Re: Ultimatum series discussion [spoilers]
Yeah, I understand that you (Goodwill) are looking for a concise review but if someone read it and absolutely hates it they aren't likely to take time to type out a thoughtful review.
Oh E, ye of little faith!
That's right. I have returned to UC after a short hiatus which included a short sabbatical. Happy Holidays, New Year's Eve, New Year, MLK day and Inauguration day to you all. I had a great Christmas, followed by an ok New Year (had to work) but then I had an amazing trip to Vegas where I ate lavish meals, got into some of the best clubs in town and came home $5000 richer (thank you, Arizona Cardinals!).
Needless to say, I had a lot of catching up to do. In fact, I've still got a lot of catching up to do BUT guess what? I have caught up with Ultimatum issue 2 thanks to the wonder of the internets (as I've said before, I am flat-out refusing to buy this garbage) and boyoboy, do I have one hell of a review for you all!
Where do we start? Why, we start out with Loeb's attempt at recreating the oh-so-youthful banter we are used to seeing from Brian Michael Bendis' Ultimate Spider-Man. FAIL. Bendis has that stuff tacked down from years of practice, also from years of being a 15-year-old boy (and sometimes girl) trapped in a 40-something's body. Ol' Webhead is grumbling and mumbling about how he's supposed to save all these jacked up people around him, and how it's all that "dirtbag" Magneto's fault. Note to Loeb: knowing kids today, I think he probably would've at least
called Magneto a douchebag
, though considering that Magneto just kicked sand in the whole world's face, he probably would've gone for the much more appropriate dickbag
. C'mon Loeb, this is no time for political correctness and "aw gee shucks" kiddy hijinks from Peter Parker... plus you've got THE BLOB EATING THE WASP'S INNARDS later on in the book. (Belated Spoiler Alert! Whoops, sorry!)
You think people are going to be any more confused or offended because Spider-Man uses a bad word? I think not. Dickbag!
Anyhoo, Spidey tries to solicit a little help from some Giant-Men, but for some reason, even though Pym and SHIELD can develop a formula that allows human beings to grow to such proportions, they haven't figured out a way to help them hear us regular-sized people. Guess they had to cut costs somewhere, what with all the helicarriers, the Triskelion's electric bill and other stuff (advanced military technologies, skintight tac-suits for Carol Danvers and her gigantic boobs, IKEA brand supervillain prison units). So who comes to help out Spider-Man? None other than the man-monster who killed his parents (shhh don't tell Pete!), Dr. Bruce Banner, also known as THE INCREDIBLE HULK! As written by Jeph Loeb, I must say that the Hulk is at his most retardedest. I'm not just talking about this Hulk, Ultimate Hulk. I mean The Hulk _period_ when Loeb writes him. I swear to Jeebus Loeb sits down before writing any Hulk dialogue and watches a marathon of retard movies and tv shows. I Am Sam, Forrest Gump, Sling Blade, Life Goes On, The Other Sister
and so forth, then reads the front cover to David Sedaris' Me Talk Pretty One Day
over and over and over again. Then he jumps up like "okreadygo" and writes Hulk gems like "Hulk help Spider-Man". There's your intro sequence. Took me two paragraphs to explain it, took me about two seconds to read through it and start yawning.
Cut away to the Triskelion, where Iron Man busts through the windows (and the folks who sign the checks for SHIELD collectively sigh "Dammit we just got that window fixed!") with an incapacitated Captain America and starts freaking out. "ZOMG! CAP IS HURT! MEDIC! MEDIIII--- oh damn, Carol Danvers! You just get a boob job? Say, let's go have a drink and talk about your future with Stark Enterprises. This SHIELD crap, it's so last year." Carol just stands there with her giant chest torpedoes and two other really ridiculously big guns she's somehow able to swing around with one hand each. Cap wakes up from his sorta-coma and says "What's her name tag say, just let me get a closer look. Schwing."
Not really, but that would've made this book worth buying.
I thought Robert Downey Jr. played a great Iron Man, but for some reason, Loeb channels Clooney in his ER days with the next bit of Dialogue, "You hang in there, Steve. You hear me? DON'T DIE ON ME! DON'T YOU...DARE...DIE...ON ME! IT NEVER...GETS...ANY...EASIER!"
Now, the next few pages are just too boring to really mention. They bust out the shock paddles for Cap, who despite being frozen in the Arctic Ocean (or was it the North Atlantic?) can't take a little water in his lungs right now. Blah blah blah, yawn yawn yawn.
