moonmaster
Without him, all of you would be lost souls roamin
- Joined
- Feb 23, 2005
- Messages
- 13,670
As a Black Mexo-French Muslim Jew, I am highly offended.
Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short,everything they could think of.
Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down & enrolled him in the localCatholicSchool. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work.
His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math.
She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well then" , she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?".
Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down & enrolled him in the localCatholicSchool. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work.
His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math.
She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well then" , she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?".
Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
Englishman, American and a Muslim getting pissed at the top of the empire state building. The American turns to the Muslim and says, "You can jump off here and the wind will keep you floating". The Muslim says, "Prove it". So the American jumps off and floats for 5 minutes. So the Muslim tries it and falls to his death. The Englishman turns round and says, "****ing hell Superman you're a nasty **** when you're pissed"
:lol:
:lol:
ourchair
Well-Known Member
+515 Ourchair Points. :lol::lol::lol:
Ice
Teh Sexy Monkey Queen
Doctors' Comments On Patient Charts:
"Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."
"On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely."
"The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993."
"Discharge status: Alive but without permission."
"Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."
"The patient refused an autopsy."
"The patient has no past history of suicides."
"Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital."
"Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days."
"Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."
"She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."
"She is numb from her toes down."
"While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."
"The skin was moist and dry."
"Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches."
"Patient was alert and unresponsive."
"She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce."
"I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."
"The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead."
"Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."
"Skin: Somewhat pale but present."
"Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree."
"By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better."
"The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."
"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."
"Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing."
"The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him."
"The patient expired on the floor uneventfully."
"Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."
"On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely."
"The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993."
"Discharge status: Alive but without permission."
"Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."
"The patient refused an autopsy."
"The patient has no past history of suicides."
"Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital."
"Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days."
"Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."
"She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."
"She is numb from her toes down."
"While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."
"The skin was moist and dry."
"Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches."
"Patient was alert and unresponsive."
"She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce."
"I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."
"The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead."
"Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."
"Skin: Somewhat pale but present."
"Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree."
"By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better."
"The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."
"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."
"Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing."
"The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him."
"The patient expired on the floor uneventfully."
Iceshadow
Well-Known Member
Q: What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies?
A: You can't unload bowling balls with a pitchfork.
A: You can't unload bowling balls with a pitchfork.
ourchair
Well-Known Member
Ohhhhhh... don't get me started on dead baby jokes.
I've got plenty of them.
And only half of them involve pedophilia.
I've got plenty of them.
And only half of them involve pedophilia.
Iceshadow
Well-Known Member
Do tell!
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowplough?
How many recovering alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb only?
How do you know when your at an anorexic party ?
Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a greyhound?
Whats black and screams?
Give the ***** a shovel.....
How many recovering alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb only?
only one but the light bulb has to want to change
How do you know when your at an anorexic party ?
The cake jumps out of the girl
Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a greyhound?
The greyhound waits for the hare.
Whats black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron
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Ice
Teh Sexy Monkey Queen
These are the best. :lol:
Is Partial Compendium Latvian Humor Joke
Joke:
Latvian walk into bar with pig on shoulder. Bartender say, "That look delicious!" But pig say, "No. Is Latvian. Taste is similar to dog."
Joke:
Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, "Why so long face?" Latvian say, "I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby. "
Joke:
Is dead dog in road. Is dead Latvian in road. What difference?
Dog have fur keep warm. Also, freedom. And dog try eat poop for pleasure not just survive. So many thing!
Joke:
Is Latvian couple have been marry 60 years! But for long times, is no making sex. For 60th wedding anniversary, wife is buy for husband hooker for the have sex! Hooker is arrive at door one fine day and is say to husband, "Hello! I here give you super sex!" Man is say, "Oh! I will have the soup." Then hooker is say, "What? You have soup? Why you no told this?"
Joke:
Knock knock
Who's there?
Latvian.
Latvian who?
Please open door. Is cold.
Joke:
Janis: I hope my son does not die during night.
Guntis: What is "hope"?
Janis: Yes. I know what you say.
Guntis: No. I am serious. What is hope?
Janis: In truth, I do not know.
Joke:
Latvian walk into bar with pig on shoulder. Bartender say, "That look delicious!" But pig say, "No. Is Latvian. Taste is similar to dog."
Joke:
Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, "Why so long face?" Latvian say, "I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby. "
Joke:
Is dead dog in road. Is dead Latvian in road. What difference?
Dog have fur keep warm. Also, freedom. And dog try eat poop for pleasure not just survive. So many thing!
Joke:
Is Latvian couple have been marry 60 years! But for long times, is no making sex. For 60th wedding anniversary, wife is buy for husband hooker for the have sex! Hooker is arrive at door one fine day and is say to husband, "Hello! I here give you super sex!" Man is say, "Oh! I will have the soup." Then hooker is say, "What? You have soup? Why you no told this?"
Joke:
Knock knock
Who's there?
Latvian.
Latvian who?
Please open door. Is cold.
Joke:
Janis: I hope my son does not die during night.
Guntis: What is "hope"?
Janis: Yes. I know what you say.
Guntis: No. I am serious. What is hope?
Janis: In truth, I do not know.
