Joilet Illinois
A huge caravan of vehicles rumbled into town, black army hummers, black helicopters, and finally, a minivan, decked out in red flames with the bumper sticker, 'I Honk For Asian Chicks'.
The minivan stops in front of an apartment complex. The door slides open in the black, and a man in white hair steps out. He adjusts his suit, and walks over to the building, but before he gets there, he looks at a man in the corner. He seemed to be coming back from his job, he was looking at the cars and everything, not in wonderment, but it seemed to be a look of acknowledgment. Adjusting his grocery bag of goodies, he walks around all the military personal, and stops in front of the man with white hair. The white haired man lights a cigarette, and puts it in his mouth.
Man: Cheeseburgers cause high blood pressure.
White Haired Man: Joe Kalicki I presume.
Man: My name is Joe Kalicki, and I know stuff.
White Haired Man: Really, care to share what you know, Centralite.
Joe Kalicki reaches into the grocery bag, and pulls out a magazine. He drops the rest of the bag on the ground; the magazine evidently was its only occupant.
Joe Kalicki: Well, I know you are called JonnyFreeze, and I knew when you would be here, so I made sure I could get away.
JonnyFreeze: Oh really now? How do you plan on doing that Mr. I Know Stuff. I'm the head of a…
Joe Kalicki interrupted him by holding up his hand and speaking.
Joe Kalicki: A leader of s super secret organization that wants to eradicate the Centralite menace, yes I know. I also know your weakness.
JonnyFreeze: Alright Smartypants, I'll bite, what's my supposed weakness?
Joe Kalicki: This.
He hands JonnyFreeze the magazine, and proceeds to walk away. Jonny's cigarette falls out of his mouth and he stares at the magazine. Army guards watch Joe Kalicki walk away, as years of obeying orders forces them to have to wait for JonnyFreeze to give the order for an attack. JonnyFreeze opens the page trembling, and what he sees makes a smile spread across his face.
Soldier: Sir! The Centralite is getting away!
JonneyFreeze: Son, you interrupt my time again, I will shoot you. I'm going in the van for a minute.
As he walked off, holding the magazine, one of the Soldiers sees the magazine title.
Soldier: Who knew, the boss' weakness seems to be Japanese schoolgirls
JonnyFreeze enters the van, and several seconds later, it begins to move back and forth.
~ NURHACHI & DR.STRANGEFATE PRESENT ~
ULTIMATE CENTRAL
THE FANFIC
I Know Stuff
Volume 9, Issue 64, By Ultimate Houde
Just outside Joilet
Minutes before
A car was on the side of the highway, and two people were looking in the hood of a car.
Victor Von Doom: Why do you drive this piece of crap?
McCheese: Piece of crap? PIECE OF CRAP! This is a genuine 1993 Chevy Nova
Limited Eddie Bauer Edition. I call her Sheila.
Victor Von Doom: Isn't that the same name of the old hooker you wanted to pick up?
McCheese: I will hurt you
Victor Von Doom: The radiator's blown, and from the evidence, while I was asleep you've been driving on two flat tires.
McCheese: What, one popped so I had to even it out on the other side. It's what Daddy McCheese taught me to do.
Victor Von Doom: Daddy McCheese deserved a punch from Doom to set him straight.
McCheese: I'm sick of your taunts!
Victor Von Doom: And what are you going to do about it?
McCheese: Sulk in the corner.
Victor Von Doom: We are on the highway, there is no corner.
McCheese: Damn you and your superior logic!
McCheese sits on the side of the road while VVD continues to poke around the car. Eventually, McCheese gets frustrated, and stands back up.
McCheese: Listen. this in fighting is getting us nowhere, we need to pull together if we are going to be a team.
Victor Von Doom: Actually, I think Sheila is getting us nowhere.
McCheese: She's sensitive, don't talk to her like that! It's okay baby.
McCheese rubs the hood lovingly
Victor Von Doom: Listen, let's just walk to town, and from there we can find this Joe Kalicki guy and, I don't know, use his car or something.
Several Black hummers drive past, followed by a van with flames and the aforementioned bumper sticker about honing for Asian Chicks.
McCheese: Whoa, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Victor Von Doom: That we should be careful of a super secret military operation that is trying to capture me?
