap against King Curly's thighs.
DIrishB: "I hate Hollywood. CAN'T YOU PEOPLE BUILD A DAMN PARK?!"
Curly: "THEY SEND MURDERERS AFTER ME? I AM A KING."
ProjectX2: "And I'm the messiah!"
Project X2, coming through clearly on a giant flatbed monitor being carried by the members of the "Project of Life".
DIrishB: "I got this, Proj…"
The Followers: "W00tz0rz"
DIrishB: "Of for the… look I got this 'King Curly' guy, okay? I didn't need Ultimate Gambit and I certainly don't need you or your 'followers'."
ProjectX2: "I have no time to speak with mere humans with the pathetic ability to allow plant life to blow in the wind. Followers. I have formulated a new plan-idea. Go to King Curly and quote him data allocation 45.3 in 1337sp3@k. The words of the machine of creation will show him the errors of his ways. He will find his conscience file."
The followers began moving forward, chanting and quoting from the "Project of Life".
They are crushed to death. So is the flatbed monitor.
People flee in terror.
Curly: "RUN HUMANS! ALL TREMBLE BEFORE ME IN FEAR!"
The Man Without Fear: "I didn't hear no bell."
Standing on the hills with the famous "Hollywood" sign, looking down on the ruined Boulevard, stands
THE MAN WITHOUT FEAR!
The people gasp! They choke! They cry! They cheer! Their hero has returned! And he's… stumbling? He looks drunk. He smells drunk. The people remember the reality of the man. They weep.
The Man Without Fear is tapped on the shoulder. His face contorts with rage. No doubt, this is another paparazzi demanding his picture! He turns around CRACK-BANG! An explosive punch knocks him clear across the boulevard.
Tog: "King Curly! You are so much better than these PATHETIC living humans! We should join forces and rule the world with our unstoppable might!"
Curly: "I WILL NOT FALL FOR THIS TRAP! YOU ARE AN AVATAR! YOU WOULD NEVER BETRAY YOUR FRIENDS SO EASILY!"
Tog sauntered up to the fallen heroes as they lay bleeding and crushed under rumble, strewn across the street.
Tog: "But I'm not an Avatar! I was the one who told the media about Ultimate Gambit! I am the Avatars traitor! I am the Death Knight, THEE GREAT ONE!"
He throws his glasses and t-shirt to the floor.
The people of Hollywood, the fallen heroes, King Curly are all taken aback! Each of their hearts misses a beat! They gasp in shock and horror! None had ever expected such a turn around!
DIrishB: "***!"
Thee Great One: "Slimjim is incapable of splitting his consciousness over so many zombies, so he gives his Death Knights free will and independence so that they can operate on their own. Being a Death Knight, Slimjim sent me to infiltrate the Avatars as a FILTHY HUMAN! I used the week's access I had to the Ultimate Central mansion to reveal Ultimate Gambit's checkered past. I set up all the evidence in poor DiB's PATHETIC room. It was easy to pretend I was dead since I'm SUCH AN AMAZING ZOMBIE! I even called myself 'Tog' which is the acronym for 'Thee Great One'."
DIrishB: "No it isn't. The acronym for 'Thee Great One' is 'Tgo'. Not 'Tog' you dyslexic Mormon ****."
Thee Great One: "YOU'REMAKINGITUP! I kept thinking my disguise was so obvious but none of you ever figured it out."
DIrishB: "I knew!"
Thee Great One: "Then why did I get away with it?"
DIrishB: "I knew!"
Thee Great One: "Then why did I get away with it?"
DIrishB: "I knew!"
Thee Great One: "Then why did I get away with it?"
Curly: "WHY SHOULD I JOIN FORCES WITH YOU, THEE GREAT ONE? I HAVE NO NEED FOR AN ALLY. I ALREADY HAVE DEFEATED THE AVATARS."
Thee Great One: "Only because I split them up with MY AMAZING GENIUS!"
DIrishB: "You didn't split up the Avatars! Hollywood did!"
Thee Great One: "That's what I wanted you to think."
DIrishB: "It was Hollywood!"
Thee Great One: "That's what I wanted you to think."
DIrishB: "It was Hollywood!"
Thee Great One: "That's what I wanted you to think."
DIrishB: "It was Hollywood!"
Thee Great One: "That's what I wanted you to think."
