The Jokes thread.

A man walks into a grocery story and asks a clerk if he could by half a head of lettuce. "We don't do that here. You're going to have to buy a whole head of lettuce or go somewhere else," responds the clerk.

The man pleads, "Can't you please ask your manager if it's alright?"
The clerk gives up and says, "Fine, I'll ask my manager"

The clerk walks into his manager's office and tells the manager, "Some ******* only wants to buy half a head of lettuce." At this point the clerk realizes the man is standing behind him and without missing a beat finishes by saying, "and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approves the deal and the man goes on his way with half a head of lettuce.

Later the manager says to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replies.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asks.
The boy says, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really?" says the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"No ****?" replies the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
 
Web Acronyms We'd Like to See

MAMILCR: Middle-aged man in lesbian chat room.

IMCO: In my correct opinion.

TSYHIOHP: That sound you hear is our helicopter, pervert.

MDSYMSCAMANHH2YHWALS: My dad saw your MySpace comment about me
and now he's headed to your house with a loaded shotgun.

LOLUISM: Laughed out loud until I soiled myself.

DOMETH: Dirty old man emulating teenage hottie.

CSYJSAUC: Congratulations, stud -- you just solicited an
undercover cop.

ROTFOF: Rolling on the floor on fire.

NYTNARF2020: Nubile young teen -- not a reporter from "20/20."

TULHBC!: THE UNDISCLOSED LOCATION HAS BEEN COMPROMISED!

TSWJA-WDTSSDWDDDDD: There she was just a-walking down the
street, singing, "Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do."

GFBMDJFNTGFA: [Gasping for breath] My dog just farted --
need to get fresh air!

D!: Dude!

IAARWIDLWMP: In an alternate reality where I don't live with
my parents.

ADHD: I'm sorry, what were you saying?

GGTBCOMFD: Gotta go -- the baby's choking on my flash drive.
 
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.

Here are some examples:


FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their ***.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.


***********************************************************


THE SEA by Kindergartners


(These were actually written by these kids)


  • This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
  • (Kelly age 6)

  • Oysters' balls are called pearls.
  • (James age 6)

  • If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent.
  • (Wayne age 7)

  • I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more.
  • (Kylie age 6)

  • A Dolphin breathes through an ***hole on the top of its head.
  • (Billy age 6)


  • I like mermaids. T hey are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?
  • (Helen age 7)

  • Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. T hey have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
  • (Christopher age 7)

  • When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.
  • (Kevin age 6)

  • There are a lot of suckers in the ocean. T he Mafia put them there.
  • (Russ age 5)
 
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speaker 1: okay there are 3 black roosters and a white cat sitting on a fence how many feet do the roosters have?
speaker 2: 6
speaker 1: okay how many wings do the roosters have?
speaker 2: 6
speaker 1: how many beaks do the rooster have?
speaker 2: 3
speaker 1: how many hairs does the cat have?
speaker 2: i don't know
speaker 1: how come you know so much about black **** and nothing about white *****?

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i posted this joke in the Emo thread a while back but it's still funny

speaker 1: why would somebody want emo grass?
speaker 2: i don't know
speaker 1: because then it would cut itself
 
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What does a mentally challenged person say to there dog?

down syndrome.

-----------------------------------------

How do you know owls are more intelligent than chickens?

How many Kentucky Fried Owls do you know?

--------------------------------------------------


Why was Santa's helper :( ?

because he had low ELF esteem
 
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Something I posted on the KH2 thread. Thought it'd be more apprpriate here.

Sora: Look! Ansem!

Mickey: No, that's Xehanort.

Sora: What?

Mickey: Yeah, the guy you killed awhile back wasn't Ansem. It was Xehanort.

Sora: But I thought Xemnas was Xehanort!

Mickey: No, Xemnas was Xehanort's Nobody.

Sora: But DiZ was Ansem's Nobody!

Mickey: No, he wasn't.

Sora: I thought he was!

Mickey: No, DiZ was Ansem.

Sora: But Xehanort was Ansem!

Mickey: Yes, but he's Ansem now.

Sora: Then who's that!

Mickey: That's Riku.

Sora: Riku dosen't look like Ansem!

Mickey: No, Riku looks like Xehanort.

Sora: What? But...he...she...it...ah, screw it!
 
Something I posted on the KH2 thread. Thought it'd be more apprpriate here.

Sora: Look! Ansem!

Mickey: No, that's Xehanort.

Sora: What?

Mickey: Yeah, the guy you killed awhile back wasn't Ansem. It was Xehanort.

Sora: But I thought Xemnas was Xehanort!

Mickey: No, Xemnas was Xehanort's Nobody.

Sora: But DiZ was Ansem's Nobody!

Mickey: No, he wasn't.

Sora: I thought he was!

Mickey: No, DiZ was Ansem.

Sora: But Xehanort was Ansem!

Mickey: Yes, but he's Ansem now.

Sora: Then who's that!

Mickey: That's Riku.

Sora: Riku dosen't look like Ansem!

Mickey: No, Riku looks like Xehanort.

Sora: What? But...he...she...it...ah, screw it!
...I have no idea what this means.
 
What did Helen Keller say when she fell down a well?

Nothing....she was wearing mittens. :lol:











What do you call a tennis match between Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder?

Endless Love
 
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Short joke:
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


Long Joke:

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Hah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too!
 
Why is there no Muslims on star trek?


Star trek is set in the future :lol:
 
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