Joe Kalicki
Well-Known Member
That was from the bus ride!
Though, personally, I think I picked it up from Pittsburgh. . .
Ultimate Central: The Fanfic - Volume 9
- Thread starter Dr.Strangefate
- Start date
That was from the bus ride!
Though, personally, I think I picked it up from Pittsburgh. . .
Ultimate Houde
UC's Resident Genetic Recombinator
Joilet Illinois
A huge caravan of vehicles rumbled into town, black army hummers, black helicopters, and finally, a minivan, decked out in red flames with the bumper sticker, 'I Honk For Asian Chicks'.
The minivan stops in front of an apartment complex. The door slides open in the black, and a man in white hair steps out. He adjusts his suit, and walks over to the building, but before he gets there, he looks at a man in the corner. He seemed to be coming back from his job, he was looking at the cars and everything, not in wonderment, but it seemed to be a look of acknowledgment. Adjusting his grocery bag of goodies, he walks around all the military personal, and stops in front of the man with white hair. The white haired man lights a cigarette, and puts it in his mouth.
Man: Cheeseburgers cause high blood pressure.
White Haired Man: Joe Kalicki I presume.
Man: My name is Joe Kalicki, and I know stuff.
White Haired Man: Really, care to share what you know, Centralite.
Joe Kalicki reaches into the grocery bag, and pulls out a magazine. He drops the rest of the bag on the ground; the magazine evidently was its only occupant.
Joe Kalicki: Well, I know you are called JonnyFreeze, and I knew when you would be here, so I made sure I could get away.
JonnyFreeze: Oh really now? How do you plan on doing that Mr. I Know Stuff. I'm the head of a…
Joe Kalicki interrupted him by holding up his hand and speaking.
Joe Kalicki: A leader of s super secret organization that wants to eradicate the Centralite menace, yes I know. I also know your weakness.
JonnyFreeze: Alright Smartypants, I'll bite, what's my supposed weakness?
Joe Kalicki: This.
He hands JonnyFreeze the magazine, and proceeds to walk away. Jonny's cigarette falls out of his mouth and he stares at the magazine. Army guards watch Joe Kalicki walk away, as years of obeying orders forces them to have to wait for JonnyFreeze to give the order for an attack. JonnyFreeze opens the page trembling, and what he sees makes a smile spread across his face.
Soldier: Sir! The Centralite is getting away!
JonneyFreeze: Son, you interrupt my time again, I will shoot you. I'm going in the van for a minute.
As he walked off, holding the magazine, one of the Soldiers sees the magazine title.
Soldier: Who knew, the boss' weakness seems to be Japanese schoolgirls
JonnyFreeze enters the van, and several seconds later, it begins to move back and forth.
~ NURHACHI & DR.STRANGEFATE PRESENT ~
ULTIMATE CENTRAL
THE FANFIC
I Know Stuff
Volume 9, Issue 64, By Ultimate Houde
Just outside Joilet
Minutes before
A car was on the side of the highway, and two people were looking in the hood of a car.
Victor Von Doom: Why do you drive this piece of crap?
McCheese: Piece of crap? PIECE OF CRAP! This is a genuine 1993 Chevy Nova
Limited Eddie Bauer Edition. I call her Sheila.
Victor Von Doom: Isn't that the same name of the old hooker you wanted to pick up?
McCheese: I will hurt you
Victor Von Doom: The radiator's blown, and from the evidence, while I was asleep you've been driving on two flat tires.
McCheese: What, one popped so I had to even it out on the other side. It's what Daddy McCheese taught me to do.
Victor Von Doom: Daddy McCheese deserved a punch from Doom to set him straight.
McCheese: I'm sick of your taunts!
Victor Von Doom: And what are you going to do about it?
McCheese: Sulk in the corner.
Victor Von Doom: We are on the highway, there is no corner.
McCheese: Damn you and your superior logic!
McCheese sits on the side of the road while VVD continues to poke around the car. Eventually, McCheese gets frustrated, and stands back up.
McCheese: Listen. this in fighting is getting us nowhere, we need to pull together if we are going to be a team.
Victor Von Doom: Actually, I think Sheila is getting us nowhere.
McCheese: She's sensitive, don't talk to her like that! It's okay baby.
McCheese rubs the hood lovingly
Victor Von Doom: Listen, let's just walk to town, and from there we can find this Joe Kalicki guy and, I don't know, use his car or something.
Several Black hummers drive past, followed by a van with flames and the aforementioned bumper sticker about honing for Asian Chicks.
McCheese: Whoa, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Victor Von Doom: That we should be careful of a super secret military operation that is trying to capture me?
McCheese: Hells no, that we should steal that van. I totally honk for Asian chicks too.
Without waiting for VVD's response, McCheese follows the van, VVD runs after him. They turn the corner in time to see Joe Kalicki run off in the opposite direction. McCheese heads towards the van while all the soldiers where preoccupied. VVD followed. They entered the van unnoticed.
Victor Von Doom: Now what?
McCheese: People always put keys in the visor.
He lowers the visor and the keys fall out.
McCheese: Awesome.
The van door opens and Jonnyfreeze walks into it. He settles on one of the back couches of the van, and eagerly opens the magazine.
JonnyuFreeze: OMG, I luv japgirls!
VVD turned around to look at his former boss and current pursuer.
Victor Von Doom: This is my arch enemy, are you serious?
JonnyFreeze looked up.
Victor Von Doom: Heya boss! McCheese, do you mind?
JonnyFreeze: What in tarnation?
McCheese whispered.
McCheese: Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Joonyfreeze took the full brunt of the soundwave, and bursted out the back of the van along with the couch. His magazine was shredded and fell in pieces around him. JonnyFreeze looked up in time to see the van peel off, and VVD waving at him with the one fingered salute.
JOnnyFreeze: Those pricks, what are you waiting for, FIRE! CHASE THEM DOWN! MAKE THEM BLEED!
The soldiers started to fire. Bullets rained into the van as it took the corner, it's bulletproof armor holding for the moment under the assault. They took the corner extremely fast. McCheese was barely able to control it, and it slammed into the opposite building.
Victor Von Doom: Get out of the damn driving seat
McCheese: I think one of the tires are flat. I should go puncture the other one to even it off.
Victor Von Doom: You are not touching anything on this van, NOW MOVE OVER BEFORE THEY CATCH UP TO US!
McCheese: Man..
VVD had to physically remove McCheese from the driver's seat, and he jumped in it, he quickly got the van moving again. Several hummers managed to take the corner, and started to follow them. McCheese took a deep breath.
Victor Von Doom: Don't say your word!
McCheese: Why not?
Victor Von Doom: The recoil doesn't affect you but I don't want to see what it does to the van.
McCheese: So what do you want me to do.
Victor Von Doom: Take this gun and shoot them
VVD handed him a machine gun. McCheese grabbed it, and smiled gleefully. He pointed it out the back of the open van.
McCheese: Say hello to my little friend.
He squeezed the trigger, and the recoil of the gun caused him to fall backwards, and he sent a whole clip of bullets out the ceiling of the vehicle. Several bullets bounced around the inside of the van, a couple hitting VVD, not doing more than making him more annoyed than he already was.
Victor Von Doom: McCheese, you suck.
McCheese: Hey, not my fault I never used guns before and you didn't warn me.
McCheese struggled back up, replaced the clip, and went to shot again, but this time, VVD took a sharp corner, causing McCheese to tumble in the back of the van, and slam his head.
Victor Von Doom: Oh sorry I didn't warn you about that too. My bad.
There car blew past Joe Kalicki, who was counting under his breath. When he reached ten, he threw out a spike strip that he got from work. The Spike strip hit the ground just as the hummers came around the corner. They hit the strip, and their tires all popped, causing a massive pile up of hummers (hehehe hummers). Joe Kalicki smiled.
Joe Kalicki: I told them my name is Joe Kalicki, and that I know stuff. I hope my relief showed up in time.
He bolted down the alleyway, heading for his next stop.
VVD and McCheese, unaware that they were being assisted, turned down another random road, only to find three helicopters blocking there path. VVD slammed the brakes, and the van skidded to a stop right in front of the spinning blades.
McCheese: REVERSE! PUT IT IN REVERSE!
Victor Von Doom: I'm trying!
