Houde sat as his desk and stared at the computer screen. He bit down harder on the pencil in his mouth.
Houde: Lemme see…add the jalapenos shipment…oooh—can't forget the 50 pounds of lemons for the iced tea.
Doom walked into the office.
Doom: How's the inventory numbers adding up?
Houde: Nice. Very nice.
Doom: Sweet. So how much more we got?
Houde: I'm just adding up the last of the smaller items now. So far we're looking at 7% profit in our first month.
Doom: 7%?!?!?! Doom don't do that jibba jabba number bull****. How much does that equate to in Doom-speak?
Houde: Well………I could say about $5,000. But in Doom-speak…about 37 lapdances.
Doom: Only 37!?!?!
Houde: Well these strippers don't have bullet holes, stretch marks or c-section scars.
Doom: Oooooo…classy. Doom like. How soon can Doom see these hoity-toity strippers?
Houde: Did you actually have a real question or are you just here shooting the ****?
Doom: Oh, that's right---I did have a question to ask.
Houde: Well?
Doom: Have you been receiving any complaints about a security guard in the complex?
Houde: No. But I'll be on the lookout. Now get out there and make me some more money and chilidogs.
Doom: What makes you think you can speak to me like that? How do you know I won't do unspeakable torture acts that I learned in war to you?
Houde: Because I hold all the money.
Doom: For now.
Houde: What was that?
Doom: Nothing.
Doom left the office and went back to the front counters.
Later at Houde's ChiliDog Shack…
Houde: Ok ma'am…that's one Spicy Beefy Houde. Add cheese. Curly fries. And a diet coke. Anything else for you today?
Lady: No, I'm good. That's a lot of meat…I don't know if I'll be able finish all that.
Houde: That's what she said!
Lady: Yes…I did. What are you talking about?
Houde: Uh, nothing. Ok…so if that completes your order that'll be $6.67.
Doom frantically came thru the front door.
Doom: Houde! Did you see him? Did you see him? Where did he go?
Houde: Who?
Doom: The security guard!
Houde: What security guard?
Doom: The one I told you about! The one harassing the customers!
Houde: Man, I haven't seen anyone.
Lady: Ummm….sir? Can I have my change please?
Houde: Oh, I'm sorry. Ok…$6.67 outta $10? That's $3.33. Your order will be right up.
Doom: Lady…did you see the crazy security guard?
Lady: No. Leave me alone.
Doom: Fine you old hag! Go ahead and obstruct justice. How unpatriotic. I hope McCheese spits in your food! McCheese---spit in the terrorist's food!
McCheese: Sure thing boss!
Houde: NO! McCheese, do NOT spit in her food!
McCheese: Ok. No prob boss.
Doom: No! Spit!
McCheese: Ok.
Houde: NO! NO SPIT!
McCheese: Do I spit or not?
Houde: NOT!
Doom: You terrorists will get yours someday.
Houde: Doom! Cut it out. You're freaking out the customers. We do not spit in people's food. There is no crazy security guard. Do not make me take away your drinking money. You know how shameful it is to get lapdances when you're sober.
Doom: Fine. One day I'm gonna break this hold you have.
Doom stomped off into the back of The Shack.
That Evening At The Apartment…
Houde walked into the apartment looking dead tired.
Houde: You win.
Doom: What was that?
Houde: You win.
Doom: And why do I win?
Houde: I saw the security guard.
Doom: So I'm not crazy?
Houde: That's still debatable. But yeah…I saw him.
Doom: What happened?
Houde: I was walking to my car and this security guard stopped me in the parking lot and asked to see my ID.
Doom: And then?
Houde: And then I told him no. He wasn't the cops. So why should I show him my ID?
Doom: And then?
Houde: And then he started babbling about how he is the authority 'round these parts. And then started screaming these crazy *** rule numbers.
Doom: And then?
Houde: Stop saying "And then?" all the time. It's driving me nuts. What are you? 3?
Doom: And then?
Houde: That does it!
Houde flew across the room and tackled Doom from the couch. He wrestled Doom to the ground and got on top of him and began to choke Doom.
Houde: And then I choked him out like this! And then I began to pound his head to the ground like this!
Doom: And then?
Houde: AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGH!
Doom: Gooooooood. Release your anger. Let go. Strike me down.
Houde: STAR WARS! YOU DARE QUOTE STAR WARS AT ME WHILE I'M CHOKING YOU?!?!?!
Doom: Thought it was pretty appropriate.
Houde let go of Doom and stood up. Doom stood up and straightened his clothes.