DIrishB: "It was Hollywood!"
Thee Great One: "He's high on marijuana and cannabis!"
DIrishB: "I give up."
Thee Great One: "VICTORY!"
Curly: "VERY WELL, THEE GREAT ONE. I ACCEPT YOUR PROPOSAL."
Thee Great One: "Then get ready world, for…
THE INTERWEB VIKINGS!
The laughs of The Interweb Vikings can be heard throughout the city. Truly, the Gods did walk among the cities of man. And they were brilliant and terrible.
Meanwhile… Right Now
Sitting in their thrones made of listed buildings, King Curly and Thee Great One began making their decrees.
Curly: "THE FOLLOWING DECREES ARE TO PERFORMED EXACTLY AS MANDATED. FOR EACH DECREE NOT UPHELD, WE WILL KILL 300 MILLION CITIZENS OF THIS CITY EACH DAY UNTIL THE DECREE IS PERFORMED."
Thee Great One: "Firstly, we, the Interweb Vikings, demand that we be digitally edited into every film ever made."
Curly: "WE WILL HAVE THE PERFORMANCES OF BRAD PITT AND MORGAN FREEMAN IN THE FILM 'SEVEN' BOTH REPLACED WITH ME."
Thee Great One: "Secondly, we, the Interweb Vikings, demand that the word 'palindrome' become an actual palindrome. We desire 'Palindromeemordnilap'."
Curly: "THIRDLY, WE, THE INTERWEB VIKINGS, DEMAND THE REMOVAL OF ALL SIDEBURNS."
Thee Great One: "Fourthly, we, the Interweb Vikings, demand that the famous 'Hollywood' letters spell 'Hollywood' correctly."
The Mayor: "But they already…"
Thee Great One: "Spell. 'Hollywood'. Correctly."
The Mayor backs away.
Thee Great One: "Fifthly…"
A half mile away, the Avatars lay broken and battered and beaten. Except for DIrishB.
DIrishB: "They can't even be evil properly."
Project X2 came running into the street, panting.
DIrishB: "Well look who it is."
ProjectX2: "I… huhhuh… I have a plan."
Nurhachi: "nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh…."
DIrishB and Project X2 could hear Nurhachi's groans from the foot shaped crater in the street floor that he was imbedded in.
ProjectX2: "Nurhachi? You're alive!"
Nurhachi: "No… old man plans you boring…"
ProjectX2: "Oh **** off."
Icemastertron: "I can't believe you guys tried to steal my thunder."
Nurhachi: "Ice? Is that you?"
Icemastertron: "Happy to see me?"
Nurhachi: "No - the advertising labels fell off your costume and I didn't recognise you without them."
Icemastertron: "I think DIrishB is trying to smoke your clothes, hemp-boy."
Ultimate Gambit: "It's this kind of bickering that makes me glad I left this team, and went solo!"
DIrishB: "You didn't leave this team and go solo. You got arrested for being a jerk."
Ultimate Gambit: "Oh no! What are you going to do? Wave a fig leaf in my face?"
DIrishB: "Blow me like a balloon."
The Avatars argue and bicker as they had many times before. They don't even wait to clean the dust and rubble from their costumes. They just start shouting at each other. It must be what it would be like to see the Beatles reunited. Of course, there would have to be a way to resurrect John Lennon and George Harrison for one to get the full metaphor.
The Man Without Fear: "Guys! Enough!"
There are tears in his eyes.
The Man Without Fear: "I'm really hung over. Someone give me something to lean on."
Icemastertron: "When did you come back to life?"
ProjectX2: "Yeah, that's a good trick. I could really do with knowing how to do that."
The Man Without Fear: "When I crashed into the wall in the tunnel, I lept away in the flames and ran into the country. Anything to avoid those ****ing paparazzi bastards. The body at the funeral? That was the body of the paparazzi who was holding onto the motorcycle. No one noticed that the guy was missing because he was a paparazzi and no one cares."
ProjectX2: "… er, okay. Well, at least Princess Di is still dead."
The Avatars could all agree that this was a good thing.
The Man Without Fear: "What happened to us, guys? We used to be a real team of heroes. Sure, we'd argue once in a while, but never during a fight. Never when the chips were down. Was I really that bad of a leader?"
ProjectX2: "… okay. I have no idea what you just said."