The gears were grinded in the van as the helicopters bore down on them. Right before they got to them, an electrical wire fell down, getting caught in the chopper blades of the lead helicopter. The wire messed up the propeller system enough that it stalled, sending crashing into another one of the on comers, which created another pileup of sorts, slowly stopping all the helicopters as they ran into each other.
McCheese: Awesome
One of the helicopters exploded, causing a chain reaction, VVD got the van into gear, and took off around the street corner. Explosions followed them, the whole block going up.
McCheese: Incredibly awesome
VVD slammed the brakes on the van, causing McCheese to tumble and hit the front windshield. He sat up, rubbing his jaw.
McCheese: That was not awesome.
Victor Von Doom: I think we have trouble.
McCheese: Why?
Victor Von Doom: Why don't you see why I stopped jackass.
McCheese turned to look. In the middle of the street there was a brick wall, that was wet. The color of it dripped in places, and form behind it out walked JonnyFreeze, who was holding a paintbrush in one hand, and a gun in the other. He pointed the handgun at the car.
Victor Von Doom: The car is bullet proof, he would know that.
JonnyFreeze smiled, and squeezed the trigger. Out of the gun came a bullet, dressed like a cowboy, who pulled out two giant machine guns of his own.
Bullet Cowboy: Yeehaw Partnah!
McCheese and VVD looked at each other, then the bullet, then back at each other. The dove out the back as the bullet cowboy squeezed the triggers on his guns. Bullets rained into the van, and one of them managed to rip open the fuel line, igniting the van, and it too went up in flames.
The bumper sticker landed in McCheese's open hands.
McCheese: NO! I LIKED THAT VAN! I will always remember you A-Team van.
JonnyFreeze walked around the burning carcass of the van, still smiling. His paintbrush was wet with new paint on it. He quickly drew an outline in the air, and it solidified to an octopus, complete with an eyeglass, smoking several cigars, and a hand of cards.
Gentlemen Octopus: Goodday gents, sorry about this.
One of the tentacles whipped out, and wrapped around VVD, trying to crush him. VVD struggled to be released from the grip, but the tentacles were too strong.
Victor Von Doom: I'm too young to become part of hentai rape.
McCheese: I've had enough of this guy.
McCheese went to go say his word when JonnyFreese squeezed the trigger three more times, The fiurst two bullets came out dressed in towels. They swarmed around McCheese's head, wrapping his mouth in a towel. The remaining bullet pulled out an axe, and screamed out the top of it's lungs a cry of challenge. McCheese, now unable to say his word, yelped like a little girl. He was saved though by a timely intervention of water. It started off a sa drizzle, but quickly became a downpour, the sky dumping it's contents out on the combatants. The towel around McCheese's head started to melt, the bullet in midair screamed about melting, the Gentlemen Octopus waved it's tentacles in the air, and slowly melted.
JonnyFreeze: Crap, I hate rain.
Joe Kalicki walked onto the street, holding an umbrella above his head.
Joe Kalicki: Told you I'm Joe Kalicki, and I know stuff. This downpour is going to last all day, I suggest you get out of here now, while you can.
JonnyFreeze: I'll get you guys later then, you can't live in a rainstorm all your life.
He pressed a button on his suit, and disappeared in a flash a flash of green light.
McCheese: Dude, he just vanished.
Victor Von Doom: He teleported, that's all. We stole the tech from Ultimate Central itself.
McCheese: So you're Joe Kalicki huh?
Joe Kalicki: Yup.
McCheese: And you know stuff
Joe Kakicki: Yup.
Victor Von Doom: So you know what I'm going to ask you
Joe Kalicki: Yup.
Victor Von Doom: So your answer?
Joe Kalicki: No idea.
The rain stopped, the torrent becoming a drizzle then the sun came out.
Victor Von Doom: I thought you said it was going to rain out all day.
Joe Kalicki: I know stuff, never said I didn't lie. Your welcome by the way.
Victor Von Doom: For what, the sudden rain storm?
Joe Kalicki: For stopping the hummers…
McCheese: hehehe Hummers…
Joe Kalicki: …and the helicopters. Seriously, you would have gotten your asses kicked.
Victor Von Doom: We should get out of here before Jonny gets smart and heads back our way.
Joe Kalicki: Yeah, my car is around the corner, fully gassed and ready to go. Oh, we are heading towards Ohio next.
Victor Von Doom: Why Ohio?
Joe Kalicki: Cause, we need to pick up the next member of our team, well, we need to rescue them from jail, TwilightEL and Wade_Wilson.
McCheese: Wade I can see, but TwilightEL in jail?
Joe Kalicki: Don't ask me.
The trio got in the car and drove off. As they drove away, a huge man with a white Mohawk watched them drive away.
Selfproclaimed: I have them in sight master.
~ THE INTERWEB VIKINGS PROUDLY PRESENT IN STEREO SURROUND SOUND AND WIDESCREEN *****ES! ~
KING OF LUAU!
Not by Ultimate Houde, but by the bestest member evah conceived! TOG!
Hawaii
Curly, carrying Thee Great One's head, walked across the street and was greeted by the sound of music and fun. Fires were blazing on the beach, several people were dancing to the music, and the atmosphere was fun. Unconsciously Curly began to dance the music, shaking his golden *** back and forth.
Several girls squealed at Curly, not in fright, but in delight.
Girl: Are you the mascot from across the street.
Curly waved his options in his mind.
Curly: Why yes I am, my friends call me Curly, but you girls can call me boyfriend if you want.
Girl: What are you carrying?
Curly looked at Thee Great One's head in his hand.
Thee Great One: What are you looking at?
Curly: A puppy
Thee Great One: What did you call me, a puppy? Wait, were are you putting me!
Curly put Thee Great One on the ground. The girls all looked at him with wide eyes.
Thee Great One: What are you inferior flesh bags looking at huh?
The girls all awed.
Girls: It's trying to bark, that's so cute! You are great Gold Giant mascot.
Thee Great One: What do you mean trying to talk?
Girls: He's so ugly he's cute!
Thee Great One: Stop trying to pet my…oh…that feels good. Um, whine whine, grr?
Girls: He likes it!
Curly: Ladies, let's go walk on the beach and leave the puppy alone, it needs some sleep.
Girls: Sounds good to me!
Thee Great One rolled off, leaving the girls surrounding Curly. He followed his senses to find the next part of his body. What he saw surprised him.
It was his waist and legs, and attached to the top of it was the upper half of a scarecrow. He overheard two people talking.
Manager: I found him on the side of the road one day, whipped him up to shape and made myself the best luau champion ever.
Person: That's awesome
Thee Great One: HEY! YOU UP THERE! GIVE ME MY WAIST AND LEGS BACK!
The Manager looked down at Thee Great One's head.
Manager: Oh, so that's your lower body huh? Well, it's my meal ticket, get out of here kid.
He kicks Thee Great One's head away from him, by sheer luck the head ended up on stage. The Legs quickly danced around in agitation.
Thee Great One: Oh, so you like the praise huh?
The legs danced some more
Thee Great One: I'll challenge you to a luau then. If I win, you'll come back with me!
The legs moved around some more.
Thee Great One: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!? OH THAT'S THE LAST STRAW!
The luau poll was set up by the crowd, the music started, and Curly meandered back over.
Curly: What's going on?
Thee Great One: We are off to defeat my legs in a luau contest Curly. I need you to roll me, when the time is right.
Curly: Okay.
Thee Great One's legs danced up to the bar. They bent at the knees, and made it under the bar perfectly. The crowd all cheered for him.
Curly grabbed Thee Great One's head, and rolled it perfectly under the bar. The vrowd roared for him as well.
So this went, back and forth, until Thee Great One's head won the contest, you know, cause he's just a head and all. The crowd cheered for him winning
Manager: I've had enough of this farce!
The crowd, who was cheering the contest all gasped.
Manager: He is under my contract, Leggy is not going anywhere.
Thee Great One: That wasn't part of the deal.
Manager: You're just a head, what do you know
Thee Great One: THAT I HATE FLESHY ONES!
He charged himself, and exploded the surrounding area. Considering he was just a head now though, the blast only affected the Manager, who was knocked on his butt. He rubbed it.
Thee Great One: Crap, without my entire body, my power is severely diminished.