McCheese: Hells no, that we should steal that van. I totally honk for Asian chicks too.
Without waiting for VVD's response, McCheese follows the van, VVD runs after him. They turn the corner in time to see Joe Kalicki run off in the opposite direction. McCheese heads towards the van while all the soldiers where preoccupied. VVD followed. They entered the van unnoticed.
Victor Von Doom: Now what?
McCheese: People always put keys in the visor.
He lowers the visor and the keys fall out.
McCheese: Awesome.
The van door opens and Jonnyfreeze walks into it. He settles on one of the back couches of the van, and eagerly opens the magazine.
JonnyuFreeze: OMG, I luv japgirls!
VVD turned around to look at his former boss and current pursuer.
Victor Von Doom: This is my arch enemy, are you serious?
JonnyFreeze looked up.
Victor Von Doom: Heya boss! McCheese, do you mind?
JonnyFreeze: What in tarnation?
McCheese whispered.
McCheese: Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Joonyfreeze took the full brunt of the soundwave, and bursted out the back of the van along with the couch. His magazine was shredded and fell in pieces around him. JonnyFreeze looked up in time to see the van peel off, and VVD waving at him with the one fingered salute.
JOnnyFreeze: Those pricks, what are you waiting for, FIRE! CHASE THEM DOWN! MAKE THEM BLEED!
The soldiers started to fire. Bullets rained into the van as it took the corner, it's bulletproof armor holding for the moment under the assault. They took the corner extremely fast. McCheese was barely able to control it, and it slammed into the opposite building.
Victor Von Doom: Get out of the damn driving seat
McCheese: I think one of the tires are flat. I should go puncture the other one to even it off.
Victor Von Doom: You are not touching anything on this van, NOW MOVE OVER BEFORE THEY CATCH UP TO US!
McCheese: Man..
VVD had to physically remove McCheese from the driver's seat, and he jumped in it, he quickly got the van moving again. Several hummers managed to take the corner, and started to follow them. McCheese took a deep breath.
Victor Von Doom: Don't say your word!
McCheese: Why not?
Victor Von Doom: The recoil doesn't affect you but I don't want to see what it does to the van.
McCheese: So what do you want me to do.
Victor Von Doom: Take this gun and shoot them
VVD handed him a machine gun. McCheese grabbed it, and smiled gleefully. He pointed it out the back of the open van.
McCheese: Say hello to my little friend.
He squeezed the trigger, and the recoil of the gun caused him to fall backwards, and he sent a whole clip of bullets out the ceiling of the vehicle. Several bullets bounced around the inside of the van, a couple hitting VVD, not doing more than making him more annoyed than he already was.
Victor Von Doom: McCheese, you suck.
McCheese: Hey, not my fault I never used guns before and you didn't warn me.
McCheese struggled back up, replaced the clip, and went to shot again, but this time, VVD took a sharp corner, causing McCheese to tumble in the back of the van, and slam his head.
Victor Von Doom: Oh sorry I didn't warn you about that too. My bad.
There car blew past Joe Kalicki, who was counting under his breath. When he reached ten, he threw out a spike strip that he got from work. The Spike strip hit the ground just as the hummers came around the corner. They hit the strip, and their tires all popped, causing a massive pile up of hummers (hehehe hummers). Joe Kalicki smiled.
Joe Kalicki: I told them my name is Joe Kalicki, and that I know stuff. I hope my relief showed up in time.
He bolted down the alleyway, heading for his next stop.
VVD and McCheese, unaware that they were being assisted, turned down another random road, only to find three helicopters blocking there path. VVD slammed the brakes, and the van skidded to a stop right in front of the spinning blades.
McCheese: REVERSE! PUT IT IN REVERSE!
Victor Von Doom: I'm trying!
The gears were grinded in the van as the helicopters bore down on them. Right before they got to them, an electrical wire fell down, getting caught in the chopper blades of the lead helicopter. The wire messed up the propeller system enough that it stalled, sending crashing into another one of the on comers, which created another pileup of sorts, slowly stopping all the helicopters as they ran into each other.
McCheese: Awesome
One of the helicopters exploded, causing a chain reaction, VVD got the van into gear, and took off around the street corner. Explosions followed them, the whole block going up.
