The Jokes thread.

Ice

Teh Sexy Monkey Queen
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The World of Icelandia.
I know I made a joke thread before, but I can't find it. Anyways, here's something to start off with:




***Top 17 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant***


17. "I finished the Oreos."

16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"

14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"

13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!"

12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

7. "Get your *own* ice cream."

6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

5. "Got milk?"

4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water..."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant:


1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."
 
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Sacred&Profane

Well-Known Member
Joined
May 8, 2006
Messages
998
Location
Indiana
Some Bash.org..
<Jeedo> hey baby, whats up?
<Indidge> umm....nothing?
<Jeedo> So....want me to like come over today so we can...you know...
<Indidge> Wait....did you want to speak to my daughter?
<Jeedo> Yes Mrs.Miller.. :-/

-------
<LordChewy> so my dad found my porn folder
<LordChewy> and he was getting all pissed
<LordChewy> so its all like "does this surprise you? i'm not stupid you know"
<LordChewy> "i know dad"
<LordChewy> "what do you have to say for yourself?"
<LordChewy> at this point i stare at him straight in the eyes and say "C:.Documents and SettingsRickyMy Documentsfaxessent faxes"
<LordChewy> and he just shut up
<kingKahn> what is it?
<LordChewy> its his porn folder

For fans of The Best Page in the Universe;

<@maddox> ****!
<@maddox> my mom just found my website
<+DMTec> isn't she proud?
<+khoveraki> ha
<@naken> you've been on tv 2 times, in the newspapers several times, been banned from a country, has 40 million pageviews
<@naken> and you didn't tell your mother?
<@maddox> "what is this? Did you draw this? It looks like a penis." "No mom, I didn't draw a penis"
<+DMTec> ROFL
<+DMTec> "no mom, i didn't draw a penis" thats good
<@maddox> now she's crying
<RichK> haha, your mom doesn't know about your website?
<@maddox> (on the phone)
<+DMTec> maddox: did she see the "suprise - I have a penis"-greeting card?
<@maddox> dmtec: oh ****, I forgot about that.. yeah I guess I did draw a penis.
<RichK> bahahahaha
<@maddox> hahahahahaha she just said "I wish I would have died and not raised you"
<+khoveraki> rofl
<@maddox> she hung up
<RichK> You are dispwned maddox
 
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MaxwellSmart

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Joined
Dec 21, 2004
Messages
3,335
Location
SoCal
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
Sorry I'm being such a jackass
 

MaxwellSmart

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Joined
Dec 21, 2004
Messages
3,335
Location
SoCal
The Top 10 Comic Campaign Slogans


10> Dr. Doom: Destroying the Bridge to the 21st Century. And the
Nuclear Power Plants. And the United Nations. And the
Fantastic Four....

9> Aquaman: Building a Better Future, One Aquarium at a Time.

8> Dumb Bunny: Combining the Clinton and Bush Years.

7> Multiple Man: A candidate of people, for the people.

6> Cable: Building a better future. Past. Parallel future.
Whatever.

5> Charles Xavier: I know you want to, and now you know you want
to, too.

4> Joker: C'mon, you all know all politics is a joke.

3> Cyclops: A man of a singular vision.

2> Geoff Johns: If I can clear up Hawkman's continuity, imagine
what I can do with the economy.


and the Number 1 Comic Campaign Slogan...


1> Dark Phoenix: Elect me -- or else.
 

Ice

Teh Sexy Monkey Queen
Joined
Jul 24, 2004
Messages
43,800
Location
The World of Icelandia.
MaxwellSmart said:
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
Sorry I'm being such a jackass
Ok, some of those words are not easy to say, and I'm not even drunk!

MaxwellSmart said:
The Top 10 Comic Campaign Slogans


10> Dr. Doom: Destroying the Bridge to the 21st Century. And the
Nuclear Power Plants. And the United Nations. And the
Fantastic Four....

9> Aquaman: Building a Better Future, One Aquarium at a Time.

8> Dumb Bunny: Combining the Clinton and Bush Years.

7> Multiple Man: A candidate of people, for the people.

6> Cable: Building a better future. Past. Parallel future.
Whatever.

5> Charles Xavier: I know you want to, and now you know you want
to, too.

4> Joker: C'mon, you all know all politics is a joke.

3> Cyclops: A man of a singular vision.

2> Geoff Johns: If I can clear up Hawkman's continuity, imagine
what I can do with the economy.


and the Number 1 Comic Campaign Slogan...


1> Dark Phoenix: Elect me -- or else.
:lol:
 

Victor Von Doom

Fist of teh Internets.
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A man was sitting quitely at his cubicle at work when all of a sudden he heard a voice. "Quit your job, sell your car, sell your house, empty out your bank account...take the money and go to Vegas." He thought it might've been someone playing a practical joke on him so he looked around only to realize he was the working late and was the only one there. He shrugged off the voice and went home.

The next day he heard the voice again as he was eating breakfast. "Quit your job, sell your car, empty out your bank account, sell your house...take the money and go to Vegas." He shrugged off the voice and went to work. As he was sitting at his cubicle he heard the voice again. "Quit your job, sell your car, empty out your bank accountsell your house...take the money and go to Vegas." Again he shrugged it off.