Manager: That hurt…I'll kick you for that one!
He ran up to kick the head of Thee Great One once more, but the legs got in the way. They knocked him up into the air, danced around a few times, and then roundhouse kicked him out into the parking lot. They looked at Thee Great One, and danced a few more times.
Thee Great One: Alright, he's going with us. Curly, take us to the next destination!
Curly: And where is that?
Thee Great One: TOKYO!
Curly: I love Sushi!
A huge caravan of vehicles rumbled into town, black army hummers, black helicopters, and finally, a minivan, decked out in red flames with the bumper sticker, 'I Honk For Asian Chicks'.
The minivan stops in front of an apartment complex. The door slides open in the black, and a man in white hair steps out. He adjusts his suit, and walks over to the building, but before he gets there, he looks at a man in the corner. He seemed to be coming back from his job, he was looking at the cars and everything, not in wonderment, but it seemed to be a look of acknowledgment. Adjusting his grocery bag of goodies, he walks around all the military personal, and stops in front of the man with white hair. The white haired man lights a cigarette, and puts it in his mouth.
Man: Cheeseburgers cause high blood pressure.
White Haired Man: Joe Kalicki I presume.
Man: My name is Joe Kalicki, and I know stuff.
White Haired Man: Really, care to share what you know, Centralite.
Joe Kalicki reaches into the grocery bag, and pulls out a magazine. He drops the rest of the bag on the ground; the magazine evidently was its only occupant.
Joe Kalicki: Well, I know you are called JonnyFreeze, and I knew when you would be here, so I made sure I could get away.
JonnyFreeze: Oh really now? How do you plan on doing that Mr. I Know Stuff. I'm the head of a…
Joe Kalicki interrupted him by holding up his hand and speaking.
Joe Kalicki: A leader of s super secret organization that wants to eradicate the Centralite menace, yes I know. I also know your weakness.
JonnyFreeze: Alright Smartypants, I'll bite, what's my supposed weakness?
Joe Kalicki: This.
He hands JonnyFreeze the magazine, and proceeds to walk away. Jonny's cigarette falls out of his mouth and he stares at the magazine. Army guards watch Joe Kalicki walk away, as years of obeying orders forces them to have to wait for JonnyFreeze to give the order for an attack. JonnyFreeze opens the page trembling, and what he sees makes a smile spread across his face.
Soldier: Sir! The Centralite is getting away!
JonneyFreeze: Son, you interrupt my time again, I will shoot you. I'm going in the van for a minute.
As he walked off, holding the magazine, one of the Soldiers sees the magazine title.
Soldier: Who knew, the boss' weakness seems to be Japanese schoolgirls
JonnyFreeze enters the van, and several seconds later, it begins to move back and forth.
~ NURHACHI & DR.STRANGEFATE PRESENT ~
ULTIMATE CENTRAL
THE FANFIC
I Know Stuff
Volume 9, Issue 64, By Ultimate Houde
Just outside Joilet
Minutes before
A car was on the side of the highway, and two people were looking in the hood of a car.
Victor Von Doom: Why do you drive this piece of crap?
McCheese: Piece of crap? PIECE OF CRAP! This is a genuine 1993 Chevy Nova
Limited Eddie Bauer Edition. I call her Sheila.
Victor Von Doom: Isn't that the same name of the old hooker you wanted to pick up?
McCheese: I will hurt you
Victor Von Doom: The radiator's blown, and from the evidence, while I was asleep you've been driving on two flat tires.
McCheese: What, one popped so I had to even it out on the other side. It's what Daddy McCheese taught me to do.
Victor Von Doom: Daddy McCheese deserved a punch from Doom to set him straight.
McCheese: I'm sick of your taunts!
Victor Von Doom: And what are you going to do about it?
McCheese: Sulk in the corner.
Victor Von Doom: We are on the highway, there is no corner.
McCheese: Damn you and your superior logic!
McCheese sits on the side of the road while VVD continues to poke around the car. Eventually, McCheese gets frustrated, and stands back up.
McCheese: Listen. this in fighting is getting us nowhere, we need to pull together if we are going to be a team.
Victor Von Doom: Actually, I think Sheila is getting us nowhere.
McCheese: She's sensitive, don't talk to her like that! It's okay baby.
McCheese rubs the hood lovingly
Victor Von Doom: Listen, let's just walk to town, and from there we can find this Joe Kalicki guy and, I don't know, use his car or something.
Several Black hummers drive past, followed by a van with flames and the aforementioned bumper sticker about honing for Asian Chicks.
McCheese: Whoa, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Victor Von Doom: That we should be careful of a super secret military operation that is trying to capture me?
McCheese: Hells no, that we should steal that van. I totally honk for Asian chicks too.
Without waiting for VVD's response, McCheese follows the van, VVD runs after him. They turn the corner in time to see Joe Kalicki run off in the opposite direction. McCheese heads towards the van while all the soldiers where preoccupied. VVD followed. They entered the van unnoticed.
Victor Von Doom: Now what?
McCheese: People always put keys in the visor.
He lowers the visor and the keys fall out.
McCheese: Awesome.
The van door opens and Jonnyfreeze walks into it. He settles on one of the back couches of the van, and eagerly opens the magazine.
JonnyuFreeze: OMG, I luv japgirls!
VVD turned around to look at his former boss and current pursuer.
Victor Von Doom: This is my arch enemy, are you serious?
JonnyFreeze looked up.
Victor Von Doom: Heya boss! McCheese, do you mind?
JonnyFreeze: What in tarnation?
McCheese whispered.
McCheese: Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Joonyfreeze took the full brunt of the soundwave, and bursted out the back of the van along with the couch. His magazine was shredded and fell in pieces around him. JonnyFreeze looked up in time to see the van peel off, and VVD waving at him with the one fingered salute.
JOnnyFreeze: Those pricks, what are you waiting for, FIRE! CHASE THEM DOWN! MAKE THEM BLEED!
The soldiers started to fire. Bullets rained into the van as it took the corner, it's bulletproof armor holding for the moment under the assault. They took the corner extremely fast. McCheese was barely able to control it, and it slammed into the opposite building.
Victor Von Doom: Get out of the damn driving seat
McCheese: I think one of the tires are flat. I should go puncture the other one to even it off.
Victor Von Doom: You are not touching anything on this van, NOW MOVE OVER BEFORE THEY CATCH UP TO US!
McCheese: Man..
VVD had to physically remove McCheese from the driver's seat, and he jumped in it, he quickly got the van moving again. Several hummers managed to take the corner, and started to follow them. McCheese took a deep breath.
Victor Von Doom: Don't say your word!
McCheese: Why not?
Victor Von Doom: The recoil doesn't affect you but I don't want to see what it does to the van.
McCheese: So what do you want me to do.
Victor Von Doom: Take this gun and shoot them
VVD handed him a machine gun. McCheese grabbed it, and smiled gleefully. He pointed it out the back of the open van.
McCheese: Say hello to my little friend.
He squeezed the trigger, and the recoil of the gun caused him to fall backwards, and he sent a whole clip of bullets out the ceiling of the vehicle. Several bullets bounced around the inside of the van, a couple hitting VVD, not doing more than making him more annoyed than he already was.
Victor Von Doom: McCheese, you suck.
McCheese: Hey, not my fault I never used guns before and you didn't warn me.
McCheese struggled back up, replaced the clip, and went to shot again, but this time, VVD took a sharp corner, causing McCheese to tumble in the back of the van, and slam his head.
Victor Von Doom: Oh sorry I didn't warn you about that too. My bad.
There car blew past Joe Kalicki, who was counting under his breath. When he reached ten, he threw out a spike strip that he got from work. The Spike strip hit the ground just as the hummers came around the corner. They hit the strip, and their tires all popped, causing a massive pile up of hummers (hehehe hummers). Joe Kalicki smiled.
Joe Kalicki: I told them my name is Joe Kalicki, and that I know stuff. I hope my relief showed up in time.
He bolted down the alleyway, heading for his next stop.
VVD and McCheese, unaware that they were being assisted, turned down another random road, only to find three helicopters blocking there path. VVD slammed the brakes, and the van skidded to a stop right in front of the spinning blades.
McCheese: REVERSE! PUT IT IN REVERSE!
Victor Von Doom: I'm trying!
