Grocer Man's Journey of Epic Epicnexus

Ultimate Houde

UC's Resident Genetic Recombinator
Apr 14, 2005
Houde's Chili Dog Shack
From the creator of Law & Order: UC, and UC:Stuck, comes the next parody of the board based on stories of fictional events.

This time, it's going to be the story of Epic EPICNEXUS!​

In the first part of this journey, Grocer Man finds out that the bus he got on to go to Toronto ended up in the Biggest Little city in the world, Reno, Nevada instead. Stuck here with no money he happens upon Doctor Strangefate, who let's him sleep on his couch, he just needs to deal with Doctor Strangefate's unusual group of roommates. If that isn't enough, Grocer Man needs to get a job.

But before that he receives a letter inviting him to join the Gentlemen's Club of the Comic Board and warns him to gain entry into this exclusive club he needs to defeat the seven evil veterans. The first one likes to wear red trenchcoats.

So why don't you all take a small peek into...

Grocer Man's Tiny Little Life

The train pulled into the station, it's brakes squeaking, the sound reverberating throughout the train, waking up one Grocer Man. His eyes went wide, and he jumped out of his seat.

Grocer Man
Age: 19
Likes: Cold Weather
Dislikes: Hot Weather

Grocer Man: YAHOO! I made it to Toronto!

The conductor on the train gave the kid a look.

Age: A Mystery
Likes: Mysteries
Dislikes: Only appearing in stories once.

Conductor: Sure you did.
Grocer Man: AWESOME!

Grocer Man runs out of the train, to see a tumbleweed go by. He looks around, noticing alot of other desert related stuff, cactus, lizards, sand....

Grocer Man: Must be summer up here.....

He then realized he left his bag on the train.

Grocer Man: I just realized I left my bag with everything I own in it on the train!

Turning around, he saw no train, looking down the tracks the train was almost out of view.

Grocer Man: Oh...that sucks.

With that Grocer Man shoved his hands into his pockets, and walked into the city of what he thought was Toronto.

Months Later

Grocer Man sat in the living room of the shared apartment of his friends. He slept there, ate the food, took showers when he remembered too, but he didn't pay rent, so Doctor Strangefate wouldn't let him claim he was an actual roommate.

Speaking of Doctor Strangefate, he walked into the room.

Doctor Strangefate
Age: mid 20's
Likes: Setting people on fire
Dislikes: Watching people put themselves out

Dr Strangefate: Haven't you beat that game five times now?
Grocer Man: Not today
Dr Strangefate: Well, you didn't actually sleep last night, did you?
Grocer Man: No.
Dr Strangefate: Then it's the same day. You need a job Grocer Man, the others are getting mad for covering for you, and quite frankly, when I took you in all those months ago, I thought you'd only live for a few weeks then die, like a hamster or something.
Grocer Man: Job, do I get one of those?
Dr Strangefate: You go out and look for one.
Grocer Man: Oh...
Dr Strangefate: Something also came for you in the mail.

He hands Grocer Man a letter, which was already opened.

Grocer Man: Did you already open this?
Dr Strangefate: Of course, I pay the rent here, I opened it.

Grocer Man took out the letter, which was wet and had a coffee ring on it.

Grocer Man: Um....
Dr Strangefate: Oh, I also needed a coaster. No more mail here till you pay rent Grocer Man.
Grocer Man: Right.

He then tried to read the letter, and could make most of it out.

HI! Welcome to the preliminaries of the membership to most exclusive club in the world, the Gentlemen's Club of the Comic Board! To make it into the club, you need to .......

And he got that far before the flashing pretty lights on the screen distracted him from that process and he went back to playing Sonic 2.


I should mention that I did have a stalker girlfriend. She has a membership here as StarGazer.
Likes: Woohoo! The story started!
Dislikes: Boohoo! The conductor's never coming back. He was the best part of the story. :p
Grocer Man, after playing a few more levels of Sonic 2, heading out into Reno looking for a job. Decided he could look for a job much better after seeing a movie, he instead headed towards the local movie theater.