McCheese: Incredibly awesome
VVD slammed the brakes on the van, causing McCheese to tumble and hit the front windshield. He sat up, rubbing his jaw.
McCheese: That was not awesome.
Victor Von Doom: I think we have trouble.
McCheese: Why?
Victor Von Doom: Why don't you see why I stopped jackass.
McCheese turned to look. In the middle of the street there was a brick wall, that was wet. The color of it dripped in places, and form behind it out walked JonnyFreeze, who was holding a paintbrush in one hand, and a gun in the other. He pointed the handgun at the car.
Victor Von Doom: The car is bullet proof, he would know that.
JonnyFreeze smiled, and squeezed the trigger. Out of the gun came a bullet, dressed like a cowboy, who pulled out two giant machine guns of his own.
Bullet Cowboy: Yeehaw Partnah!
McCheese and VVD looked at each other, then the bullet, then back at each other. The dove out the back as the bullet cowboy squeezed the triggers on his guns. Bullets rained into the van, and one of them managed to rip open the fuel line, igniting the van, and it too went up in flames.
The bumper sticker landed in McCheese's open hands.
McCheese: NO! I LIKED THAT VAN! I will always remember you A-Team van.
JonnyFreeze walked around the burning carcass of the van, still smiling. His paintbrush was wet with new paint on it. He quickly drew an outline in the air, and it solidified to an octopus, complete with an eyeglass, smoking several cigars, and a hand of cards.
Gentlemen Octopus: Goodday gents, sorry about this.
One of the tentacles whipped out, and wrapped around VVD, trying to crush him. VVD struggled to be released from the grip, but the tentacles were too strong.
Victor Von Doom: I'm too young to become part of hentai rape.
McCheese: I've had enough of this guy.
McCheese went to go say his word when JonnyFreese squeezed the trigger three more times, The fiurst two bullets came out dressed in towels. They swarmed around McCheese's head, wrapping his mouth in a towel. The remaining bullet pulled out an axe, and screamed out the top of it's lungs a cry of challenge. McCheese, now unable to say his word, yelped like a little girl. He was saved though by a timely intervention of water. It started off a sa drizzle, but quickly became a downpour, the sky dumping it's contents out on the combatants. The towel around McCheese's head started to melt, the bullet in midair screamed about melting, the Gentlemen Octopus waved it's tentacles in the air, and slowly melted.
JonnyFreeze: Crap, I hate rain.
Joe Kalicki walked onto the street, holding an umbrella above his head.
Joe Kalicki: Told you I'm Joe Kalicki, and I know stuff. This downpour is going to last all day, I suggest you get out of here now, while you can.
JonnyFreeze: I'll get you guys later then, you can't live in a rainstorm all your life.
He pressed a button on his suit, and disappeared in a flash a flash of green light.
McCheese: Dude, he just vanished.
Victor Von Doom: He teleported, that's all. We stole the tech from Ultimate Central itself.
McCheese: So you're Joe Kalicki huh?
Joe Kalicki: Yup.
McCheese: And you know stuff
Joe Kakicki: Yup.
Victor Von Doom: So you know what I'm going to ask you
Joe Kalicki: Yup.
Victor Von Doom: So your answer?
Joe Kalicki: No idea.
The rain stopped, the torrent becoming a drizzle then the sun came out.
Victor Von Doom: I thought you said it was going to rain out all day.
Joe Kalicki: I know stuff, never said I didn't lie. Your welcome by the way.
Victor Von Doom: For what, the sudden rain storm?
Joe Kalicki: For stopping the hummers…
McCheese: hehehe Hummers…
Joe Kalicki: …and the helicopters. Seriously, you would have gotten your asses kicked.
Victor Von Doom: We should get out of here before Jonny gets smart and heads back our way.
Joe Kalicki: Yeah, my car is around the corner, fully gassed and ready to go. Oh, we are heading towards Ohio next.
Victor Von Doom: Why Ohio?
Joe Kalicki: Cause, we need to pick up the next member of our team, well, we need to rescue them from jail, TwilightEL and Wade_Wilson.
McCheese: Wade I can see, but TwilightEL in jail?