The gears were grinded in the van as the helicopters bore down on them. Right before they got to them, an electrical wire fell down, getting caught in the chopper blades of the lead helicopter. The wire messed up the propeller system enough that it stalled, sending crashing into another one of the on comers, which created another pileup of sorts, slowly stopping all the helicopters as they ran into each other.
McCheese: Awesome
One of the helicopters exploded, causing a chain reaction, VVD got the van into gear, and took off around the street corner. Explosions followed them, the whole block going up.
McCheese: Incredibly awesome
VVD slammed the brakes on the van, causing McCheese to tumble and hit the front windshield. He sat up, rubbing his jaw.
McCheese: That was not awesome.
Victor Von Doom: I think we have trouble.
McCheese: Why?
Victor Von Doom: Why don't you see why I stopped jackass.
McCheese turned to look. In the middle of the street there was a brick wall, that was wet. The color of it dripped in places, and form behind it out walked JonnyFreeze, who was holding a paintbrush in one hand, and a gun in the other. He pointed the handgun at the car.
Victor Von Doom: The car is bullet proof, he would know that.
JonnyFreeze smiled, and squeezed the trigger. Out of the gun came a bullet, dressed like a cowboy, who pulled out two giant machine guns of his own.
Bullet Cowboy: Yeehaw Partnah!
McCheese and VVD looked at each other, then the bullet, then back at each other. The dove out the back as the bullet cowboy squeezed the triggers on his guns. Bullets rained into the van, and one of them managed to rip open the fuel line, igniting the van, and it too went up in flames.
The bumper sticker landed in McCheese's open hands.
McCheese: NO! I LIKED THAT VAN! I will always remember you A-Team van.
JonnyFreeze walked around the burning carcass of the van, still smiling. His paintbrush was wet with new paint on it. He quickly drew an outline in the air, and it solidified to an octopus, complete with an eyeglass, smoking several cigars, and a hand of cards.
Gentlemen Octopus: Goodday gents, sorry about this.
One of the tentacles whipped out, and wrapped around VVD, trying to crush him. VVD struggled to be released from the grip, but the tentacles were too strong.
Victor Von Doom: I'm too young to become part of hentai rape.
McCheese: I've had enough of this guy.
McCheese went to go say his word when JonnyFreese squeezed the trigger three more times, The fiurst two bullets came out dressed in towels. They swarmed around McCheese's head, wrapping his mouth in a towel. The remaining bullet pulled out an axe, and screamed out the top of it's lungs a cry of challenge. McCheese, now unable to say his word, yelped like a little girl. He was saved though by a timely intervention of water. It started off a sa drizzle, but quickly became a downpour, the sky dumping it's contents out on the combatants. The towel around McCheese's head started to melt, the bullet in midair screamed about melting, the Gentlemen Octopus waved it's tentacles in the air, and slowly melted.
JonnyFreeze: Crap, I hate rain.
Joe Kalicki walked onto the street, holding an umbrella above his head.
Joe Kalicki: Told you I'm Joe Kalicki, and I know stuff. This downpour is going to last all day, I suggest you get out of here now, while you can.
JonnyFreeze: I'll get you guys later then, you can't live in a rainstorm all your life.
He pressed a button on his suit, and disappeared in a flash a flash of green light.
McCheese: Dude, he just vanished.
Victor Von Doom: He teleported, that's all. We stole the tech from Ultimate Central itself.
McCheese: So you're Joe Kalicki huh?
Joe Kalicki: Yup.
McCheese: And you know stuff
Joe Kakicki: Yup.
Victor Von Doom: So you know what I'm going to ask you
Joe Kalicki: Yup.
Victor Von Doom: So your answer?
Joe Kalicki: No idea.
The rain stopped, the torrent becoming a drizzle then the sun came out.
Victor Von Doom: I thought you said it was going to rain out all day.
Joe Kalicki: I know stuff, never said I didn't lie. Your welcome by the way.
Victor Von Doom: For what, the sudden rain storm?
Joe Kalicki: For stopping the hummers…
McCheese: hehehe Hummers…
Joe Kalicki: …and the helicopters. Seriously, you would have gotten your asses kicked.
Victor Von Doom: We should get out of here before Jonny gets smart and heads back our way.
Joe Kalicki: Yeah, my car is around the corner, fully gassed and ready to go. Oh, we are heading towards Ohio next.
Victor Von Doom: Why Ohio?
Joe Kalicki: Cause, we need to pick up the next member of our team, well, we need to rescue them from jail, TwilightEL and Wade_Wilson.
McCheese: Wade I can see, but TwilightEL in jail?
Joe Kalicki: Don't ask me.
The trio got in the car and drove off. As they drove away, a huge man with a white Mohawk watched them drive away.
Selfproclaimed: I have them in sight master.
~ THE INTERWEB VIKINGS PROUDLY PRESENT IN STEREO SURROUND SOUND AND WIDESCREEN *****ES! ~
KING OF LUAU!
Not by Ultimate Houde, but by the bestest member evah conceived! TOG!
Hawaii
Curly, carrying Thee Great One's head, walked across the street and was greeted by the sound of music and fun. Fires were blazing on the beach, several people were dancing to the music, and the atmosphere was fun. Unconsciously Curly began to dance the music, shaking his golden *** back and forth.
Several girls squealed at Curly, not in fright, but in delight.
Girl: Are you the mascot from across the street.
Curly waved his options in his mind.
Curly: Why yes I am, my friends call me Curly, but you girls can call me boyfriend if you want.
Girl: What are you carrying?
Curly looked at Thee Great One's head in his hand.
Thee Great One: What are you looking at?
Curly: A puppy
Thee Great One: What did you call me, a puppy? Wait, were are you putting me!
Curly put Thee Great One on the ground. The girls all looked at him with wide eyes.
Thee Great One: What are you inferior flesh bags looking at huh?
The girls all awed.
Girls: It's trying to bark, that's so cute! You are great Gold Giant mascot.
Thee Great One: What do you mean trying to talk?
Girls: He's so ugly he's cute!
Thee Great One: Stop trying to pet my…oh…that feels good. Um, whine whine, grr?
Girls: He likes it!
Curly: Ladies, let's go walk on the beach and leave the puppy alone, it needs some sleep.
Girls: Sounds good to me!
Thee Great One rolled off, leaving the girls surrounding Curly. He followed his senses to find the next part of his body. What he saw surprised him.
It was his waist and legs, and attached to the top of it was the upper half of a scarecrow. He overheard two people talking.
Manager: I found him on the side of the road one day, whipped him up to shape and made myself the best luau champion ever.
Person: That's awesome
Thee Great One: HEY! YOU UP THERE! GIVE ME MY WAIST AND LEGS BACK!
The Manager looked down at Thee Great One's head.
Manager: Oh, so that's your lower body huh? Well, it's my meal ticket, get out of here kid.
He kicks Thee Great One's head away from him, by sheer luck the head ended up on stage. The Legs quickly danced around in agitation.
Thee Great One: Oh, so you like the praise huh?
The legs danced some more
Thee Great One: I'll challenge you to a luau then. If I win, you'll come back with me!
The legs moved around some more.
Thee Great One: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!? OH THAT'S THE LAST STRAW!
The luau poll was set up by the crowd, the music started, and Curly meandered back over.
Curly: What's going on?
Thee Great One: We are off to defeat my legs in a luau contest Curly. I need you to roll me, when the time is right.
Curly: Okay.
Thee Great One's legs danced up to the bar. They bent at the knees, and made it under the bar perfectly. The crowd all cheered for him.
Curly grabbed Thee Great One's head, and rolled it perfectly under the bar. The vrowd roared for him as well.
So this went, back and forth, until Thee Great One's head won the contest, you know, cause he's just a head and all. The crowd cheered for him winning
Manager: I've had enough of this farce!
The crowd, who was cheering the contest all gasped.
Manager: He is under my contract, Leggy is not going anywhere.
Thee Great One: That wasn't part of the deal.
Manager: You're just a head, what do you know
Thee Great One: THAT I HATE FLESHY ONES!
He charged himself, and exploded the surrounding area. Considering he was just a head now though, the blast only affected the Manager, who was knocked on his butt. He rubbed it.
Thee Great One: Crap, without my entire body, my power is severely diminished.