ProjectX2
Don't expect me to take you with me when I go to s
- Joined
- Sep 15, 2004
- Messages
- 25,007
apparently MJ hasn't been this stiff since Mckauly culkin stayed round
Jockeys at Aintree are going to wear black armbands out of respect for Michael Jackson who successfully rode more 3 year olds than anyone in living memory.
btw ... i heard MJ died of food poisoning, but that's what you get for eating 12 year old nuts
what the difference between michael jackson and alex Ferguson.. fergie will be playing giggs in august
Los Angeles police have now been round to Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch this afternoon. It is being reported that they
found Class A drugs in his kitchen, Class B drugs in his bathroom and Class 4C in his bedroom.
i heard McDonalds are gonna produce the wacko jacko burger in memory of the pop superstar. it's 50 year aged meat between two 5 year old buns
apparently MJ was last seen in the children's ward having a stroke
Michael Jackson is dead. Hospital staff don't know what to do with the body as plastic recycle night is not until next Tuesday, I heard they may melt him down and use him in children's toys so that kids can play with him for a change
Michael Jackson's dates have all been cancelled......James 10, Steve 7.......
When Farah Fawcett died, she got to heaven, and was granted one wish......she wished for all the children in the world to be safe
Jockeys at Aintree are going to wear black armbands out of respect for Michael Jackson who successfully rode more 3 year olds than anyone in living memory.
btw ... i heard MJ died of food poisoning, but that's what you get for eating 12 year old nuts
what the difference between michael jackson and alex Ferguson.. fergie will be playing giggs in august
Los Angeles police have now been round to Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch this afternoon. It is being reported that they
found Class A drugs in his kitchen, Class B drugs in his bathroom and Class 4C in his bedroom.
i heard McDonalds are gonna produce the wacko jacko burger in memory of the pop superstar. it's 50 year aged meat between two 5 year old buns
apparently MJ was last seen in the children's ward having a stroke
Michael Jackson is dead. Hospital staff don't know what to do with the body as plastic recycle night is not until next Tuesday, I heard they may melt him down and use him in children's toys so that kids can play with him for a change
Michael Jackson's dates have all been cancelled......James 10, Steve 7.......
When Farah Fawcett died, she got to heaven, and was granted one wish......she wished for all the children in the world to be safe
Iceshadow
Well-Known Member
The class one is hilarious.
Frapalino
Well-Known Member
one of my favorites.
A homeless man walks up to a guy and asks for some spare change.
Guy says, "Neither a borrower nor a lender be. Shakespeare."
Homeless man says, "**** you. Mamet."
A homeless man walks up to a guy and asks for some spare change.
Guy says, "Neither a borrower nor a lender be. Shakespeare."
Homeless man says, "**** you. Mamet."
Captain Canuck
The poster formerly known as captaincanuck65
there's a joke thread? how did i miss this?
The Hunchback of Notre Dame wanted to go on vacation, but he had to find someone to ring the bells for him while he was away; so he put an ad in the local Paris newspapers.
Several people responded and he let each of them try ringing the bells but none of them were very good at it. Finally, after several weeks of waiting a man with no arms approached him and inquired about the job. The hunchback laughed and asked how he was going to ring the bells without any arms. The man just smiled and asked for a chance to prove himself. Reluctantly the hunchback agreed and they went up into the cathedral together.
The hunchback showed the no-armed man the bells and told him to give it a try, the man backed up out to the balcony and then ran face-first into the bell, which produced the clearest ringing sound the hunchback had ever heard! He hired him on the spot and left immediately for his vacation.
For two weeks the no-armed man rang the bells and all the people of Paris noticed how clear the bell-ringing sounded. Then, on the day the hunchback was to come back from his vacation, the no-armed man was preparing to ring the bells for the last time and tripped over some rope and fell off the balcony to his death on the streets below.
When the hunchback returned from his vacation shortly after this, he found Notre Dame surrounded by police tape and a crowd of gawkers. He went up to see what the commotion was all about and saw the dead body of the no-armed man. "Oh no!" he exclaimed loudly enough to attract the attention of the chief of police. "Do you know who this is?" the police chief asked. "Well, I don't know his name," the hunchback replied, "but his face sure rings a bell!"
badumbum
And then there's this one (which works better spoken than written):
Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
The Hunchback of Notre Dame wanted to go on vacation, but he had to find someone to ring the bells for him while he was away; so he put an ad in the local Paris newspapers.
Several people responded and he let each of them try ringing the bells but none of them were very good at it. Finally, after several weeks of waiting a man with no arms approached him and inquired about the job. The hunchback laughed and asked how he was going to ring the bells without any arms. The man just smiled and asked for a chance to prove himself. Reluctantly the hunchback agreed and they went up into the cathedral together.
The hunchback showed the no-armed man the bells and told him to give it a try, the man backed up out to the balcony and then ran face-first into the bell, which produced the clearest ringing sound the hunchback had ever heard! He hired him on the spot and left immediately for his vacation.
For two weeks the no-armed man rang the bells and all the people of Paris noticed how clear the bell-ringing sounded. Then, on the day the hunchback was to come back from his vacation, the no-armed man was preparing to ring the bells for the last time and tripped over some rope and fell off the balcony to his death on the streets below.
When the hunchback returned from his vacation shortly after this, he found Notre Dame surrounded by police tape and a crowd of gawkers. He went up to see what the commotion was all about and saw the dead body of the no-armed man. "Oh no!" he exclaimed loudly enough to attract the attention of the chief of police. "Do you know who this is?" the police chief asked. "Well, I don't know his name," the hunchback replied, "but his face sure rings a bell!"
badumbum
And then there's this one (which works better spoken than written):
Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
because B-shells are too small!
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Top 45 Oxymoron's:
45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works
45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works
Ice
Teh Sexy Monkey Queen
A woman can do 70 things. Cooking and 69.
Ice
Teh Sexy Monkey Queen
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.