The Man Without Fear: "What?"
Icemastertron: "Are you aware that you're slurring your words?"
Ultimate Gambit: "Yeah. I still don't know how you came back to life."
Nurhachi: "Guys! Look. We've gotta stop the Interweb Vikings."
Icemastertron: "What, with you? I thought I was a sell-out!"
Nurhachi: "You are. But maybe we can use you as a human shield."
DIrishB: "We've got to put aside our differences and work togethe… I couldn't keep a straight face. You guys just suck. Hard."
Thee Great One: "Eleventhly, we, the Interweb Vikings, demand that eleventhly be made an official word of the English language."
Icemastertron: "Guys, we've got to do something about the Interweb Vikings."
Ultimate Gambit: "We've got years. They're still on their first page of decrees."
Nurhachi: "Good. That gives us years to become a team again."
ProjectX2: "Why would I want to team up with you pitiful people again?"
DIrishB: "Because you killed all your followers."
ProjectX2: "I did not kill them. I showed them the way to another world."
Ultimate Gambit: "Why do we need to team up anyway?"
Nurhachi: "We couldn't stop King Curly on our ownselves, let alone both of them."
Icemastertron: "How will all of us being nice stop King Curly from being invulnerable."
ProjectX2: "I have a plan."
Nurhachi: "Leeroy?"
ProjectX2: "This isn't some Hollywood movie where something you said in act one has any relevance now. Punching them a lot just won't work."
The Man Without Fear: "I agreeeeeeeeeeee."
Icemastertron: "… Are you trying to be British?"
The Man Without Fear: "I'm trying not to slur my words."
Icemastertron: "What?"
The Man Without Fear: "Forget it."
Icemastertron: "I think he wants… did you just say 'fudge'?"
ProjectX2: "Okay - the plan! It works like this…"
Thee Great One: "Twenty-thirdly, we, the Interweb Vikings, demand that Lindsay Lohan be killed, then resurrected as my undead zombie slave wife. Phew. It's really hot isn't it?"
ProjectX2: "Hey, King Curly! Jerk face! You have the face of a jerk!"
Curly: "WHAT?!"
King Curly rises from his throne-building and chased after Project X2 as he ran down the street.
Thee Great One: "Cur! CUR! It's obviously a trap!"
Nurhachi: "You're smarter than you look."
Nurhachi and Ultimate Gambit stand down at the bottom of Thee Great One's throne-building, side-by-side as teammates.
Nurhachi: "But then, you look like a brain dead zombie."
Thee Great One: "And you look like to LIVING HUMANS!"
Ultimate Gambit: "… Okay."
King Curly bends down and picks up Project X2.
Curly: "YOUR DRESS SENSE DISTURBS ME!"
Icemastertron on his ice slides, slides over Curly's head and covers the top of his head in thin ice which melts as it touches Curly's golden (14-carat golden) skin that has been reflecting the sun all day.
ProjectX2: "Well then, you won't mind if I borrow your crown!"
The Man Without Fear, being propped up by DIrishB on a nearby ledge, uses his somewhat unfocused and blurry eyebeams to fire at Curly's wrist. The sudden pressure make's Curly's hand spasm, releasing Project X2.
Project X2, using his rock skinned body and inhuman strength, jumps and climbs up Curly's arm and right on top of his head in a second. Once there, he manages to slide off Curly's crown with ease. Holding the crown in his hands, he jumps to the floor and runs down the street.
Thee Great One: "I broke you up!"
Nurhachi: "We may hate each other…"
Ultimate Gambit: "But we hate you more."
Ultimate Gambit throws his explosive playing cards at Thee Great One, who deftly avoids them and jumps down to the street. He tries to land his explosive punches on Nurhachi but he slips away too easily. With frustration, Thee Great One tries to land a punch on the currently far less agile on Ultimate Gambit. Ultimate Gambit can't get out of the way, but he does parry the blow with his staff. Which goes boom. Knocking him to the floor. Nurhachi wraps his blood around Thee Great One's body like ropes, keeping him immobilised.
Thee Great One: "You see how you pathetic FILTHY humans are unable to stand against my GREAT MIGHT! You have to resort to cheating!"
Nurhachi: "Yeah, well at least you're not just blowing yourself up like you used to. There's no way we'd get out of the blast radius in time… Oops!"