Manager: That hurt…I'll kick you for that one!
He ran up to kick the head of Thee Great One once more, but the legs got in the way. They knocked him up into the air, danced around a few times, and then roundhouse kicked him out into the parking lot. They looked at Thee Great One, and danced a few more times.
Thee Great One: Alright, he's going with us. Curly, take us to the next destination!
Curly: And where is that?
Thee Great One: TOKYO!
Curly: I love Sushi!
thee great one
Master of TOG-fu.
I looked though it.
Joe has Layla Miller is the greatest idea ever.
Joe has Layla Miller is the greatest idea ever.
Joe Kalicki
Well-Known Member
Ha, I am awesome.
Hibiki
Really is pretentious, no matter what she says. Do
that was hilarious
Random
Didn't **** any of those *****es
Just awesome
McCheese
Well-Known Member
:lol:
1994 Dodge Shadow actually. I call her Shadow.
Wow. Not only do I know next to nothing about cars, but I also treat the Shadow like that.
:scared: WHERE ARE YOU AND HOW ARE YOU WATCHING ME? :scared:
Also, Joe's powers are great and TOG arguing with his legs is hilarious. Good stuff.
Last edited:
Iceshadow
Well-Known Member
That was great!
Joe Kalicki is awesome, and I'm loving the Interweb Vikings back up story.
"I totally honk for Asian chicks too." :lol:
Joe Kalicki is awesome, and I'm loving the Interweb Vikings back up story.
"I totally honk for Asian chicks too." :lol:
Ultimate Houde
UC's Resident Genetic Recombinator
Cover by Random
Driving to Ohio can be tough some times, I mean, first off they are running out of gas and have no money to pay for me, secondly, a police car just pulled up behind them, and thirdly, they get attacked by Slimjim.
Can our three heroes bet off this new menace? Will Houde follow Langsta and make Joe Kalicki a retardead zombie?
And just who in tarnation is Panda?
The title to the backup story is 'The Memoirs of a Torso.'
And that's all your getting there.
Last edited:
Hibiki
Really is pretentious, no matter what she says. Do
ooh, has zombiepanda been ultimatecentralized? does he still post?
Joe Kalicki
Well-Known Member
I swear to Science, if Langsta does anything to me I will kill him. In real life.
Ultimate Houde
UC's Resident Genetic Recombinator
Professor Houdenmeyer's new lab
The Professor was working on something ingenious, and of course, this required a new subject for him to work on. The lab lights were low, and the kid called Lynx that was kidnapped from Chicago was on the table. He was out of tears by now, looking on in fear. Professor Houdenmeyer was never one to use painkillers of any sort. He used a special drug that he had made that causes one to lose nerve control, but still feel pain. And right now, he had Lynx's chest wide open, and was tinkering around inside of it.
He cackled with utter glee.
Elsewhere
TwilightEL: I thought you said you could handle these guys!
Twilight faded into darkness as a bulldozer barreled right through her.
Wade Wilson: I'm still not talking to you.
He dodged a beam of ice, and landed awkwardly on the pavement. Falling down, he recovered quickly enough, and managed to get back to his feet, and move before he got caught in another beam.
TwilightEL: Seriously? Just cause I told you that the girl should have the handicap spot?
Twilight avoided another rampaging machine, when she solidified; she blanketed the machine in darkness, and ripped out all the screws.
Wade Wilson: That was my parking spot, and you know it
Wade Wilson vaulted over a railing, and punched a man that was covered in ice. The man was called Ice, and was the General's right hand man. All Wade's punch did was chip some Ice off the guy shoulder. Wade somersaulted backwards to land next Twilight, who was staring down another man who could control machines, Lithium. He was smiling broadly at her.
TwilightEL: That was our first time there! How could that be your spot!
Wade Wilson: Seriously? Can we talk about this later? I'm not liking this guy right now.
TwilightEL: Fine.
She gathered some darkness, to throw out a distraction so the two of them could escape. The moment she put her hands up, ice solidified around them. This caught her off guard enough that when she gasped at the sudden cold. A pill flew into her mouth while it was open. All she could do was think about how nothing really bothered her anymore.
Wade Wilson: Twi? You alright?
TwilightEL: I really really really like candy right about now….
Wade Wilson: What did you maniacs do to her?
Ice froze Wade Wilson into place. Lithium walked up to him, and placed a pill in his mouth as well. Wade's throat involuntary swallowed, and he too lost the rage inside of him.
Ice:Excellent Lithium. Place these two in your prison, would you please?
Lithium: Of course General.
~ NURHACHI & DR.STRANGEFATE PRESENT ~
ULTIMATE CENTRAL
THE FANFIC
Dead Rising
Volume 9, Issue 65, By Ultimate Houde
Somewhere near the border of Ohio
The car our heroes drove in was in dire need of gas, but none of our intrepid heroes had any cash. Well, Joe Kalicki had some, but he said he needed it, and McCheese was poor, and Doom usually just kinda took stuff as he needed it, so they were simply going to drive the car as far as it would go before they would have to steal a new one.
But now they had a new problem. Flashing lights erupted from behind them as a police Jeep drove up.
Victor Von Doom: Hey, Know stuff dude, whose this?
Joe Kalicki: Using my keen intelligence that I posses, I would have to say it's the local cops.
Victor Von Doom: I hate you
McCheese: I think he's kinda funny
Victor Von Doom: Do we pull over or what?
Joe Kalicki: I got a plan.
The car's gas decided that this was the point it was going to cut out, and the car slowed down
Joe Kalicki opened the door, grabbed McCheese, and jumped out.
Vicotr Von Doom: What the hell does that cracker think he's doing?
Then, it felt like to VVD that he ran into a truck.
A truck that turned out to be Selfproclaimed.
The kinetic absorbing giant just stood there, and let the car hit him. Metal and glass twisted around him, and VVD went through the windshield, to scrap across the ground. The police car that was riding behind VVD squealed the brakes and skidded to the side. There, the lights went off and the sound stopped.
Selfproclaimed: I'm not here to capture you Vic, I'm here to capture that guy.
He points to Joe Kalicki, who had rolled out of the car, and to safety along with McCheese. McCheese stood up, and shook his head.
McCheese: What you do that for?
Joe Kalicki: Saved your ***, that's all
McCheese: Whose the dude stuck in the grunge era?
Joe Kalicki: Someone who wants to kidnap me I guess.
McCheese: Oh, well then, time for him to deal with Antiestablish….
Before McCheese was able to say the word, his hand was wrapped up by a tentacle. Electricity ran through it, electrocuting him.
Shir-Val: The other Centralite Master, shall we take him too?
From behind the floating blue tentacled creature that is Shri-val, a red cloak individual laughed.
Slimjim: The idiot? All he can do is say one word and a sonic burst comes out. Screw that, I already got me one of those, don't I Irish?
Another zombie, imbued with life by Slimjim, flew down from a treetop. He picked up the body of McCheese, who was feebly waking up.
Irish_4202: Such a pain in my ***, these newbies. They ain't so great.
He tossed McCheese into the air, and hit him with a sonic blast, sending McCheese backwards. McCheese screamed in pain, slammed into the ground and passed out.
Slimjim: We just pwned your *** dude!
The three zombie generals looked at Slimjim weird.
Slimjim: Laugh at my joke *****es!
They obediently laughed.
Victor Van Doom: That joke wasn't that funny buddy boy.
Standing up from the wreckage, Doom grabbed what remained of the engine block, and threw it at Slimjim. Selfproclaimed merely stood in its way, and absorbed the kinetic energy, making him even bigger.
Selfproclaimed: That suppose to hurt amigo?
Charging the distance, he slammed into VVD, who held his ground, but barely.
Meanwhile, Slimjim was giving Joe Kalicki a weird look.
Slimjim: Who might you be foo'?
Joe Kalicki: My name is Joe Kalicki, and I know stuff
Slimjim: Oh, he knows stuff, that suppose to make me shake in mah boots or somethin'?
Joe Kalicki: Oh dear me, I dropped my contact lens.
Joe Kalicki drops to his knees.
Irish_4202 does as well.
Slimjim: What **** do you think you're doing?
Irish_4202: I'm looking for his contact lens,
Slimjim: Aw man, we's the bad guys remember? We don't do that ****. And why the **** you drop to your knees like that, to pray to me?