The girl behind the counter, who had pink hair, smiled at him.

Age: 18
Likes: Older men
Dislikes: Science

Stargazer: Hi!
Grocer Man: Hi!

An awkward pause.

Grocer Man: Oh yeah, I want to see a movie.
Stargazer: Which one?
Grocer Man: I don't know...

A man in a red trenchcoat walked up behind Grocer Man.

Man: You should see the Fantastic Mr. Predator.
Grocer Man: What, really? Is it good?
Man: I heard it took the animation team about four years to do it, though the script and all the voices where done in two months tops.
Grocer Man: Wouldn't that make it dated?
Man: I have a question for you, did you get my letter?
Grocer Man: I don't know, what's your name?
Man: Was it about the membership to the Gentlemen's Club?
Grocer Man: I vaguely remember that.
Stargazer: You must be an older man to get an invite into that club.
Grocer Man: I'm old enough.
Stargazer: That's hot.
Man: Hey, I will not be ignored.

Just then, a movie was let out, and several people came walking out of it, including Dr Strangefate, and Ice, another one of Grocer Man's new roommates.

Dr. Strangefate: Looking for a job already, and here it's been only three hours since I left you alone
Grocer Man: Hey DS, hey Ice, what movie did you guys see?
Ice: We saw 500 Predators of Summer. Didn't have enough blood in it.

Age: 23
Likes: Being Awesome, Shawn Ashmore
Dislikes: Wet Candy, things that are not awesome (Which includes Grocer Man)

Ice: When are you going to start paying rent?
Grocer Man: I wanted to see a movie to relax me, then I was going to look for a job.
Stargazer: You could work here.
Grocer Man: See, I found one already.

The man jumped backwards, and pulled out the Master Sword, followed by a Hylian Shield. He posed, and the exiting crowd paused to watch.

Crowd Member 1: What's going on?
Crowd Member 2: Must be auditions for the new live action Zelda film.

Grocer Man: What's your problem man?
Dr Strangefate: Dude, he's the first of the seven evil veterans you need to face to join the Gentlemen's Club.
Grocer Man: How did you know that.
Dr Strangefate: I read your mail, remember?
Grocer Man: Oh yeah.
Man: My name is Random fool, and I will make sure you don't set a foot into the club.

Age: 25
Likes: Link, making Flash movies
Dislikes: Being reminded he needs to finish flash movies

Grocer Man: So we fight?
Random: So we fight.
Grocer Man: Do I get a cool sword or shield.
Random: I don't know, do you?
Grocer Man: Oh crap.
Ice: Will you beat the snot out of this idiot already, and then get a damn job, you freeloader?
Age: 23
Likes: Being Awesome, Shawn Ashmore
Dislikes: Wet Candy, things that are not awesome (Which includes Grocer Man)
This is all true.

And I would totally got see 500 Predators of Summer.
HA. HA. It's funny cause it's true. Though you got my age wrong. So deal that failure.


*go cries in the corner*

it kept me amused for a little while, not bad

That is good, that's the point. Nothing too serious, nothing too deep, just a parody of Scott pilgrim.
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Random held the sword out at an angle and screamed, spinning in a quick circle, the sword slicing through the air towards Grocer Man.

Grocer Man: Watch out!

Grocer Man grabbed Stargazer and jumped to the side, dropping her off with Doctor Strangefate and Ice.

Stargazer: Thanks.
Grocer Man jumped to the side as a boomerang came near him.

Grocer Man: HA! MISSED!
Random: I love my boomerang.

The boomerang then hit Grocer Man in the back of the head, and nto only that, but also took five dollars off of him, and gave it to Random.

Grocer Man: HEY!

Grocer Man picked up one of the stay in line poles and swung it at Random. Random block it with his shield, and knocked the pole up in the air. He then jumped up, gaining some height, then came down, with the sword below him.

Grocer Man: oh crap!

Rolling out of the way, Grocer Man came up next to an old man in a red robe.