Doom: Ok…now that we got that out of our system…..what are we gonna do about the security guard?
Houde: Dunno. I got out of there before I could see what damage he could do.
Doom: Hmmmmmm….have you seen a security stand or anything that he bases his operation out of?
Houde: Didn't I just say that I have never seen him before tonight? How the hell should I know where he works out of? For all I know he could reside in fridges all over America and be the thing that turns the light off when you close the door.
Doom: Good point. We should definitely plan more. If he's got the power to be in fridges all over America than we shouldn't underestimate his powers.
Houde: Are you serious? It's just a button that turns the lights off. Not a little being.
Doom: But can you prove that?
Houde: I'm sure science has already done that for us.
Doom: Fine. We'll look into that later. For now…the security guard. I was thinking…
Houde: Don't hurt yourself.
Doom: You wanna get this guy or what? Listen—I still have a couple contacts from my days in the military. I was thinking we could have a recon team establish a perimeter around the parking lot. I'm thinking 5 posts. One on each corner and one roving patrol in the center. We can have the guys on the outer perimeter set up a digital 3D mapping of the terrain. That would allow us to see all the movement activity thru the whole parking lot. There's no way he can escape our radar.
Houde: But how will you single out the guard amongst all the other customers on the radar.
Doom: AH-HA! I knew you'd ask that. See, for that…we have a second unit stage an event to draw him out in the open. Then when he intervenes, one of our agents will spray him with a digital marker. Then our roving patrol can keep an eye onto where he disappears to.
Houde: Why can't we just ask him when he shows up?
Doom: HEY! Who's running this operation here? I was running black ops like this thru the jungles of Kualalampur when you where just s twinkle in your daddy's eye.
Houde: You do realize that I'm older than you, right?
Doom: What the **** are you talking about soldier? Matter o' fact---why are you here? What's your clearance? Are you authorized to view this briefing?
Houde slapped Doom across the face.
Doom: Ahem. Thanks. I needed that.
Houde: You back now?
Doom: I'm cool.
Houde: Ok. So about this guard. That staged event thing is actually a brilliant idea.
Doom: Awesome. I'll place a few calls to the guys.
Houde: Or we could just do it ourselves?
Doom: Hmmm…this gives me a chance to crack open the disguise chest.
Houde: Dibs on the moustache!
Doom: How'd you know I had a moustache in my disguise kit? You snooping thru my stuff?
Houde: Uh….no? I just figured that every kit had a moustache.
Doom: Ok. Fair enough.
Houde: And dibs on the Magnum P.I moustache…not the pencil thin one.
Doom eyed Houde carefully.
The Next Day At The Shack…
Houde stared in the mirror. He raised his eyebrow.
Houde: Nice save there, Mr. Enforcer of the Law. The name's Barry. Barry Gordy. Glad to see we've got a sharp eye on these rapscallions. What's your name?
Doom crept up behind him. Houde remained oblivious to this fact.
Houde: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Your name again?
Doom: BEETLEGUISE!
Houde screamed. Those who were there that day swear that it was a woman screaming. But those stories have yet to be verified.
Houde: You douche-knocker.
Doom: Sorry………Barry. Barry Gordy. What's up with that name?
Houde: It's an homage to the producer of my favorite movie. "The Last Dragon".
Doom: The "Last Dragon"?
Houde: Yes. Starring the incomparable Taimak.
Doom: Taimak?
Houde: Yeah. He's a cinematic god. Granted he was only in one movie…but he's been doing a lot of theater. Last year he was touring, playing the lead role in the stage remake of Patrick Swayze's "Road House".
****Editor's Note****
Although this is hilarious and sounds completely absurd….this is in fact a true story. You need to click the link because it's worth it just for the pics! Back to the story…
Doom: Ok……you ready to get this guy?
Houde: I was born ready.
Doom slapped Houde across the face.
Doom: Don't do that ever again.
Houde: What?
Doom: Say stupid **** like that. Or by Odin's Great White Beard, I will cut off your balls and feed them to Camryn Manheim.
Houde: Understood.
Houde paused and stared Doom up and down, judging his costume.
Houde: Ummm…I know you were making fun of my name…but uh, what is up with your costume?
Doom stood there and looked down at his costume.
Doom: What? What's wrong with it?
Houde: Well…ummmm…there's the thing with uh…you see…
Doom: What?
Houde: Dude…
Doom stood there with a cross look on his face. Irritated with Houde's inability to say whatever it was on his mind, Doom began to tap his foot rapidly.