Joe Kalicki: I didn't want to get shot.
Slimjim: What, the retarded sound boy getting' back up or something?
The policeman stepped out of his car, holding his gun out.
Policeman: Stop! Or I'll shot!
Slimjim: I ain't listenin' to no pig dawgs, Irish, show him our favorite song.
Irish_4202 took a deep breath, but before he could let out his sound attack, a bullet ripped through his throat, knocking the voice box out the back of it. Slimjim looked at the policeman.
Slimjim: You thinks those are cheap man? It's going to take me a couple graveyards to replace that one. Shir-val. Take him.
Shir-val moved forward to engage the cop. Showing a display of agility, the cop bounded past the waving tentacles, and got underneath Shir-val. He pointed the gun straight up, and fired several shots into Shir-val. The thing shuddered, and as it came down, the cop rolled out of the way.
Slimjim: Yo, Shir-val, what the hell man. Youse a zombie. Be a zombie, would ya and get back up.
Joe Kalicki: Give the brain thing a break, it did just get a metal enema courtesy of a gun. Speaking of which.
Joe Kalicki fell down again to take cover. Slimjim saw this, and decided to fall down as well. He waited a few moments before he realized that there was no bullets being fired. He opened his eyes to find the cop standing there, holding a gun to Slimjim's head.
Joe Kalicki: Fooled ya.
Policeman: Listen, you can resurrect the dead, and my ability is to kick ***, not just yours, I'm just really good at kicking ***. Now, listen to me you bastard, me and you are going to jail. The name's Panda by the way. And you are going to deal with ir, got it?
In the background, Selfproclaimed went flying across the road and into the ground. VVD walked up to him rubbing his fist.
Victor Von Doom: Showed up that guy
Joe Kalicki: Doom, meet Panda, he's one of us.
Victor Von Doom: Oh really, what's your ability?
Panda: Fighting skills, and I can track really well too. Now, you going to come quietly Slimjim, or am I going to have to get rough. You are wanted in several states.
Slimjim just smiled. VVD looked around at the downed zombies.
Victor Von Doom: Um…I think we are missing one.
Panda: I only smell the ones we have here…though I never smelled those types of animals around here before?
Victor Von Doom: Oh no,,
Crashing erupted from the ground, as a giant patched together zombie came out of it, revealing Nas-T the Noxious. Slimjim smiled.
Slimjim: I may act like an idiot on TV folks, but in reality, I'm pretty smart. Nas-T, get the east prey for us, would you?
The animal zombie roared, rearing high on its elephant legs, it charged the trio. They went to dodge, but found their legs wrapped up by skeleton hands.
Joe Kalicki: One…two….three.
Panda: What is he counting too.
Victor Von Doom: I found it better not to ask, and just wait for it.
Joe Kalicki: Gentlemen, cover your ears.
McCheese raised his head and saw the rampaging beast. He took a breath, and yelled.
McCheese: Antidisestablishmentarianism!
The huge soundwave ripped across the street, tearing up pavement and the ground. It slammed into Nas-T, and sent him flying into the horizon. McCheese passed out again from the effort.
Victor Von Doom: He tries so hard…
He kicked the skeleton hands out from his legs and turned around to look at Slimjim. The Zombie general smiled, and skeleton hands came up, wrapping around him, and dragging him into the ground.
Victor Von Doom: That guy is freaky.
Joe Kalicki: Listen, I think we need to move.
Victor Von Doom: Why would you say that?
Joe Kalicki: Think about it, if he can do that to himself, what's stopping him from doing that to us?
Victor Von Doom: Good point cupcake, we gotta move.
Panda was investigating the place where Slimjim disappeared. Both VVD and Joe Kalicki were on the pavement, grabbing McCheese off the ground when more skeleton hands came up, reaching for them over the pavement. One of the hands were blown off by Panda's gun.
Panda: Get out of here. Take my car, it seems he wants you guys. DO IT!
Victor Von Doom: We can't leave you here!
More bullets, more hands. Eventually, the bullets would run out.
Panda: JUST GO!
Hands wrapped around Panda, and dragged him under the ground.
Joe Kalicki: He was dead the moment he helped us out. Let's grab his car and get out of here.
Victor Von Doom: We can save him!
Joe Kalicki: No, we can't. Move it, would you?
Victor Von Doom: Nothing is set in stone.
Joe Kalicki: You are correct, but the moment he helped us out he screwed himself over and he knew it. Let's get out of here. Come on.
Joe Kalicki opened the police car door, and jumped in. VVD looked at the waving skeleton hands.
Victor Von Doom: That's two…I'll get them both back, somehow…
He jumped in the car, and they drove off.
Underneath
Slimjim stood over the now dead cop, Panda. Focusing his will, and imparting the corpse with his own independent brain, Panda opened up his eyes.
Slimjim: Welcome to best part of your unlife, welcome my new general, Zombipanda.
Zombipanda's eyes flared with fire.
~ THE INTERWEB VIKINGS PROUDLY PRESENT IN STEREO SURROUND SOUND AND WIDESCREEN *****ES! ~
THE MEMOIRS OF A TORSO!
Not by Ultimate Houde, but by the bestest member evah conceived! TOG!
Japan
Thee Great One was distracted by the lights of Japan. The bright lights, the flashing billboards, and the hot Asian women all took precedence in his undead mind. TGO's legs were the only thing helping him concentrate.
Thee Great One: Why do you keep kicking me legs?
The legs did a little jig, before tap dancing some.
Thee Great One: What do you mean, what's so special about the billboard legs?
The legs did a tiny tango.
Thee Great One: Really? CURLY! Face me towards the billboard!
Curly Okay boss.
Curly moved his hand so that Thee Great One's head could look at the billboard. On it was a picture of his torso with a happy face shirt. The words on the billboard read, "TODAY! AT 4:30! TORSO WILL SIGN HIS NEW BOOK HERE! COME LOOK!"
Thee Great One: Curly! LEGS! Let's get in line!
The line was impossibly long, extended through several blocks and whatnot. Thee Great One decided to take a better method.
Curly: You want me to do what?
Thee Great One: Say you need to use the toilet. It's impeccable!
Curly: how will that get us in?
Thee Great One: Easy. You need to use the toilet.
Curly: Oh, interesting.
The legs danced a hip hop solo.
Thee Great One: It's infallible legs! No more back talk from you!
Curly walked up to the front of the line.
Curly Excuse me kind sir, can I use the bathroom?
The guy looked like a fatter version of Mario. He was holding an egg mcmuffin in one.hand..
Seymour: You VIP?
Thee Great One: WE are not VIP! WE are a talking head, his dancing pair of legs, and giant gold man. LET US IN TOO USE THE BATHROOM NOW FLESHBAG!
Seymour: You ain't VIP, you get in the other line.
Curly: Um…I really need to go
Seymour: Listen, I was a roadie for the boss in 77. A Saturday AND a Tuesday. You ain't nothing more than three punks. You got it?
Thee Great One: Time for a new plan. LEGS, STEAL HIS EGG MCMUFFIN!
The legs sneak up to Seymour, and grab the egg mcmuffin. They run off with it.
Seymour: Where's my egg mcmuffin! COME BACK HERE WITH THAT!
Seymour runs after the legs, while Curly and TGO's head sneak into the building. They find the torso, whose by himself, typing on the computer without arms.
Thee Great One: Torso! I'm back! Quick, let's get out of here.
The torso turns around. It shimmies up and down, emitting a number of gastrological noises.
Thee Great One: No, really? You signed a contract? You can't leave until you write four new books?
The legs enter the room. They do a rumba.
The torso responds with more noises.
The legs do a waltz
Curly: Um…this is odd.
Thee Great One: Okay, we all will write a book tonight, and then we can get out of here.
Each body part and Curly went to write a book.
The Next Morning
The Torso sent an email to his publisher. It contained the four books written by each one of them.
The Legs wrote a book on how to pick up women using nothing but erratic foot movements.
The Head wrote a book that was just THEE GREAT ONE IS THEE GREATEST! In every language of the world.
The Torso wrote a book called "The Social Ramifications of the Civil War Seen Through the Eyes of a Midsection".
