Why must Jimmy Olsen die? This is why.

Jimmy Olsen might be the greatest character ever created.
 
How old is Jimmy, anyway? Because if he's younger than twenty, that would make him a teenage werewolf.

  • The story opens with Jimmy begging Lucy for a kiss. Tell me, you experienced older gentlemen: Has "How about another kiss, Lucy? Huh? Please?" ever worked?
  • Superman has discovered that Merlin of Arthurian legend really existed and finds some of his magic potions in a crypt, so he brings them to Jimmy and Lois. The next day, the United Kingdom declares war on Krypton.
  • The bottles are all broken except one. "YE WOLFMAN POTION! BEWARE! HE WHO DRINKS THIS BREW GAINS A WOLF'S FORM UNDER MOONLIGHT--YE ANTIDOTE THE WILLING KISS OF A BEAUTIFUL MAIDEN WILL BREAK THE SPELL!" I could see Merlin transforming himself or an ally into a full wolf for travel, battle or reconnaissance, but as we will later see, this is the most useless potion ever because all it does is make you look like you're wearing makeup or a mask and become a sloppy eater. The "willing kiss" part makes it kind of a hard spell to break, but can't you get a kiss while not in wolf mode? And if you're the kind of guy who'd get on the bad side of Merlin, you're the kind of person who'd wonder if "kiss me or I kill your entire family and torture you to death" really counts as being unwilling.
  • Jimmy and Lois both wonder if the legends really are true. What--but--Superman just told you they were magic potions! Jimmy, you dumbass. He drinks the potion, of course.
  • Jimmy was originally going to bring Romeo and Juliet costumes to go with Lucy to a costume party, but since Romeo and Juliet have no distinguishing characteristics besides her being thirteen and him being eighteen, they'd just be "random couple in cheap, fugly clothes meant to look medieval". Anyway, he wolfs out and calls the costume shop to change the order to Red Riding Hood. I wish I had a costume shop nearby that made custom deliveries within the same night you placed them.
  • At the masquerade ball... um... Jimmy and Lucy aren't the only couple in a matching costume. There's also Batman and Robin and the Green Arrow and Speedy. Gay couples coming to masquerade balls together in matching costumes? Not creepy. A gay couple dressing as a superhero and preteen sidekick? That's a little creepy, but if they're otherwise normal... The fact that the "Robin" and "Speedy" are a head shorter than everyone else in the room? Oh my ****ing God. For the sake of my sanity, I'll assume that this is some kind of bizarre father/son masquerade thing.
  • Later, Lucy is lying in bed in a dark room with a stoned expression telling Lois about her date. Lois suspects Jimmy might be a wolfman, but when she goes into work he's back to normal. Just like the potion said. Both Jimmy and Lois are surprised by this. How do these people dress themselves?
  • The moon is full for the third night in the row. After a ridiculously contrived situation, Jimmy realizes he must solve his problem. He doesn't even try kissing Lucy in the daytime. Instead, he goes to the next logical plan... he withdraws all his savings and then I laugh so hard my ears pop because Jimmy's brilliant plan is to pay a beautiful woman in the park to kiss him. It's so beautiful.
  • Jimmy Olsen solicits sex while in wolfmode.
  • Jimmy Olsen tries to find a prostitute to kiss.
  • Jimmy Olsen offers money for a kiss.
  • Jimmy Olsen looks for a lady of the night to stick her tongue down his throat.
  • Jimmy Olsen runs into an undercover police officer, three random women out for a walk, two hookers who "aren't into that furry stuff", five kisses that turn out not to be from maidens, and finally gets a cure for his lycanthropy. Unfortunately, the cure for herpes isn't as easy to acquire.
  • I'm kidding, fortunately, because what happens next is so much better. Jimmy flies the helicopter again and almost crashes it, but unfortunately manages to land it. He almost gets caught being a wolfman again by the Lane sisters, who for some reason assume it's normal to wear a wolfman costume for four nights in a row as long as there's a contrived reason to do it each time. Anyway, Superman has finally found the solution! He has "Miss X", a woman in a darkened room, kiss Jimmy. Guess who Miss X is? That's right, it's Superman's teenage cousin! The one he makes live in an orphanage and never use her abilities! I wonder if she got a little thrill when he flew up and told her it was time for her to put on her costume and take off her wig, maybe for the first time in months or even ever? Did she dream of finally being appreciated? Did she want to help reduce the number of lives that are lost while Superman rescues Jimmy from his own stupidity? Did she hope Superman might allow her to use her Herculean strength, so that she could have just one moment where she didn't have to stop and think carefully about how much force was needed in order to turn pages or open doors without ripping them off of their hinges? Did she enjoy the brief moments of flying she was allowed, only to have all her dreams crushed when--oh, wait, it says she volunteered to kiss Jimmy.
  • ...
  • ...
  • ...

