Things I May Have Said To My Daughter
"You keep that up and I'm going to confiscate your arms and legs."
"Shut up or you and all your little friends are going to prison."
"I can have Santa Claus killed by old gangsters in Shoebury for less than your goddamn Barbies cost, so don't **** with me."
"When we were in Lapland, I ate Rudolph."
"I don't care what words Uncle Alan taught you in the LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN book he gave you -- call me an afterbirth again and I'm putting you in the washing machine."
"I know where your Death Nerve is. So behave yourself."
"No, you can't have a puppy."
"Oxygen is a privilege, not a right."
"I see a puppy in this house and I'm microwaving the ****er."
"I can slap the life clean out of your little body."
"Go and tell your mother that you want to be a 'retroactive abortion'. Here, let me write it down for you."
"Ask your mother what '****er' means. Tell her I called her one too."
"Eat your dinner or I'm going to liquidise it and inject it into your neck while you're asleep."
"No, you can't have a kitten. You know the fluffy gloves you wear in winter? They used to be kittens. We're not allowed to have them now."
"Put your toys away or I'm going to wee in your bed."
"I can hide your body where no-one will find it. Do your ****ing homework."
"You know, your mother says there was a mix-up at the hospital and she brought the wrong child home. I just think my sperm rotted in her booze-poisoned womb."
"I can sell you to chimney sweeps. They put you on the end of a stick and shove you up fireplaces. Well, do your ****ing homework
"No, you can't have a tiger. You want to know why? Go ask Siegfried and ****ing Roy."
(C) Warren Ellis 2004, 2007