Joe Kalicki: Don't ask me.
The trio got in the car and drove off. As they drove away, a huge man with a white Mohawk watched them drive away.
Selfproclaimed: I have them in sight master.
~ THE INTERWEB VIKINGS PROUDLY PRESENT IN STEREO SURROUND SOUND AND WIDESCREEN *****ES! ~
KING OF LUAU!
Not by Ultimate Houde, but by the bestest member evah conceived! TOG!
Hawaii
Curly, carrying Thee Great One's head, walked across the street and was greeted by the sound of music and fun. Fires were blazing on the beach, several people were dancing to the music, and the atmosphere was fun. Unconsciously Curly began to dance the music, shaking his golden *** back and forth.
Several girls squealed at Curly, not in fright, but in delight.
Girl: Are you the mascot from across the street.
Curly waved his options in his mind.
Curly: Why yes I am, my friends call me Curly, but you girls can call me boyfriend if you want.
Girl: What are you carrying?
Curly looked at Thee Great One's head in his hand.
Thee Great One: What are you looking at?
Curly: A puppy
Thee Great One: What did you call me, a puppy? Wait, were are you putting me!
Curly put Thee Great One on the ground. The girls all looked at him with wide eyes.
Thee Great One: What are you inferior flesh bags looking at huh?
The girls all awed.
Girls: It's trying to bark, that's so cute! You are great Gold Giant mascot.
Thee Great One: What do you mean trying to talk?
Girls: He's so ugly he's cute!
Thee Great One: Stop trying to pet my…oh…that feels good. Um, whine whine, grr?
Girls: He likes it!
Curly: Ladies, let's go walk on the beach and leave the puppy alone, it needs some sleep.
Girls: Sounds good to me!
Thee Great One rolled off, leaving the girls surrounding Curly. He followed his senses to find the next part of his body. What he saw surprised him.
It was his waist and legs, and attached to the top of it was the upper half of a scarecrow. He overheard two people talking.
Manager: I found him on the side of the road one day, whipped him up to shape and made myself the best luau champion ever.
Person: That's awesome
Thee Great One: HEY! YOU UP THERE! GIVE ME MY WAIST AND LEGS BACK!
The Manager looked down at Thee Great One's head.
Manager: Oh, so that's your lower body huh? Well, it's my meal ticket, get out of here kid.
He kicks Thee Great One's head away from him, by sheer luck the head ended up on stage. The Legs quickly danced around in agitation.
Thee Great One: Oh, so you like the praise huh?
The legs danced some more
Thee Great One: I'll challenge you to a luau then. If I win, you'll come back with me!
The legs moved around some more.
Thee Great One: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!? OH THAT'S THE LAST STRAW!
The luau poll was set up by the crowd, the music started, and Curly meandered back over.
Curly: What's going on?
Thee Great One: We are off to defeat my legs in a luau contest Curly. I need you to roll me, when the time is right.
Curly: Okay.
Thee Great One's legs danced up to the bar. They bent at the knees, and made it under the bar perfectly. The crowd all cheered for him.
Curly grabbed Thee Great One's head, and rolled it perfectly under the bar. The vrowd roared for him as well.
So this went, back and forth, until Thee Great One's head won the contest, you know, cause he's just a head and all. The crowd cheered for him winning
Manager: I've had enough of this farce!
The crowd, who was cheering the contest all gasped.
Manager: He is under my contract, Leggy is not going anywhere.
Thee Great One: That wasn't part of the deal.
Manager: You're just a head, what do you know
Thee Great One: THAT I HATE FLESHY ONES!
He charged himself, and exploded the surrounding area. Considering he was just a head now though, the blast only affected the Manager, who was knocked on his butt. He rubbed it.
Thee Great One: Crap, without my entire body, my power is severely diminished.
Manager: That hurt…I'll kick you for that one!
He ran up to kick the head of Thee Great One once more, but the legs got in the way. They knocked him up into the air, danced around a few times, and then roundhouse kicked him out into the parking lot. They looked at Thee Great One, and danced a few more times.
Thee Great One: Alright, he's going with us. Curly, take us to the next destination!
Curly: And where is that?
Thee Great One: TOKYO!
Curly: I love Sushi!