Let's move on to Fat Boy Olsen before my brain breaks.

Somehow, Professor Potter has invented a vitamin formula that makes animals fat by messing with their thyroid glands. Yes, this is for animals for human consumption. Um... wow. A sickly cow drowning in fat. That sure sounds appetizing. Yeah, I think I need some time to recuperate before tackling this one.
 
Turning into a werewolf but keeping your own mind every full moon would actually be kind of cool.... I'm pretty sure I wouldn't even want to be cured of that, especially if I was only vulnerable to silver bullets and wolfsbane at the time, heck, with a minimal wardrobe and I could make a pretty fearsome vigilante.
 
I got this out of the library today. If I'm not on UC for a while, it's because the stupidity has killed my brain.
 
That's right, after months in hiatus, it's time for another round of why Jimmy Olsen must die!

  • Professor Potter's "assistant", Dr. Rance, offers to show Jimmy around Potter's lab. Okay, seriously, what the hell is Jimmy's job? He's got a camera, but he's there to get a story. Is he an intern, a photographer, or a reporter?
  • I must notice that for once, he's actually dressed quite nicely in a white shirt, black belt (with magical color-changing buckle), and matching dark blue suit coat and pants (he's carrying the coat because it's so hot).
  • Rance accidentally-on-purpose gives Jimmy a bottle of weight increaser instead of soda pop.
  • Perry White has invited Jimmy to a sleepover while they write an article about Superman's trophies (Jimmy brings them over in a suitcase) together.
  • …
  • …it was a more innocent time.
  • They decide Jimmy would be cooler on the porch than the non-air-conditioned guest room. This is when I notice that every single sentence in this entire book ends in a question mark, an ellipse or an exclamation point. There are no periods in the entire book. I guess I just didn't notice it earlier because nobody was discussing ****ing air conditioning.
  • Jimmy becomes so fat that he breaks the damn bed. I need to go lie down for a sec before I start hysterically screaming "something does not come from nothing" again.
  • …
  • Okay, I'm good. Anyways, Jimmy describes the weight increaser as a "vitamin formula" (?) as his blue pajamas with black polka-dots shred around him. I would like to quote some dialogue verbatim, because I can't possibly make it better:

    I've doubled my weight overnight! I-I'm busting out of my pajamas! I'd better empty out that rain barrel and climb into it before… >gulp< …I do a strip tease on your lawn!
    Click to expand...
  • Jimmy discovers he'll be fat for a week. Perry brings down his father's old Santa Claus suit for Jimmy. I'm not sure whether they want us to think Perry's dad was a fatso or just wore a pillow underneath the coat, but since the pants fit Fat Jimmy too, I guess we have to assume the former. Just in case you're wondering, yes, Jimmy does wear the hat.
  • Perry offers to give Jimmy the week off and "give [his] assignments to Clark Kent or Lois Lane!" So what, you're going to make your star reporters go on ****ing coffee runs? Or are they going to take pictures? What the hell is Jimmy's job? Oh, wait, it says he's a "cub reporter." What does that mean?
  • Anyway, Jimmy says the extra weight has "advantages!" What advantages? Seriously, it's a major health risk to go from a svelte 150 pounds to a puffy 300, not to mention the sweaty agony that everyday actions would become. Oh, I see, he's going to collect his weight in gemstones from the Maharajah of Bohali, whose life Jimmy saved. Plus, it's easier to shut a suitcase. Um… right.
  • Since Jimmy is a dumbass, he smashes his damn suitcase and has to carry all of Superman's trophies in a bed sheet. Do the Whites not have any bags?
  • Jimmy climbs to the top of a building because he saw a worker on a skyscraper drop something and worries that it might set the building on fire. Okay, first of all… the roof is not made of wood. Second of all, you're a fatty mcfatso obese man in a Santa suit with a heavy bed sheet bag in the middle of summer. If the building did burst into flames, it'd be collapsing while you were having a heart attack in the stairwell. The entire point of this is to make Lucy Lane think she's going crazy because she sees Jimmy Olsen Santa Claus chilling next to a chimney in summertime. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.
  • This is a sign posted in the shop Jimmy goes to:

    FAT MAN'S SHOP WE HAVE CLOTHING TO FIT ANY SIZE MAN
    Click to expand...