Thee Great One: "FOOL! You have played directly into my plan!"
Thee Great One begins to charge up his body for the biggest explosion he's ever done.
Thee Great One: "I've reached critical mass! NO ONE CAN STOP ME NOW!"
Nurhachi: "Not even yourself?"
Thee Great One: "NO! NO ONE! VICTORY!"
Ultimate Gambit: "Great."
With a grin, Ultimate Gambit, placed his hands on Thee Great One's feet, neither covered by Nurhachi's blood-ropes, charing Thee Great One with explosive energy as he does playing cards.
Thee Great One: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Just as Thee Great One explodes, Nurhachi lets go of Thee Great One and plants a Ultimate Central transporter on him - teleporting him 3 miles straight up.
The explosion shakes the city and for a brief moment there is a second sun in the sky. The explosion shortly dissipates, and Thee Great One plummets to the earth, crashing into the ground.
The explosion's shaking of the streets makes Curly, who is chasing after Project X2, stumble.
ProjectX2: "Now!"
Project X2 stands confronted with a stumbling Curly in a street with palm trees on both sides. DIrishB commands the palm trees to bend over across the street - halfway down Curly's shins. Curly trips and falls. And as he does, Project X2 places his golden (14-carat golden) crown right where he's going to fall.
With the pointed bits up.
Curly: "IMPALED ON MY OWN CROWN. HOW IRONIC."
Curly slumps to the floor, unconscious.
The Avatars have saved the day.
The Avatars stand in the middle of a wrecked Hollywood. The Golden Tyrant fallen at their feet. The Exploding Zombie lying motionless on the streets.
ProjectX2: "See? My plan worked."
Nurhachi: "'My plan worked.'"
ProjectX2: "I had no idea you were ten years old."
Nurhachi: "And I had no idea you were seventeen BILLION years old!"
Icemastertron: "You probably ripped it off from Hercules or something."
DIrishB: "Justin Timberlake called. He say's your album sucks."
Icemastertron: "Was that something you learned in prison?"
Ultimate Gambit: "It's this kind of bickering that makes me want to leave this team and go solo!"
The Man Without Fear: "Then go solo! Stop talking about it and just do it!"
Nurhachi: "No one can understand a word you're saying, you drunk Irish bastard."
DIrishB: "Wrestling's fake, dumbass!"
Nurhachi: "Son of a *****!"
The Mayor: "Avatars! We wish to thank you for saving our city of Hollywood and we'd like to make you honorary citizens!"
The Man Without Fear: "No. No. See, I realised something today. Hollywood sucks ***. It's a horrific and shallow place, incapable of allowing people to forge and retain any kind of meaningful relationship. Your entire city isn't based on art, but of vacuous appearance. That's why you all escape into another world to find the meaning you lack in your own lives. Either into trumped up causes for the privileged few of your studio system, or into the publicity realm so you can confuse attention with meaning. Some of you look for meaning in the bottle of a glass. Others try to cut through the bull**** but succeed in only becoming arrogant lecturers, unable to communicate their findings to the people they so want to be a part of. And there are those who look for meaning in any religious cult that tells them that the bad things in their life aren't there fault. Then there are those so devoid of their own lives, their forced to catalogue the events in others, and draw meaning vicariously. Try to find out what you really, truly enjoy, and who you truly want to share your passions with. Because that's where meaning lies. That's what life is."
The Avatars, the Mayor and the crowd look stunned at The Man Without Fear.
The Mayor: "Does ANYONE know what he just said?"
THE END
NEXT ISSUE - EPIMETHEAN WARNINGS
Epilogue
A small regiment of US soldiers begins to load Curly and Thee Great One, both in shackles, with Curly's having been stolen from the recent King Kong remake, into their transports to take them away to a secure facility.
As they are led into the transport, Thee Great One explodes his shackles and then frees Curly.
Curly, kicking over the transport, picks up Thee Great One, places him on his head and Thee Great One holds onto the points of the crown for support as Curly runs away as fast as he can.
Thee Great One: "I know a place where we'll be safe, Cur! Just keep running! We have to be there by tomorrow night!"
Curly: "WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO TOMORROW NIGHT?"
Thee Great One: "The same thing we do every night! TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!"
They're Curly, They're Curly And Thee Great One, Thee Great One!