And finally Curly drew a kids book entitled, "PINOCHIO! WITH LAZERS!"
Thee Great One: Alright Torso, a plan is a plan. Quick, you join with legs, and I'll join with you!
The legs eagerly leap on to the floor. The Torso leap onto the legs, and then the head was delicately placed on the torso.
Thee Great One: Now it's time to find my arms!
Curly: Why is some of your letters blue?
Thee Great One: No idea, I say we roll with it. ONWARDS!
The Professor was working on something ingenious, and of course, this required a new subject for him to work on. The lab lights were low, and the kid called Lynx that was kidnapped from Chicago was on the table. He was out of tears by now, looking on in fear. Professor Houdenmeyer was never one to use painkillers of any sort. He used a special drug that he had made that causes one to lose nerve control, but still feel pain. And right now, he had Lynx's chest wide open, and was tinkering around inside of it.
He cackled with utter glee.
Elsewhere
TwilightEL: I thought you said you could handle these guys!
Twilight faded into darkness as a bulldozer barreled right through her.
Wade Wilson: I'm still not talking to you.
He dodged a beam of ice, and landed awkwardly on the pavement. Falling down, he recovered quickly enough, and managed to get back to his feet, and move before he got caught in another beam.
TwilightEL: Seriously? Just cause I told you that the girl should have the handicap spot?
Twilight avoided another rampaging machine, when she solidified; she blanketed the machine in darkness, and ripped out all the screws.
Wade Wilson: That was my parking spot, and you know it
Wade Wilson vaulted over a railing, and punched a man that was covered in ice. The man was called Ice, and was the General's right hand man. All Wade's punch did was chip some Ice off the guy shoulder. Wade somersaulted backwards to land next Twilight, who was staring down another man who could control machines, Lithium. He was smiling broadly at her.
TwilightEL: That was our first time there! How could that be your spot!
Wade Wilson: Seriously? Can we talk about this later? I'm not liking this guy right now.
TwilightEL: Fine.
She gathered some darkness, to throw out a distraction so the two of them could escape. The moment she put her hands up, ice solidified around them. This caught her off guard enough that when she gasped at the sudden cold. A pill flew into her mouth while it was open. All she could do was think about how nothing really bothered her anymore.
Wade Wilson: Twi? You alright?
TwilightEL: I really really really like candy right about now….
Wade Wilson: What did you maniacs do to her?
Ice froze Wade Wilson into place. Lithium walked up to him, and placed a pill in his mouth as well. Wade's throat involuntary swallowed, and he too lost the rage inside of him.
Ice:Excellent Lithium. Place these two in your prison, would you please?
Lithium: Of course General.
~ NURHACHI & DR.STRANGEFATE PRESENT ~
ULTIMATE CENTRAL
THE FANFIC
Dead Rising
Volume 9, Issue 65, By Ultimate Houde
Somewhere near the border of Ohio
The car our heroes drove in was in dire need of gas, but none of our intrepid heroes had any cash. Well, Joe Kalicki had some, but he said he needed it, and McCheese was poor, and Doom usually just kinda took stuff as he needed it, so they were simply going to drive the car as far as it would go before they would have to steal a new one.
But now they had a new problem. Flashing lights erupted from behind them as a police Jeep drove up.
Victor Von Doom: Hey, Know stuff dude, whose this?
Joe Kalicki: Using my keen intelligence that I posses, I would have to say it's the local cops.
Victor Von Doom: I hate you
McCheese: I think he's kinda funny
Victor Von Doom: Do we pull over or what?
Joe Kalicki: I got a plan.
The car's gas decided that this was the point it was going to cut out, and the car slowed down
Joe Kalicki opened the door, grabbed McCheese, and jumped out.
Vicotr Von Doom: What the hell does that cracker think he's doing?
Then, it felt like to VVD that he ran into a truck.
A truck that turned out to be Selfproclaimed.
The kinetic absorbing giant just stood there, and let the car hit him. Metal and glass twisted around him, and VVD went through the windshield, to scrap across the ground. The police car that was riding behind VVD squealed the brakes and skidded to the side. There, the lights went off and the sound stopped.
Selfproclaimed: I'm not here to capture you Vic, I'm here to capture that guy.
He points to Joe Kalicki, who had rolled out of the car, and to safety along with McCheese. McCheese stood up, and shook his head.
McCheese: What you do that for?
Joe Kalicki: Saved your ***, that's all
McCheese: Whose the dude stuck in the grunge era?
Joe Kalicki: Someone who wants to kidnap me I guess.
McCheese: Oh, well then, time for him to deal with Antiestablish….
Before McCheese was able to say the word, his hand was wrapped up by a tentacle. Electricity ran through it, electrocuting him.
Shir-Val: The other Centralite Master, shall we take him too?
From behind the floating blue tentacled creature that is Shri-val, a red cloak individual laughed.
Slimjim: The idiot? All he can do is say one word and a sonic burst comes out. Screw that, I already got me one of those, don't I Irish?
Another zombie, imbued with life by Slimjim, flew down from a treetop. He picked up the body of McCheese, who was feebly waking up.
Irish_4202: Such a pain in my ***, these newbies. They ain't so great.
He tossed McCheese into the air, and hit him with a sonic blast, sending McCheese backwards. McCheese screamed in pain, slammed into the ground and passed out.
Slimjim: We just pwned your *** dude!
The three zombie generals looked at Slimjim weird.
Slimjim: Laugh at my joke *****es!
They obediently laughed.
Victor Van Doom: That joke wasn't that funny buddy boy.
Standing up from the wreckage, Doom grabbed what remained of the engine block, and threw it at Slimjim. Selfproclaimed merely stood in its way, and absorbed the kinetic energy, making him even bigger.
Selfproclaimed: That suppose to hurt amigo?
Charging the distance, he slammed into VVD, who held his ground, but barely.
Meanwhile, Slimjim was giving Joe Kalicki a weird look.
Slimjim: Who might you be foo'?
Joe Kalicki: My name is Joe Kalicki, and I know stuff
Slimjim: Oh, he knows stuff, that suppose to make me shake in mah boots or somethin'?
Joe Kalicki: Oh dear me, I dropped my contact lens.
Joe Kalicki drops to his knees.
Irish_4202 does as well.
Slimjim: What **** do you think you're doing?
Irish_4202: I'm looking for his contact lens,
Slimjim: Aw man, we's the bad guys remember? We don't do that ****. And why the **** you drop to your knees like that, to pray to me?
Joe Kalicki: I didn't want to get shot.
Slimjim: What, the retarded sound boy getting' back up or something?
The policeman stepped out of his car, holding his gun out.
Policeman: Stop! Or I'll shot!
Slimjim: I ain't listenin' to no pig dawgs, Irish, show him our favorite song.
Irish_4202 took a deep breath, but before he could let out his sound attack, a bullet ripped through his throat, knocking the voice box out the back of it. Slimjim looked at the policeman.
Slimjim: You thinks those are cheap man? It's going to take me a couple graveyards to replace that one. Shir-val. Take him.
Shir-val moved forward to engage the cop. Showing a display of agility, the cop bounded past the waving tentacles, and got underneath Shir-val. He pointed the gun straight up, and fired several shots into Shir-val. The thing shuddered, and as it came down, the cop rolled out of the way.
Slimjim: Yo, Shir-val, what the hell man. Youse a zombie. Be a zombie, would ya and get back up.
Joe Kalicki: Give the brain thing a break, it did just get a metal enema courtesy of a gun. Speaking of which.
Joe Kalicki fell down again to take cover. Slimjim saw this, and decided to fall down as well. He waited a few moments before he realized that there was no bullets being fired. He opened his eyes to find the cop standing there, holding a gun to Slimjim's head.
Joe Kalicki: Fooled ya.
Policeman: Listen, you can resurrect the dead, and my ability is to kick ***, not just yours, I'm just really good at kicking ***. Now, listen to me you bastard, me and you are going to jail. The name's Panda by the way. And you are going to deal with ir, got it?
In the background, Selfproclaimed went flying across the road and into the ground. VVD walked up to him rubbing his fist.
Victor Von Doom: Showed up that guy
Joe Kalicki: Doom, meet Panda, he's one of us.
Victor Von Doom: Oh really, what's your ability?