    Yeah.
  • There's this really weird joke in the dialogue about horse racing and English horses. Why would you make a joke about English horses? It's just so completely random. By the way, for this entire week, Jimmy will be wearing the same plus-sized green suit with a black and red plaid bow-tie. God, that's going to be really rank by the end of the week.
  • Jimmy's itinerary for the week includes going on an army cargo-plane flight with Clark Kent and being a "fireman for the day" and writing an article about it. Look, either these are lame human-interest stories and Clark shouldn't be covering them, or they're real stories and Jimmy shouldn't be on them. Especially since his revolting blubber renders him incapable of participating safely. Way to send the right message to the fatties, guys.
  • Next, Jimmy goes to the carnival. Okay, first of all: what the hell kind of carnival is worth a newspaper story? This isn't the Suburbia Local News, it's the ****ing Daily Planet. Second of all, he's fat and it's hot and he's been wearing the same suit for several days and now he's walking around outside. Ew. Third of all, I love how the people in the background are all staring or even pointing. You shouldn't point and laugh at the hideously obese! Where's their political correctness?! Fourth, a man in this panel looks exactly like J. Jonah Jameson, complete with cigar, except he has a lavender bowler hat with matching vest (cigars in the pocket), a black and white pinstriped long-sleeved collared shirt under the vest, and a red tie with black polka dots.
  • At the carnival, the Montaines, the fattest couple in the world, have run on hard times. Mr. Montaine got sick and lost weight. Okay, seriously, fat people in the carnival? Even if it were still funny to exploit the grotesquely fat, you'd think a couple would be better than just one guy. Still, Mrs. Montaine decides Jimmy's there for the mister's job and distracts him by pretending to think he's her old boyfriend and making him treat her to a soda. This scene has no bearing on the plot, the "rule of threes" was filled out by the Santa and the other two stories, and it never comes up again. It exists for two reasons: to fill space, and to utterly humiliate Jimmy Olsen. Yes, that's right, Lucy Lane enters just as the fat lady is yelling "Get lost, fat stuff! Who needs you now!" Oh Jimmy. Your pain never ceases to amuse.
  • Jimmy is a selfish dick. He promised the original 150 pounds of jewels to charity, but now that he's fat, he's going to extort another 150 pounds out of the generous Maharajah and keep it for himself. If I were the Maharajah, I'd just be like "No, **** you. You weigh 150 damn pounds, everybody knows it, I'm shipping your damn jewels to you and if you don't like it, tough."
  • Anyway, the whole thing is actually a rather clever plot by some crooks to launder some stolen jewels through Superman because he's not searched by customs, but that's boring so let's talk about how racist this comic is.
  • "Maharajah" is (according to Wikipedia) an actual Sanskrit title for a ruler. The Maharajah is described as a Hindu, so I guess Bohali is supposed to be one of those little countries around India like Bangladesh except… you know… not Muslim. So far, so good, until this line: "I've always wanted to meet one of the few devout Hindu rulers who still follows the rules of his ancient religion!' Imagine someone describing a Christian leader this way. That's right, it sounds completely unnatural and wrong, because it's patronizing and makes it sound like Hinduism is equivalent to believing in Zeus or something. The false Maharajah is given away by drinking champagne and eating beef. Okay, I don't know about the liquor, but yeah, Hindus hold cows sacred. However, let's see what else Superman has to say about Hindus:

    Indeed, a religious Hindu avoids killing any animal! He even sweeps the dust in front of him as he walks, so he won't step on ants!
    Click to expand...

    Oh, Superman. That's Jainism, you stupid bigot. Plus, the Maharajah is wearing a turban. Honestly, I don't know what cultures or religions wear turbans or why (other than Sikhs), but let's face it; the only reason the Maharajah is wearing one is because the writers automatically associate them with hot, dusty places that aren't in Africa and confusing relgions that they don't understand. Also, the Maharajah arrives in a yacht? He sailed for days to meet Jimmy? Rewarding someone who saved his life with jewels? Let's face it, guys; this is behavior would better suit some feudal lord riding for days with a few trusted vassals to reward some guy that pushed him out of the way of an ax or revealed an assassination plot. Superman even calls him "your highness"! If the Maharajah ruled a "real" country (and I don't mean in the sense of "not fictional"), Jimmy would probably just get a certificate or a medal or something. Actually, scratch that… for saving the life of the leader of a country, he'd be highly honored by the Maharajah and America. That's some serious **** for a cub reporter.
 
