The Jokes thread.

When I die I want to die like my grandfather. Quietly and peacefully in my sleep.





not shouting and screaming like the passengers in his car
 
There was this guy walking down the road when he noticed a night club
ahead. He went in, went up to the bar and asked for a drink. The bar owner,
who was tending bar, said, "I've never seen you in her before."

The guy says, "Yes, I'm not from around here. I'm just passing through on my
way to find a job."

The owner asks, "What do you do?"

The guy says, "I write music and play the piano."

The owner, looking excited says, "REALLY! I have an ad in the paper looking
for someone to play my piano. Please sit down at the keyboard and play for me
if you're interested."

The guy does and as he plays the piano the owner is in awe of his talent
and musical abilities. The owner says, "You play the piano more beautifully
than anyone I have ever heard! What is the name of that song?"

The guy says, "I wrote that song and the name is Two Lesbians ****ing Their
Brains Out."

The owner gasps and is taken back. He says, "My gosh, that's a terrible name
for such a beautiful song. Do you know any others?"

The guy smiles and plays again. Once more the owner is astounded by this
guy's talent and musical abilities. He's almost afraid to ask but he does
ask what the name of the song he just played.

The guy answers, "I ****ed Her All Night Until She Couldn't Take Anymore."

The owner again was shocked. The owner says, "Ok, you play beautifully and
the songs you have written are incrediable. I will hire you, but you have
to promise not to tell the name of your songs to the patrons." The guy
agrees.

That night the guy was playing the piano and the crowd was just as amazed
as the owner was with this man's musical abilities. After playing two
songs the crowd stood up and applauded. The guy was really pleased and
stood up to take a bow. When he stood up and faced the audience, it was
apparent that his zipper was open and his dick and balls were hanging out.


One of the patrons close to the piano says, "Sir, do you know your dick and
balls are hanging out?"

The guy smiles and says, "Know it? I WROTE IT!"
 
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Doc Comic said:
There was this guy walking down the road when he noticed a night club
ahead. He went in, went up to the bar and asked for a drink. The bar owner,
who was tending bar, said, "I've never seen you in her before."

The guy says, "Yes, I'm not from around here. I'm just passing through on my
way to find a job."

The owner asks, "What do you do?"

The guy says, "I write music and play the piano."

The owner, looking excited says, "REALLY! I have an ad in the paper looking
for someone to play my piano. Please sit down at the keyboard and play for me
if you're interested."

The guy does and as he plays the piano the owner is in awe of his talent
and musical abilities. The owner says, "You play the piano more beautifully
than anyone I have ever heard! What is the name of that song?"

The guy says, "I wrote that song and the name is Two Lesbians ****ing Their
Brains Out."

The owner gasps and is taken back. He says, "My gosh, that's a terrible name
for such a beautiful song. Do you know any others?"

The guy smiles and plays again. Once more the owner is astounded by this
guy's talent and musical abilities. He's almost afraid to ask but he does
ask what the name of the song he just played.

The guy answers, "I ****ed Her All Night Until She Couldn't Take Anymore."

The owner again was shocked. The owner says, "Ok, you play beautifully and
the songs you have written are incrediable. I will hire you, but you have
to promise not to tell the name of your songs to the patrons." The guy
agrees.

That night the guy was playing the piano and the crowd was just as amazed
as the owner was with this man's musical abilities. After playing two
songs the crowd stood up and applauded. The guy was really pleased and
stood up to take a bow. When he stood up and faced the audience, it was
apparent that his zipper was open and his dick and balls were hanging out.


One of the patrons close to the piano says, "Sir, do you know your dick and
balls are hanging out?"

The guy smiles and says, "KNOW IT, I WROTE IT!"
Click to expand...

:lol: :lol: :lol:
 
Written by Isaac Asimov, paraphrased by me...

Joe walks into a bar and sees his best friend Bill sitting in the corner with a lot of empty bottles. Joe walks up to Bill and says, "What happened?"

Bill says, "My wife ran off with my best friend."

Joe says, "But I thought I was your best friend!"

"Not anymore."
 
Doc Comic said:
There was this guy walking down the road when he noticed a night club
ahead. He went in, went up to the bar and asked for a drink. The bar owner,
who was tending bar, said, "I've never seen you in her before."

The guy says, "Yes, I'm not from around here. I'm just passing through on my
way to find a job."

The owner asks, "What do you do?"

The guy says, "I write music and play the piano."

The owner, looking excited says, "REALLY! I have an ad in the paper looking
for someone to play my piano. Please sit down at the keyboard and play for me
if you're interested."

The guy does and as he plays the piano the owner is in awe of his talent
and musical abilities. The owner says, "You play the piano more beautifully
than anyone I have ever heard! What is the name of that song?"

The guy says, "I wrote that song and the name is Two Lesbians ****ing Their
Brains Out."

The owner gasps and is taken back. He says, "My gosh, that's a terrible name
for such a beautiful song. Do you know any others?"

The guy smiles and plays again. Once more the owner is astounded by this
guy's talent and musical abilities. He's almost afraid to ask but he does
ask what the name of the song he just played.

The guy answers, "I ****ed Her All Night Until She Couldn't Take Anymore."

The owner again was shocked. The owner says, "Ok, you play beautifully and
the songs you have written are incrediable. I will hire you, but you have
to promise not to tell the name of your songs to the patrons." The guy
agrees.