Old Man: You need this to help you on your quest.
Grocer Man: Is that a bomb?
Old Man: Yes hero.
Grocer Man: Awesome.

Grocer Man threw the bomb at Random, who bounced it back to him.

Grocer Man: OH CRAP!

The bomb blew up, knocking Grocer Man backwards.

Crowd Member 2: These are great special effects.

The resulting smoke cloud blew apart, revealing Grocer Man, wearing a red bandana, and blue pants, holding a rifle.

Dr Strangefate: Nice abs

Stargazer gave Dr Strangefate a look. He simply snickered at her.

Grocer Man: Contra was my favorite game as a kid.
Random: That's such a stupid game.
Grocer Man: But, it had 99 lives baby!

Grocer Man sprayed bullets at Random, Random attacked back, with sword and shield. The two opposing forces clashed.

When the smoke, ammo, explosions, arrows, and hook ****s cleared, Grocer man stood on top, holding up his rifle in the classic Link pose. Random's body disappeared, along with the sword, leaving behind 14 dollars, and a bottle of Pepsi.

Grocer Man: I won!
Ice: Nice, now get a damn job and pay the rent. Such a drama queen.

Next up in Grocer Man's Epic of Epicnexus, Grocer Man learns about stalkers! He finds out what a job at the movie is like, meets another one of his roommates, and goes up against J. Agamemnon, the second of the seven evil veterans!, all this in Grocer Man vs Reno!
Grocer Man vs Reno

Years Ago

Grocer Man stood looking at his new high school. A kid walked up next to him, wearing a hat with a maple leaf on it.

CaptainCanuck: Hey.
Grocer Man: Hey
CaptainCanuck: First time in Canada eh?
Grocer Man: Family just moved here a few weeks ago. New High School and all.
CaptainCanuck: I'll show you around.
Grocer Man: Wow, Canadians are so much nicer than Americans.
CaptainCanuck: We are, especially in Toronto.

A Couple years after that

Grocer Man stood in the field, his face looks beat up, and his clothes were torn.

Bully: Did you think you could run?
Bully's Girlfriend: Yeah, did ya?
Grocer Man: I told you, my parents moved, I had no control over that.
Bully: I doubt it.
Bully's Girlfriend: Gonna knock your face off Gringo
Grocer Man: Why? Is this over the five bucks I owe you?
Bully: Ten bucks!
Grocer Man: You keep yelling at me, and punching me in the face...
Bully: Next time we met, which will be tomorrow, bring a friend, and we will have an old fashion tag match.
Grocer Man: Okay, but I don't think he knows how to fight.
Bully's Girlfriend: Wouldn't Matter if he did.

The Next Night

CaptainCanuck: I don't like this!

The Bully ran up and hit CaptainCanuck in the chest with an uppercut. If you listened closely you could here him say Tiger Uppercut. CaptainCanuck fell backwards, his eyes rolling into the back of his head as he did so.

Grocer Man: NOOO!!!!

Just then Grocer Man got kicked in the back of the head by the girlfriend, he rolled over, sprawling out on the ground. As he landed, the night began to rain. On the ground, he felt the Bully take out his wallet, and take all of his money.

Bully: There's two bucks and a half eaten movie ticket in here. I'll be back for the rest later. See you around Grocer Man.

And that was the last time Grocer Man saw CaptainCanuck.

Now, in Reno

The Train pulled up, and one person got off. He shouldered his bag, adjusted his red and white hat, and proceeded down the street. His sleeveless jacket was red, hit tee was white, and his pants were blue, but what probably gave him away the most was the Maple Leaf on the back of his jacket.

Age: 19
Blood Type: AB+
Favorite Saying: I love Canada eh

CaptainCanuck: Time to find my old pal.
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Lol, that was a fun read.

Favorite line: Random's body disappeared, along with the sword, leaving behind 14 dollars, and a bottle of Pepsi.

I rofl'd at the "bottle of pepsi" bit.

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