TwilightEL said:
On my birthday, my father bought me The Amazing Transformations of Jimmy Olsen TPB. This is scientific evidence that I have the best father in the history of the universe. This book made me think I was in some kind of overdose coma. It's so stupid in the best way possible. Why? Let's review:

  • Jimmy gets a toothache. He won't go to the dentist, but he accepts random pills from the crackpot old doctor whose inventions are mocked as a regular feature of the Daily Planet.
  • As part of his job, Jimmy is allowed to use the Flying Newsroom on a regular basis. It's a helicopter. Someone decided Jimmy should be allowed to pilot a helicopter alone. The first time it appears, the dumbass flies it into a storm and crashes.
  • "A famous foreign official is coming to America by ocean liner! I'll... meet him at sea...!" Jimmy crashes over the ocean. I'm telling you this because he wakes up on an island with these incredibly racist stereotypes of primitive villagers who look like stereotypical African tribesmen. A yacht also passes by the island. Is he supposed to be in the Caribbean?
  • Apparently, a concussion will make you into a developmentally retarded manchild saying things like "ME CATCH LITTLE DOLL!" At this point, Jimmy Olsen is on display as a giant in Metropolis and the little doll is Superman.
At this point, I've gone through two of the stories.
Number of times Jimmy pilots a helicopter: ONE
Number of times Jimmy crashes a helicopter: ONE
Number of times Jimmy is exposed to the one thing that can cure him due to a ridiculous deus ex machina: ONE
Number of times Jimmy and Professor Potter join forces to **** up everyone's day, proving two dumbasses are worse than one: TWO

Now it's time for the first appearance of Elastic Lad!

  • Superman finds a random lead chest floating in outer space. Clearly, the only thing to do is to bring it to Jimmy Olsen. Naturally, neither of them assume that there might be some kind of RADIOACTIVE SUBSTANCE in this LEAD BOX which someone felt the need to SHOOT INTO SPACE. Superman allows Jimmy to open and photograph the items in the box, but not touch them. Maybe this is a complicated eugenics plot to sterilize Jimmy before he breeds.
  • Jimmy sees a glowing green substance in the box and thinks it might be Kryptonite. Again, this substance is in a LEAD BOX. So what does our hero do? If you guessed "He shuts the ****ing box", you're smarter than Jimmy Olsen but not smart enough to know just how stupid everyone's favorite cub reporter is. He runs off with the bottle, trips and smashes it, and decides that since Kryptonite is only harmful to Superman, he'll just dispose of the bottle and hope that Superman doesn't notice. He soon discovers that his body is completely elastic and deduces this is an effect of absorbing the green liquid, apparently not Kryptonite. I dunno, Jimmy, no one else has been such a colossal ****up that they absorbed an entire bottle of liquid Kryptonite into their skin. Maybe that's what always happens.
  • Jimmy joins the freakshow in disgrace and hopes that none of his friends see how far he's sunk.
  • The dumbest criminal ever poses as a scientist with a cure in order to exploit Jimmy. His first trick is to have one of his cronies pose as a window-washer whose ladder is too short to reach his windows. Jimmy helpfully reaches up and scrubs the window for them. Turns out that he just used acid to wash the bulletproof coating off of the DA's window. Why couldn't they just do that with a longer ladder? "A longer ladder would have been suspicious!" Less suspicious than a man with an EXTENDABLE ARM?! I think a rag on a stick would've been less suspicious than that!
  • Next, he and Jimmy find a bomb near City Hall. The criminal has Jimmy stretch between two trees as an impromptu slingshot and flings it into a junkyard, except he actually aimed over the junkyard. The bomb blows up a bank and two criminals quickly run into the hole. Okay, even assuming this crime lord has some kind of super aim with a slingshot, how the hell was that less inconspicuous than a guy dropping a backpack or grocery bag next to the bank?
  • Then the crime lord tricks Jimmy into stretching into a vault to get Kryptonite, claiming it's the cure. Surprise surprise, it actually is, but it doesn't take effect until after Jimmy's helped Superman defeat the villain.

Number of times Jimmy pilots a helicopter: ONE
Number of times Jimmy crashes a helicopter: ONE
Number of times Jimmy is exposed to the one thing that can cure him due to a ridiculous deus ex machina: TWO
Number of times Jimmy and Professor Potter join forces to **** up everyone's day, proving two dumbasses are worse than one: TWO
Number of times Jimmy joins the circus: ONE
Number of times Jimmy is exploited by the stupidest criminals ever: ONE