Panda: Fighting skills, and I can track really well too. Now, you going to come quietly Slimjim, or am I going to have to get rough. You are wanted in several states.
Slimjim just smiled. VVD looked around at the downed zombies.
Victor Von Doom: Um…I think we are missing one.
Panda: I only smell the ones we have here…though I never smelled those types of animals around here before?
Victor Von Doom: Oh no,,
Crashing erupted from the ground, as a giant patched together zombie came out of it, revealing Nas-T the Noxious. Slimjim smiled.
Slimjim: I may act like an idiot on TV folks, but in reality, I'm pretty smart. Nas-T, get the east prey for us, would you?
The animal zombie roared, rearing high on its elephant legs, it charged the trio. They went to dodge, but found their legs wrapped up by skeleton hands.
Joe Kalicki: One…two….three.
Panda: What is he counting too.
Victor Von Doom: I found it better not to ask, and just wait for it.
Joe Kalicki: Gentlemen, cover your ears.
McCheese raised his head and saw the rampaging beast. He took a breath, and yelled.
McCheese: Antidisestablishmentarianism!
The huge soundwave ripped across the street, tearing up pavement and the ground. It slammed into Nas-T, and sent him flying into the horizon. McCheese passed out again from the effort.
Victor Von Doom: He tries so hard…
He kicked the skeleton hands out from his legs and turned around to look at Slimjim. The Zombie general smiled, and skeleton hands came up, wrapping around him, and dragging him into the ground.
Victor Von Doom: That guy is freaky.
Joe Kalicki: Listen, I think we need to move.
Victor Von Doom: Why would you say that?
Joe Kalicki: Think about it, if he can do that to himself, what's stopping him from doing that to us?
Victor Von Doom: Good point cupcake, we gotta move.
Panda was investigating the place where Slimjim disappeared. Both VVD and Joe Kalicki were on the pavement, grabbing McCheese off the ground when more skeleton hands came up, reaching for them over the pavement. One of the hands were blown off by Panda's gun.
Panda: Get out of here. Take my car, it seems he wants you guys. DO IT!
Victor Von Doom: We can't leave you here!
More bullets, more hands. Eventually, the bullets would run out.
Panda: JUST GO!
Hands wrapped around Panda, and dragged him under the ground.
Joe Kalicki: He was dead the moment he helped us out. Let's grab his car and get out of here.
Victor Von Doom: We can save him!
Joe Kalicki: No, we can't. Move it, would you?
Victor Von Doom: Nothing is set in stone.
Joe Kalicki: You are correct, but the moment he helped us out he screwed himself over and he knew it. Let's get out of here. Come on.
Joe Kalicki opened the police car door, and jumped in. VVD looked at the waving skeleton hands.
Victor Von Doom: That's two…I'll get them both back, somehow…
He jumped in the car, and they drove off.
Underneath
Slimjim stood over the now dead cop, Panda. Focusing his will, and imparting the corpse with his own independent brain, Panda opened up his eyes.
Slimjim: Welcome to best part of your unlife, welcome my new general, Zombipanda.
Zombipanda's eyes flared with fire.
~ THE INTERWEB VIKINGS PROUDLY PRESENT IN STEREO SURROUND SOUND AND WIDESCREEN *****ES! ~
THE MEMOIRS OF A TORSO!
Not by Ultimate Houde, but by the bestest member evah conceived! TOG!
Japan
Thee Great One was distracted by the lights of Japan. The bright lights, the flashing billboards, and the hot Asian women all took precedence in his undead mind. TGO's legs were the only thing helping him concentrate.
Thee Great One: Why do you keep kicking me legs?
The legs did a little jig, before tap dancing some.
Thee Great One: What do you mean, what's so special about the billboard legs?
The legs did a tiny tango.
Thee Great One: Really? CURLY! Face me towards the billboard!
Curly Okay boss.
Curly moved his hand so that Thee Great One's head could look at the billboard. On it was a picture of his torso with a happy face shirt. The words on the billboard read, "TODAY! AT 4:30! TORSO WILL SIGN HIS NEW BOOK HERE! COME LOOK!"
Thee Great One: Curly! LEGS! Let's get in line!
The line was impossibly long, extended through several blocks and whatnot. Thee Great One decided to take a better method.
Curly: You want me to do what?
Thee Great One: Say you need to use the toilet. It's impeccable!
Curly: how will that get us in?
Thee Great One: Easy. You need to use the toilet.
Curly: Oh, interesting.
The legs danced a hip hop solo.
Thee Great One: It's infallible legs! No more back talk from you!
Curly walked up to the front of the line.
Curly Excuse me kind sir, can I use the bathroom?
The guy looked like a fatter version of Mario. He was holding an egg mcmuffin in one.hand..
Seymour: You VIP?
Thee Great One: WE are not VIP! WE are a talking head, his dancing pair of legs, and giant gold man. LET US IN TOO USE THE BATHROOM NOW FLESHBAG!
Seymour: You ain't VIP, you get in the other line.
Curly: Um…I really need to go
Seymour: Listen, I was a roadie for the boss in 77. A Saturday AND a Tuesday. You ain't nothing more than three punks. You got it?
Thee Great One: Time for a new plan. LEGS, STEAL HIS EGG MCMUFFIN!
The legs sneak up to Seymour, and grab the egg mcmuffin. They run off with it.
Seymour: Where's my egg mcmuffin! COME BACK HERE WITH THAT!
Seymour runs after the legs, while Curly and TGO's head sneak into the building. They find the torso, whose by himself, typing on the computer without arms.
Thee Great One: Torso! I'm back! Quick, let's get out of here.
The torso turns around. It shimmies up and down, emitting a number of gastrological noises.
Thee Great One: No, really? You signed a contract? You can't leave until you write four new books?
The legs enter the room. They do a rumba.
The torso responds with more noises.
The legs do a waltz
Curly: Um…this is odd.
Thee Great One: Okay, we all will write a book tonight, and then we can get out of here.
Each body part and Curly went to write a book.
The Next Morning
The Torso sent an email to his publisher. It contained the four books written by each one of them.
The Legs wrote a book on how to pick up women using nothing but erratic foot movements.
The Head wrote a book that was just THEE GREAT ONE IS THEE GREATEST! In every language of the world.
The Torso wrote a book called "The Social Ramifications of the Civil War Seen Through the Eyes of a Midsection".
And finally Curly drew a kids book entitled, "PINOCHIO! WITH LAZERS!"
Thee Great One: Alright Torso, a plan is a plan. Quick, you join with legs, and I'll join with you!
The legs eagerly leap on to the floor. The Torso leap onto the legs, and then the head was delicately placed on the torso.
Thee Great One: Now it's time to find my arms!
Curly: Why is some of your letters blue?
Thee Great One: No idea, I say we roll with it. ONWARDS!
Gideon Stargrave
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Nov 10, 2006
- Messages
- 3,395
I'm so focused on myself that I always read the parts with me in it three or four times over.
Random
Didn't **** any of those *****es
The TGO parts had me on the floor.
McCheese
Well-Known Member
Teh evils.
Clever girl.
Booyah! 'bout time I hit someone with that.
Oh noes! PAAAAAAANNNDDDDAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Torso's book would be interesting.
Docking sequence initiate!!
Interesting.
thee great one
Master of TOG-fu.
It was awesome.
SEYMOUR!
SEYMOUR!
Ultimate Houde
UC's Resident Genetic Recombinator
Wade Wilson and TwilightEL are in jail,and only one team of people will get them out.
Too bad the team consists of Joe Kalicki (NOT A ZOMBIE!), McCheese and Victor Von Doom. They have twenty fours hours to escape from prison, and only four hours to do it in!
The backup story has TGO meeting the greatest mounty in Canada, his left arm and hand. They face the greatest thief in Canada and his band of Nin-Jews!
Iceshadow
Well-Known Member
Just read this. Panda was awesome, good fight scenes as usual and the TGO story was hilarious.
Interestingly, today I learned that too much lithium is toxic to your system.
Interestingly, today I learned that too much lithium is toxic to your system.
Ultimate Houde
UC's Resident Genetic Recombinator
Issue is almost done, I just need to write the Backup
Tomorrow
Tomorrow
thee great one
Master of TOG-fu.
I'm going to Canada!?
I hate Canada.
I hate Canada.
