ourchair
Well-Known Member
:lol: :lol: :lol: :shock:
Ultimate Houde
UC's Resident Genetic Recombinator
Why does a chicken coup have two doors?
Cause if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
Cause if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
ourchair
Well-Known Member
How do you make a dead baby float?
Dead baby plus a scoop of ice cream on top.
Dead baby plus a scoop of ice cream on top.
Bass
Nexus of the World
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Some of these are so ****ing black.
Here's one:
What's worse than a thousand babies in a trash can?
One baby in a thousand trash cans...
:sick:
A less sick one:
Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
Some of these are so ****ing black.
Here's one:
What's worse than a thousand babies in a trash can?
One baby in a thousand trash cans...
:sick:
A less sick one:
Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
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ourchair
Well-Known Member
Black as in 'black humor' or black as in 'African-American'?
:lol: :lol: :lol:Bass said:
Here's my favorite Terri Schiavo joke:
The nurses are in Terri's room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her.
So they go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband is skeptical, but decides it's worth a try. So they close curtains as the husband finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lines.
The nurses panic and run into the room. The husband is standing there pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."
Bass
Nexus of the World
oooohhohohohohohohohhohohhohoho! :twisted:
Willverine
Well-Known Member
What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a brand new Lamborghini?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
but seriously, folks...
Two peanuts were walking down the street, and one of them was assaulted.
(just say it out loud)
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
but seriously, folks...
Two peanuts were walking down the street, and one of them was assaulted.
(just say it out loud)
Bass
Nexus of the World
Both of those are good. :lol:
Ice
Teh Sexy Monkey Queen
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say
that before, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,"You're cute."
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
creature." Muldoon said,
"I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to the lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, .. "Those little bastards....."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say
that before, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,"You're cute."
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
creature." Muldoon said,
"I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to the lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, .. "Those little bastards....."
Iceshadow
Well-Known Member
Those are good Ice.:lol: :lol: :lol:
DGspider-fan
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Aug 22, 2006
- Messages
- 1,224
I want more dead baby jokes. :lol: :lol:
MaxwellSmart
Well-Known Member
Number two and four are the best, but they're all pretty good.
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Ice
Teh Sexy Monkey Queen
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his *** again!"
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his *** again!"
Bass
Nexus of the World
An Englishman, Chinaman, Italian(man), and Pakistani(man) are on a plane as its running out of fuel. They realise that the only way to land somewhere safe is to jettison som weight.
So the Chinaman grabs all the china on the plane and throws it out.
"Why did you do that?!" the others holler.
"Because there's loads of them in my country." the Chinaman explains.
The Italian grabs all the wine and pasta and throws it out.
"Why did you do that?!" the others holler.
"Because there's loads of them in my country." the Italian explains.
So the Englishman throws the Pakistani off the plane.
"Why did you do that?!" the others holler.
The Englishman responds: "Why not?"
So the Chinaman grabs all the china on the plane and throws it out.
"Why did you do that?!" the others holler.
"Because there's loads of them in my country." the Chinaman explains.
The Italian grabs all the wine and pasta and throws it out.
"Why did you do that?!" the others holler.
"Because there's loads of them in my country." the Italian explains.
So the Englishman throws the Pakistani off the plane.
"Why did you do that?!" the others holler.
The Englishman responds: "Why not?"
Dancanread
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- May 30, 2006
- Messages
- 1,638
A Frenchman, Irishman, and an Italian die and go to heaven, where they see St. Peter waiting for them at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says to them, "Allright, you've all lead pretty good lives, but you gotta answer one question right in order for me to allow you inside." He turns to the Frenchman and says,"What is the true meaning of Easter?"
The Frenchman says, "Mais oui! Easter is the day we celebrate the liberation of the Bastille!"
POOF! He disappears.
St Peter turns to the Irishman and says, "What is the true meaning of Easter?"
The Irishman says, "Easter's the day we celebrate the deeds of good ole St. Patrick, dontcha know!"
POOF. He too, disappears.
So an increasingly upset St Peter turns to the Italian and says, "Do YOU know the true meaning of Easter?!!"
The Italian says, "Well, when they crucified our lord Jesus Christ on Good Friday, they took his body on the cross and buried it in a mountain cave, covering the mouth of the cave with a boulder. Several days later, on Easter Sunday, our Lord rose up from the dead, moved aside the boulder with his divine given power, and walked triumphantly outside into the sun.....
and if he sees his shadow, then....."
POOF!
St. Peter says to them, "Allright, you've all lead pretty good lives, but you gotta answer one question right in order for me to allow you inside." He turns to the Frenchman and says,"What is the true meaning of Easter?"
The Frenchman says, "Mais oui! Easter is the day we celebrate the liberation of the Bastille!"
POOF! He disappears.
St Peter turns to the Irishman and says, "What is the true meaning of Easter?"
The Irishman says, "Easter's the day we celebrate the deeds of good ole St. Patrick, dontcha know!"
POOF. He too, disappears.
So an increasingly upset St Peter turns to the Italian and says, "Do YOU know the true meaning of Easter?!!"
The Italian says, "Well, when they crucified our lord Jesus Christ on Good Friday, they took his body on the cross and buried it in a mountain cave, covering the mouth of the cave with a boulder. Several days later, on Easter Sunday, our Lord rose up from the dead, moved aside the boulder with his divine given power, and walked triumphantly outside into the sun.....
and if he sees his shadow, then....."
POOF!
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Ice
Teh Sexy Monkey Queen
MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD
"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
(Rednecks know how to Git-R-Done).
"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
(Rednecks know how to Git-R-Done).