  • Now it's time for Jimmy's Jovial Jovian Journey! Jovians talk to Jimmy through his TV, but he thinks it's an actor playing a prank on him and goes along, planning to turn the tables on the actor with Superman's help. The aliens talking to him through his TV thing is pretty dumb, but so far Jimmy's not looking too bad. The aliens make Jimmy build a device and he wakes up as a scaly green Jovian with mind-reading superpowers, but cleverly disguises himself by wrapping himself up like a mummy and claiming he lost a World Series bet. Eh, this story isn't as crackalicious as that summary makes it seem. Anyway, Jimmy's gone Jovian for a week, but he needs to turn back sooner than that, but fortunately it turns out the Jovian week is shorter than ours. I've decided not to count that as a deus ex machina cure.
  • OH GOD THE BAD SCIENCE. "Behold, Jimmy! If the cold fire produced by those fireflies could be converted to real fire, it would save tons of coal for heating homes!" "But how can you turn their cold fire hot, Professor?" "A special gas in the jar absorbs the heat... look out, Jimmy! Don't pick it up... it's hot!" It's like listening to Victorian doctors talk about the four humors or alchemists talking about how amazing mercury is. I expect them to start talking about how scandalous it is that Lois' dress doesn't cover her ankles. The best part of this scene is that the jar is completely normal. It's just a big glass jar with a weird fabric covering on the top (yeah, it's weird, but "I can't tell what it is" weird, not technological-lookin' weird). It's not attached to anything or being monitored. It's just a jar with fireflies inside.
  • "Ouch! I...I got burned and dropped it! The glowing gas escaped and is settling on me like... like radioactive fallout! What will it do to me?" "If my experiment is a success, you'll heat up to 587 degrees!" And the best part is? This gives him fire breathing superpowers. I could probably make this stuff up, but I'd have to spend some quality time with DiB first.
  • Jimmy burns up one thousand dollars in charity money and joins the circus to make it up. He almost gets it, too, but somehow a guy who magically breathes fire isn't worth it if he heats up the tent. I guess there's no such thing as performing outdoors in this universe.
  • Criminals kidnap Jimmy while wearing asbestos suits and the ****up melts his own signal watch (without incinerating his own hand, somehow), so they get him to melt a steel vault, then imprison him in a cabin on the outskirts of town (town? What town? Isn't this Metropolis?) with dynamite hung on the walls so he can't burn his way out. Because nobody's going to notice that. He shoots fire up the chimney to make smoke signals and spells out a message in Morse code--luckily, Superman is flying by! The message Jimmy gives is 36 characters long, so I'm not sure how long Superman just hovered there watching it. I mean, the first signal Jimmy puffed was "SOS", and you can see the dynamite on the outside of the house.
  • WHAT THE **** PLAIN WATER IS THE ANTIDOTE TO THE HUMAN FLAMETHROWER

Number of times Jimmy pilots a helicopter: ONE
Number of times Jimmy crashes a helicopter: ONE
Number of times Jimmy is exposed to the one thing that can cure him due to a ridiculous deus ex machina: THREE
Number of times Jimmy and Professor Potter join forces to **** up everyone's day, proving two dumbasses are worse than one: THREE
Number of times Jimmy joins the circus: TWO
Number of times Jimmy is exploited by the stupidest criminals ever: TWO

This post has bloated to ridiculous proportions, so I'll do a couple more of these. The next one, Octo-Jimmy, is my personal favorite. It made me notice that the art is actually pretty good, it has criminals who are even more spectacular failures than the two I already told you about, and it even has some blatant Superdickery, though Jimmy really has it coming for being a ****up.
Click to expand...
This is quite possibly the awesomest thing ever, and gives The Best Day Ever and Puma Is Gay For Spider-Man a total run for their money.
 
ourchair said:
This is quite possibly the awesomest thing ever, and gives The Best Day Ever and Puma Is Gay For Spider-Man a total run for their money.
Click to expand...

I agree. My guts hurt.

Edit: The bullets devoted to ellipses pauses are the best.
 
Last edited:
TwilightEL said:
That's right, after months in hiatus, it's time for another round of why Jimmy Olsen must die!

  • Professor Potter's "assistant", Dr. Rance, offers to show Jimmy around Potter's lab. Okay, seriously, what the hell is Jimmy's job? He's got a camera, but he's there to get a story. Is he an intern, a photographer, or a reporter?
  • I must notice that for once, he's actually dressed quite nicely in a white shirt, black belt (with magical color-changing buckle), and matching dark blue suit coat and pants (he's carrying the coat because it's so hot).
  • Rance accidentally-on-purpose gives Jimmy a bottle of weight increaser instead of soda pop.
  • Perry White has invited Jimmy to a sleepover while they write an article about Superman's trophies (Jimmy brings them over in a suitcase) together.
  • …
  • …it was a more innocent time.
  • They decide Jimmy would be cooler on the porch than the non-air-conditioned guest room. This is when I notice that every single sentence in this entire book ends in a question mark, an ellipse or an exclamation point. There are no periods in the entire book. I guess I just didn't notice it earlier because nobody was discussing ****ing air conditioning.
  • Jimmy becomes so fat that he breaks the damn bed. I need to go lie down for a sec before I start hysterically screaming "something does not come from nothing" again.
  • …
  • Okay, I'm good. Anyways, Jimmy describes the weight increaser as a "vitamin formula" (?) as his blue pajamas with black polka-dots shred around him. I would like to quote some dialogue verbatim, because I can't possibly make it better:


  • Jimmy discovers he'll be fat for a week. Perry brings down his father's old Santa Claus suit for Jimmy. I'm not sure whether they want us to think Perry's dad was a fatso or just wore a pillow underneath the coat, but since the pants fit Fat Jimmy too, I guess we have to assume the former. Just in case you're wondering, yes, Jimmy does wear the hat.
  • Perry offers to give Jimmy the week off and "give [his] assignments to Clark Kent or Lois Lane!" So what, you're going to make your star reporters go on ****ing coffee runs? Or are they going to take pictures? What the hell is Jimmy's job? Oh, wait, it says he's a "cub reporter." What does that mean?
  • Anyway, Jimmy says the extra weight has "advantages!" What advantages? Seriously, it's a major health risk to go from a svelte 150 pounds to a puffy 300, not to mention the sweaty agony that everyday actions would become. Oh, I see, he's going to collect his weight in gemstones from the Maharajah of Bohali, whose life Jimmy saved. Plus, it's easier to shut a suitcase. Um… right.
  • Since Jimmy is a dumbass, he smashes his damn suitcase and has to carry all of Superman's trophies in a bed sheet. Do the Whites not have any bags?
  • Jimmy climbs to the top of a building because he saw a worker on a skyscraper drop something and worries that it might set the building on fire. Okay, first of all… the roof is not made of wood. Second of all, you're a fatty mcfatso obese man in a Santa suit with a heavy bed sheet bag in the middle of summer. If the building did burst into flames, it'd be collapsing while you were having a heart attack in the stairwell. The entire point of this is to make Lucy Lane think she's going crazy because she sees Jimmy Olsen Santa Claus chilling next to a chimney in summertime. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.
  • This is a sign posted in the shop Jimmy goes to:



    Yeah.
  • There's this really weird joke in the dialogue about horse racing and English horses. Why would you make a joke about English horses? It's just so completely random. By the way, for this entire week, Jimmy will be wearing the same plus-sized green suit with a black and red plaid bow-tie. God, that's going to be really rank by the end of the week.
  • Jimmy's itinerary for the week includes going on an army cargo-plane flight with Clark Kent and being a "fireman for the day" and writing an article about it. Look, either these are lame human-interest stories and Clark shouldn't be covering them, or they're real stories and Jimmy shouldn't be on them. Especially since his revolting blubber renders him incapable of participating safely. Way to send the right message to the fatties, guys.
  • Next, Jimmy goes to the carnival. Okay, first of all: what the hell kind of carnival is worth a newspaper story? This isn't the Suburbia Local News, it's the ****ing Daily Planet. Second of all, he's fat and it's hot and he's been wearing the same suit for several days and now he's walking around outside. Ew. Third of all, I love how the people in the background are all staring or even pointing. You shouldn't point and laugh at the hideously obese! Where's their political correctness?! Fourth, a man in this panel looks exactly like J. Jonah Jameson, complete with cigar, except he has a lavender bowler hat with matching vest (cigars in the pocket), a black and white pinstriped long-sleeved collared shirt under the vest, and a red tie with black polka dots.
  • At the carnival, the Montaines, the fattest couple in the world, have run on hard times. Mr. Montaine got sick and lost weight. Okay, seriously, fat people in the carnival? Even if it were still funny to exploit the grotesquely fat, you'd think a couple would be better than just one guy. Still, Mrs. Montaine decides Jimmy's there for the mister's job and distracts him by pretending to think he's her old boyfriend and making him treat her to a soda. This scene has no bearing on the plot, the "rule of threes" was filled out by the Santa and the other two stories, and it never comes up again. It exists for two reasons: to fill space, and to utterly humiliate Jimmy Olsen. Yes, that's right, Lucy Lane enters just as the fat lady is yelling "Get lost, fat stuff! Who needs you now!" Oh Jimmy. Your pain never ceases to amuse.
  • Jimmy is a selfish dick. He promised the original 150 pounds of jewels to charity, but now that he's fat, he's going to extort another 150 pounds out of the generous Maharajah and keep it for himself. If I were the Maharajah, I'd just be like "No, **** you. You weigh 150 damn pounds, everybody knows it, I'm shipping your damn jewels to you and if you don't like it, tough."
  • Anyway, the whole thing is actually a rather clever plot by some crooks to launder some stolen jewels through Superman because he's not searched by customs, but that's boring so let's talk about how racist this comic is.
  • "Maharajah" is (according to Wikipedia) an actual Sanskrit title for a ruler. The Maharajah is described as a Hindu, so I guess Bohali is supposed to be one of those little countries around India like Bangladesh except… you know… not Muslim. So far, so good, until this line: "I've always wanted to meet one of the few devout Hindu rulers who still follows the rules of his ancient religion!' Imagine someone describing a Christian leader this way. That's right, it sounds completely unnatural and wrong, because it's patronizing and makes it sound like Hinduism is equivalent to believing in Zeus or something. The false Maharajah is given away by drinking champagne and eating beef. Okay, I don't know about the liquor, but yeah, Hindus hold cows sacred. However, let's see what else Superman has to say about Hindus:



    Oh, Superman. That's Jainism, you stupid bigot. Plus, the Maharajah is wearing a turban. Honestly, I don't know what cultures or religions wear turbans or why (other than Sikhs), but let's face it; the only reason the Maharajah is wearing one is because the writers automatically associate them with hot, dusty places that aren't in Africa and confusing relgions that they don't understand. Also, the Maharajah arrives in a yacht? He sailed for days to meet Jimmy? Rewarding someone who saved his life with jewels? Let's face it, guys; this is behavior would better suit some feudal lord riding for days with a few trusted vassals to reward some guy that pushed him out of the way of an ax or revealed an assassination plot. Superman even calls him "your highness"! If the Maharajah ruled a "real" country (and I don't mean in the sense of "not fictional"), Jimmy would probably just get a certificate or a medal or something. Actually, scratch that… for saving the life of the leader of a country, he'd be highly honored by the Maharajah and America. That's some serious **** for a cub reporter.
Click to expand...

Post of the Day.
 
TwilightEL said:
That's right, after months in hiatus, it's time for another round of why Jimmy Olsen must die!

  • Professor Potter's "assistant", Dr. Rance, offers to show Jimmy around Potter's lab. Okay, seriously, what the hell is Jimmy's job? He's got a camera, but he's there to get a story. Is he an intern, a photographer, or a reporter?
  • I must notice that for once, he's actually dressed quite nicely in a white shirt, black belt (with magical color-changing buckle), and matching dark blue suit coat and pants (he's carrying the coat because it's so hot).
  • Rance accidentally-on-purpose gives Jimmy a bottle of weight increaser instead of soda pop.
  • Perry White has invited Jimmy to a sleepover while they write an article about Superman's trophies (Jimmy brings them over in a suitcase) together.
  • …
  • …it was a more innocent time.
  • They decide Jimmy would be cooler on the porch than the non-air-conditioned guest room. This is when I notice that every single sentence in this entire book ends in a question mark, an ellipse or an exclamation point. There are no periods in the entire book. I guess I just didn't notice it earlier because nobody was discussing ****ing air conditioning.
  • Jimmy becomes so fat that he breaks the damn bed. I need to go lie down for a sec before I start hysterically screaming "something does not come from nothing" again.
  • …
  • Okay, I'm good. Anyways, Jimmy describes the weight increaser as a "vitamin formula" (?) as his blue pajamas with black polka-dots shred around him. I would like to quote some dialogue verbatim, because I can't possibly make it better:


  • Jimmy discovers he'll be fat for a week. Perry brings down his father's old Santa Claus suit for Jimmy. I'm not sure whether they want us to think Perry's dad was a fatso or just wore a pillow underneath the coat, but since the pants fit Fat Jimmy too, I guess we have to assume the former. Just in case you're wondering, yes, Jimmy does wear the hat.
  • Perry offers to give Jimmy the week off and "give [his] assignments to Clark Kent or Lois Lane!" So what, you're going to make your star reporters go on ****ing coffee runs? Or are they going to take pictures? What the hell is Jimmy's job? Oh, wait, it says he's a "cub reporter." What does that mean?
  • Anyway, Jimmy says the extra weight has "advantages!" What advantages? Seriously, it's a major health risk to go from a svelte 150 pounds to a puffy 300, not to mention the sweaty agony that everyday actions would become. Oh, I see, he's going to collect his weight in gemstones from the Maharajah of Bohali, whose life Jimmy saved. Plus, it's easier to shut a suitcase. Um… right.
  • Since Jimmy is a dumbass, he smashes his damn suitcase and has to carry all of Superman's trophies in a bed sheet. Do the Whites not have any bags?
  • Jimmy climbs to the top of a building because he saw a worker on a skyscraper drop something and worries that it might set the building on fire. Okay, first of all… the roof is not made of wood. Second of all, you're a fatty mcfatso obese man in a Santa suit with a heavy bed sheet bag in the middle of summer. If the building did burst into flames, it'd be collapsing while you were having a heart attack in the stairwell. The entire point of this is to make Lucy Lane think she's going crazy because she sees Jimmy Olsen Santa Claus chilling next to a chimney in summertime. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.
  • This is a sign posted in the shop Jimmy goes to:



    Yeah.
  • There's this really weird joke in the dialogue about horse racing and English horses. Why would you make a joke about English horses? It's just so completely random. By the way, for this entire week, Jimmy will be wearing the same plus-sized green suit with a black and red plaid bow-tie. God, that's going to be really rank by the end of the week.
  • Jimmy's itinerary for the week includes going on an army cargo-plane flight with Clark Kent and being a "fireman for the day" and writing an article about it. Look, either these are lame human-interest stories and Clark shouldn't be covering them, or they're real stories and Jimmy shouldn't be on them. Especially since his revolting blubber renders him incapable of participating safely. Way to send the right message to the fatties, guys.
  • Next, Jimmy goes to the carnival. Okay, first of all: what the hell kind of carnival is worth a newspaper story? This isn't the Suburbia Local News, it's the ****ing Daily Planet. Second of all, he's fat and it's hot and he's been wearing the same suit for several days and now he's walking around outside. Ew. Third of all, I love how the people in the background are all staring or even pointing. You shouldn't point and laugh at the hideously obese! Where's their political correctness?! Fourth, a man in this panel looks exactly like J. Jonah Jameson, complete with cigar, except he has a lavender bowler hat with matching vest (cigars in the pocket), a black and white pinstriped long-sleeved collared shirt under the vest, and a red tie with black polka dots.
  • At the carnival, the Montaines, the fattest couple in the world, have run on hard times. Mr. Montaine got sick and lost weight. Okay, seriously, fat people in the carnival? Even if it were still funny to exploit the grotesquely fat, you'd think a couple would be better than just one guy. Still, Mrs. Montaine decides Jimmy's there for the mister's job and distracts him by pretending to think he's her old boyfriend and making him treat her to a soda. This scene has no bearing on the plot, the "rule of threes" was filled out by the Santa and the other two stories, and it never comes up again. It exists for two reasons: to fill space, and to utterly humiliate Jimmy Olsen. Yes, that's right, Lucy Lane enters just as the fat lady is yelling "Get lost, fat stuff! Who needs you now!" Oh Jimmy. Your pain never ceases to amuse.
  • Jimmy is a selfish dick. He promised the original 150 pounds of jewels to charity, but now that he's fat, he's going to extort another 150 pounds out of the generous Maharajah and keep it for himself. If I were the Maharajah, I'd just be like "No, **** you. You weigh 150 damn pounds, everybody knows it, I'm shipping your damn jewels to you and if you don't like it, tough."
  • Anyway, the whole thing is actually a rather clever plot by some crooks to launder some stolen jewels through Superman because he's not searched by customs, but that's boring so let's talk about how racist this comic is.
  • "Maharajah" is (according to Wikipedia) an actual Sanskrit title for a ruler. The Maharajah is described as a Hindu, so I guess Bohali is supposed to be one of those little countries around India like Bangladesh except… you know… not Muslim. So far, so good, until this line: "I've always wanted to meet one of the few devout Hindu rulers who still follows the rules of his ancient religion!' Imagine someone describing a Christian leader this way. That's right, it sounds completely unnatural and wrong, because it's patronizing and makes it sound like Hinduism is equivalent to believing in Zeus or something. The false Maharajah is given away by drinking champagne and eating beef. Okay, I don't know about the liquor, but yeah, Hindus hold cows sacred. However, let's see what else Superman has to say about Hindus:



    Oh, Superman. That's Jainism, you stupid bigot. Plus, the Maharajah is wearing a turban. Honestly, I don't know what cultures or religions wear turbans or why (other than Sikhs), but let's face it; the only reason the Maharajah is wearing one is because the writers automatically associate them with hot, dusty places that aren't in Africa and confusing relgions that they don't understand. Also, the Maharajah arrives in a yacht? He sailed for days to meet Jimmy? Rewarding someone who saved his life with jewels? Let's face it, guys; this is behavior would better suit some feudal lord riding for days with a few trusted vassals to reward some guy that pushed him out of the way of an ax or revealed an assassination plot. Superman even calls him "your highness"! If the Maharajah ruled a "real" country (and I don't mean in the sense of "not fictional"), Jimmy would probably just get a certificate or a medal or something. Actually, scratch that… for saving the life of the leader of a country, he'd be highly honored by the Maharajah and America. That's some serious **** for a cub reporter.
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