Houde: Doom. My costume is me in a Hawaiian shirt and fake moustache. You…you…I mean of all the costumes…
Doom: You know what? I don't want to hear it. Obviously you're too little of a man to say what's on your mind. A real man speaks up and puts his thoughts out there. He doesn't stammer like some vapid little woman on Grey's Anatomy. Now move! I need the mirror.
Doom pushed past Houde and adjusted his wig.
Doom: Let's hurry up and get this over with. These control-top pantyhose are killing me!
Houde: Ok. So what's the plan?
Doom: Simple. I'm gonna walk around the lot pretending to be lost. I'll click my keychain like I forgot where I parked. When you hear the codeword you come rushing past me and grab my purse. But don't rip it. It's genuine Coach.
Houde: Why do you have a genuine Coach bag?
Doom: Don't question my reasons. Unlike some people here…I actually commit to the character!
Houde: Fine. What's the codeword?
Doom: When you hear me say "Oh Heavens To Betsy"…that's your cue to rush me.
Houde: When this is done…we're gonna have a long talk.
Doom: For what?
Houde: Nevermind. So then what happens after I rush you?
Doom: I'll put up a small fight and refuse to give up my purse. Then our Phantom Secuirty Guard will jump in and try to save the day. As soon as he turns his attention to you…you let go of the bag and turn to run away. Once his back is to me, I reach in the purse and smother his face with the rag dipped in chloroform. He'll be out like a white hooker in Kobe Bryant's penthouse.
Houde: You know…3 years ago, that joke might've been poignant.
Doom: Shut up. I hate you. Anyways…from there we pick him up and bring him back here where I take over.
Houde: What are you gonna do?
Doom: It's best you don't know. Plausible deniability and whatnot.
Houde: Think you'll enjoy prison?
Doom: It was ok the first time around.
Houde: WHAT!?!?!?
Doom: Nevermind. Let's do this!!!!
10 Minutes Later in the Parking Lot...
Houde hid behind a rusty blue minivan. Doom began to walk aimlessly thru the parking lot.
Doom: O dear me! I cannot remember where I parked my automobile. What ever shall I do?
Doom continued to walk around.
Doom: For Land's sake. I must my find my automobile and return home. I have but precious time left before I must prepare for father's "Cotton Ball Gala". And Big Momma will be most assuredly upset with me for running late.
Houde knelt behind another car.
Houde: Why does he think he's Scarlet O'Hara?
Doom looked around.
Doom: Heavens to Betsy!
Houde jumped up and began to charge Doom. Doom turned around and saw Houde out the corner of his eye.
Doom: Good boy Nathan. Brace for impact in 4…3…2---
Houde saw a figure out the corner of his eye. Too bad he saw the figure too late.
The shadowy figure tackled Houde with a massive shoulder block.
Houde: MOTHER****ER! My hip!
The security guard jumped up and looked around for anymore assailants.
Guard: WOOOO! OH YEAH! JOLIET PAIN TRAIN HAS ARRIVED ON TIME!
Houde: You jacktard! I think you bruised my hipbone.
Guard: That's what you get evildoer. Justice will always prevail with Officer Joe Kalicki present!
Houde: My hip might be broken!
Kalicki: That's not pain…that's Justice's sweet sensual rubdown.
Joe Kalicki turned his attention to Doom.
Kalicki: You ok ma'am?
Doom: O dear me. What a big strong man you are. My hero.
Kalicki: Just doing my job ma'am.
Doom: Oh…it looks like he's getting up.
Kalicki quickly turned around and saw Houde try crawl away. Kalicki jumped onto the back end of the nearest car trunk and dove off the car with a vicious elbow drop that mirrored shades of The Macho Man Randy Savage at Summerslam '92.
Houde screamed in pain.
Houde: Oh God! Anytime would be appreciated.
Doom reached in his bag and pulled out the soaked rag. He jumped on Kalicki's back and smothered his face with the rag.
Kalicki did in fact drop and was out like a white hooker in Kobe Bryant's penthouse.
Doom: Sorry about that Houde. I wanted to make sure his attention was totally on you.
Houde: I hate you. My medical bill cost is coming out of your stripper fund.
Doom: Awww….come on.
A Bit Later in the back of The Shack…
Doom splashed cold water in the face of Kalicki.
Doom: Wake up!
Kalicki stammered. Doom threw water in his face again.
Doom: Wake up!
Kalicki: Ok! I'm up. Whaddya want?
Doom: I want to know who you are and why are you freaking out everyone.
Kalicki: My name is Joseph Kalicki. Serial number 456-39-1124.
Doom: Fantastic! You wanna play that POW game? Good. I haven't had a good torture session in months!