The next day the voice was all he heard. Every second of every minute. "Quit your job, sell your car, sell your house, empty out your bank account...take the money and go to Vegas." He finally decides to listen to the voice and does exactly what it says. He sells his house and car and empties out his bank account and hops the first flight to Vegas.

Once he arrives the voice says "Go to Caesar's Palace. Go to Caesar's Palace". So naturally he makes his way to Caesar's Palace. Upon entering the casino, the voice instructs him to go to the roulette table and put all his money on black17. He does so...

The wheel spins and lands on Red4. The voice says "****!!!" :lol:
 

moonmaster

Without him, all of you would be lost souls roamin
Joined
Feb 23, 2005
Messages
13,670
sjmole said:
What happened to the jokes I posted?
That evil bastard, E waved his magic wand and made it disappear because all the naughty words were making children cry.






So anway, two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
 

Planet-man

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Messages
11,645
Location
Toronto, Ontario(by way of the Kepler Verge)
A woman walks into a pharmacy and tells the pharmacist "My husband has pushed me over the brink. I've had enough. I'm going to kill him. One bottle of cyanide please."

The pharmacist says "What? I can't sell you cyanide!"

The woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo. The pharmacist looks at it and his eyes widen. It's a picture the woman's husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist chuckles and says "Oh, I didn't know you had a prescription."
 

Friday

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Messages
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Location
Washington, PA
Victor Von Doom said:
A man was sitting quitely at his cubicle at work when all of a sudden he heard a voice. "Quit your job, sell your car, sell your house, empty out your bank account...take the money and go to Vegas." He thought it might've been someone playing a practical joke on him so he looked around only to realize he was the working late and was the only one there. He shrugged off the voice and went home.

The next day he heard the voice again as he was eating breakfast. "Quit your job, sell your car, empty out your bank account, sell your house...take the money and go to Vegas." He shrugged off the voice and went to work. As he was sitting at his cubicle he heard the voice again. "Quit your job, sell your car, empty out your bank accountsell your house...take the money and go to Vegas." Again he shrugged it off.

The next day the voice was all he heard. Every second of every minute. "Quit your job, sell your car, sell your house, empty out your bank account...take the money and go to Vegas." He finally decides to listen to the voice and does exactly what it says. He sells his house and car and empties out his bank account and hops the first flight to Vegas.

Once he arrives the voice says "Go to Caesar's Palace. Go to Caesar's Palace". So naturally he makes his way to Caesar's Palace. Upon entering the casino, the voice instructs him to go to the roulette table and put all his money on black17. He does so...

The wheel spins and lands on Red4. The voice says "****!!!" :lol:
Classic.
 

Victor Von Doom

Fist of teh Internets.
Joined
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Messages
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On The Edge
Baxter said:

Ain't it. 8)

I hate all these random mass e-mail jokes that go around. You want real classic jokes you gotta go old skool. I heard that one in Vegas one night and laughed my *** off for a good 30 minutes off it. When I tell it to most people nowadays they just look at me blankly. They don't get it. :shock:

How can you not get it?!?!?!

I then look at anyone who doesn't get it as my intellectual inferior.
 

Ice

Teh Sexy Monkey Queen
Joined
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Messages
43,800
Location
The World of Icelandia.
4 Doctors were talking shop one day...

An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We took an ******* out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country was looking for work the next day!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, - "This is the WORST book I've ever read!" "It has NO plot and far too many characters!"

The librarian looks up and calmly remarks - "So, you're the one who took our phone book..."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A man wakes up in a hospital bed after a terrible accident and cries - "DOC, DOC...I can't feel my legs, I can't feel my legs!!!

"Well of course you can't silly!", replies the Doc... "I've cut off both of your arms."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.

When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, "Sorry, heaven's crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."

He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?" "Oh, that's easy," the teacher replied, "the Titanic." So St. Peter let her into heaven.

Next he turned to the petty thief. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asked. "Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1,500." St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer. He simply said to him: "Name them."
 

Ice

Teh Sexy Monkey Queen
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Messages
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Location
The World of Icelandia.
Question: What is a sonofa*****, exactly?

Quite often we ask ourselves hard to answer questions like, "What is a sonofa*****?" The only true thing is that a picture is worth a thousand words. In this photo, the guy on the right is a member of a bomb squad in midst of a deactivation. The guy behind him, well, he's a sonofa*****.








S.jpg
 

Ice

Teh Sexy Monkey Queen
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Messages
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Bumper Stickers

IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illiterate? Write For Help.
~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost,
But is Miles From The Next Exit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits
With An Unarmed Person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph
Also Are Timed For 70 mph
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does
My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ax Me About Ebonics.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Boldly Going Nowhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heart Attacks: God's Revenge
For Eating His Animal Friends
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If You've Never Seen
An Uzi Fired >From A Car Window.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down
Before He Admits He is Lost?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND Finally













"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED
TO BE CHANGED OFTEN, AND FOR THE SAME REASON
 

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