That night the guy was playing the piano and the crowd was just as amazed
as the owner was with this man's musical abilities. After playing two
songs the crowd stood up and applauded. The guy was really pleased and
stood up to take a bow. When he stood up and faced the audience, it was
apparent that his zipper was open and his dick and balls were hanging out.


One of the patrons close to the piano says, "Sir, do you know your dick and
balls are hanging out?"

The guy smiles and says, "Know it? I WROTE IT!"
Click to expand...
:lol: :lol: :lol:

LOLARAMA
 
I don't know if this is an old joke or not (it sounds like one), but I heard a guy on the radio say it today and it made me laugh:

"The benefit to having Alzheimer's is that you get to meet new people every day."
 
From Warren Ellis's Hellblazer arc:


What has two legs and bleeds a lot?


Half a dog.
 
if girls with big breats work at hooters where do girls with one leg work?




IHOP:lol:
 
A Harvard freshman, newly arrived, is looking for the library. He stops an upperclassman and says, "Pardon me, can you tell me where the library is at?"

The upperclassman sneers at him. "At Harvard, we do not end our sentences with a preposition."

The freshman considers this and rephrases his question. "Can you tell me where the library is at, jackass?"
 
saintpetesam said:
A Harvard freshman, newly arrived, is looking for the library. He stops an upperclassman and says, "Pardon me, can you tell me where the library is at?"

The upperclassman sneers at him. "At Harvard, we do not end our sentences with a preposition."

The freshman considers this and rephrases his question. "Can you tell me where the library is at, jackass?"
Click to expand...

:lol:, nice!

Catholic joke!

Three guys walk into a Church to confess their sins. The first one walks up to the the priest and the priest says "What is your sin, my son?" The man replies "Forgive me, Father, but I have cheated on my wife." The priest responds "You are forgiven, my son. As penance, I want you to say 10 Hail Marys and to drink some Holy Water."

The second man walks up to the priest, and the priest asks "What is your sin, my son?", to which the man replies "Forgive me, Father, but I have murdered someone". The priest responds "You are forgiven, my son. As penance, I want you to say the Lord's Prayer three times a day for a month and to drink some Holy Water."

The third man walks up to the priest after this, to which the priest asks "And what is your sin, my son?" to which the man replies "I peed in the Holy Water".
 
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So a man goes up to his friend and says "You wouldn't believe what happened to me today."

The friend says "What?"

So the guy says "Well, I was reading the newspaper this morning and I noticed the date was 07/07/07. It's also my son's 7th birthday and a Saturday, the 7th day of the week. I turned on the TV, and the movie Se7en was playing on channel 7. This was all starting to get to me, so I decided to take a walk. While out, I checked on my account at the 7th National Bank and realized I had $777 dollars in it. I thought this might mean something, that I could get lucky somehow. I went down to the horse track and sure enough, in the 7th race of the day there was a horse competing named Lucky Number Seven."

"What'd you do?"

"Well, I went back to the 7th National, withdrew my $777 dollars, took it down to the track and bet it all on Lucky Number Seven."

"Wow! How much did you win?"

"Nothing. He came in seventh."


Enjoy that joke now, it won't be valid for another hundred years!
 
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box. He opens the door, sits down and says nothing. The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts. Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
 
And now, in celebration of 500 POSTS! WOOT!

An old woman goes into the main branch of Chase Manhattan bank one day, and says she has $75,000 in cash to deposit. For such a large sum of cash, the bank rules stated that the president of the bank had to accompany her to their vault. He was there that day and happily obliged, out of novelty and curiosity. As he was accompanying her to the vault, he gave in and asked her where such an old lady got so much money?
"I make bets," said the old lady.
"What do you mean? What kind of bets?", he asked.
"I'll give you an example, she said. "I will bet you $25,000 that by this time tomorrow, your balls will be square."
The bank manager felt guilty about taking such a sure thing, and relieving a nice old lady of her money, but he figured she had enough that it wasn't too big a deal, and once again, his curiosity was piqued. He accepted.

The bank president went home that night feeling confident. Although, just before he went to sleep he checked his package in the mirror just to make sure the old lady wasn't a witch or something and could actually pull it off somehow. No change. His balls were round as they always were.

The next day at the same time the old lady showed up, as she said she would. She had another man with her, who turned out to be a lawyer. She explained that for such a large sum of money at stake she wanted an attorney to witness the transaction to make sure everything was on the up and up, if the bank president didn't mind. He certainly didn't, as he'd just checked his boys a few minutes earlier and noticed nothing out of the ordinary. They all went to the president's office in the back and the old lady asked the president to drop his pants. He did so, and still no change. The old lady then said, "Do you mind if i feel them just to make sure?"
"Go ahead," said the president, willing to suffer the small indignity for a lot of money coming to him. As the old lady cupped his privates, he saw the lawyer all of a sudden hang his head down, seemingly of embarrassment. As the old lady started handing over the winnings to the president, he said, "I have to ask you, why did you bet $25,000 on something so ludicrous?"
The old lady replied,"Cause I bet the lawyer $75,000 that I'd be holding the balls of the president of Chase Manhattan bank within 24 hours."
 
I re-read the entire thread last night to my brother, and I couldn't help but laugh all over again as if it was the first time I read them.


Good stuff.
 
One night a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Everyone else left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
 
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."


To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, *****."
 
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