Kalicki: I won't break!
Doom: You can. And you will.
Kalicki: Who do you think you are? Batman? I saw that episode of Justice League.
Doom: Me too. Awesome wasn't it?
Kalicki: Totally. Kevin Conroy rules as Batman.
Doom: I know.
Kalicki: Yeah…I remember when I first saw the old Batman cartoons back in the 90s. It was like I was----
Doom: Shut up! Do you think this is a game? You think I'm suddenly gonna be your "boiiiyeee"? Are we gonna go cruisin' for chicks later? Are we gonna "tear da roof off this sucka"?
Kalicki: I thought---
Doom: Tell me what I want to know!
Kalicki: You never actually said what you wanted.
Doom: Tell me! Where are the microchips!?!?!?
Kalicki: Yeahbutwhat?
Houde popped his head into the room.
Houde: Doom…you're drifting off again.
Doom: My bad. Thanks for the heads up.
Kalicki: Hey…uh…guy in the glasses? You wanna help me out with this psycho?
Houde: Just tell him what he wants to know.
Doom: Listen to him. Just tell me what I want to know and we can go about our ways.
Houde: See?
Kalicki: Ok…what do you want to know?
Doom: Real simple. True or false. Was Jem truly, truly, truly outrageous?
Houde: Wrong question.
Doom: My bad. Ok…we know you're name. Why are harassing our customers and whay are dressed as a security guard.
Kalicki: Because I am one?
Doom: We never heard about any security teams in this complex.
Kalicki: There's a security stand right at the other end of the parking lot.
Houde: Is that what that hut is? I thought it was one of those photo/film development huts.
Kalicki: It says Lockdown Security on the sign.
Doom: We may have overlooked that.
Kalicki: You guys need to let me go.
Houde: But that doesn't explain why you're harassing our customers?
Kalicki: Most of your customers are teenagers with skateboards. I mean what grown-up would voluntarily eat a chilidog?
Doom and Houde raised their hands.
Kalicki: You guys don't count as adults.
Doom: Says who?
Kalicki: Says the man tied up in your walk-in storage room.
Houde: Point.
Kalicki: Your customers are teenagers. With skateboards. There's "No Loitering and No Skateboarding" signs all over the place. I'm harassing them.
Doom: ****ing teenagers.
Kalicki: Exactly.
Houde: Ok. We're gonna untie you now. If you scream or cause any problems…I'm gonna have to let my associate here handle you his way.
Doom: Gimme an excuse. Please. The last time I had my way, they didn't find the body for 3 weeks.
Kalicki: Ok. I'll be quiet.
Houde and Doom untied Kalicki. Kalicki stood up and rubbed his newly-freed wrists.
Doom: Ok…so now that you're free…we need you to stop harassing our customers. Even the teenagers.
Kalicki: I'm just trying to keep this neighborhood clean and free of hooligans and wrongdoers.
Houde: So what was all that "justice" talk back in the parking lot?
Kalicki: Oh I get like that once I put the uniform on. It fills me with a sense of pride that you could never understand.
Doom: So why aren't you talking like that now?
Kalicki: I said it comes from the uniform. You have me tied up in my underwear. You'll have to forgive me if I seem less enthusiastic.
Houde: Speaking of which…put your clothes on please. And possibly look into new underwear.
Kalicki turned to Doom and cut him a defiant look.
Kalicki: My dignity if you will.
Doom: Here.
Houde: So how can we come to a reasonable solution to the harassment thing?
Doom: We could always pay him in free chilidogs in exchange for his discretion and looking the other way.
Kalicki: Works for me.
Houde: Done. But if we get complaints…you get no more chilidogs.
Kalicki: Deal.
The 3 of them went back up front released Kalicki to go free. Kalicki buttoned the top button of his uniform.
Kalicki: Ah. Evil beware! Joe Kalicki has returned. Here to shine the bright light of justice onto the dark crevices of ner'do wells.
Houde: There's the crazy.
Doom: I think it's funny. He reminds me of The Tick.
Houde: Joe Kalicki in full body blue spandex. There's a mental image that's not going away.
Doom: Saving it for the Spank bank?
Houde: What!?!?!
Doom: Nothing.
Joe Kalicki bit into his free chilidog and ran out the Shack. He spotted an old woman carrying a big boxed blender.
Kalicki: Hey Old Mother Hubbard…you got a receipt for that?
He ran off after the woman.
Doom: Wow. I feel safer already.
Houde: You plan on taking off that costume disguise any time soon?
Doom: Doubt it.
Houde sighed and took 2 steps to the left.
The End