Next up: Hawkeye and Yellowgiant. Ant-jacket. Yellow-Man. Yellowjacket AHA THAT'S IT! Something happens and Henry Yellowpym grabs Clint and they have a man-to-man, heart-to-heart that involves some teeth clenching and then the realization that the one thing they have in common is the love of their wives, even though Clint's is dead and Hank once tried to kill his with a swarm of ants after he smacked her around like his name was Ike Turner and Tina just told him she was going solo.
Moving right along, the Thing and Sue Storm. Yawn! Reed Richards and Namor fighting over a woman, IMAGINE THAT! Yawn! Doctor Doom somehow back from the Zombieverse and hooking it up with Zarda, the Power Princess... or Princess Power. She's looking... far less impressive than when Gary Frank drew her. Her arrogance is out of place when she looks like a late-teenaged Psylocke. Reed gives Doctor Doom the ol' what for and talks about what a douche Namor is, even though he really didn't do nothin', which despite being a super-genius, Reed can't seem to figure out. They talk science, or at least Loeb's version of science. Y-A-H-A-W-NNNNNN.
Onto Thor. Now, if Mark Millar was writing this, everyone would be pumped at this point. Instead, I thought about taking a nap. Thor said thee nay or something and almost shed a tear over a dead-ish Valkyrie but then Hela shows up looking like Hela from 616 had a quick costume change just in time to make a cameo in the Ultimate Universe. Something about bringing Valkyrie back at a price after Thor fought some dead guys. Y'mean to tell me that fighting the dead guys isn't the damned price? What a beotch. So Thor, being back to his old 616ish self in the Ultimate Universe, says something like "Verily!" and away he goes, hacking away at bone-bags until GUESS WHO shows up!?!?
CAPTAIN FREAKIN' AMERICA! YEAHHH! LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT, BABY! PUT ON THE TOBY KEITH CD AND GRAB A LARGE ORDER OF FREEDOM FRIES BECAUSE IT'S TIME TO LET THE EAGLE SOAR! (If only Jim Ross wrote Marvel Comics!) But yeah, it's Captain America. About five or six pages ago they had to break out the shock paddles and still weren't getting any vitals, his uniform was torn to hell and his future looked grim. Apparently, in the time that those five or six pages represented, they brought him back from the dead, gave him a shower and a fresh change of clothes and he felt just fine to get back into the thick of battle with Thor versus every Viking who ever died.
And this scene gives us the most telling line of the entire mini series. This gem of wisdom sums up Ultimatum in full:
THOR: Captain! Here? How is it possible?
CAP: I DON'T KNOW. WE'LL FIGURE THAT OUT WHEN THIS IS OVER...!
I figured you out, Jeph Loeb! You have absolutely NO CLUE where this train is headed, but after it's gone completely off the tracks and blows to bits as it collides with a fuel truck, you're going to sift through the rubble and FIGURE IT OUT! OK OK OK OK! NOW I GET IT! STORY'S OVER! BRING MILLAR BACK IN! Whew. Talk about art imitating life.
I would normally end the review there. I thought that might just be the last thing I needed to read of this issue and this entire series. MAAAAAAN was I wrong. I already mentioned it, but two pages later, Clint "Hawkeye" Barton finds Mr. Fred J. Dukes aka The Blob chowing down on Janet Pym Intestines Tartare. WHAAAAT? Loeb, have you been reading Crossed
by Garth Ennis lately? Blob might be a disgusting pig but really... now he's a cannibal? This happened when? Nobody got the memo.
Really... I just... I have absolutely nothing to say here. I've tried to think of something witty or clever to say but... it's no use. The Blob is eating Janet's guts. Oh, and he says "Tastes like chicken". Thanks, Jeph, for another cliche. You're redeeming yourself with every turn. I wish you'd just go help Rob Liefeld with whatever it is he's doing these days. Ugh.
For the finale... Xavier and Magneto have their little showdown. Then, Magneto snaps Charles' neck and says some super-villainy crap. To Be Continued. Roll Credits.
To sum it up: IT SUCKS. There's your thoughtful review from someone who really hates it. Good to be back. Now I'm going to read something that doesn't make me hate that I read comic books... see you later.
Not really an update, but my prediction for how this will all end: Scarlet Witch isn't dead and we're left with Ultimate Reverse House of M. Wanda restores everything back to the way it was. Millar steps back into the fold and everyone just kind of pretends Jeph Loeb never wrote an Ultimate book.
...and they all lived happily ever after. Except Loeb, who should be demoted down to writing Spider-Ham after this is all said and done.