Well, #86 was painful.
So in the first page we're introduced to Damage Control - the guys who clear up after superhero fights (My god they must be loaded.) and for some reason, these civil servants, or perhaps just private company employees call themselves Piledriver, Wrecker, Bulldozer and presumably Thunderball (who's waving a wrecking ball around his head - doesn't this guy know how property damage is started?). I find this very natural because when I was in a minor car accident the other week, the highway patrol people showed up and were calling themselves Fenderbender and Write-off.
I like the Wrecking Crew. I don't know why they're so stupid here.
Also, they seem to be unbelievably strong. Just like that. The guy doesn't even seem remotely surprised at their inhuman strength (and they're not wearing any kind of super-armour) even though he thinks the Hulk is a hoax. So either these guys are mutants, or they're part of the super soldier programme and Nick Fury doesn't need them for the war effort. Either way, it's a normal every day occurrence.
So in the first page, Bendis pretty much obliterated four mediocre 616 characters. Well that's okay because they were mediocre. Remember, bad storytelling is fine if the characters aren't liked by the general public or the writer (hmm... this explains Star Trek: Voyager).
Then we get Ultimate Omega Red. How do we know his name? Because he shouts it at the top of his head and because he's got the greek letter (even though he's Russian) 'Omega' plastered over his costume - and it's red. That, I don't mind so much. What I do mind is not content with the 50-foot red omega on his chest, he felt he needed to tattoo a smaller red omega onto his forehead.
Oh, and at the end of the fight, the tattoo comes off. I guess it was one of those transfer ones - or maybe henna. No wonder he sucks so bad, he can't even handle a proper tattoo.
Then Spider-Man comes along and fights him. Within seconds of the guy showing up. Seconds. Did Bendis forget #28? Well, anyway, Spider-Man's Spider Luck meant he was there to fight Omega Red who talks like an idiot because he tells everyone about how he feels. He's probably having a nervous breakdown. Then, Omega Red does something cool. He tells Spider-Man he hates jokes (and Spidey's were bad) and throws him into the air without a thought. Then Spidey clobbers Omega Red (in a particularly cool way) and then, drops a machine on Omega Red's head just hard enough to incapacitate him, but not kill him so he can say 'ow'.
So, Omega Red shows up, blows up a boat, and then gets beaten by Spider-Man in about five pages.
We then later on find out he's a Russian mercenary (which is good because nothing in Bendis' dialogue made him sound remotely Russian - in fact, I'm pretty sure he sounded exactly like the Shocker) who is a mutant and had tests done on him. Well they were ****ty tests. Tendrils that do nothing and a little superhuman strength. What was his mutant power? Being albino? Russian? Drawing red omegas on his head?
I remember how Omega Red debuted in 616. Shinobi Shaw and some other people resurrect this monstrous white man from a cryogenic sleep. It turns out that decades ago, Wolverine was on a top secret mission (with Sabretooth as they were friends back then) to kill the Russian equivalent to the Captain America super-soldier programme - Omega Red. This guy was immensely strong and could suck your life out of you and make himself stronger. He scared so much **** out of Wolverine that all they could do to stop him was freeze him and hope he didn't wake up. When he is awoken, Omega Red takes over the operation and becomes a menace to the villains, forcing pretty much everyone to try and take him down (which they do). He was a monster that scared Wolverine, a dark mirror to Captain America, and took on pretty much three billion X-Men to a virtual standstill.
I read that comic 10 years ago and I still kinda remember it. I read USM 10 minutes ago and am trying hard to forget it.
If there's any justice, in 10 years, someone will be going, "I love retconning crappy Bendis stories".
I've said it before and I'll say it again - Bendis' ENTIRE Ultimate Universe Mega-Uber plot that isn't going anywhere is based upon people trying to copy the super soldier programme that created Captain America. He acts as if this is a new idea.
The crappy 90s character he writes with such disdain already had that origin over five years before anyone knew who Bendis was.
Omega Red is one of the only 616 characters who's origin is tied to the super soldier programme and Bendis, instead of realising this ties into his whole story arc and using it to further the conspiracy, pisses it away on a mutant with no powers that gets beaten up and put in super prison.
The 'crappy' 90s character is what he's been copying for five years, the dumbass.
And then you've got the pointlessly convoluted (and long) Silver Sable watching Spider-Man bollocks. Two days ago. Three weeks ago. Today. Why not do it chronologically? Oh, because if you play it straight you'll realise how dull it is? People watch Spider-Man, then lose him. Then watch him and find him near a school. Page after page of bollocks so we can get the pay off (which is a good pay off to be sure) - the Silver Sable thinks Flash is Spider-Man.
For a page.
At the end of the issue, Spider-Man doesn't even know he's being followed and Silver Sable has already realised her mistake. Why did he even bother with the pretense her capturing Flash matters? (No doubt this will pay off 'down the road'.) Why bother with Omega Red? Why not use the first five pages instead of ruining the Wrecking Crew and Omega Red, show us the surveillance, then show Flash being kidnapped, and have the whole Peter discovers Flash is missing. He hates Flash, so does he go out looking for him? Or does he not care? Is it his responsibility? A moral dilemma with the basis for humour as Spidey has to save a guy he hates while hiding the fact he's Peter Parker. From trained assassins.
Ah, **** it. Bendis is pissing away more stories than he's writing. And you all know how many ****ing stories he's writing these days.